is it time to move on, to let go?
 

My life with AH while he drank for 12 years was insane... I asked, begged, cried, wished and prayed that he would come to his senses and quit, or get in under control.... but he always just broke his promises, hid it, lied, or made me feel like it was my fault, or my imagination... so, after years of therapy and al-anon meetings, I realized last summer that I couldn't change him, I could only change myself by not worrying about him all of the time, by releasing him. So that is why I asked him to move out in August. He will admit now that he is an alcoholic and that he never would have stopped unless I stood up and told him I couldn't take it any longer, like I did. So, he's been out of the house for almost 10 months now and he says he is sober, but that is very hard for me to believe because he also says that he only went to AA for the month of Sept. and that he finished all 12 steps and he's done... but I know it is a life-long struggle and commitment, so that makes me skeptical.
But really what happened during all of those years of drinking is that he broke my heart, he stopped being himself, he stopped loving me, looking at me, touching me, he just stopped caring, or being here. And forget about the kids, he never had anything to do with them. Now, with his "sobriety" I have been hoping and waiting for him to come back to me with love and remorse, and fight for me, fight for our marriage.. and he hasn't. He still has no emotions, he is not sad, or mad or eager to get back together, he just says, "ok, I'm sober now, get over it".... and I can't. I would open the door for him in a second, if just once, in all of these months, he came over, or called, with love in his heart, I keep thinking that any man who realizes what a mess he was, and what a mess he's made of his marriage, and how much he has hurt his wife would do ANYTHING and go to any extreme to win her back... but he hasn't done anything, really, he's done nothing but shrug his shoulders and tell me he doesn't know what to say... ugh. I always used to feed him his lines, but now I just sit there too and cry and hope that he will do the right thing, but he doesn't. So, I think I am just so tired of waiting and hoping and crying and we have to get divorced so we can both move on... it is just soooo sad, because I love him and miss him. And that's why I haven't written in so long, because it is just too sad.
I am working a lot because I am paying for pre-school, and all of our groceries, clothes, health insurance, dental visits, gas, little league, ballet, birthday presents, easter, christmas, valentines, utilities, phones, cable... everything... And twice now I've been humiliated at the grocery store because my card was declined, and when I called him, he'd say, "I only have $20 in my pocket" and he never gives me any money! I'm at my wits end, and by getting divorced he will have to start contributing more with child support and alimony and health insurance.. but I hate that because I don't want it to be about money, I don't care about money, it's about the loss of trust and love...
Depressing isn't it? Sorry.
But day to day we are all really fine. Really. The kids are happier because we have a routine and and warm loving home. They don't have to live with the upredictability and uncertainty of a drunk dad. Not getting any positive attention from him, with him walking past the dinner table and never eating with us, he would make his own meals around 10 pm when we were all in bed and then pass out on the couch was painful for all of us. Neglect is a form of abuse. He does come to visit them on Thurs evenings and Sunday's when we get home from church... he just stays here and plays with them and puts them to bed, which is more than he ever did while living here!!!!! They don't ask for him when he is not here; ever. There is nothing to miss. But they deserve a good dad in their lives, so I would never stop them from seeing him, I will just always be aware of whether he is drinking or not.
I am losing weight because I am sick to my stomach a lot and I have a hard time going out with my friends because it's hard to have fun right now, but I still love working and am usually running around so much between the kids activities and schools that I am very busy and am good at being happy on a surface level... because even though things are bad, they are actually getting better. It's just my hopes and dreams of what our marriage would be have been destroyed and that is a hard thing to let go of.
He is a good guy, and I love him with all of my heart, I just don't have enough love for both of us anymore, I'm exhausted.
So, that's the story...

What do you think? Am I crazy? Is it time to serve him the papers and move on?
to let go....

Hi sugarpup

I'm sorry, but a "good guy" helps support his children. At this point, it IS about money and there is nothing wrong with getting for your children what they deserve.

Everything else - the 12 steps in one month, etc. doesn't matter.

It sounds like you have created a great life for your kids away from the insanity. I know it's a struggle and I'm sorry you have to go through it. Maybe moving on completely will help with that, I don't know. Have you made a list of what the pluses would be in having him back?

((()))

Yes! Time to move on with your life. Find somebody new, somebody who will treat like you deserve to be treated.

Use the courts to enforce child support.

take care of yourself and your children, sugarpup. blessings, k

No one can tell you when you have had enough and need to move on .... except you sweetie.

I understand having hope and holding on to that, but sometimes you just have to believe the actions of the person and accept .... Acceptance is the hardest part for me, but once I get there and let go things get better ....

You have to trust that God has the plan, even if he is not sharing it with us. All of us deserve the best, and if you dont feel the love from him by now .. you probably want to take a closer look at what your holding on for.

Whatever you decide I strongly suggest that you put the feelings aside and operate from the head on the divorce and support. That is when it gets really ugly... and when I went through it, I could not believe and would not have believed how awful they can be... Keep you and the kids in the forfront of your mind cuz no one else is going too.

Doesn't sound like he's really working a program seriously - 12 steps in one month? And then done with AA? Doesn't sound like he has come to terms with this being a life-long struggle. But that's HIS problem.

Sounds like you are moving on with your life - step by step. Good for you. I know how hard it can be to start over - I'm working on that myself right now. Do what's right for you and your kids. You'll get there!

As my therapist once told me, "It's about behavior, behavior, behavior." Since your AH doesn't have much to say (we must have married twin brothers), you have to go by his actions. He's a bit apathetic, to say the least. And I completely agree with Denny on this one. You married this man and had children with him. He should be pulling his weight, whether he wants to or not. That includes giving you financial assistance with your children.

By taking on all the financial responsibility, it seems you are still enabling by letting him off the hook. As painful as it is for you, I think you would be much better off by ending this relationship. Waiting for him to make amends, see the light, and become the loving husband you need sounds like an exercise in futility. It doesn't appear he is going to morph into your expectations. Hanging on to our lost dreams is a type of denial. Letting go is always painful. But you can't make him something he either cannot, or will not, be.

Sugarpup,
(The kids are happier because we have a routine and and warm loving home. They don't have to live with the upredictability and uncertainty of a drunk dad. ) This line hit me like a ton of bricks, my kids are much more at ease when my drunk husband is not at home, as a matter of fact my 11 yr. old daughter will sleep with me if she knows he is out drunk, because we don't spend enough time together. Cherish what you have and don't let him back into your house. I know what it is like when he comes home drunk, and he is belligerent, rude, loud, disrespectful. I just wish I had the guts to get rid of my AH the way you have. You should be proud of what you have done thus so far, this is just my opinion. I hope I haven't stepped on any toes.

sounds like things are at least better in your home now that he doesn't live there anymore...that is a good thing.He is not helping you financially? Why? What makes you think he will after a divorce?Unless you have his paycheck attached by the court I wouldn't count on any support.That the kids don't ask for him is a sure sign they are happier without him there.Why can't he take the kids out for the day during visitation--to give you a break--he stays in your house all day and puts them to bed? You are too nice and giving him free reign over your life.Sounds like it is all set up to his advantage.....you definalty need to make a choice.

(((Hugs to you)))

Hi sugarpup, I hear and feel your pain. I would just like to share one thing

with you regarding what you said about his numbness and attitude.

Here: quote SP: "He still has no emotions, he is not sad, or mad or eager to get back together, he just says, "ok, I'm sober now, get over it".... and I can't. I would open the door for him in a second, if just once, in all of these months, he came over, or called, with love in his heart, I keep thinking that any man who realizes what a mess he was, and what a mess he's made of his marriage, and how much he has hurt his wife would do ANYTHING and go to any extreme to win her back... but he hasn't done anything, really, he's done nothing but shrug his shoulders and tell me he doesn't know what to say... ugh.end quote

I am a recovering alcoholic, and reading this reminded me of myself about 4 years ago when I would look at my S/O and say similarly the same things, like:

I'm not drinking, can we move on: shrug my head and say get over it I did, one problem. when I was saying things like this, and was cold, I was still drinking and

didn't own up to my problems yet...Reading what you wrote reminds me of those times, and now this time, I really went into recovery and my S/O can tell the difference, I'm having trouble putting this into words, but what I'm really trying to say, is it doesn't sound like he is in recovery, (weather sober or not) or trying to tackle his inner self that led him to this point in his life.

You sound like a very warm and caring person, and I hope you can find it in yourself to give all that care and understanding you've been giving him all these years to you now. Sounds like you would appreciate it more...

I wish you well, take care, hope3

Thank you all for responding, and for your advice...
Hearing from you helps to make it real, actually, writing the post and re-reading over and over again, helps to make it real. I don't know why I still "can't believe this is happening to me", denial I guess.

But you are right, I know it, and somehow, deep inside, (or maybe not that deep) I think he knows it too, it's time for this to end.

Thank you so much for you insight hope3, you have confirmed my underlying suspicions, that he is still drinking... but, can I ask you, are the lack of emotions a sign that he is still drinking, or that he is hiding something, or that he really doesn't care, or that the years of alcohol abuse has numbed his emotions to the point of no return? But, like you, and many others have said, I need to concentrate on me, not him, and lack of emotion, is just that, lack of emotion. That should be enough for anyone to want out... and I do.

I signed the petition for divorce today and he should be served tomorrow...
I feel sick

Praying for you SP!

(((sugarpup)))

I think you already know the answer to your question, you just need some reassurance that you are doing the right thing. Unfortunately, I cannot tell you what to do. What I can tell you, is that there are people who will love and support you. I can also tell you that things will get better. It may not be today or tomorrow, next week or even next month, but they do get better. Don't forget, take some time for yourself. I know you have a lot on your plate; bills, family etc. But even ten minutes a day for yourself just makes your stress just a tiny bit more manageable and if you don't take care of yourself, no one else will. Good Luck!

sugarpup , you will know in your heart when you are ready to completely cut ties with him . what hope3 said made so much sense !! thats why i love hearing from those in recovery ! there is a good chance hes not in recovery at all , even if he hasnt been drinking , with no program or support hes not working through all the steps and probably doesnt know how he should feel .

lots of prayers for you (((sugarpup)))

hope3, your response completely hit home for me ! thank you so much for sharing , i just started a thread and what you said is so appropriate for me as well . congrats on your recovery and may you continue to take it one day at a time !
M

Hi again, I can't answer this in respect to him Quote SP:
"you have confirmed my underlying suspicions, that he is still drinking... but, can I ask you, are the lack of emotions a sign that he is still drinking, or that he is hiding something, or that he really doesn't care, or that the years of alcohol abuse has numbed his emotions to the point of no return?End quote"

But, I can say how I felt. You know how your mouth feels when you are injected with

novacain, well when I was drinking, even the sober hours of the day (and I only can tell by comparing to now) I didn't have havf of the emotions that I do now, It's really hard to explain...

So, is he drinking, I don't know, I can only say from what you described, you could have been talking about me.

I don't know what stage he is in, I was around middle stage (from what I read anyway) and have always been pretty sensative and emotional, for me numbness seemed to release with in 30 days and I had more guilt, crying, sorry's in me that it was making me sick... Hey but we are all different.. And men are another breed when it comes to sharing emotions, so it's so hard to tell.

In my heart, I would have to say it sounds like he is ashamed of being in this situation, however, it doesn't sound like he is owning up to the situation...I really don't think he will be able to move on without doing so....I thought I could, and I was just lying to myself, but I really believed it...I finaly woke up though.

Sorry I can't even quess if any of what he is doing is because he does or doesn't care anymore...

If you wanted to get back together, it sounds like there would be counseling envolved for both, but you can't do it for him, he really needs to step up to the plate. If he can't see what damage has been caused and that you should just get over it, that in my opinion is unexeptable..

I hope this is of some help, take care sugarpup, hope3

It's ok for you

Who knows why they do what they do...there's no formula and it's seems insane and changing from one minute to the next. Our world will be insane too if we try to figure it out.

(((Sugar))) Hope you are feeling better today...

My situtation is very similar to yours. I let mine come back. In two weeks I could "smell the smell." He stayed 4 months and it was worse than ever. Today I am alone and loving it. Hang in there. Do what is best for you and your family. Peace is priceless.