How, exactly, do you detach?
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Hello,
Working on yourself and how all this has affected you is the 1st part of detaching.
Alanon will help with this.
I really don’t think you sound angry as much as disappointed at what has happened. I mean really, who could have thought of the vows in marriage to live with this?
I also think finding a therapist that is familiar with program is a good idea.
I was never a fan with substituting one drug for another.
So there is many ways of looking at this.
Keep reading, learning and spend some time in some meetings.
Working on yourself and how all this has affected you is the 1st part of detaching.
Alanon will help with this.
I really don’t think you sound angry as much as disappointed at what has happened. I mean really, who could have thought of the vows in marriage to live with this?
I also think finding a therapist that is familiar with program is a good idea.
I was never a fan with substituting one drug for another.
So there is many ways of looking at this.
Keep reading, learning and spend some time in some meetings.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
rock-hardplace
I read your post and you could be me. Except my daughter us only 15 months old. I really feel for you. I am new to this too. I am trying to figure out how to detatch and sometimes I think I get it but sometimes I don't. Like today. I am going to start a new thread to write about it cause I don't want to hijack yours but know that I feel you, mama . ..
I read your post and you could be me. Except my daughter us only 15 months old. I really feel for you. I am new to this too. I am trying to figure out how to detatch and sometimes I think I get it but sometimes I don't. Like today. I am going to start a new thread to write about it cause I don't want to hijack yours but know that I feel you, mama . ..
Hope3
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Upstate, NY
Posts: 2,155
Hi rock-hardplace, theres a great sticky called about recovery
at the top of the family and friends of alcoholics, this thread is about
detaching, best wishes, hope3
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
at the top of the family and friends of alcoholics, this thread is about
detaching, best wishes, hope3
http://soberrecovery.com/forums/frie...detaching.html
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Northwest
Posts: 23
Well, I did that Al-Anon self test thing, and I think I could only answer yes to 2, maybe 3 things. A few months ago it was WAY worse but I've majorly chilled out since then - given up, more like it.
You know, if he was abusive or violent, it would make thing so much easier - I'd be out (or kick him out) in a flash, because I would have that against him. But he just passes out and sleeps all night (getting up occasionally to sleepwalk and rifle through the fridge or try and find the bathroom). So it sounds kinda pathetic to say 'I'm leaving you because you drink and pass out!', not 'because you treat me like crap and call me names'.
He wanted to talk about last night this morning but I didn't want to. He kept trying to hug me and say he loves me and ask if I loved him and all that manipulative bs. I told him I didn't know. He wouldn't leave it alone until I said, fine, I love you, but that's not the issue. He (sarcastically) said I was perfect and how he wished he was as perfect as me but I didn't rise to the bait. I was calm, cool, collected and totally fine with everything. He kept trying to grope me (ew) and I said that I wasn't going there - I didn't trust him and didn't feel comfortable. He said, and I quote, 'so what you're saying is, I won't be getting any.' Duh!
He came with us to take my DD to her class this morning. Then we went for groceries. He was the model of good behaviour - involved, talkative. I wasn't rude - I was polite and friendly but also kept my distance.
We came home and he napped for two hours. Then went to the garage to do a work out for an hour. Now? He's apparently at an AA friend's house watching the hockey game. So I haven't spent an evening with him since Thursday (passed out early Friday and at 4pm yesterday, where he didn't wake up until 4am upon which he woke me up rudely and said he couldn't sleep. I WAS SLEEPING! Geez!).
Do I believe he's at this house? Not really. He mentioned Friday that a guy at work who owns a bar was having a get together at the bar. He wanted to go. He apparently told them he doesn't drink. Then yesterday, after his meeting, he said he was invited to this guy's place and that under the circumstances, felt he should go there instead of the bar. Either way, I don't care.
It is awfully lonely though. It just sucks that he's pretty good on sober days (give or take a bad moody day) and when he drinks, he just passes out. Like I said, I'm giving it some time because I really don't want to upset my DD's life here in this house (that we just bought in January).
I realize he has to get out more (as per his therapist and dealing with the depression) but he's been working out almost every night for an hour, or he'll go for a hike after work sometimes, and now he's out tonight (he asked if it was okay and I said it was up to him - not my decision to make for him). I don't mind, really - it's nice not having him here. But again, it just seems like it's all about HIM. First when he was fighting the drinking - all about HIM. Now that he's in supposed recovery - all about HIM. Of course, he denies it and says it's all about ME, that he's doing it all for me. Um no, he's doing it for himself. But I'm sick of everything having to revolve around him. I'm doing my own thing - working out, writing, spending time with our DD, but if he's not going to participate in this family, I'd rather just go it alone. I feel that way anyhow. But I also don't want to give up my house quite yet. And so I sit in limbo for a couple months and see where it leads. Like I said, if it was abuse (I grew up in an abusive household), I'd be outta here but he's actually pretty harmless. Hurting himself more than anyone else.
Anyways, thanks for listening. I love reading your comments - so much support out there.
You know, if he was abusive or violent, it would make thing so much easier - I'd be out (or kick him out) in a flash, because I would have that against him. But he just passes out and sleeps all night (getting up occasionally to sleepwalk and rifle through the fridge or try and find the bathroom). So it sounds kinda pathetic to say 'I'm leaving you because you drink and pass out!', not 'because you treat me like crap and call me names'.
He wanted to talk about last night this morning but I didn't want to. He kept trying to hug me and say he loves me and ask if I loved him and all that manipulative bs. I told him I didn't know. He wouldn't leave it alone until I said, fine, I love you, but that's not the issue. He (sarcastically) said I was perfect and how he wished he was as perfect as me but I didn't rise to the bait. I was calm, cool, collected and totally fine with everything. He kept trying to grope me (ew) and I said that I wasn't going there - I didn't trust him and didn't feel comfortable. He said, and I quote, 'so what you're saying is, I won't be getting any.' Duh!
He came with us to take my DD to her class this morning. Then we went for groceries. He was the model of good behaviour - involved, talkative. I wasn't rude - I was polite and friendly but also kept my distance.
We came home and he napped for two hours. Then went to the garage to do a work out for an hour. Now? He's apparently at an AA friend's house watching the hockey game. So I haven't spent an evening with him since Thursday (passed out early Friday and at 4pm yesterday, where he didn't wake up until 4am upon which he woke me up rudely and said he couldn't sleep. I WAS SLEEPING! Geez!).
Do I believe he's at this house? Not really. He mentioned Friday that a guy at work who owns a bar was having a get together at the bar. He wanted to go. He apparently told them he doesn't drink. Then yesterday, after his meeting, he said he was invited to this guy's place and that under the circumstances, felt he should go there instead of the bar. Either way, I don't care.
It is awfully lonely though. It just sucks that he's pretty good on sober days (give or take a bad moody day) and when he drinks, he just passes out. Like I said, I'm giving it some time because I really don't want to upset my DD's life here in this house (that we just bought in January).
I realize he has to get out more (as per his therapist and dealing with the depression) but he's been working out almost every night for an hour, or he'll go for a hike after work sometimes, and now he's out tonight (he asked if it was okay and I said it was up to him - not my decision to make for him). I don't mind, really - it's nice not having him here. But again, it just seems like it's all about HIM. First when he was fighting the drinking - all about HIM. Now that he's in supposed recovery - all about HIM. Of course, he denies it and says it's all about ME, that he's doing it all for me. Um no, he's doing it for himself. But I'm sick of everything having to revolve around him. I'm doing my own thing - working out, writing, spending time with our DD, but if he's not going to participate in this family, I'd rather just go it alone. I feel that way anyhow. But I also don't want to give up my house quite yet. And so I sit in limbo for a couple months and see where it leads. Like I said, if it was abuse (I grew up in an abusive household), I'd be outta here but he's actually pretty harmless. Hurting himself more than anyone else.
Anyways, thanks for listening. I love reading your comments - so much support out there.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
It IS all about him; even whether you stay or go is up to him. When you say "So it sounds kinda pathetic to say 'I'm leaving you because you drink and pass out!', not 'because you treat me like crap and call me names'," why is that pathetic? Why isn't your wanting a life that doesn't include your partner drinking and passing out not enough for YOU?
These were the questions I asked myself, stumped myself and then did something about them. It was my choice all along, I just didn't know it.
These were the questions I asked myself, stumped myself and then did something about them. It was my choice all along, I just didn't know it.
Recovering Nicely
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
I'm no expert here, but my AH is a sweetheart, mushy, always tells me he loves me, etc. and he's also a binge drinker. It is harder on us than having a daily drinker, but you know what, if you just accept the fact that he is never going to change, never going to stop binge drinking and kind of learn the patterns to when he does go on his binges, and detach at that time and for that time, life does get easier. When my AH is sober, we get along wonderfully. Even when he's on a binge, he's not a bad person, but my boundary is to go to the den, drink all day and night, as long as you want, just don't come near me. If the only thing my AH does wrong is drink too much, too often, and the only person he is hurting is himself (most of the time because I detach), I figure just let him be and I will try to stick it out till the end (sometimes easier said than done) because I do love him. And believe me, there was a time last year where I was so upset by this all and really didn't think I loved him. I decided to get therapy and come here, and try and stick it out, and so far, I don't regret my decision.
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