He tells me he needs to set boundaries for me!!!!!!!!
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Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
He tells me he needs to set boundaries for me!!!!!!!!
My husband has been in rehab for the last 30 days and is getting out tomorrow. This is following the last 16 years of binge drinking which have gradually gotten worse and finally led to a DUI and almost death 6 weeks ago. I can tell he has learned a lot and said that it is the best thing he has ever done. I went to meet with his doctor and him last week. They gave me 3 questions to answer: 1) What I need or want from you is..... 2) What I need and want for you to understand is.....3) What I plan to do to aid in my own recovery. He was to do the same. I had my sheet of course all filled out. I explained my answers and it was his turn. He proceeded to say that he needed me to stop being so controlling. He said I am tired of you contacting my sponsor to see if i have been to meetings, etc. I told him that I never ever checked up on his attendance at meetings. The only reason I ever called his sponsor was when he relapsed I was looking for answers. He also said that he needed me to live in the present and not "stare" at the past. I told him that I would do my best to do so when my present stopped being like my past.
I told him tonight that I had set 4 concrete boundaries of what I considered unacceptable for our marriage. 1) Drinking and driving and putting my financial situation in jeopardy again 2) Drinking and driving with either one of our kids in the car 3)Not working his program 4) Going back to active drinking and lying. He then says "Eventually i want to set some boundaries for you too". I thought, "You've got to be kidding me! You don't have the right to put any boundaries on me after what I have been through with you." How about saying, "Those are fair and I'll do what I can to make sure none of that happens" Am I asking too much??? Please someone be honest with me. Does he have the right to set a boundary or put any demands on me? I told him he was lucky to be able to come home. Am I off base?? Will he ever be able or willing to admit that he really screwed up and that he appreciates me hanging in there with him? Thanks for letting me share.
I told him tonight that I had set 4 concrete boundaries of what I considered unacceptable for our marriage. 1) Drinking and driving and putting my financial situation in jeopardy again 2) Drinking and driving with either one of our kids in the car 3)Not working his program 4) Going back to active drinking and lying. He then says "Eventually i want to set some boundaries for you too". I thought, "You've got to be kidding me! You don't have the right to put any boundaries on me after what I have been through with you." How about saying, "Those are fair and I'll do what I can to make sure none of that happens" Am I asking too much??? Please someone be honest with me. Does he have the right to set a boundary or put any demands on me? I told him he was lucky to be able to come home. Am I off base?? Will he ever be able or willing to admit that he really screwed up and that he appreciates me hanging in there with him? Thanks for letting me share.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Do you attend Al-Anon? It helps deal with resentments left over from the past, etc. I think every single one of us has the right to set boundaries, even recovering A's. :-)
I can't imagine any reason to call his sponsor; in Al-Anon, you'd be able to call your own.
I can't imagine any reason to call his sponsor; in Al-Anon, you'd be able to call your own.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
He's quacking, they all do. Doesn't make any difference if he admits his failures to you or not, you know the truth.
Actually in one respect he is right, this is his problem to resolve not yours. He created the problem and it is his to resolve. All we codies try and control, that's our mantra, if we can control the situation we can resolve it...sorry, just doesn't work that way.
Your bounderies are set to protect you, if he crosses them what are you going to do? Keep staring at the past or move forward to a new future.
Focus on you, not him.
Actually in one respect he is right, this is his problem to resolve not yours. He created the problem and it is his to resolve. All we codies try and control, that's our mantra, if we can control the situation we can resolve it...sorry, just doesn't work that way.
Your bounderies are set to protect you, if he crosses them what are you going to do? Keep staring at the past or move forward to a new future.
Focus on you, not him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: oregon
Posts: 23
I think we all, alcoholic or not, have to decide what we are willing to put up with in others behavior. However, it sounds to me like he is doing the classic alcoholic shifting of focus. Instead of focusing on his own mistakes, and making things better with you, he is bringing up what's wrong with you. He IS lucky that you are letting him back home!
Sorry if this sounds a bit bitchy, but I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband, and he always tries to change the subject to what is wrong with me, or how he wouldn't be drinking so much if I wasn't such a horrible wife.
I hope he stays sober, and both of you can move forward and work things out.
Sorry if this sounds a bit bitchy, but I have been dealing with an alcoholic husband, and he always tries to change the subject to what is wrong with me, or how he wouldn't be drinking so much if I wasn't such a horrible wife.
I hope he stays sober, and both of you can move forward and work things out.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Here's a boundary that I set that works very well for me. I decided that I will not be in a relationship with nor allow an addict to live in my home. Problem solved. However, you have to find a solution that works for you. And it looks like you're still willing to work on your relationship. Setting boundaries and joining Alanon is a good place to start. So, you've set boundaries now that he's working on his recovery and in anticipation of his returning home and staying sober, but have you set boundaries for when he relapses? Because odds are he will.
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Peace Seeker
Been there ...done that!
Your post sounds just like a page taken out of my life story. When my husband FINALLY started seeking sobriety through AA ...after many years of denying and drinking, I was guardedly hopeful. However, I soon discovered that in the beginning, the alcoholic is still in recovery and not thinking or acting like a rational person. It takes up to 6 months to get their bodies and minds back to functioning normally. I was disappointed that he did not seem more remorseful for all the years of deceitful, obnoxious, chaotic, and miserable behavior .. and at times he would even come across as being a little self righteous. I got more than a few comments from him about needing boundries ... which was not a good thing to be throwing in someone's face that had been on the receiving end of horrific alcoholic insanity for decades. Like you I felt he should be grateful I was giving him another chance. However, they are still struggling in so many ways, sometimes it is necessary to let some time pass and hope they can stop focusing on themselves ... and start caring about the ones they have hurt so badly.
Since coming to this forum I have discovered that it is very common for a recovering alcoholic to still be self centered and difficult to be around .... I know mine was. After about 6 months to a year, he started acting more like his old self.... but unfortunately, like with so many alcoholics, he eventually relapsed.
Been there ...done that!
Your post sounds just like a page taken out of my life story. When my husband FINALLY started seeking sobriety through AA ...after many years of denying and drinking, I was guardedly hopeful. However, I soon discovered that in the beginning, the alcoholic is still in recovery and not thinking or acting like a rational person. It takes up to 6 months to get their bodies and minds back to functioning normally. I was disappointed that he did not seem more remorseful for all the years of deceitful, obnoxious, chaotic, and miserable behavior .. and at times he would even come across as being a little self righteous. I got more than a few comments from him about needing boundries ... which was not a good thing to be throwing in someone's face that had been on the receiving end of horrific alcoholic insanity for decades. Like you I felt he should be grateful I was giving him another chance. However, they are still struggling in so many ways, sometimes it is necessary to let some time pass and hope they can stop focusing on themselves ... and start caring about the ones they have hurt so badly.
Since coming to this forum I have discovered that it is very common for a recovering alcoholic to still be self centered and difficult to be around .... I know mine was. After about 6 months to a year, he started acting more like his old self.... but unfortunately, like with so many alcoholics, he eventually relapsed.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Welcome, Peace Seeker.
Boundaries are the mechanism by which healthy relationships function. I would be more worried if a partner of mine didn't have any boundaries, tbh. Of course, if they were more like rules, then I would perhaps have to reconsider.......
I have been having a situation in my life that has re-taught me a valuable lesson - if I just let people be, they will show me who they are soon enough. I don't have to have rules to control their behaviour, only boundaries to protect myself - and they don't even have to know what they are. In fact, I wonder if spelling out my boundaries isn't a form of control in itself? I think I'd rather base my decisions on the way people really are, rather than the way they are when trying to avoid a consequence of mine.
Hopefully, there will come a time when he shows remorse and makes amends to you for how he has behaved towards you. And hopefully you will be able to do the same. SR is a great place to start that journey.
Boundaries are the mechanism by which healthy relationships function. I would be more worried if a partner of mine didn't have any boundaries, tbh. Of course, if they were more like rules, then I would perhaps have to reconsider.......
I have been having a situation in my life that has re-taught me a valuable lesson - if I just let people be, they will show me who they are soon enough. I don't have to have rules to control their behaviour, only boundaries to protect myself - and they don't even have to know what they are. In fact, I wonder if spelling out my boundaries isn't a form of control in itself? I think I'd rather base my decisions on the way people really are, rather than the way they are when trying to avoid a consequence of mine.
Hopefully, there will come a time when he shows remorse and makes amends to you for how he has behaved towards you. And hopefully you will be able to do the same. SR is a great place to start that journey.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
One suggestion, don't tell them when, where or how to work their progrm, let his sponser and other A's do that.
If he thinks recovery is a good thing, maybe he will do 90 meetings in 90 days, thats an excellant start, but not for the spouse to say, then hopefully he will do a 4th and 5th step. That is when we see some change,
Please pay no attention for a while, it takes time. their nerve endings are screaming, anxiety is through the roof. even if we cannot see it their body is tense. BTDT, been with them,
His boundry to not call his sponsor is reasnable, we should all live in the min. in the day, pasts cannot be changed.
Acceptance of where he is for now is what will make it easier for you.
Just thoughts, take what you can use and leave the rest.
He has 16 years or more of wreakage to deal with, he will need baby steps and time, just like we Al-Anons need. Up to you to stay or leave, noone else can deceide that for you. Detox and rehab is tough, I would not wish it on anyone, but that is their only hope. Not easy for the wife, ask gals at Al-Anon.
If he thinks recovery is a good thing, maybe he will do 90 meetings in 90 days, thats an excellant start, but not for the spouse to say, then hopefully he will do a 4th and 5th step. That is when we see some change,
Please pay no attention for a while, it takes time. their nerve endings are screaming, anxiety is through the roof. even if we cannot see it their body is tense. BTDT, been with them,
His boundry to not call his sponsor is reasnable, we should all live in the min. in the day, pasts cannot be changed.
Acceptance of where he is for now is what will make it easier for you.
Just thoughts, take what you can use and leave the rest.
He has 16 years or more of wreakage to deal with, he will need baby steps and time, just like we Al-Anons need. Up to you to stay or leave, noone else can deceide that for you. Detox and rehab is tough, I would not wish it on anyone, but that is their only hope. Not easy for the wife, ask gals at Al-Anon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
I don't see anything wrong with what he said unless it was misinterpreted. There's nothing wrong with boundaries.
I've come to respect people with boundaries.
Boundaries don't take our power. We can accept them or not.
I think you could interpret him talking about boundaries as if to say, I have a few rules of my own. I think healthy relationships do have boundaries.
Why not find out what he meant by it?
Maybe he was just saying that he hoped he'd reach the point of being an equal partner where alcohol didn't factor in.
I'm a wife, not his mother. I'm not interested in teaching an adult man lessons.
It's a good time to have a look at our role and our comfort level with having a spouse with a functioning mind. Perhaps this is a truer measure of what's left to salvage. I've seen many relationships end when a person stops drinking because it screws up everyones role.
I've come to respect people with boundaries.
Boundaries don't take our power. We can accept them or not.
I think you could interpret him talking about boundaries as if to say, I have a few rules of my own. I think healthy relationships do have boundaries.
Why not find out what he meant by it?
Maybe he was just saying that he hoped he'd reach the point of being an equal partner where alcohol didn't factor in.
I'm a wife, not his mother. I'm not interested in teaching an adult man lessons.
It's a good time to have a look at our role and our comfort level with having a spouse with a functioning mind. Perhaps this is a truer measure of what's left to salvage. I've seen many relationships end when a person stops drinking because it screws up everyones role.
Royalty
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: Ohio
Posts: 366
And #3 ? If you are working on your own recovery......then his list should be a breeze. I do see that you're already defending yourself though..he says, don't call so and so, and you had to explain yourself.....don't fall for that. Say, yep, I will never call, done. Next.... the past....what past? done, next!
I am not trying to belittle anything worked on, and know how hard it is to not be appreciated, or validate all you have been through.....I had alot of trouble with this myself. Until I realized, that just isn't going to happen. It will only build up a ton of resentment, and that's not good for anyone, or anyone around you. There is this phrase on the tv show "according to Jim".....he is always telling his wife "let it go cheryl, just let it go" .....My AH, who looks very very similar to Jim, and acts just like him too, always walks around saying that to me if I tend to bring some old junk up.....Let it go Cheryl....it's now a standard joke in our house, but the point is there, and he means it. I know the truth, I don't need to prove it to the world, and it won't change anything if I do......so I let it go.
Boundaries can always be changed, btw. If those are not working out for you two, it can always be discussed and amended. I think it would be a good idea to say, in (pick a number) 3 months, we re-write these answers.....I think it would be very telling on how each others recovery is going. Or at least very interesting.
I wish you the best.
HQ (no my name isnt cheryl)
I am not trying to belittle anything worked on, and know how hard it is to not be appreciated, or validate all you have been through.....I had alot of trouble with this myself. Until I realized, that just isn't going to happen. It will only build up a ton of resentment, and that's not good for anyone, or anyone around you. There is this phrase on the tv show "according to Jim".....he is always telling his wife "let it go cheryl, just let it go" .....My AH, who looks very very similar to Jim, and acts just like him too, always walks around saying that to me if I tend to bring some old junk up.....Let it go Cheryl....it's now a standard joke in our house, but the point is there, and he means it. I know the truth, I don't need to prove it to the world, and it won't change anything if I do......so I let it go.
Boundaries can always be changed, btw. If those are not working out for you two, it can always be discussed and amended. I think it would be a good idea to say, in (pick a number) 3 months, we re-write these answers.....I think it would be very telling on how each others recovery is going. Or at least very interesting.
I wish you the best.
HQ (no my name isnt cheryl)
Last edited by HolyQow; 05-01-2007 at 01:49 AM. Reason: It cut half of my post off......
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Posts: 2,136
If you can set boundaries, then he can set boundaries. You have the right to be angry and ticked off that he is being so presumptuous as to tell you he wants to set boundaries after you have swallowed so much of his crap all these years. That's where Al-Anon becomes a valuable tool for you.
Work your own program. Set boundaries for yourself. Don't issue a list of ultimatums, don't take his inventory, and if he starts listing your shortcomings, ordering you about, or taking your inventory and invading your boundaries, then it's time to detach.
He has messed up big-time. Right now his brain is scrambled. Let him work his program. Give it time. Al-Anon will help you to work through the anger you have. At this point, it's probably best that everyone go to neutral corners and deal with their own issues. If he makes it and maintains sobriety, in time he will make amends for the stuff he pulled on you. Patience and the ability to work through the anger will be your salvation. Easy? Nope. Worth it? Yeah.
Work your own program. Set boundaries for yourself. Don't issue a list of ultimatums, don't take his inventory, and if he starts listing your shortcomings, ordering you about, or taking your inventory and invading your boundaries, then it's time to detach.
He has messed up big-time. Right now his brain is scrambled. Let him work his program. Give it time. Al-Anon will help you to work through the anger you have. At this point, it's probably best that everyone go to neutral corners and deal with their own issues. If he makes it and maintains sobriety, in time he will make amends for the stuff he pulled on you. Patience and the ability to work through the anger will be your salvation. Easy? Nope. Worth it? Yeah.
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Join Date: Apr 2006
Location: Green,green grass of home
Posts: 600
I can really relate.go figure the alcoholic,wanting to set boundaires,after all the trouble he has caused...I use to really believe this also.That was until i came to recovery myself.For me its with both AA/Al-anon.It wasnt until i got to my 4-5th step,that my eyes became open,to MY,part in all the stuff.Alcoholism is oftened called the family disease.Everyone plays some kind of part.The alcoholic acts out,loved ones react.When i got to my 4-5th step,i wasnt so ready to point,at him,anymore.How ive spoke and treated a sick person,but learning new ways to live and be.I didnt do differently because i didnt know differently.I know its hard,because as one is focusing on anothers faults,and things that have they have done to hurt,..But recovery does begin with me.Thats where it starts.Hands off his recovery.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Virginia Beach
Posts: 12
Thanks so much for all of your responses. I am in therapy and going to al-anon. I know it doesn't seem like it! I still have so much anger and resentment built up that I am working on releasing. It is not easy as you all know. I do know that I am only incharge of myself and that is limited. God only knows ultimately the path that we will take. Thanks for listening!
CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
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Peace (((Hugs))) try not to beat yourself up to much! We all go through the process at the speed we need for ourselves! Rome was not built in a day! Many prayers to you...
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Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: Ohio
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Originally Posted by denny57 
Peaceseeker - I know my area has several meetings devoted to "Living with Sobriety." Do you have any in your area?
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I think Getting Them Sober --Vol. 4 deals with these issues,too. (http://www.GettingThemSober.com)
Thanks for this helpful topic; good info even if my A isn't in recovery!
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