What is this all about?
 

It's weird....suddenly, I find myself talking about him a lot. I was eating with a friend tonight, and I started telling her about how I liked the way he ate (not like a boy, but he would experiment and try new things). I have been talking about favorite memories. I was playing with my dog and his new toy tonight, and I said, "Tear it up," in the same pitch he always did to get my dog to shake the toy back and forth in the funny way dogs do. I was laying in the tanning bed, and I had to wipe tears off my cheeks when my thoughts drifted to him.

What's going on in my head???!!

I thought I was A-Okay, truckin' right along, onward and upward! I was laughing at the situation, not bothered in the least. But the past couple of weeks, I'm sentimental, saddened with thoughts of him, and sometimes downright depressed. I can't do anything these days. Getting out of bed and off to work is too hard so I call in late, going through our financial situation to finally finish the divorce (it's all waiting on me, but I just don't have it in me to do right now) is a challenge, the dishes have been in the sink for weeks, and I washed my sheets but can't get them back on the bed, so I'm on a mattress with a blanket. I'm eating more and sleeping more. I'm just in a straight up funk.

Is this just another part of the process? Or am I not moving forward?

well i'm no expert, but i think it's another part of the process. you've lost something you believed so much in. you shared a good portion of your life with him, and every day you spent together means something. it can't be erased and it can't be changed, and it's hard and it makes you cry, but i think that's part of the grand scheme of things. you were married... it's a bit more serious than a relationship that only lasts several months. i think it's only natural to mourn something that was such a big part of you. we all get in these funks, you're not alone!

I mean, the very last thing in the world I want is to be with him again. You couldn't pay me enough to go back there.....

Sometimes when we look at everything we have to do all at once it looks so massive we get stuck...forget the dishes until tomorrow and put the sheets on your bed, tonight or vice versa.

I am embarrassed at how dirty I have let my place get...I started cleaning in my bedroom this past weekend. Tonight, it's (coincidentally) the kitchen getting Mr. Clean's touch.

I'm also dealing with wistful thoughts too today...I hope May is not the month of funk!

Hang in there!

I think for me it was (and once in a while still is) the final letting go. I think of it as the same thing when I cry over something beautiful or touching (sentimental). In other words, the tears don't mean what they used to.

((()))

i do this too, texasgirl. no amount of money in the world could make me want to go back into the relationship, and a huge part of what was....well, it is dead now.

but there is this small little swirling place in my brain and heart that still holds him.

it's like selective memory.....i remember fondly the good times, the gestures, the little moments. but in all reality, they were so few.

he was a part of me in a way no other man has ever been, i will always probably think about that. and i get real funky about it at times.

and i'm like you in that no way would i go back into it....so why the feelings?????

for me, it's because i loved him deeply. it's because i couldn't help him, it's because we lost ourselves, our love, our hopes, our dreams when he wouldn't or couldn't get the help he needed. it's because i miss him sometimes. it's because i'm pissed that this ever happened. it's because i think i will never feel so deeply for another man in my life again. it's because it just is. and i don't like it at times.

i expect these feelings, and have a plan to handle them. that way, they don't take me by so much surprise and i don't make hasty decisions based upon raw emotions.

take care
much love to you

oh my god, texas girl- i am having the same week-- or month, or two months... i have been eating more, sleeping more, crying, having trouble sleeping= and for awhile, i'd thought i was cool. i'd stopped checking out their myspaces, stopped caring that he didn't call or write. it snuck back up. i wish i were further along in the process so i could tell you what comes next. i can't imagine ever being loved again, and am doubting i was ever loved at all- keep thinking i ruined it all. but ever when i feel terrible, sometimes i look in the mirror and think, my face doesn't reflect how ugly i feel--my/our thinking doesn't reflect how things are or were-- things are out of wack right now... more will be revealed they say.

I went through that too TG. Though I knew in my heart that there was no way in the world I was going to take my XAh back, I just couldn't seem to let go.

It will come in time. I'm going to assume that you are going through the greiving process of the finalizing of the divorce. It's one thing to want it, another to need it, another to go through the process, but when reality is there and you see it - it does take it's toll. Not unlike when you had your reality check about the state of your relationship and marriage with him before you left.

It's all part of the process.

Remember, one step at a time.

I think this makes sense. I couldn't really understand what I was thinking because honestly, I don't even think I love him at all. I don't even want to be his friend. I guess it is the sentimentality coupled with the fact that he was part of my life for seven years, so there will be memories.

Also....I'm back at that "lonely" phase again. I have friends, but MAN, I want a guy in my life. When you're a couple, you have an automatic person built in to do things with. I have some nice friends, but the majority of their time is spent with their significant others. I asked myself today if it was better to have someone to do things with even if they don't want to do what you wanted (XAH), or is it better to be able to do what you want but not have anyone to do it with.

Blah. I liked the basic part of being married. Just not to him.

Yes, yes, yes...I can relate....I feel like I´m kind of living in limbo...I´ve been SO busy with work, that I honestly do not feel like I´ve had enough time to properly let myself feel all the feelings that go along with all the trauma that's taken place in the last five/six months of my life. I´m constantly running around and feeling stressed about work. On one hand that´s a good thing - keeps me distracted. On the other hand, I think it may be preventing me from fully processing all that I need to process (thoughts, emotions). I have a vacation coming in May, and I am "looking forward" to finally having some time to be able to be still enough for the feelings to (hopefully) come.

Me too, TexasGirl, I liked marriage...I am a creature of habit, and love domesticity. But I would definitley rather be alone than with an addict again.
The thing that helps me with the lonliness is keeping myself busy with structured activities where I'm around other people (classes, exercise, meetings, etc.). But I also really like being alone.

I think it's really natural that we are mourning our losses...and feeling lonely too. I don't know about you, but I feel like I have a lot on my plate emotionally after all that's gone on...and as much as I'd like to find a new mate, I don't know if I could handle it right now. Not sure if it would it be fair to him...

It sounds like you are describing the days that follow a funeral.Once all the ceremonies are over and the relatives leave, what does widow do, how does she feel? I think you just described it. The relationship was the sum of all it's parts, not just the alcoholism. There has been a death for sure. You are a woman in mourning and you will lament until you're done. If it's any comfort, I thinkit's awful but normal.

Yes you sound like you are mourning the past--the guy he 'used' to be. Be careful about jumping right into another relationship---take time for just you for a bit....

Texasgirl,

I've been going through the EXACT same emotions recently....only almost 2 years after the split!

The 'final letting go'! I do believe you are right Denny and I thank you for sharing your wisdom. It helps me to put things in perspective a little bit better.

Texas, I completely understand. I am right there with you. Thirty-one years of marriage!! Lots of good times up until the last seven years. Man, it was tough. I can't go back. Hang tight because we ARE going to make it!!

I think we get to a point where we are in love with 'being in love' . after most of the anger fades (however long that takes , different for us all) we are left with yet another emotion to work through , the realization that the hopes and dreams we had at the beginning of our journey are no longer reachable and have to be 'put to rest' .

Like Mallowcup said , its like a death to us , the death of something we thought was so real .

I do believe that this is part of the process and once you work through this you will project a sort of 'contentment' in yourself and that will open you up for a new relationship , it can be just around the corner when your grieving is over

I do believe it's a process. I know for me, I am no longer in mourning of the marriage/relationship. I've been through many mournings of deaths. Grieving my brother took a particularly long time. The feelings I am going through now are in a different vein. Not everything I feel today is related to AH, though some of my thinking is still affected by living with the disease for so long.

Journaling always helps me get the committee out of my head.

there would be no way... that he could ever come back, want him back, but it definetly had an impact on my life, changed my world. But in ways, improved it. I'm more relaxed, peaceful, not wondering when the next relationship will be. Not making any excuses, so I get in another relationship. It's been over 2 yrs, the longest I have ever gone, without even a date. I really think the people who have these mutual, good (it takes 2 givers) unions, have found & are in a rare/lucky relationship.

Now I look at all my longer stays in bed like this excerpt from "How to be idle" by Tom Hodgknson. "I count it as an absolute certainty that in paradise, everyone naps. It splits the day into two halves, making each half more manageable and enjoyable... Not only that, but the nap can offer a glimpse into a twilight nether world where gods play and dreams happen." Dreams...(that's where my relationships sometimes are, now) Happy Spring

I nap alot and I would rather know myself on a deeper level then settle for just any relationship...........

Once again, Denny, I understand exactly what you mean. That's where I am too. It's really not so much about him, but yes, him and our relationship do play a role in how I feel today.

yes like everything else you mourn in this life--eventually the sting comes out of it-you learn -you move on--I haven't mourned my EXAH in years--he left some scars behind for sure---but really has no affect on me now...except maybe in the choice department--I am much move careful with myheart.