mama2sunshine

Well, last Sunday my A partner got drunk and now he's off to do it again. Last Sunday I confronted him and he denied drinking until tuesday when we talked about me seeking help from al-anon. This incited a rageful and hurtful conversation where he lashed out at me. Then we trickled down to the next few days of the week where he was apologetic and made empty promises. Our weekend begun with him telling me he was 6 days sober (who knows?) and telling me that he wanted to spend the whole weekend with me and baby dd. Telling me it's easier to remain sober when he is with us then when he is with his (only) friend (who drinks and does cocaine). I call this friend (in my head) "stupid friend". They have been friends since they were kids. So yesterday we spent together. I don't think he drank. It was a pretty nice day. Today he woke up and I knew the niceness was over. It was a feeling I get in my gut. A horrible feeling. He started being nasty and cruel. This translates into "I want to go to 'stupid friend's' house but I know you don't want me too so I will pick fights with you and be so horrible that you wish I would go and then I will go". So he's gone. But not without emotionally battering me first. He will come home at some point. I will not know when that will be. When he gets home he will most likely be drunk but he will tell me that he has not had a thing to drink. Not a thing. Either it will be very obvious he is drunk or I will not be sure. It doesn't really matter which one it is because I will not be able to allow him to take care of dd while I get a break either way because I cannot be sure whether he has been drinking or not so I don't know if she will be safe or not. So I will not get a break for childcare today. (well, she is sleeping now so this is my break).

Anyway. How do I detatch in this situation. I started being to "attatched" before he left. I got angry. I raised my voice. He told me I "had to trust him" and I told him "no. I didn't. He has to earn my trust". Then I went in the bedroom with little dd and shut the doors until he left. So when he gets home . . . How do I act?

Rock-Hardplace wrote a post I just read where she asked if you only detatch while they are drinking or all the time. My A partner is like her husband. I truly think he does remain sober for about a week at a time. During this time I slowly warm up to him. We laugh. We hug. That's about it though. I can't bring myself to have sex with him - No trust there anymore after all the lies. And then he comes home trashed. Always the same pattern. Wakes up, starts to get angry. Tells me I don't allow him to have friends (even though I havn't said anything). Goes to his friends house. Comes home drunk. Sits on the couch and berates me until he passes out. I try to keep the baby occupied and try to keep myself from blowing up at him and throwing things at his big, fat, stupid, drunk, head.

So. How do I change this pattern? I mean for me and dd. I know (am begining to know) that I can't change him. I think it would be smart to have an activity planned so that me and dd are not here when he gets home. I have yet to go to an al-anon meeting but there is not one close to me on Sunday. I don't drive so I have to take the bus with my toddler which is difficult on Sunday when the busses are slow. But maybe we will find somewhere to go.

Are there some good phrases I good use with him? Like when he starts his ranting and raving and blaming? Anyone have a link to something that really EXPLAINS detatchment and how to do it?

Sometimes I think I am already so detatched. But then I let myself get sucked back in and that's when I get burned again. I'm so sick of this...

Mr. Christian

There is some great literature on detachment which is available from Alanon.
If you call a local office or go to a meeting you can pick then up at both..

You see my sitch was different because I was apart from my wife. But I still found it hard to detach my thinking.


If you do have a office near you I have found many will talk with you and even have someone who is in Alanon call you. If they do live near by you might be able to car pool.
The site for Alanon is:

http://www.al-anon.org/

prodigal

I would suggest you purchase Melodie Beattie's classic, "Codependent No More." She goes into great detail about detachment. Also, as Mr. C suggested, find out about car pooling. When he begings ranting and blaming you for whatever, perhaps you could take the baby for a walk, take a shower, start cooking anything you can think of, call a good friend, call a family member. Remove yourself from the situation to the best of your ability.

As far as having responses to give him when he starts in on you, I would suggest saying nothing. No matter what you say, chances are good he'll twist it around and it will add fuel to the fire. In my experience with AH, I found that nothing other than silence or just saying "Yeah, uh-huh" worked when he started in on a rant.

loveRoy

Do you have a family member or a friend that you and your daughter could stay with for a few days? I was just thinking that maybe you need a break so you could rest and have help with your daughter. Is that possible? Sometimes I just needed to get away and breathe.

ICU

Here's a link I found to a thread in the stickies. Maybe this will help to shed some light.

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html

I'll post more here if I find any.

mama2sunshine

thanks for the support and the good ideas. I get motivated and then I get paralyzed. I make an escape plan and then when he starts his ranting and raving I just close me and dd in a room and read to her instead of leaving the house because, because, because . . . it's nighttime or it's hard to find places to go with a toddler and no money and no car, and I don't want to impose on my friends, or A BIG ONE - I RESENT having to leave my house with my baby because my partner is acting like a lunatic. I am the mother. I should have peace in my home with my child. HE should leave or he should care enough about our baby girl to friggin shut the h*ll up. I also resent the fact that he has ALL this energy to rant and rave but no energy to help with the baby, or pick up around the house, or take any resposibility.

I am so tired and so drained.

WhatAboutME

You know, I have got to say, God bless you guys who have children and have to deal with the alcoholic as well. I can't even imagine. I mean, I just have dogs, and between them and my AH, I just couldn't take anymore.

My AH is also a binge drinker. 2, 3, sometimes even a week w/o drinking and then...It gets nasty. And then 2,3 sometimes even a week of nothing but drinking. Constant, morning until night. I too find myself getting sucked back in with those days of sobriety thinking, hoping, that this will be it. Maybe he really won't drink again. Ten years, and I'm still waiting.

I have never been able to detach while living with my AH. I tried, it just never seemed to work. He's gone now, and I still am struggling with "complete" detachment.

Seeking Wisdom

So sorry to hear about your situation ... especially with such a young child. You have received some good guidance above about detachment and where to find additional information.

I lived with your same nightmare for years with 2 young sons... except I could drive and had access to a car. I understand exactly what you are going through ... I wish I had a nickel for every time I had to lock myself in my bedroom, my children's bedroom (both of which he would then yell provoking words through the door) ... and all the times I had to quickly grab my young kids and try to sneak out to the car so we could leave the insanity. I would sometimes go to the park, to the store ... or sometimes just drive around ... AND I REALLY GOT SICK OF IT. After a while we had been everywhere and done everything too many times... and they had short attention spans and would get restless .. and I realized he had a serious problem that wasn't going to improve and something had to change.

I also so recognize the behavior you described of an improvement in his drinking for a few days (usually after a big fight) and then the inevitable slide back again, over and over and over again. We refer to that as the alcoholic's "roller coaster" behavior. The nicer I was, the more he drank .. the only time he slowed down was if I got really angry ... I was conditioned to get angry in order to have him make any improvement. I also can really relate to the obnoxious and nasty behavior used to provoke a fight to give them excuse to go out and drink again. Yes it is a cycle .. a very sick cycle that I didn't have enough information at the time to make wiser choices ... but I eventually found enough evidence that he had been drinking far more than he had revealed... and realized he had been driving around impaired with our kids and lying about it... and that was the deal breaker ...I mustered up all my courage, presented him with the facts ... and told him he was an alcoholic, and I would tolerate absolutely no more drinking if he wished to continue to live under the same roof with his family. It wasn't easy, but it was the beginning of me learning to trust my judgment, to set boundaries and to try to reclaim sanity within our home ... my kids didn't deserve to live with the constant turmoil ..the locked doors, the yelling, the driving around ...just to get away from him- it was his turn to leave.

You have recognized the patterns and cycles... that is a step in the right direction. Continue to read and learn ... this knowledge with help give you the information you need to reclaim your life ...and you and your daughter's serenity.

hope3

Hi, mama, there is some good information in the stickies

obove, one is called about recovery.

Also, there is some pretty good info at this site, niaaa.

this is a sample of some of the most frequently asked questions:

12. If an alcoholic is unwilling to get help, what can you do about it?

This can be a challenge. An alcoholic can't be forced to get help except under certain circumstances, such as a traffic violation dor arrest that results in court-ordered treatment. But you don't have to wait for someone to "hit rock bottom" to act. Many alcoholism treatment specialists suggest the following steps to help an alcoholic get treatment:

Here is their link, take care of you, hope3

http://www.niaaa.nih.gov/FAQs/Genera...fault.htm#help



Stop all "cover ups." Family members often make excuses to others or try to protect the alcoholic from the results of his or her drinking. It is important to stop covering for the alcoholic so that he or she experiences the full consequences of drinking.

Time your intervention. The best time to talk to the drinker is shortly after an alcohol-related problem has occurred--like a serious family argument or an accident. Choose a time when he or she is sober, both of you are fairly calm, and you have a chance to talk in private.

Be specific. Tell the family member that you are worried about his or her drinking. Use examples of the ways in which the drinking has caused problems, including the most recent incident.

State the results. Explain to the drinker what you will do if he or she doesn't go for help--not to punish the drinker, but to protect yourself from his or her problems. What you say may range from refusing to go with the person to any social activity where alcohol will be served, to moving out of the house. Do not make any threats you are not prepared to carry out.

Get help. Gather information in advance about treatment options in your community. If the person is willing to get help, call immediately for an appointment with a treatment counselor. Offer to go with the family member on the first visit to a treatment program and/or an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.

Call on a friend. If the family member still refuses to get help, ask a friend to talk with him or her using the steps just described. A friend who is a recovering alcoholic may be particularly persuasive, but any person who is caring and nonjudgmental may help. The intervention of more than one person, more than one time, is often necessary to coax an alcoholic to seek help.

Find strength in numbers. With the help of a health care professional, some families join with other relatives and friends to confront an alcoholic as a group. This approach should only be tried under the guidance of a health care professional who is experienced in this kind of group intervention.

Get support. It is important to remember that you are not alone. Support groups offered in most communities include Al-Anon, which holds regular meetings for spouses and other significant adults in an alcoholic's life, and Alateen, which is geared to children of alcoholics. These groups help family members understand that they are not responsible for an alcoholic's drinking and that they need to take steps to take care of themselves, regardless of whether the alcoholic family member chooses to get help. (See the question 19, "How can a person get help for an alcohol problem" for referral to support groups.)

You can call the National Drug and Alcohol Treatment Referral Routing Service (Center for Substance Abuse Treatment) at 1-800-662-HELP (4357) for information about treatment programs in your local community and to speak to someone about an alcohol problem.

Sunflower

Is there any reality in the word detachment?How do you explain it to someone ?
But I will say you know when you have achieved it
For me it was NO CONTACT--none-nothing-I left with my 2 year old and never looked back...I am amazed now when I look back how I ever even did this
..but like you I felt--if I can't leave him with our child-if I can't have sex with him-if I can't trust him-If I have to make up places to go/activities,with our child so I won't have to be home with him---it is over. It may be over for you and you just need the support to see it that way.
The few good times my ExAH and I had were not worth taking the bads times with.The pain-the abuse-the sufferring-humiliation-etc...
Think about your child(I know you are) you don't want them growing up in that type of environment.
You also deserve to have a life--with someone who loves and respects you.
If you are waiting for him to start helping you with the baby or housework--you have a long wait--most men don't do this much anyway.
You have a clear picture of what to expect-more of the same.
You do have choices.