venusinlibra

I am really struggling. My ABF moved into a sober house two days ago, left me with all the bills, and his stuff is still here. He says he doesn't want to lose me, wants us to both work our programs, so we can be together. This is all after a rollercoaster ride this week of verbal and emotional abuse.

One side of me is relieved he is gone, the other is sad and angry. He calls me everyday, but when I ask when we will see each other, or go to a meeting together, he says he is not sure...soon. Says he is busy, etc. At the same time, he is going to meetings, working, etc. but NOT helping me with our bills.

I am thinking about putting his stuff in storage. After he calls, I just feel worse not better. All of this is on his terms, when he feels like it, etc. Right now, I just want to walk away. I feel used and manipulated. Is this just a phase they go through, or this the long road of detachment but he is too much of a wuss just to completely move out.

I asked for it, he did it, and now it feels weird. I am going to meetings and stuff...but I am just tired of all this stuff.

Any suggestions, or sharing of experiences.

SaTiT

I wouldn't recommend talking to him for a while.
He's detoxing and probably just blurring out things
still on the selfish, self absorb, self will run riot...

Peace is good...
Please get help and support for yourself. Try face to face meetings.
Al-anon or CoDA.

Well..make it on your terms, your decisions..
A little guilt floating around ?
"screw guilt".....that's a recovering codi slogon.

prodigal

... because you ARE being used and manipulated. Lived there, been there, done that, allowed it to happen to me. Stinks, doesn't it? It IS on their terms. They lie, deceive, cheat, steal, betray .... whatever.

So, you are in the position to make a major life decision, and it can be for the better. Aside from whether or not he detaches, you have to decide if that is what you want to do. Of course you're tired .... imagine all the anger, frustration, etc., you are stuffing down in order to meet HIS terms. Now that is really harming yourself and not him.

You are just exhibiting the following symptoms: you are sick and tired of being sick and tired.

venusinlibra

Yes, I feel like a fool. He is not the least bit concerned that I am struggling with the bills and he is to cheap to get a storage facility. He calls me everynight says he loves me, he misses me, etc. I am not sure why? I guess he wants to test the waters in the sober house, see what's out there, without losing me. He wants to keep his stuff here so it is easy to come back. If the stuff is out, it makes it really hard to come back. I am going to meetings, I was doing so well today, and his call just sucked me back into the dark hole. How long did it take you guys to feel okay again? Weeks or months?

minnie

If the bills are joint bills from before he moved out, then he is responsible for 50% of them. Period.

If he has moved out and you don't want his stuff there, why not tell him that if he doesn't move his stuff within x days, then you will leave it on the sidewalk/sell it/put it in storage in his name/put it in the trash?

And yes, it would be useful to bear in mind that there is often an "orang-utan" scenario with alcoholics, recovering or not. i.e. they keep hold of the old branch until they know they have a grip on the new one. Keeps the options open in case they want to go back to the old life.

It took me a long time to feel OK. But that process sped up the more I learned about me as well as looking at actions, rather than listening to words. Mine as well as his.

Hope you stick around - there's great support here.

minnie

I should add something here. I know I advocate seperation frequently on these boards. However, please understand that I don't suggest it as a permanent option. However, I firmly believe that it is only when we are able to stand back and regroup that we can disentangle ourselves from the unhealthy enmeshment and become our own person (and allow our partners to do the same) and then explore whether a relationship between two whole people is possible and desireable. The notion of people being two halves making a whole when they come together is a myth.

SaTiT

There wasn't really a time limit.
However i did google up on long term relationships break up and use that
as a guide line...I'm a guy and guys are clueless..lol

It helped me a great deal. it gave me sometype of a guidline I can try to
follow and the stages I was to encounter...so i didn't totally trip,
even if i did felt like I was feeling a little bit crazy at times with all
the damn emotional roller coaster.

I basically had to grieve. As bad as it got...I love my gf very much.
All of my hopes and dreams of what i thoguht we had was gone.
It was a lost..I've lost someone in my life to addiction.
It was a bit tough becuase i was a guy..I held it in as long as i could.
oh well...nobody was home with me...so i finally broke down and cried.

venusinlibra

We have been together two years, but we have known each other for several. It just feels weird, I feel like I am talking to a different person everyday. I feel if he REALLY loved me, he would move his stuff out, and we could still try to work on the relationship. I feel all the positive changes he is making he shares only with others, with me I only get all the "crap" of responsibilities, when he is miserable, etc. I only get the bad stuff...like I am a Mom.

I wish I could get some balls...and just finalize it myself. The only problem, I wonder if I am a little more patient, that it will work out and we can be together. I want to believe what he says, sometimes it seems like he is repeating what his sponsor says, and the other part of me says he is an addict and full of baloney.

dollydo

How about no contact for awhile, seems like talking to him is not helping you. He will survive if you turn that phone off.

You don't have to live together to have a relationship. If it works out for him, lets say in a year, you and he can re-evalute your relationship. There is no rush.

mallowcup

I think sometimes we confuse the degree of love we think we feel by the degreee of pain and near constant heartache they cause us. We feel something intense.
We say, I love them soooo much. In truth they make us absolutely miserable, our lives are consumed with them. No matter what we do or how hard we try, they keep us at an arms length. Whatever you are, it's never quite good enough.
They seduce us, hook us, pull us almost all the way in and then just drag us behind the boat.
Our feelings can be very intense. They can make you sob your guts out, every emtion is magnified. With that we think it's love, we get it jumbled up in our head and our thinking becomes perverted.
The heat of make up sex doesn't measure love, it measures the degree someone is messed up. Violent fights followed by near violent sex do not measure love, it measures intensity. Intensity can be bad.
We think that no one else has ever made us love with such intensity, so this bad relationship becomes the measure.
We don't comliment each other like peanut butter and jelly, we comnpliment each other like a hammer and a rock.
Love is kind, it is protective, it delights, it gives, love is the first stop not the last, love is the first call you make, love is what you rush to, love builds a home, love makes you smile.
Love doesn't stink. Not being loved stinks.
Love is easy not hard, being loved gives you peace.
Alcoholics have a really weird idea of what love is, what foreplay is.
It's almost embarrassing.

Mr. Christian

Detaching has to be the most important thing to do.

Was it easy? NO!
Nat at all. I guess the one thing that worked for me was my program through Leann.

I got busy; I worked with others, did my thing, and got a life.
Something so hard got to be so easy when I took back my life.

I say it’s important because when doing this we get a chance to look back at relationship and realize that we really do not have to live that way.
It doesn’t matter if they are husband, wife, parents or children.
When we detach and get our own life it also affords them the respect and the dignity to take on their own.

We are then out of the equation and this takes on simpler approach for us.

venusinlibra

Yes, this is true. One of my Alanon buddies recommended 90 meetings in 90 days. At first I thought, are you kidding? Now maybe she is right. She said it changes your way of thinking, each day becomes easier, etc. Today I will focus on detachment. Thanks for being supportive. Keep the words of encouragement coming.

hope3

Hi, theres a great sticky called about recovery

at the top of the family and friends of alcoholics, this thread is about

detaching, best wishes, hope3

http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html

Sunflower

All good advice here for you--nothing to add except-I am sorry for your trouble and pain-Stay Strong....

venusinlibra

Today, I set boundaries with him. He has been using an extra car I have, while he is the sober house. I told him I need it returned in one week, he either needs to take the bus, or borrow someone else's. It felt good to set a boundary and each day gets a little easier. Thanks for your support.

denny57

Fantastic!

parentrecovers

you cannot cure or control it, venus. good job on getting the car back. blessings, k

cagefree

Holy Truth Batman!

You just described my 3 year relationship with my XABF. It's one thing to know it in my head. It's another to hear it put so simply by a stranger (well, not too strange ).