cagefree

So, today was the day I was supposed to be going on vacation to Disney World with my XABF and it's tough. I must say if you plan a trip with an A - BUY TRIP INSURANCE! It was the best thing I did when I was with him, and it saved me $2300.

Each year in our relationship, I would always take one week off from work and go up to the lake and hang out with him and his family (which start drinking by noon).

The First year I went with him, he yelled at me because I wanted to go swimming when he needed to find a ride to the country store to buy o'douls because he lost his license with the last DUI.

The Second year was a bit better - no O'Douls. didn't stop him from being a jerk and blaming me. I wanted to go kayaking and he claimed I was being too clingy. I have epilepsy and cannot go out on a lake in a kayak by myself. That is a boundary I refuse to let go of. I needed to have someone go with me and he was the only other person at the lake who wan't intoxicated who knew what to do if the unthinkable should happen.

The Third and final year, he was so unbelievably rude to me that I left camp and drove back to my house when he took off fishing with the guys. I love fishing and it was always our thing...but I always came second. While I was at the house that night he decided to get drunk with the guys and lied to me about it until September when I kicked him out. I never knew he drank, so when I came back the next day, he was all apologies about being a jerk. Everyone at the lake knew he drank...no one said a word to me. It was probably one of the things I will not being able to forigve his family for. "So, what did you guys do last night?" We all hung out - they said...now I know where he learned that lying by omission was okay. So we went fishing, I got my hook caught on a rock and the rod broke (how often does that happen - never!). Yelled at me again...do you think he let me use one of the 2 rods he was fishing with? Nope, I ruined the day according to him and we had to go back to shore so he could pick up a different passenger and I could get in my car and buy another fishing rod.

I had always wanted a Disney vacation. Don't get me wrong I loved the lake (just not with him), but I've always wanted to go to Disney world for a week and just play - just the 2 of us...my vacation. The lake was always "his" vacation, and never just the 2 of us, and always surrounded by drinking. When I booked the Disney vacation I paid for ALL OF IT - even planned a fishing trip in there. When we went to the lake, I always paid for half...

I never got what I wanted, what I deserved.

It's so obvious to me every stinkin day was a fool I was and just how uneducated I was about this disease. I was obsessing about this stupid vacation that never was and supposed to be in the air to Orlando right now. I even accidentally called his number yesterday (thank god I got his vm). I was meaning to call my mom who lives in another state - another area code...and I dialed the number without even realizing it...it will be tough to get my mind off of this today...

Thanks for letting me share.

Rella927

((((Hugs)))) Cagefree

You deserve the trip to Disney! Go for it! Try not to beat yourself up for doing what you did at the time you felt it was right. At least now you are doing something about it for YOU just be grateful for that. You are not a fool-just a bit blind as we all are at times!!

I went 2 years ago-when all my crap started happening with me and my XAB-I shut my phone off-my brother works for Home Depot corporate-and they had an anniversary party in Disney-he flew my nephew who lives here in the same state as I do to Florida (to my parents house they are there) he flew with his son-(my other nephew) and put us up in the hotel for a week! It was awesome! My girlfriend and I plan to go back together! Find a friend and get up in the air and go enjoy yourself!

((((Big Hugs))) Mickey is waiting for you!

ICU

Cagefree,

Unrealized dreams hurt, but only as long as we let them. I say find a friend and book that trip!

I'm sure you'll have a much better time with a friend vs. your ex! Disneyworld is a wonderful, magical place and you deserve to come home with 'happy' memories, not unhappy ones.

denny57

You will get your trip to Disneyland, cage, and it will be with someone who wants to be there with you. Trust me.

((()))

cagefree

Thanks for all your replies - they mean a lot!

I knew today would be tough, so I went to the gym last night to get some oxygen running through my veins. I usually walk on a treadmill for about 45 minutes. I RAN for an hour.

Him leaving my life has truly been the best thing for me - regardless of why he did it.

I guess it's time to create my own day (or vacation) instead of giving that power to someone else.

Seeking Wisdom

You can always add dinner in your favorite restaurant ... or a movie to your day. I always found those to be good short term get aways.

Hope the rest of your day goes well ... and start making new plans for your own vacation.

Sunflower

Its ALL in the past-done deal--I can see why this date would trigger you to remember(((HUGS))).
I Love Disney World--HUGE fan went every year for over 13years--always stayed on property.
I have to say to anyone--this really is the one place you can go to-with a friend/husband/wife/even alone or with kids where you can get a TOTAL escape from reality.
Alcohol ruined my going there--every March I cry myself cause I want to go again like I did every March.
I always took my Mom My Son and the his fiance for 6 years.
I can't go now because I would cry and miss his fiance too much-she was like my daughter.I loved her so much and she was always with us--it would just be too hard--I will just let the happy memories stay that way...
YOU on the other hand should go!!!!!!!

cagefree

(((Sunflower))) you deserve a million happy disney march days. I'd like to imagine our futures with us both getting the vacations we want and deserve.

If I were in disney right now with my X, he'd probably be finding a way to put me down in front of Mickey and make some excuse like how flying makes him grumpy...i would probably be looking around at all the happy families and feeling lonely - the way I felt for much of the relationship.

Thank my HP I'm free - and still working on freeing parts of my mind that get stuck on stuff like what this day was supposed to be.

Thank you all for sharing your thoughts - this place is truely wondermous!

HolyQow

Why didn't you ask a friend to go with you and take your vacation anyways?

I really understand him ruining vacations...that has happened so many times with my AH. This last easter was our first day that he didn't drink (because he thought his dad was buying, and secondly, because he knows better than to ask me to make a detour on the way to his parents for any alcohol.) I am being proactive for upcoming mother's day. Usually, I say nothing, and always hope that AH and kids will plan something nice.....never happens. He will remember to get something for his mom, but refuse to get me anything, because I am not his mom.....but won't even consider that he is responsible for the kid's on that day. So, I have chosen the restaurant I want to go to, I picked a time, and I wrote it on the calendar. I told the kids they are taking me there for Mother's Day. I refuse to let this holiday be ruined by alcohol. If AH drinks, he is not welcome to go with us. If he orders beer with the meal, I will ask him to go sit in the bar by himself. I am planning to have all of the nice vacations that I should have had...as his toleration of alcohol levels increase, my tolerance for his behavior decreases.

newenglandgirl

Hey Cage,

boy, your post really brings back memories. My AH's drinking ruined so many vacations. It's so amazing to me now what I put up with then. Just like you, I feel like a fool sometimes...It's just hard for me to understand how "blind" I was. I mean I knew that I didn't like it at all when he would drink too much and act like a-hole...but it never crossed my mind (!!!), until the last months in our relationship, that he had a really serious and deep problem. I understand that I had never had any previous exposure to addiction, and all that comes with it, so all the times he would "act up" I'd always treat it like a bad pms episode or something - I honestly didn't think it was much deeper than that. But I am now trying to deal with why I was willing to overlook so much. Little by little (just like that frog in the pot of water that's getting hotter very gradually), I found myself in a very bad marriage with a very sick man. When I look back now, all the red flags are so clear! I remember worrying so many times that he put too much emphasis on drinking, but, to be honest, I was like a pit-bull on the idea of getting married and having a baby. I think I denied and ignored a lot of "stuff" because I was too afraid to face the truth. Also, I have to say that I always assumed that everything would just work itself out as time went on...It never occured to me that he wouldn't keep good on his word to stop drinking and start doing all the things I wanted us to do together (walks, bike rides, movies, museums, etc.). I thought I was dealing with a "normal" person. Wow - it never occured to me that he was really sick! It wasn't until his drinking began to seriously interfere with everyday life (work, helping family, etc.) and he started spending days in his room drinking sun up til sun down and acting/looking like a crazy person, that I began to suspect that something was seriously, deeply wrong. His descent into madness happened right under my nose. I feel guilty that I did not see it sooner. I feel guilty that I drank with him as if he was a "normal" person. Of course I know it's not my fault (3 Cs), but I feel dirty when I think of all the times I "partied" with him...and all the while he was going crazy little by little.

Wow - sorry for the tangent!

I am sorry your trip got postponed...and I really do hope that you get to go soon. It sounds like so much fun!

Rella927

Yes the ruined vacations....do not think I can count how many of those there was! The one's even with them! I got phone calls of "I miss you and please come home" and the best was after telling him no 5 times-"I need you and if you do not come home I will report the car stolen"mind you while squeezing and making one of my dogs cry in the background! Unreal the blindness that creeps in-


Newenglgirl-The drinking with them thinking they were "normal" is because when we were doing the ride with them it was "normal" to us then-

Sorry got side tracked.....Cage your plane is waiting for you! Did you get your tickets yet??

cagefree

I could relate A LOT with what you wrote, but this sentence stood out the most...whenever we did anything, I had to plan it, or ALL of our free time would be spent mowing the lawn and watching TV. I'd ask him to take me out to eat and wind up paying almost every time. I'd even give him money when he would not be able to pay, so I could still feel like i was being taken out...who the heck was more sick - him or me!

He was so emotionally bankrupt and wanted and asked for a lot...but never put in the work...perhaps that's why he lacked gratitude. He never had to do the work. I did it for him

cagefree

that boils my blood - him hurting your puppies! GRRRRRRRRRR!

my XABF was VERY jealous of my dog. My dog has been with me for over 11 years - seen other boyfriends come and go...I told him if he didn't like it he could leave. He didn't dare mess with my pup...

So, why couldn't I be that protective of myself and let that guy just walk all over me so willingly...hmmmm...

Tickets...yes - tickets will come...maybe I'll upgrade to an amazing resort hotel (I'd love to stay at Wilderness Lodge). A girl can dream...thanks for reminding me

newenglandgirl

I, too, ask myself why I was willing to put up with so many unacceptable things. I've always had a hard time telling the difference between things I should take seriously and things I should not overreact about.

So far, it seems, that I have a good track record of flipping out over things that I should "let go", and not get so upset over...and then also brushing off things that I should take more seriously (like AH's antics).

Examining my "skewed radar" is of course taking me right back to my childhood. I think that it's possible that when you grow up in an environment that tells you what you are feeling is wrong all the time that you don't learn how to recognize your feelings in a proper way.

So, Cagefree, you ask: Why couldn't I be that protective of myself and let that guy just walk all over me so willingly?

Well, there's a lot to this...but one thought I have about why we allow people to do unacceptable things to us is that (speaking from my own experiences of course) when they happen we DO have a little voice (a feeling?) that tells us it is wrong...but we dismiss it because we do not trust our feelings/inner voice to guide us correctly.

I can't tell you how many times I ignored feelings because I thought they were being unreasonable and overreacting (well...hmmm, I was told my entire life by my parents that I overreact and "hysterical"....). I've learned to mistrust my inner compass.

Rella927

So sorry I have to laugh-NewEngl-"I was told my entire life by my parents that I overreact and "hysterical"
My mother still does this-in fact did it last night with the situation that I'am in now with the XAB, but quite frankly it is amazing when you begin to recover how you see it differently and do not react or bite into them-It feels nice to know that the wounded child inside is finally starting to grow up!

Cage-Yes the "jealous" nature of the dogs! I have two-Mother and daughter the one in the picture is the daughter 16 and the other 18. This was about a year ago (the day he was asked to never come back to my home) that he threw the then daughter 14 into the wall-and left my other (mother) out in the yard and hid her insulin and needles-(The cops and I searched for over 30 minutes looking for it) I had to go to Walgreens at 11:30 pm or the dog would have died.

Wow the tolerance we gain when we love......to much