Drink Driving
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
Drink Driving
We have know about her drink driving for a while now. We have taken out batteries, disconnected leads, rang the police and just to get that bloody drink she'll drive. She rings her A mates and theyll fix it for her. I have begged her not to do it. What if she kills someone? Someone elses loved one. I hate knowing, I hate having this on my conscious. If i take the car I am stealing the police told me.....
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Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
What did the police suggest you do instead?
My ex would drink drive, and probably does. Nothing I did or said made any difference, so in the end I did only what was in my control. I would not let him drive my car and I would not let him drive me in any car.
The biggest problem was that he was a "top-up" drinker and it was rare that one could actually tell that he was over the limit. (After a while, I realised that it was probably safe to assume that he was all the time, given the amount of empties around the house/car). Had he been a stumbling drunk going out in his car, I would have had no qualms about phoning the police if I knew he was out on the roads.
My ex would drink drive, and probably does. Nothing I did or said made any difference, so in the end I did only what was in my control. I would not let him drive my car and I would not let him drive me in any car.
The biggest problem was that he was a "top-up" drinker and it was rare that one could actually tell that he was over the limit. (After a while, I realised that it was probably safe to assume that he was all the time, given the amount of empties around the house/car). Had he been a stumbling drunk going out in his car, I would have had no qualms about phoning the police if I knew he was out on the roads.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
That use to drive me insane...and it's not like it dosn't happen.
As a matter of fact someone did get killed by a dui in our area the very samenight and the cops showed up at our place.
I took her keys..and they went round and round saying
it wasn't against the law to get drunk...well la de freanken da.
I just told the cops she didn't have a right to kill anyone
and that was that. I kept the keys.
I use to take the main wire from the distributor or the ignition
fuse out..but that got old real quick...
There i go again, more extra crap i had to deal with and
the damn arguing that comes alone with it.
My bottom with that song and dance was when I freanken jumped
in front of her car thinking she would stop.
Hell...no..I rolled off the damn hood.
I grab the antenna and it sliced my freanken hand
and I freanken ran down the street bare footed in the
middle of the night casing after her..like a damn lonitic.
It was like a flash back because my ex-wife tried to run over my arss too. I just couldn't belive crap like that would happen
twice in a person life time.
Then I find her passed out in the car the next morning.
First I'm glad she's okay, then I check for dents on the
car and releave ...but then i just get so damn mad and tired
of it all. Don't know wheather to luagh or cry. I was basically
an emotional wreak..and off to work I go with one eye open.
Okay...people tell me to LET GO...
It took me another year to get to that point.
As a matter of fact someone did get killed by a dui in our area the very samenight and the cops showed up at our place.
I took her keys..and they went round and round saying
it wasn't against the law to get drunk...well la de freanken da.
I just told the cops she didn't have a right to kill anyone
and that was that. I kept the keys.
I use to take the main wire from the distributor or the ignition
fuse out..but that got old real quick...
There i go again, more extra crap i had to deal with and
the damn arguing that comes alone with it.
My bottom with that song and dance was when I freanken jumped
in front of her car thinking she would stop.
Hell...no..I rolled off the damn hood.
I grab the antenna and it sliced my freanken hand
and I freanken ran down the street bare footed in the
middle of the night casing after her..like a damn lonitic.
It was like a flash back because my ex-wife tried to run over my arss too. I just couldn't belive crap like that would happen
twice in a person life time.
Then I find her passed out in the car the next morning.
First I'm glad she's okay, then I check for dents on the
car and releave ...but then i just get so damn mad and tired
of it all. Don't know wheather to luagh or cry. I was basically
an emotional wreak..and off to work I go with one eye open.
Okay...people tell me to LET GO...
It took me another year to get to that point.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
911. Each and everytime she drives after drinking report it. Short of knocking her out, it's all you can do but it is an important thing to do. When and if she hurts herself or someone else, you will always look back knowing you did the responsible thing. We stretch our boundaries when they simply will not comply. The burden of the clean up is not yours nor should you try to stop her. The police are beter equiped to deal with a drunk driver. You can't stop her.
Before she was out of the door yard, I'd be calling.
Before she was out of the door yard, I'd be calling.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I'm with Mallow. You can't stop her. I almost got myself ran over trying to stop AH from leaving once. I think he would have killed me. But I've questioned so many times my responsibility in this if he hurts someone else.
But I try to apply what I've learned to this situation, too....
For example,
I didn't cause him to drink so I'm not responsible for what happens while he is drinking.
Call the police and make your burden theirs...
But I try to apply what I've learned to this situation, too....
For example,
I didn't cause him to drink so I'm not responsible for what happens while he is drinking.
Call the police and make your burden theirs...
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Lost in NC
Posts: 416
The most important thing is to make sure you decrease your liability if there is an accident. If the car is registered to you, get it out of your name. If you are on the loan, get of it. This may require selling the vehicle. (Problem solved!) Then if you are involved with the insurance company and the policy is in your name, don't drop the coverage, but transfer to their name.
Talk to a lawyer about what other steps you can do to protect your liability.
The cops will pick her up in time.....you could help them out by if you see her leave drunk. Call it in with the desciption, license number, where she was going.
Talk to a lawyer about what other steps you can do to protect your liability.
The cops will pick her up in time.....you could help them out by if you see her leave drunk. Call it in with the desciption, license number, where she was going.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Posts: 413
This has been discussed before. I think Ive even started a thread or two myself. So Im sure this is old news to some of you but I think its worth repeating for the newbies. Mine is working on a long stretch in the pokey for vehicular homicide so I do speak from experience.
According to the attornies aka weasels in suits theres not a lot of legal things you can do to keep them from driving THEIR car. About all you can do is keep reporting them. YOUR car is another matter. Please be aware that if you let them drive your car you are legally responsible for anything that happens. According to the law you knew they were a danger and you let them drive so its on your head. And his victims relatives will sue you. Trust me I know. Saying you refused permission after the fact is not enough. You have to prove it by reporting it stolen BEFORE something happens.
You are not responsible for his actions but if anything happens they will still come after anything that is in both your names like your house. So get everything that you can put in yor name except for cars and other vehicles that he drives. You need to separate yourself totally from him financially today.
According to the attornies aka weasels in suits theres not a lot of legal things you can do to keep them from driving THEIR car. About all you can do is keep reporting them. YOUR car is another matter. Please be aware that if you let them drive your car you are legally responsible for anything that happens. According to the law you knew they were a danger and you let them drive so its on your head. And his victims relatives will sue you. Trust me I know. Saying you refused permission after the fact is not enough. You have to prove it by reporting it stolen BEFORE something happens.
You are not responsible for his actions but if anything happens they will still come after anything that is in both your names like your house. So get everything that you can put in yor name except for cars and other vehicles that he drives. You need to separate yourself totally from him financially today.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2005
Location: Texas
Posts: 782
I used to fight him for keys or try to hurl myself in front of him on the way out. It's weird how things slowly change. By the end, I wouldn't even bat an eye when he stumbled out the door heading for the car. How terrible. What if he'd hurt someone? That's where I think I detached in the "wrong way." I just got so tired of fighting everything and accomplishing nothing that I stopped feeling and let it all just happen.
Yes, there has to be a balance.
Yes, there has to be a balance.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Lots of good information here. As you can tell it is complicated situation to say the least. It takes us a while to find out how insanely obsessed the alcoholic is with driving ... and that nothing can stop them.. short of being in jail.
My husband was pulled over last year for driving erratically the first time in 30 years ... ironically, he was coming back from an AA meeting and he was actually sober!! He had been trying to use a cell phone to call me when he was pulled over. However, the officers were disturbed as his pupils didn't constrict properly (due to previous alcohol related nerve damage) and he couldn't walk a straight line or stand on one foot due to knee surgeries... so I was called to come pick him up and the officer handed me his license and told me not to let him drive until his vision improved. My husband was embarrassed and humbled that evening. However, by the next morning when I picked him up for work, he had already been drinking considerably ... and demanded that I give him his license back ... and his car keys that I had in my possession. I refused for many reasons ... and he went berserk for hours... literally chasing me around our house trying to grab his keys then hiding my purse so I couldn't leave ... sick shocking behavior. I thought I had seen it all ... but even irrational obsession with driving was a surprise. It completely terrified him to be without access to alcohol....and his "booze-mobile".
One disturbing fact about calling and reporting a spouse that has been drinking...it will have an enormous financial impact on your family's finances. As might be expected, the alcoholic just blows it all off in an alcohol induced stupor ... but the family is left with many thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees, court fees, and eventually significant increases in car insurance. So your reward for trying to protect others, is to be stuck with close to $9000 in bills just for a first time offense - more if it is a second and third offense. I was in tears realizing that this money would have to come from precious funds needed for college and braces for our kids. As always, it is the family that ultimately pays the price for the reckless behavior of their alcoholic spouses. This doesn't even begin to address what might happen to finances if they lose their job over it. Having $9000 come out of the family finances is a huge deterrent to reporting them. They need to find better ways of punishing those addicted rather than inflicting financial punishment on their families. If I thought he could have spent the time in jail .. and skip all the financial costs ... I would have reported him myself years ago.
My husband was pulled over last year for driving erratically the first time in 30 years ... ironically, he was coming back from an AA meeting and he was actually sober!! He had been trying to use a cell phone to call me when he was pulled over. However, the officers were disturbed as his pupils didn't constrict properly (due to previous alcohol related nerve damage) and he couldn't walk a straight line or stand on one foot due to knee surgeries... so I was called to come pick him up and the officer handed me his license and told me not to let him drive until his vision improved. My husband was embarrassed and humbled that evening. However, by the next morning when I picked him up for work, he had already been drinking considerably ... and demanded that I give him his license back ... and his car keys that I had in my possession. I refused for many reasons ... and he went berserk for hours... literally chasing me around our house trying to grab his keys then hiding my purse so I couldn't leave ... sick shocking behavior. I thought I had seen it all ... but even irrational obsession with driving was a surprise. It completely terrified him to be without access to alcohol....and his "booze-mobile".
One disturbing fact about calling and reporting a spouse that has been drinking...it will have an enormous financial impact on your family's finances. As might be expected, the alcoholic just blows it all off in an alcohol induced stupor ... but the family is left with many thousands of dollars in lawyer's fees, court fees, and eventually significant increases in car insurance. So your reward for trying to protect others, is to be stuck with close to $9000 in bills just for a first time offense - more if it is a second and third offense. I was in tears realizing that this money would have to come from precious funds needed for college and braces for our kids. As always, it is the family that ultimately pays the price for the reckless behavior of their alcoholic spouses. This doesn't even begin to address what might happen to finances if they lose their job over it. Having $9000 come out of the family finances is a huge deterrent to reporting them. They need to find better ways of punishing those addicted rather than inflicting financial punishment on their families. If I thought he could have spent the time in jail .. and skip all the financial costs ... I would have reported him myself years ago.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
SeekingWisdom - that last point you made is such a good one. I used to threaten my partner with calling the police but he knew I was bluffing. I don't drive. So if the police caught him, we would lose are only form of transportation, he would lose his way to work, we would be in huge debt. I wish there was someone you could call who would just throw them in jail for the night or something and return the car to the family.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
Well ..that was issue. The police didn't arrest her that night.
Taking her to jail wasn't going to solve her problem. It would
only cuase more burden on everybody...they probably already
know...being a damn codi as i am. I'll go and bail her out.
It wasn't the first time the cops came for a visit.
The insanity of it all.
Taking her to jail wasn't going to solve her problem. It would
only cuase more burden on everybody...they probably already
know...being a damn codi as i am. I'll go and bail her out.
It wasn't the first time the cops came for a visit.
The insanity of it all.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
true--I would bail them out as well--looks like they are from Australia--maybe different laws?
Never ever threaten an alcoholic--you never know what the reply will be-verbal or physical--face it they don't hear us anyway or care when they are drinking.JUST DO IT---second they get in the car dial 911.If its your car==report it as stolen
take them off the insurance stat.
Just keep calling the cops if it is her car--that won't stop her from drinking-
she will find a ride
or walk
amazing what they will do when they need a drink!
Never ever threaten an alcoholic--you never know what the reply will be-verbal or physical--face it they don't hear us anyway or care when they are drinking.JUST DO IT---second they get in the car dial 911.If its your car==report it as stolen
take them off the insurance stat.
Just keep calling the cops if it is her car--that won't stop her from drinking-
she will find a ride
or walk
amazing what they will do when they need a drink!
Becoming a Butterfly
Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 904
Now that I look back a main reason why I divorce exAH was the drinking and driving thing. He did it all the time. In fact, talk about obsession, I once told him I'd take him to get more beer cause he was too drunk to drive. While I went to get my shoes he jumped into the truck and drove off. I mean, WTF?
I felt sure he would kill someone or himself sooner or later. He did get DWI #3 after we split up. His lawyer thinks he'll be able to keep him out of jail, but he's not sure. He blew a 2.0. He's been driving drunk for 20 years at least.
I felt sure he would kill someone or himself sooner or later. He did get DWI #3 after we split up. His lawyer thinks he'll be able to keep him out of jail, but he's not sure. He blew a 2.0. He's been driving drunk for 20 years at least.
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
I drove all the time for my AH. I begged to drive. I pleaded to let me take him.
I've hid keys (even lost a set once), I've bought it for him. I've spent hours keeping a watch out to make sure he didn't leave.
And usually cried the entire time I was doing it all.
How pathetic am I???
I've hid keys (even lost a set once), I've bought it for him. I've spent hours keeping a watch out to make sure he didn't leave.
And usually cried the entire time I was doing it all.
How pathetic am I???
Sunny Side Up
Thread Starter
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Sth Australia
Posts: 3,802
I am feeling sick today just thinking of what may lie ahead for my sister or someone else on the road. The problem is I dont live with her. Both of the kids, hubby have moved out now too (cant put up with anymore) Shes living on her own now, only for one week.
Yes in Australia, the police here can only look out for her (rego number) and they have to catch her in the act. The car is registered in her name. One night I got the police there, they talked to her and because she hadnt started the car up yet, they couldnt do anything. I begged them to take her away, but officially she hadnt done anything wrong and they assessed her on the spot (not suicidal they said) nothing they can legally do.
We have been through what most of you have described. Somethings I cant even get myself to tell you. It was horrible trying to stop her driving that car. Her kids would call me hysterical to go and help them...... cant go there anymore..
I know it is out of my control but if someone gets hurt or killed I might wonder if I have done everything I can to stop her. I would like to take the car away but it is stealing the police tell me.
Yes in Australia, the police here can only look out for her (rego number) and they have to catch her in the act. The car is registered in her name. One night I got the police there, they talked to her and because she hadnt started the car up yet, they couldnt do anything. I begged them to take her away, but officially she hadnt done anything wrong and they assessed her on the spot (not suicidal they said) nothing they can legally do.
We have been through what most of you have described. Somethings I cant even get myself to tell you. It was horrible trying to stop her driving that car. Her kids would call me hysterical to go and help them...... cant go there anymore..
I know it is out of my control but if someone gets hurt or killed I might wonder if I have done everything I can to stop her. I would like to take the car away but it is stealing the police tell me.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
It got to the point where it was just driving me out of my mind.
My gf and I seperated as well.
The only thing I could do was pray for her and trun her over
I'm not a religious..but it got to that piont.
I was going out of mind wondering, worring and obsessing.
I had to do it five minutes at a time at first, but i pray for her
everyday and let go.
It was the only way i could function and go to work.
I just did what was in front of me and try not to let my mind driff.
My gf and I seperated as well.
The only thing I could do was pray for her and trun her over
I'm not a religious..but it got to that piont.
I was going out of mind wondering, worring and obsessing.
I had to do it five minutes at a time at first, but i pray for her
everyday and let go.
It was the only way i could function and go to work.
I just did what was in front of me and try not to let my mind driff.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
satit, you said they didn't arrest her because arresting her wouldn't solve her problem. That's a little upsetting because arresting isn't about solving her problem, it's about keeping innocent people safe from a drunk person determined to drive.
If she hit me and I found out she had been stopped earlier but wasn't arrested and the reason was that the police didn't think it would solve her problem, I's sue them.
If she hit me and I found out she had been stopped earlier but wasn't arrested and the reason was that the police didn't think it would solve her problem, I's sue them.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I had the keys in my pocket...
You know you're a codi..when the alki calls the cops on ya.
Well..yeah..If that was me drunk, they would had arrested
my arss no questions ask.
1 year before...
It was a bit upseting for me when she kicked my out of my
own home...It's a woman's thing. She cried her crack of
crap tears in front of the judge. You can google up abussive
women..she played it to the key..the court system too and all
that good stuff.
As I mentioned it wasn't the first time
the cops came over. And she is a government worker
and visit the court house often. Basically I knew she was
alki from the day in and day out behind closed doors.
She put on a front during the day.
I live in a community of only 35,000.
she knew where I work , my e-mail , my phone #
where I moved to. I let her back into my life.
It got worst and worst. All of the stage of a person
hitting bottom...right down to the the suicide threats.
and all the wreakage the came with it.
I wish for no one to live through it. I felt like I was
going out of my mind. I don't belive being codependent
is fun. I made alot of mistakes and it took everything
out of me...I can't even imagian what I person must
had lived throught to be living with a drunk or alki
for 20 years. it took a toll on me just within 3 years.
However I'm a recovering alcoholic, I came into recovery
at a very young age @ 22. I had almost 12 years clean
and sober...I relapsed for 2 weeks..becuase all the crap
drove me out of my mind. And my motive for relapsing
was becuase she told me if I ever got drunk...she would
leave me...that didn't work. By grace I was able to get
sober again . The progression and complusion came
back after 12 years of being sober, my body became
sicker than when I was drinking in my youth...
that's my experince. And a lot of people in recovery or AA don't
understand it. It seldom happens that a person cames
back after getting drunk again within a week or so..
I was bascailly headed into the abyess again.
I'm like a freak, freak of nature or a walking, living miracle.
I belive it's becuase i also have a lot of program under my
belt.
I'm able to seperate the disease of alcoholism from the
person much quicker, when it comes to dealing with my
girl friend. PLus before our lives went hay wire we were
both working our own program..We just both became
complacent, becuase life got better and better
As far is my codi issues...I'm a babie.
I basically work the 12 steps from being a codi using
the same principles.
Basically I put my mother through the same heartaches
when i was drinking and driving when I was young.
I baically wreack every automobile I've own until
I sober up and went to AA.
Payback is a B....
You know you're a codi..when the alki calls the cops on ya.
Well..yeah..If that was me drunk, they would had arrested
my arss no questions ask.
1 year before...
It was a bit upseting for me when she kicked my out of my
own home...It's a woman's thing. She cried her crack of
crap tears in front of the judge. You can google up abussive
women..she played it to the key..the court system too and all
that good stuff.
As I mentioned it wasn't the first time
the cops came over. And she is a government worker
and visit the court house often. Basically I knew she was
alki from the day in and day out behind closed doors.
She put on a front during the day.
I live in a community of only 35,000.
she knew where I work , my e-mail , my phone #
where I moved to. I let her back into my life.
It got worst and worst. All of the stage of a person
hitting bottom...right down to the the suicide threats.
and all the wreakage the came with it.
I wish for no one to live through it. I felt like I was
going out of my mind. I don't belive being codependent
is fun. I made alot of mistakes and it took everything
out of me...I can't even imagian what I person must
had lived throught to be living with a drunk or alki
for 20 years. it took a toll on me just within 3 years.
However I'm a recovering alcoholic, I came into recovery
at a very young age @ 22. I had almost 12 years clean
and sober...I relapsed for 2 weeks..becuase all the crap
drove me out of my mind. And my motive for relapsing
was becuase she told me if I ever got drunk...she would
leave me...that didn't work. By grace I was able to get
sober again . The progression and complusion came
back after 12 years of being sober, my body became
sicker than when I was drinking in my youth...
that's my experince. And a lot of people in recovery or AA don't
understand it. It seldom happens that a person cames
back after getting drunk again within a week or so..
I was bascailly headed into the abyess again.
I'm like a freak, freak of nature or a walking, living miracle.
I belive it's becuase i also have a lot of program under my
belt.
I'm able to seperate the disease of alcoholism from the
person much quicker, when it comes to dealing with my
girl friend. PLus before our lives went hay wire we were
both working our own program..We just both became
complacent, becuase life got better and better
As far is my codi issues...I'm a babie.
I basically work the 12 steps from being a codi using
the same principles.
Basically I put my mother through the same heartaches
when i was drinking and driving when I was young.
I baically wreack every automobile I've own until
I sober up and went to AA.
Payback is a B....
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