Cynay

I have been thinking about this post....

Have you read this thread? http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ependency.html

I know that by the time my ex-abf got sober I was SO angry and to be really honest I was probably sicker then he was by then... I did so many things that underminded his recovery program... today I feel awful about it and to be quite honest he left me.... and I pray he is still sober today, had he stayed with me he probably would not be. It was not until I started working my program and attending AA meetings that I began to see how awful my behavior was... I could not see it at the time because I was right!!! Powerful tool to guilt someone with and I used it to justify my actions. The problem with that is though yes I was right in how awful he treated me, about his lying, cheating, and just disrespectful, not being responsible... BUT.....

I was too hurt/angry to get that he was right too. All I can say is if you really want to save that marriage.... take the focus off him and his recovery and keep it "firmly" on yourself. Give it a year or so of you both working on your recovery and keep your expectations to nothing... at that time, if he remains sober, you can make some decisions about it all.... He is not going to be the same man and you wont be the same either.

I still do it to this day at times, I try to shift anothers recovery so that my needs are met... not smart and it will ultimately cause the fall of that relationship.... It is not an easy thing to keep the focus on yourself and after living with an Alcoholic for 16 years.... gggeeezzz my hat off to you!!!! I would have gone mad Im sure. But the question remains.

Do you want to be right or Do you want to be happy?

Tazman53

If he is really working his program he will, or he will never make it past step 9. In regards to him setting boundaries for you? The only boundary I can imagine he may have a right to set would be no booze in the house.

parentrecovers

i think everyone involved needs boundaries. it's healthy in families. it's about respect. blessings, k

socalgal

Every human being has a right to have boundaries. The right to have boundaries isn't earned, it is inherent.

I am a recovering alcoholic. I have a right to boundaries. This is a separate issue from making amends, which your H will do if and when he gets to that place in his program.

Patience is so hard. I am struggling right now with patience.

-K

Sunflower

He is LUCKY you are taking him back!I agree---there is a thing such as rightgeous anger---you need to let it out--if you keep it in an mask it--it will resurface again..I think you are also right to expect the type of answer you wanted-a polite one
Gee I sometimes feel so opposite everyone--I don't do it on purpose LOL
As far as his recovery--yes you have to learn to totally keep out of it and it is hard--but everyday you do-it gets easier for you and him.
Nothing wrong with boundries--they make life easier for everyone!
He reacted like they all do''oh yeah-well if I have to do this you are gonna do that!""
Hopefully he will work it all outBest of luck to you..

denny57

I guess I would be wondering if I felt lucky to have him back. It begins, and ends, with me.

FormerDoormat

I agree, Denny.

I felt relieved once I ended the relationship and my exA boyfriend moved out. After he completed his first inhouse rehab program, he seemed to do rather well and maintained his sobriety for ~8 months. During that time, I considered giving him another chance and allowing him to live with me once again. But then I realized if I did so and he relapsed that I'd be living in a prison of my own making. And the only person whom I could blame for my misery was myself.

I don't consider myself lucky that my life is no longer in turmoil due to my ex-partner's drinking because that would indicate that happiness, peace, and serenity happen by chance. They happen by choice.

denny57

I'm stealing that!