free2be

I am not sure why I miss him?
I am right know listening to the kids argue and laugh, the dogs barking outside. I am looking at dinner dishes in the sink, a pile of laundry that is growing by the minute. I am helping with homework, baths and getting things ready for the week. Yet, even though everything is a little chaotic and stressful, everyone in the house isn't walking on egg shells. The kids, as well as me, are finally being able to be imperfect. There is a strange kind of calm chaos going on.

When he was here and this kind of everyday life would happen(which I tried very hard not to let it happen) it was so stressful. I would try and control everything from soup to nuts. Now, I can let the kids fight, dog's bark, wait until later to do dishes, laundry will eventually get done. I can let the kids moan and groan while doing their H.W. and having to take baths and go to bed.
So what and why do I miss him so much? Why is it so easy to forget the all the bad and so easy to remember a little good? The good was few and far between. Like watching T.V. on Sunday nights and he and I laughing about nothing. It certainly is much more peaceful and calm without him here. I just don't understand what it is I miss. 90% of the time it was pure hell with him here and 10% of the time it was great. Has anyone felt this way, and what did or do you do to remember how bad it was?

denny57

Sounds very nice. In my case, I first missed the familiar. Then there was a time I needed to remind myself of the bad to stay the course. Now, I just appreciate the calmer life I lead, and I really don't need to think of the bad times, which are actually getting more distant. I think the time frame is different for everyone.

To answer your specific answer, to recall a bad time, I'd just take the present moment I was in and then find a similar instance from life with AH where it all went sour because of the drinking. It was pretty easy to do, actually.

((()))

TexasGirl

Here's a different perspective for you.

I do not miss him in the least. I have no romantic feelings whatsoever for him, and frankly, I don't even think I have friendly feelings for him. And you know what? Even though I don't remember the good times at this point, I can't really remember the bad times either. What I'm saying is that I think maybe we all start to block out the bad, not necessarily because the good is all we can remember, but because it is just too emotionally draining to remember the bad. I have to try to remember the hurt, and the only reason I am doing so is because I am trying to write about it and share the emotion.

Does that make sense???

Mr. Christian

It was very hard for me to look at the reality of it all and accept how bad it really was.

We tend to hold onto the great times and memories of those we love.
I say love and not loved because I really do not think we stop loving them.
We just understand that we can not live with them and with an unhealthy relationship.

You say things are peaceful, this should be your biggest gift for you and your family.

Denial of the real person is difficult but it comes with a peaceful conclusion and ultimate acceptance.

prodigal

Melodie Beattie speaks of this grief in her book. It is grief for the death of your dream; what you wanted from him, what you expected of him, the type of life you envisioned living until "death do you part."

Letting go of our desires, aspirations, and goals that we have planned with another person are harder to let go of than person himself. When we grieve this type of loss, I believe we are actually grieving the loss of the part we gave to them that we can never get back. So he is gone, yet a part of you went with him as well. It's a tragedy.

cagefree

For me, it was my longest relationship - so I miss feeling that I was successful in that area of my life...I miss someone I considered my best friend

The thing is, I wasn't successful in love - I don't want another relationship like that EVER. From the get-go I always used to say that the thing I loved the most about him, was that I didn't feel like I had to be perfect around him. Turned out he pretty much wanted me to be perfect, to do whatever he wanted and not what I needed and to be okay with him giving back nothing in return...hmmm

He wasn't my best friend. The worst of my friends looks like a saint next to his lies, deception, manipulation, etc. I had friends approach me to let me know someone they know approached them after seeing my x talk down to me or treat me bad in public.

I'm embarassed about letting him do that to me. I'm embarassed that I made it okay with myself to stay with someone who shouted at me in a crowded restaraunt "Will you be quiet so I can eat!" when I was talking to him about how great our day was going to be.

I needed to change and make it NOT okay with myself to be with someone capable of putting another human through what he put me and probably all of his other x's through.

To be honest, my life is so freakin awesome without him constantly poking his self inflicted dramas and problems into my day, making them my problems too.

for example...when he lived with me, the electric bill was never below $100.

Since he left, I haven't had a bill over $45. Last month was in the $30's. He took so many flipping showers to hide everything, our propane was being filled almost every 6 weeks. Now that he's gone, after 3 months I have only used %50 of the tank.

I think i'm gonna go on a vacation with the money I'm saving!

I'm still wistful, but for me, I guess it's wishful thinking that there was something there to mourn in the first place...

free2be

It is very painful for me. I do miss him. I have been with him off and on since I was 14 and then eventually married him and stayed for another 17 years. He was, what I thought was my best friend. Even thought he was never very kind to me. He had some sick way of making me feel as though I mattered.
This is probably one of the most difficult times in my life. I can not stop crying. I feel so sad, I can't seem to snap myself out of it. I feel so selfish. My kids for the first time ever don't have the stress of tip toeing around the house.I don't have to give them the "pep" talk before he comes in or we get home. They are finally able to be themselves. The whole thing is just so,so sick. I miss him being here.

sthrnraizd

I was recently going through the same thing...I posted about it. I wrote down all the bad and emailed it to myself. Then I could look at it anythime I thought stupid thoughts of missing him, or wanting him back.

Seeking Wisdom

Many of us have been through similar experiences ... we hated the chaotic life with an alcoholic, but there was obviously something about them we cared about that made us stay so long. You are mourning the loss of a long term relationship that was familiar to you ...and all the hopes and dreams that went with it. For me, my children came first... so I learned to feel pure and utter joy at finally letting my children live a normal life, to laugh and play and do all the normal kid stuff without fear... it is truly a blessing and a gift to them. Even as teenagers it was a joy to finally let them have friends over without living in fear of some pending unpredictable outrage from their father. I have seen them grow and blossom as they could concentrate on just being kids living their lives, rather than worrying about what might happen next. I take some pleasure in feeling my choices, that were hard to make and difficult to enforce, contributed to them being happier and healthier kids today. They have always been my focal point ... and when I would start worrying or feeling sad, I would just start thinking about their well being .. and everything would seem good and right with the world again.

GlassPrisoner

It's the same from the other side too. I'm a recovering Alkie, who lost his wife to a "free spirit" 15 years my junior.

Yes, my drinking was the main problem in the relationship, but not the only one. For whatever reasons, she has behaved , well , badly.

That said, I catch myseldf often thinking of the good times. Cuz 'ya know, it wasn't ALL bad. Hell, just grocery shopping today, I started getting depressed and couldn't figure out why. Turns out, that was one of the things we shared doing together. Providing for the Family & stuff. It was her and I against the world when we were happy.

ICU

Free2Be,

I understand what you are saying more than you know. I'm kind of going through a 'delayed reaction' type of thing after almost 2 years of splitting with him. Those feeings really caught me off guard.

After 'forcing myself' to focus on only the 'bad' aspects of the relationship (upon the strongly worded suggestion from my counselor) for so long, I shoved the good memories way down deep. I guess it was what I had to do at the time in order for me to remain 'safe'.

I like what Prodigal has said here...

To the first sentence in the above quote, I would like to add that letting go of the 'love' is the most difficult for me. I'm obviously not there yet. Letting go of the abusive part was difficult, not because it was a welcomed way to be treated, but rather I had to let go of, or rather, 'put on the back burner' the 'love' part in order to rid myself of the abuse.

See, I split my ex into 2 people....the mean side and the loving side. I think that was a CRITICAL ERROR on my part, for both those personality traits resided within "1" person....not "2". I put up with the bad, mean side because I couldn't let go of the loving side. Oh, and here's another one I remember telling myself all the time...."you don't stop loving the man because of the bad behavior. You can love the man, but hate the behavior". It's kind of like when a child misbehaves...you don't tell the child that you don't love him anymore, you tell him that you love him but don't like his behavior. Anyway, those were my actual beliefs at the time.

Eventually, the bad got so bad, I had no choice but to let go. But I never dealt with letting go of the love part. And so that's where I seem to be stuck today. I guess it happened the way it had to happen for me. It had to take 2 years of me remembering the bad in order to care for and protect myself. I guess now I feel safe enough to tackle the 'love' part.

I'm not really 'sure' of anything right now....sometimes I think I have the answers, only to have the answer change later on as I gain more knowledge.

I think how it happens or when it happens (letting go of the loving/missing them feelings) is different for each of us. We all heal in our own space and time. It hurts like hell sometimes when we feel our feelings, but it's a necessary part of the process, I guess.

Keep talking it out here Free. It won't change anything right away, but it does help! Writing is very therapeutic!!

KATIE77

Its always the way I think. Even if you look back at the worst thing that happened you always find something beautiful in it which seems to blot out all the crap.
Only an idea -
I wrote a list (and it sure was a long one once I got going) and I wrote down all the bad times, how he made me feel, how he hurt me, lied cheated etc... I wrote down every little instance and to be honest I was shocked when I got to the end of the list! Honest it was nearly 12 pages long!!!!
Then when I was having a "moment" I got out the list and read through and relived those moments. At the end of it I was feeling hurt, angry and I sure as heck didnt want him.
Its only an idea but it may help
((HUG))

elizabeth1979

I suppose it may depend on what you want at the moment you are trying to remember.
I, right now, am hard pressed to remember alot of good.
The bad comes to mind rather quickly.

StandingStrong

As was mentioned, the familiar is something we miss. Our A's were familiar.
We greive for the loss of the relationship, the person we fell in love with, the dreams of the life that we thought we'd have with this person.
And sometimes, we miss them because we miss the companionship. That feeling of having a partner, a lover, a best friend, etc - even though often times, they weren't there a whole lot anyways.

I remember how my kids reacted at first to the split - though one was highly upset, they all seemed calmer. I remember too realizing just how much more peaceful my life was.
I didn't go through that missing phase that so many do - I missed him sometimes. But not all the time.
I missed a lot of things though - which really came down to going through the greiving process.

(((hugs)))

Sunflower

maybe because you miss the way he used to be--you want that back ---before all this alcohol stuff

FormerDoormat

I won't allow myself to dwell on the hurt any longer. I spent enough time in pain over the past few years due to my ex-partner's drinking. After I ended the relationship, I gave myself a set amount of time each day to grieve the loss of the relationship (I limited it to my commute to and from work so I wouldn't effect others). I could pout, cry, pound my fists, or yell at the top of my lungs to my heart's desire in the privacy of my car. But when I walked through the door each evening, I was done.

A dear friend suggested this coping mechanism to me; a therapist had suggested it to her several years before. It worked very well for me and kept my pain and grief at a manageable level. Thought I'd take this opportunity to "pay it forward" and share this idea with all of you.

These days, I limit my grief and negative feelings to only a few moments. Once I realize that I'm drifting into a negative state of mind, I rechannel my thoughts and focus only on what's positive in my life today.

Today my life is filled with peace and joy. And it's not a just state of mind. It's a conscious choice I've made. We all have choices. We only get one life. I've chosen to live well and be happy.

Macushla

My wound is fresh, and he hasn't really left as he came every day to see his son up until recently when his drinking got very bad. I miss him, sometimes to badly that I am tempted to phone him... But I never do. I look at my son, he misses his father, he adores the ground he stands on but all the same, he is more carefree and has no more nightmares. I look at my dogs (I run a Bull Breed Rescue) and even they seem to breathe easier and are calmer. And then I look in the mirror and see a middle ages worn out woman who has always been strong for others but never for herself. And I keep saying to myself, pain is good, it means you are alive. I am not even half way there to whatever it is that I think there must be (I know what I mean...) but I will not give in to the temptation because it is a bit like childbirth, you forget the pain until you get to the point of giving birth again and it all comes flooding back but by then it is too late to turn around.

sunwish

I started to write in a journal a long time ago but when I finally made up my mind that we were going to get a divorce I started a seperate journal of things that I am tired of dealing with...things I am looking forward to...dreams that will never come true...reasons I am mad....to do lists...what I need to change in the house when he leaves.....and I do go back and reread pages and add to it. My feeling have changed over the years and it is not often that I miss the old him but then again he is still here. I imagine that when I do not see him everyday I may feel different and may need to open that journal more often but I know I will never want that kind of a relationship again. I have learned some valuable lessons.

free2be

I really need to remember the bad things. I think for me anyway, I don't get how in one week he can go from "I love yous" to walking out the door and leaving us. He just turned me off. Is it possible to just turn someone off. Or maybe he never really loved me and those were just words. I think if I miss him he must miss me too. I just feel as though maybe if I had some closure from him I might be able to move on. I just feel stuck.

denny57

I still have periods of being "stuck." Then I keep moving forward. I'm not a big fan of that closure word. I know I no longer feel a need to settle anything with AH. I believe that has come about by focusing on me. It took a while to get there, though, so don't feel badly about where you are in your own recovery. The first decision I made when I could think straight was just this: I won't wallow in it. I'll feel it, but I'll set a time limit on my pity parties. It worked, and they got shorter and shorter, and now I don't want to have them. I have good days, I have bad days. I have what I would call a pretty normal life. The drama is gone and that feels great.

((()))