venusinlibra

My boyfriend has been in recovery now for two months, he has been living somewhere else for the last two weeks and we are talking about him coming home. Everything came to a head when he left, lots of rage, emotion, etc. and we took a time out.

I am working my program, I have a sponsor from Alanon, who I speak with everyday, and he is going to meetings.

The road has been rocky and rough. I want to give it one last shot, we are both scared. Any words of advice or wisdom from others? The break up get back together merry go round.

Thanks.

best

You get back on the ride, you can get thrown off again or you could both ride for a long time. No chrystal ball here. What I do know... it took me much longer then two months to get my act together so that I was able to prove that what comes out of my mouth for promises would match up with my actions.

Time and actions...not words from my lips told others what was ok to do or not do as far as accepting me back.

Sunflower

I agree there is no way to know--but you have a sponsor and you are both working towards the same goal. Will you be able to take it if it doesn't work out? Best wishes

dollydo

What's the rush? Why move back in together so quickly? He is just starting his recovery, why not go slow and see if he actions back up his words.

WhatAboutME

What does your sponsor say?

Tazman53

Local alkie here! If he is scared of getting back together right now, if I was his sponsor I would say to hold off, wait until you both feel the time is right.

Has he spoken to his sponsor about it?

If you are both scared that is a good thing for both of you, it should also be a good sign that the time is not right.

Trust in your HP, your HP will lift the fear when the time is right.

Grasshopper

First things first--working on recovery--
Suggestion only,if i may---wait till after you both have done your,4-9 steps.Before making any decisions.
pray about this,asking Gods will in this matter.
my prayers for both of you,all the best,on your new journey!!!

Mr. Christian

Hi,
Sounds like you are rushing things a bit.

I know this may sound bad, but he has a least a YEAR to go without drinking before you should consider this.

Since you are not married this should take some pressure off altogether.

This is not something you should rush.

Rella927

Ven: I could tell you IMO it is not a great idea-I was together with my XAB for 2 1/2 years- he went into AA and to counseling and even anger mangement. I started Al-Anon then stopped-(still in counseling and have been for many years for my codie issues but without Al-Anon it really did not help me as much) After my XAB was 6 months into the program and him being kicked out of my house and I found him a cottage to live in....we started to try to be friends-BIG MISTAKE! I was not taking care of me and he was not sober long enough! He ended up relaspsing more than once and jumped off the merry-go-round only to have it be worse now-I'am going through alot of problems which I helped create by allowing my recovery to be placed on hold! Not saying that you will do this or your A but because everyone's situation is different-but the odds of you jumping back on that merry-go-round are pretty good and being sober at least a year could be a better chance for you. I jumped off again and this time it is for good to help start taking care of ME!

Good luck (((hugs)))

venusinlibra

We still live together, all his stuff is here, we took a time out he is at a sober house. It is only a temp place for him to live. I really don't know what his sponsor says, at the same time I think sponsors are great, but they are not guru's, and have their own stuff as well. I do want him to come home, I do realize it may not work, but again if we live seperately it may not work. I am continuing to pray and look for guidance. Thank you for your support.

lillian

you both will make a decision one way or the other- i wished my husband had spent more time -or any time- in a sober living place, and that i had worked my program more and we had done more recovery together- instead, he wanted to come home after rehab- we held hands, loved eachother, we scared and hopeful- a couple of months later, the normal day to day living problems plus trouble of sober living for the first time set in- he relapsed for a day, got back into program, and ran off with a much younger woman in program. maybe that all would have happened if he'd been in sober living- either way, it won't be easy- i'd make sure you have a plan for your own recovery and a plan for recovery for both of you/your relationship-- otherwise, i think the relationship gets neglected as not as important as sobriety-- maybe it isn;t, but i think it's important and needs support, if it's something you both want to save-- maybe just a plan to go to a doublewinner meeting, or open aa meeting together once a week- a plan to maketime for eachother, too during this process. wish i'd done it.

mallowcup

He was in a sober living facility for over 2 months and he must have assumed he'd return to live with you as he hadn't made other plans. I would give this serious thought because the motivation to live together is based on circumstances not recovery.

denny57

It's funny - I think there's a better chance for the relationship to survive if you live apart for awhile. That's just me.

Sunflower

Pray--Do whatever is right for you....(((HUGS)))

dollydo

It is your decsion, but two weeks in a recovery house, does not make for recovery.

Strap yourself in, the ride will continue.

I wish you all the best.

Dolly

venusinlibra

Yes, everything you are saying is valid. I am nervous, I don't like my life in limbo, and I guess I am either in all the way, or not at all. Life has no guarantees and I really wish I was not even going through this...it really sucks. I wish we all had a crystal ball and see what the future holds. For now, it is day by day.

prodigal

I'm glad you asked for advice; however, ultimately you will make your own decision. I'm afraid, as many others have said here, that this is rushing things. I have lived through this THREE times. And, no, the third time 'round was definitely NOT the charm.

Each time AH came right home and the second time I was actively working my Al-Anon program. The third time he got out of a month-long rehab, I saw the same pattern. It was etched in stone. He'd stay sober less than a month after getting out of each facility and get completely trashed. That was it.

So .... that was it for me. Oh, yeah, that was it for us as well. I have a life to live and it doesn't include what appears to be incurable alcoholism. At least as far as my AH is concerned.

MySecret

I dont think its a good idea - I have been living apart from my AH for a year and have no intention of going back until or if he changes the way he behaves and views life, his life.x

guyinNC

Mr. C is correct. Its too early to even think about getting back together again. The operative word here is BF. You are not married. You have a choice that can be made with no legal headaches. Remember, there are lots of fish in the sea!

Honestly, knowing what I know now........I would never date an alcoholic. I guess I'm selfish, but I never want to go through that nightmare again.

Tazman53

You know I have to comment again on this thread, I came straight home after detox, I threw myself heart and soul into recovery, it has been over 7 months and things are going great for my family and myself.

Am I the exception to the rule?

Is it possible because I knew that I was not playing baseball and got three strikes before I was OUT? I had exactly one chance, that was it.

My wife flat out told me one screw up and it is over, I knew she meant business! She also told me that it may all end even if I stay sober, so I knew right where I stood from the get go.

One difference I see with venus is the fact that they are both scared, my wife was not scared, she wanted me to succeed but she knew exactly what she was going to do if I failed, I knew that there was no second chance, her first husband didn't get one! The only fear I had was of screwing up, but I knew that if I worked my program that I stood a chance.

Am I the exception to the rule or is it because I knew there were absolutely no second chances?