lillian

i am having problems letting well enough alone. when my husband, who wanted a divorce and who is getting one (i finalized the divorce/just waiting to get the paperwork back in the mail) sends the occassiona one or two sentence email (hi- i love and missyou), i write back, hopeful, and get back nothing back because he's with this girlfriend and doesn't actually want to be with me. if i say i love and miss someone, i usually mean i want to see or talk to them- he says it and blows me off. i know this pattern- i need to tell him not to do it, because it throws me off- i am sure he means it in his own way, and he is just trying to be nice- but because it upsets me, i need to tell him to stop. but a part of me doesn't want him to, i want him to do and say more. i am trying to control his actions in order to get what i need to feel good instead of taking care of my actions to do what i need to avoid feeling bad. i have tried to word an email to explain to him that i need time without hearing from him, but it is never right/never is good enough, and then i write again to say sorry and try to get closer to what i really meant. i need to surrender to the idea that i may not be able to express how i feel, and he may not be able to understand it. it is my obsession. i am subletting my house this summer. i don't know what i am going to do or where i am going to do, but i will have some kind of an adventure- maybe then i will stop writing endless emails explaining why i can't write him emails... at meetings they say it is better than understand than to be understood. if i understood him.. could i understant him but i don't want to? maybe there's nothing more to understand than he doesn't like me, period. no big story, just what happens unfortunately... what i want is for him to be leaving only because he is crazy and doesn't see how much we love eachother. i am living in candyland. hope to see you on earth this year... anyone have experience trying to leave the perfect last message, the perfect last letter?

MsGolightly

i've written hundreds of letters and emails! literally, hundreds. some could probably take days to read! but you know what? very rarely did i get a reply. i could spend all day writing out how i felt perfectly. hours and hours. and then a few days (even hours) later, i would think what i wrote wasn't good enough, and i'd try again. occassionally, i would get a response that was only a few lines long, after i spent hours spilling my guts! gosh, it was so frustrating. i've learned to not write those letters anymore, because it makes me feel worse afterwards - that my ex didn't even have the heart or love for me to respond. (and of course, the response just wouldn't have been good enough, and i would have written back, wanting even more...)

lillian, i've totally been where you are. but don't you think he knows how you feel? don't you think you've told him enough, while you were together or apart? do you really think there's anything new you could say to him that you haven't already said?

by writing him back, by showing him that you still care and are still thinking about him, lets him win. it lets him see he can have his new girl and you too. as long as he sees that he still means something to you, he's not going to stop writing you those emails. he wants to keep you around, probably in case things don't work out with his new girlfriend. you truly do deserve better than that, but you won't find it as long as your heart is still tied to him. i say cut your losses and move on, no matter how difficult that seems right now. getting away for the summer sounds like an excellent idea!

Sunflower

as hard as it is to do---no contact is the only way you will come out the other side of this......stay strong!

dollydo

How about:

Goodbye

Lillian there is nothing else to write, it's over. You can't feed oats to a dead horse.

Have a grand summer.

WhatAboutME

When all else fails, read the lyrics to the song "Call Me When Your Sober" by Evanescence...(I've been reading them alot lately!)

"You only want it 'cause it's over - it's over."
(SING this to him when he calls/writes again!)

He had you. He had the best thing that ever happened to him. He probably realizes that you're trying to move on with your life. Maybe he's trying to have his cake and eat it too. Or maybe, if he can't (or won't) have you, he doesn't want anyone else to either and is trying to ensure that by playing these mind games with you.

Block his email. Don't take his calls. Let her have him. YOU DESERVE BETTER!

Janitw

Lillian.....BLOCK HIS EMAIL.....
It was the hardest thing for me to do to admit to myself that my husband didnt want me in his life....its a hard thing.....but its a necessary..

Don't let him live rent free in your head hun..he has a girlfriend and she will be living the kind of life that you had.. he wants both of you to make himself feel gooooood.

Please show him that wonderful womans strength that we know you have inside of your head hunny.....love him from afar if you have to but do not let him get to you. Remember too that they want what they cant have...

Tazman53

Well if I was still out there drinking the best thing I could have got back in an email would have been..................... no reply!

All he is doing is jerking your chain to see if you will jump! I am a recovered alcoholic, I have been there and done that, I want that control, as long as I can get a reaction from you of any sort I know I still have conrol over you, be it anger or love, I still have control!

When you ignore me, you control me! Let me scream, cry, and insult to try and regain control, if you ignore me you have won and I have lost.

duet_4-8

I have to agree with the above posts that say "don't contact him", especially Taz who knows the game from the A's side. I have seen it in real life with my (ex)AH in the last few months. He has tried everything under the sun to get ANY kind of reaction out of me. For the first few weeks after we seperated, it worked. I didn't offer him any sympathy or affection, but boy was I angry. I blasted him more than once. Then I got the (very ugly) picture that when I did that, I was playing his game again. (Besides it made me physically ill....).

He is still trying. I am not playing anymore. I call my attorney EVERY time something happens.

As for writing-I am a writer, too. My latest work was an eight page single spaced typed chronicle of exactly how I felt about pretty much everything. I worked on it for several days. Thing is-he will never read it because I did it for myself. *grin*

Write write and write some more if it helps you. Just don't hit the 'send' button!

(((HUGS)))

gns

Sorry to reactivate an old thread, but I am new here and have to ask:

Tazman, thanks for sharing your insight. My alcoholic ex seemed to want to get a reaction out of me, too. Why? Why is any reaction/anger good?

Sunflower

its not good