atalose

I also think it's too early to get back together. 60 days is not a long time for either of you in your recoveries. I guess I would also ask what was the plan all along for him when he completed living in the sober house? And when you say you took a break from each other did you mean you have had no contact at all with him or just the fact you were not both living under the same roof?

denny57

I think it's possible to be "in all the way" to the relationship; that doesn't mean residing under the same roof while working recovery for the first year. Do you mind if I ask your ages?

Zoey

Tazman is an exception in my opinion. Wonderful exception and a very wonderful wife .

venus has he talked of 90 meetings and working the steps?

If you are young then what we say makes no sense, the young seem to have to make their own mistakes.
You have a toe hold as you found SR, keep coming back, we are here for you, and want the best for him.
Relationships are difficult with out alcohol. Him coming home too soon is wrong for him in my opinion.
Caring, understanding hugs to you both.

newenglandgirl

Guy is so on the money when he tells you: "The operative word here is BF".

You have to really, really think long and hard about this sweetie....do you really want to continue on with someone you know has a serious addiction?

I don't know how old you are, but, whatever your age, you're burning up precious time that you can't get back. Because of my mistake (staying with and marrying my AH) I may never get to have kids. I used up those prime childbearing years on waiting for him to get his sh*t together.

I know that hindsight is 20/20...but I just wish so bad that I had known what you know before I married my AH.

LGLG07

hi venus .. i agree too .. since you are both scared and questioning whether he should come home , maybe he shouldnt . Whats the harm in waiting another month , at the end of that time if you feel the same , wait another month & so on ....
if you are both in a better place in 30 days and know without question you want to live together again , then do it than .
i think the longer you wait , the better chance you are giving yourselves of making it work .

LOTS of luck to you whatever you decide , it is not an easy ride .

Sunflower

Nope Taz---you made it--my son is making it--maybe because you both have family that really loves you? There are always second chances!

venusinlibra

We are both in our 30's, so I am definitely not a little kid. I guess I don't like to do life half way, we do live together, and I don't think you need a certificate to say your committed. I work in the business industry, go to trade shows, and I see "married" people cheating left and right. Good advice either way. I am at a point I could walk away if I have to. I just don't have the patience to wait and see. I agree life is too short and plenty of fish in the sea. I also feel if you really love someone you stand by him. If he had cancer would I let him come home? Absolutely. I wouldn't say until you are cured...you can come back. I will keep you posted and thank you for the solid advice.

newenglandgirl

Most of us really loved our A's. And most of us gave them a gazillion chances to get their sh*t together. Taz and your son are different because they actually sought recovery in an honest way. But I don't think it's because their families loved them any more than we loved our A's.

I wasn't willing to sacrifice my life on the alter of his disease. Does this mean that I really didn't love him?

CE Girl

Hi Venus,

I am in sort of the same situation as you, and stuggling with my need to "balance" my needs with all the things you speak of in regards to your "committment" to the relationship.

I agree, doesn't matter what "status" you are, if you are committed, much the same principals apply. And yes, one of my biggest "arguments" with myself revolve around the "disease" issue.

The way I answer the question, "would I not let him come home if he had cancer?" would be, if he was working his "treatment" of COURSE I would support and live with him. For me, right now, my A has done very little to show me he is working his "treatment" (program). Inconsistent at best. Therefore the "balance" is swayed in doing what I need to do for MYSELF. No guilt and no regret.

My decision? He's not coming back until he has CONSISTENT sobriety under his belt. That for me, is much longer than 60 days.

I agree with New England Girl. I am not willing to sacrafice my life if he is not willing to get better.

newenglandgirl

Anyone out there wanna comment on why equating alcoholism to cancer is not healthy or wise for us friends and family? Apples n oranges?

Pick-a-name

Well (besides the effects to the mind of the alcoholic) I will say the difference I saw between when my AH was told he needed to stop drinking and go to AA (by his doctor) and when he was told he needed to have surgery for prostate cancer. He ignored the advice about the alcoholism and unpleasant as it was,DID (immedialtely) have the prostate surgery. (fortunately was very early and did not need follow-up treatment). There seems no evidence that he intends to stop drinking in at least the foreseeable (sp?) future.

I guess it goes back to him accepting the diagnosis and committing to do something about it. He would for one, but (so far) not the other. I guess the consequences don't seem as negative as the benefits for the drinking but did with the word of cancer.

My mother died of cancer. She tried everything in her power to beat it,there just was nothing left and she died. That is what I find most frustrating about xAH's alcoholism....there IS an answer but he can not see that;he can not really even see that he needs it!

Tazman53

I totally agree, my wifes love for me and my kids love for me did not have a thing to do with me getting and staying sober. I spent 10 years torturing myself trying to quit drinking for my wife and kids and failed every time! I did not really want to quit drinking, I just wanted to make a half arse effort to where they would quit griping.

When I quit it had nothing to do with how much some one loved me, I quit because I knew it was going to be me and my bottle against the world which meant I was going to die if I did not quit. One thing I will share is that the last conversation I had with my wife before I went into detox she told me that me quitting drinking did not mean that it would save our marriage.

In regards to comparing cancer to alcoholism..... well they are both diseases, neither of which one has a choice in having, but with major differences.

Some cancer can be cured with medicine and no long term actions on the patients part. Cancer is a disease in which the cure in many cases is permanent with no maintenance on the sufferers part. Cancer can be cured whether the sufferer wants it cured or not.

Alcoholism can not be cured, only arrested. Alcoholism can only be arrested if the alcoholic wants to arrest thier disease. The long and the short of it is, they are both diseases, but with alcoholism there is a choice on the alcoholics recovery that can only be made by the alcoholic them selfs and no one else. The choice to recover from alcohlism is a life long commitment.

denny57

No, it doesn't, as you know. Also, what if the alcoholic who was "loved" to sobriety relapses, does that mean the love has now failed?

I don't accept the blame for someone else's addiction and I will not take the credit for their sobriety. All of it is theirs to own, just as my life is mine.

guyinNC

Some have noted that a family member with cancer would not be turned away. If you accept the premise that alcoholism is a disease, there is a another consideration. Alcoholism may be more similar to disease such as small pox or some other contagion that can infect others who come into contact with it. Just like small pox victims must be isolated, alcoholics while in the midst of their illness, must be isolated too. Otherwise, the people they come into contact with become ill. (ie. Victims of verbal or sexual abuse, drunk driving fatilities, mental health issues.)

Or if you want to compare it to cancer, the surgeon ....when everthing else fails, cuts away the illness, to save the host.

queenteree

Venus,
Many years ago, before I married my AH, we lived together for three years while he was drinking heavily. I threw him out, he got help and worked the program. We got back together (cause we truly love each other) and even got engaged after several months. But we didn't live together for over a year. He was sober for over 14 years, and I firmly believe had I let him move back it, his sobriety would not have lasted 14 months. He needed to get a good foundation on which to build his recovery, he needed to work on him and and that was the first priority for both of us. Just my opinion.
QT

CE Girl

I don't know about you Venus, but I'm reading the responses to your thread with great interest.

As I mentioned, i am in a similar situation. However, I have decided to not let my A live with me right now, much for the same reasons that have been pointed out in the responses to you. As the last poster said, if she had allowed him back immediatly, he would not have made 14 months sober. I beleive I'm doing this for me AND my A.

You have a child to consider. Ask yourself, "do I want him in the environement he is in now or risk the possibility of him being exposed yet again to dysfunction"?

A difficult decision to make none the less

I wish you peace

FormerDoormat

"I guess I don't like to do life half way."

For a person who claims that she doesn't like to "do life half way," I have to ask: why settle for only a part-time relationship? By that I mean why choose a partner who prefers to check out of life through drinking rather than actively participate in a relationship with you?

A relationship with an active alcoholic is a part-time relationship at best, and a nightmare at worst. Given your partner's history of drinking and your new-found knowledge of the high rate of relapse amongst alcoholics why are you settling for less than you want? And why are you in such a hurry to welcome him home? Why not align your actions with your goal of living life to the fullest by making sure your partner is serious about his recovery before you invite him back into your home? AA and Alanon recommend a one-year waiting period before making any changes in your relationshp for some very good reasons, one of which is to get enough recovery under your belt to be able to clear your head and make healthy, informed decisions.

Decisions made in haste are rarely good decisions.

venusinlibra

Actually he has been sober for 60 days. I guess this has created an interesting thread. I do believe that alcoholism/drug addiction is a "cancer" of the spirit or soul. I have three family members who have died of cancer and one was an alcoholic. He quit drinking when he was diagnosed. My aunt stood by his side to the bitter end. She struggled her whole life, dedicated herself to her man, and the last two years of their life was the happiest. I guess I am a hopeless optimistic.

Walking away is easy, staying can be much harder. I am working my program as well...which has HELPED ME so much. Old issues that pop up which once caused me anxiety, has now disappeared.

We have chosen to have him stay in a sober house a few more weeks. Go on "dates" and slowly ease back into living together. I love him and I am willing to give it one last shot.

denny57

No, it's not. It's the hardest thing I've ever done in my life.

lilac

Pray..

Just remember if you get back on the merry go round, you CAN get back off, you will know better now about when to. Take things slow, keep working on recovery. Time will tell, as actions.