Jewel

Hi Everyone

I've been to the Lake District for a few days, with my A. I am back home now and feeling a bit down, I've just been reading some of your posts, the gut feeling in particular I identified with.

The Lake District is a beautiful place and I worked hard to save the money to go. My A, complained about how much money it cost and said to me 'This isn't living' that really hurt me, I am just coming out of denial about his morphine addiction, and realised that the holiday didn't mean as much to him as it did to me.

He needed more morphine while we was there so took more, and that gut instinct was with me aswell, I just knew that we wern't right it didn't feel right. I watched couples holding hands and laughing together and it made me really sad. He was in his own world most of the time and did'nt bother talking to me. I felt so on my own.

I did enjoy the peace of the lakes and we had a lake view were we were staying so that were nice, I went for walkes on my own,
and we had our evening meals in our room. I knew he couldn't cope with being around people and I didn't feel brave enough to go out and eat alone.

On the other hand I didn't want to come home either, (confused )
My son as you know is a practising A, and he is here right now, downstairs as I am typing this. his unemployment benefit has been stopped and he is broke, the pressure is going to be on now he has no income at all, my partners business has run out of funds and he is looking for new investors. Gosh I am really looking forward to what's next. I do a part time job myself and try to bank the money to pay the bills and save a bit if I can, but I havn't got much.

I am staying out of the way of my son at the moment beacuse I really can't cope with him today, I just want him to go, doesn't that sound awful, but I have had enough of him. He is here because he wants something and saying no to him takes so much energy and guilt.

Thankyou all for being there

I'm off to Paris in a few weeks with my sisters, I am working extra hard to pay for it, putting in more hours at work, no one knows I'm going yet.
I might not come back.
Having a right moan (Sorry)
Lots of love Jewel

P.S. Please send me some of your hugs

Hangin' In

Oh, Jewel. C'mere and let me hug you.....

((((((((((((((((((((((((( Jewel))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Life just stinks sometimes, doesn't it? Big sigh.......

I'm right there with you, Jewel. I can identify with the feeling of wanting your son to go. Maybe you saw my post of my daughter who just up and moved out this weekend. It was sudden and we were so upset. But just last night I made the comment to my husband that my life is more peaceful when she isn't here. But then I have the concern in the back of my mind about where she is staying and how she is living. I say all that to tell you I KNOW how it is Jewel, dealing with a child A, and my heart hurts for you. Having them home isn't good. Having them away brings its problems.

But Jewel, I do know that you have the tools to make your life less 'stinky' and you are using them. I see it in your posts. Keep those plans for Paris and go! You know, as well as I, that you have to do the things that will keep you sane and going.

I'm proud of you Jewel and I'm so sorry you are having this down period. Just know I'm keeping you and your family in my prayers.

Love,

Hangin' In
P.S. (((((((((((((((((((((Jewel)))))))))))))))))))))))) ))))))
One can never hug too much....

JT

Jewel,

You sound exactly where you need to be right now. You said it yourself that you are coming out of denial. That is no small task and can be very disruptive emotionally. Your entire reality is changing. Be extra good to yourself. Take it easy and let it happen. This is not a time, in my opinion and experience to make any big decisions. Read, post and go to meetings if you can.

Hugs,
JT

lyn_blossom78

((((((((((((((Jewel))))))))))))))))

Sending more hugs. You sound like you have got a grip on this. So sorry for your hurting.

Lyn

margo

((((((((((((Jewel)))))))))))) Here's some hugs from me too. I'm glad to hear that you were able to enjoy your time away, even though you had some misgivings while there - it shows great progress that you didn't spend the whole time worrying about your A and that you got out and about for walks and such. It can be very intimidating to do things alone, but it becomes easier with practice.

JT hit the nail square on the head, Jewel. Coming out of denial is a huge thing. "Waking up" just started to happen to me recently, and it took me days to even begin to come to grips with it - it was like a shock to my system. Once you become aware of something, you can't go back, but you will continue to go forward. Take it one day at a time and be very, very kind to yourself, at this time especially.

Thinking of you!

Love and hugs.

Live

Paris!!!! wow, oh, wow! OH, have a beautiful time.

They don't need you there to help keep misery company!

I hope it is a great break for you and some fresh air and happy sunshine!!

Jewel

Thanks Guys

I am coming out of denial, and it is a shock to the system but it is far better than living with lies, at least I don't have to lie to myself anymore.

This forum has helped me face up to the truth, I havn't been able to talk about my partners morphine addiction in meetings, I needed straight talk.

Love you all loads

Jewel

Debbie

********{Jewel}}}}}

I am a little late here but just wanted to send you some hugs from me too!!

Take care.
Debbie