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sinking.......

Old 05-06-2003, 01:09 PM
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sinking.......

I have this sick feeling in my stomach. It came on because I was talking to a young girl at work who is just beginning her relationship with her boyfriend. We went to look at the house that is being built and her future seems like it will be so pleasant. Then I get back to the office and start talking to another co-worker about someone that we use to work with that retired with $500K in his retirement account. That really got me. I have no way near that amount and never will. These dives come on so suddenly sometimes. I know better than to compare myself to others but when I hear about someone having a "normal" life or about someone financially secure it makes me feel like a failure.

Last night I had two dreams. In the first dream I was driving my son's car (an old Mazda 626 that both my sister and my father drove for awhile) and I was coming to a frozen lake, I tried to stop the car before going onto the lake, but I couldn't stop. I drove onto the lake and began to think about how to get the car back onto the shore. As I was trying to get back onto the shore, the car went through the ice and was submerged. I was able to get out of the car easily and to the shore. I began to think about how I would get the car pulled out of the lake and about how angry my husband would be.

Dream two was also about the lake. This time I was going onto the lake in a boat. THe boat was shaped like a propane tank. It was metal and very thin and cold. I remember thinking, what am I doing here in this funny boat? I was inside the tank/boat when it began to sink and fill up with water. I was not afraid but annoyed and easily got out of the boat and to shore. Again I was thinking how strange it is that everything keeps sinking.

So what is going on? I guess I think that my transportion or my ride keeps sinking, over and over. Oh fooey, I feel so low........
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Old 05-06-2003, 02:05 PM
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Hi Rose,

Your dreams were interesting. The fact that you can easily get out of the car and then the boat and make it back to shore safely means that you are going to survive whatever situation comes your way! Well, that is my theory anyway. I know what you mean about seeing what other so called "normal" people have. I will be 49 this year and I am struggleing more now than ever before. I just keep thanking God for what I have and knowing that everything will be OK.

Take care,
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Old 05-06-2003, 02:24 PM
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Rose

I think it means that you should stay out of boats. .

Seriously, I also think it shows that you know how to survive, but continue to feel like you are sinking. There will always be other people who appear better off than we are, and maybe they really are. I don't have 500K, nor do I have a fancy new house, but I have everything I need and for that I am grateful.

I buy one lottery ticket a month, and figure if God wants me to be rich I will win, and if not all the tickets in the world won't get me there. But I promise that if I ever win, I will share it with you Rose, but I ain't booking any cruises with you. Noooo ma'am

Just work on today, Rose, and tomorrow will look after itself. Don't miss the boat on today's happiness wondering what the future holds. And you'll be just fine (just like your dream says).
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Old 05-06-2003, 02:25 PM
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Hi Rose - I'm certainly no psychologist, but I've heard the theory that in dreams, water represents the subconscious, so if that is the case, then your dreams have some very interesting meaning!

Be kind to yourself, Rose, and remember - the grass is always greener on the other side. Appearances can sometimes be very deceptive - I have judged other's lives before, thinking they have it easy or "made" in some way, only to discover that they carry their burdens too, often a lot heavier than mine.

Sending lots of love and hugs!
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Old 05-07-2003, 06:11 AM
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Good Mornng Friends!
I feel better this morning. Thanks for your thoughts, yes Anns I think I should stay away from boats for awhile!

Margo, interesting idea: drowning in my subconscious. Perhaps it means I need to be more present, more in the moment. I am working on this.

I read something last night that suggested that negitivity is the ego's way of maintaining its identity. Once you become aligned with unhappiness, then your ego has a vested interest in maintaining that identity. "I am the one being wronged." etc. The book suggests that the way to get out of this loop is to pay attention to what is happening. Like:" I see myself being negative again, I must be trying to maintain my identity as a wronged individual". Somehow this awareness defeats the ego's ploy to identify with unhappiness. What do you think? I know that when I feel bad, and I am aware that it is only temporary and I will feel better later, it seems to help.

You can tell from my notes that the situation at home is raging out of control. My husband tries some days to do a project or two around the house. But mostly he is drinking and either not home or home and being abnoxious. I know I can't fix this situation. And I know I need to deal with it one day at a time. I know that my feelings of sinking stem from living in such a crazy situation. I am making it every day, with my higher power's help. But my boundaries are being violated every day and somehow this has to stop. I do have a boundary: I will not support my husband and provide for all his needs, while he is capable of working but chooses not to work. I know this is a boundary, I didn't choose it, but I can't seem to get away from it. So now that I know about my boundary, what do I do? I have told him about it, I have threatened him with it, and so far no response. I know that he is sick and that he is depressed and having trouble taking any action. So my choices are to continue to allow my boundary to be violated or ask him to leave. For today I choose to let him violate my boundary. Why? Because I don't know how to give up on a sinking situation. Because I don't want to hurt him. Because I am still in denial part of the time. Because I don't want to be alone. Oh fooey.
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Old 05-07-2003, 07:21 AM
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Good mornin' Rose!

First a hug. (((( Rose! ))))

Know what? It's okay. Those compromises are yours to make. If life with him looks better than life without him, it's your call. I do (as usual) have a couple of thoughts.

The boundary thing confused the life out of me. Like you, I would make big old statements about the way things had to be, then couldn't bring myself to follow through on the "or else". That made me feel like a failure. I think boundaries have to be realistic in terms of what we are really willing to do. And they have to be rules for us, not them. When I said "Read the AA handbook or never darken my door again." I thought I meant it. First of all... unless I gave pop quizzes, how would I ever know? Secondly... it was baloney. He knew it even if I didn't. So I had to move to smaller more reasonable boundaries. Here's a silly one.

The cracker boundary. I bought the danged crackers. There was never any contribution to the cracker budget from Dino (nor to any budget... but I'm being silly now). Now, there's the kind of crackers he likes... which are expensive and to me taste like salted cardboard. Then there are the compromise crackers that neither of us like very much. I finally decided that if I'm going to bring home the crackers, they're going to be the one's I like. Not the one's he likes and not a compromise. If he wanted something else, he could buy it. What? No money? Why? No job? Awwwwww.

I know that sounds ridiculous, but it was the way I had to start to get the hang of the boundary making thing and to move on to more meaningful ones. It was the way I made myself see that there were a host of little sacrifices I was making for no good reason at all. And getting rid of the little irritations gives you more energy to deal with bigger issues.

If someone can say "The dry way or the highway!" and mean it, and act on it... more power to 'em. But saying it and not following through just reinforces the notion that you make a good doormat. And it made me feel like a wimp for not living up to what was not in my heart to do. If you're not ready for the big drop kick... that's okay. You might be someday, but until you are it's possible to go for smaller goals, and to feel victorious. Even if it's just about crackers.

More hugs,
Smoke
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Old 05-07-2003, 08:37 AM
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Hi again Rose - very interesting thoughts on the dream representation. My thought (if indeed the water/subconscious relationship is true) is that you are not afraid to look deep within yourself as you are able to come out again unscathed, and also that you are a survivor!

I too struggle with the boundary thing. The idea of setting them really scared me - I didn't know how to even begin and the whole idea was just overwhelming. My A is so stubborn that if I gave the "quit or else" ultimatum, I know for a fact that he would up and leave, even though I know he wouldn't want to. That is how stubborn he is.

Anyway, I have to say thanks to Smoke for that wonderful cracker analogy - here I've been starting to set boundaries already, and didn't even know it! I think I need to go and read the sticky post again!

Love and hugs.
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Old 05-07-2003, 10:00 AM
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Oh thanks a million Smoke! I love the cracker anology as it is so true for me. There are many cracker issues, where I comprimise for no reason. I will try to work toward smaller goals first. Lets see.........If I want to sleep late and drive to work I will do so, regardless if my husband or children want to use the car (instead of getting up early and carpooling).
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Old 05-07-2003, 11:17 AM
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Yaaaaay! That's the spirit!
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Old 05-27-2003, 05:54 PM
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Who's crackers now?

Oh Ro-oooooose!

Have I got a p.s. for you. It's the truth, no kidding. A couple of days ago, Dino sez to me, he sez "Say... I really like those crackers you've been buying."
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Old 05-27-2003, 07:43 PM
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Hey Rose,

As the daughter of a Coast Guard Commander, I feel obligated to throw you a life preserver pal. There is always a way to float instead of sink. And if sinking seems imminent, send out an SOS. You freinds will always come to the rescue. Now tread water and I will swim you back to shore.
Peace,
Gabe
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Old 05-27-2003, 09:50 PM
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Hey Rose,

Just wanted to loan you my little swimmies...you know, those little things that kids put around their upper arms, blow up and then float like a breeze? Good thing for you I have two pair. One for you and then my set that I wear at ALL times for you just never know when those ole A's will torpedo us and send us sinking....or what they and we THINK is sinking. I can just feel myself going down when all of a sudden I remember everything I've learned here and at Al Anon and, by darn, Rose, my head pops back up and I say, "A ha! Fooled ya!"...smiles.

Now float, baby, float....

Keeping you in my prayers, as always, Rose.

Love,

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Old 05-28-2003, 04:44 AM
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Smoke, oh you are too funny! That is the best story, I guess we should do it our way more often.

Gabe, thanks for the life perserver, you and others here sure have been life savers for me. Yes, I feel like I am treading water.

Hangin'In, thanks for the swimmies. I be floating, floating, floating..............

I am feeling pretty good this morning. My son is graduating from high school next monday. I am excited for him and proud of him. I also have this feeling of time slipping away, of his childhood slipping away. Where did it all go?
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Old 12-13-2003, 07:39 PM
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Up out of the basement for Heather.
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Old 12-14-2003, 06:50 AM
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I'm 41 and still not financially secure wondering how I'll ever be. I live on $19,000 a year with one child.
One wall on my house is rotting because the window was put in wrong and I have no idea how I'll pay for that, and my insurance company seems to think I need a new oil tank... Hopefully God will give me what I need.

Ngaire
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