Do I have to split with hubby
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 74
Do I have to split with hubby
to actually detach? we currently live seperatly but we still are linked finanically and we still see each other, I do my thing and he does his thing which includes frequent replapses, I am tryign to look after myself but as we are still linked its hard to cut all ties, I dont want to give up all hope but do I have to split to detach competley? hes back in hospital again and I didnt stay I went to work and I think he thinks I was a bit mean but I just couldnt stay and be false as I have before?
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Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
No you don't have to leave to detach. I live at home and I'll tell you the conclusions I came to. For a long time, I thought I had to either stay and live with it or go and start over. People wondered why I didn't go probably, but this is my home, I made it a home and leaving would mean leaving more than just him. Yes, you can start over but you can start over right in your own house. You can move to a new location but if you don't change what's in your head, you haven't really moved at all.
I wanted to stay but not be so effected by his drinking. That's really what I untimately wanted.
I have done alot of reading from all kinds of sources, I came here, and I have developed my convictions.
I did have one defining thought that was, I realized I was becoming a culmination of the worst things that have ever happened to me, I was most effected by the biggest jerks in my life and I decided that had to change.
I changed my mind which changed my ability to detach.
I refuse to become a nay saying nonbeliever. I refused to be nothing more than a reactionary.
Boundaries, conviction, honesty, and a continued effort to be who I am determined to be keeps me motivated.
You don't have to hang out with rocket scientists to get started toward good mental health. Do some reading, start a garden, make your statements to this world about who you are in verbal and nonverbal ways.
You have the ability to create beauty and comfort. You have the ability to leave every single contact you make today feeling better in some way. That is important.
This is my home, I'm not leaving it unless I want to. You don't have to either.
Your relationship has been on his terms so far. You can have him in your life to any degree that you feel comfortable. Your terms can be reasonable and he can quickly learn that he will be welcomed or rejected on your comfort levels.
I wanted to stay but not be so effected by his drinking. That's really what I untimately wanted.
I have done alot of reading from all kinds of sources, I came here, and I have developed my convictions.
I did have one defining thought that was, I realized I was becoming a culmination of the worst things that have ever happened to me, I was most effected by the biggest jerks in my life and I decided that had to change.
I changed my mind which changed my ability to detach.
I refuse to become a nay saying nonbeliever. I refused to be nothing more than a reactionary.
Boundaries, conviction, honesty, and a continued effort to be who I am determined to be keeps me motivated.
You don't have to hang out with rocket scientists to get started toward good mental health. Do some reading, start a garden, make your statements to this world about who you are in verbal and nonverbal ways.
You have the ability to create beauty and comfort. You have the ability to leave every single contact you make today feeling better in some way. That is important.
This is my home, I'm not leaving it unless I want to. You don't have to either.
Your relationship has been on his terms so far. You can have him in your life to any degree that you feel comfortable. Your terms can be reasonable and he can quickly learn that he will be welcomed or rejected on your comfort levels.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Not necessarily, although its generally helpful to not live with the person if someone is struggling with the detachment concept.
To detach means to break your emotional dependence on another person, without necessarily changing your physical proximity to that person. It's a way of building emotional space when don't have the physical space.
Al-anon teaches you can detach from he disease while still living together, co-paretning etc.
There are lots of other schools of thought on the issue. It really depends on the individual doing the detaching.
To me, a marriage is about intimacy, trust, respect, anbd love. I couldnt have those things with my ex after I detached. Thats just me though..many people can!
Sounds like you are already detaching!
To detach means to break your emotional dependence on another person, without necessarily changing your physical proximity to that person. It's a way of building emotional space when don't have the physical space.
Al-anon teaches you can detach from he disease while still living together, co-paretning etc.
There are lots of other schools of thought on the issue. It really depends on the individual doing the detaching.
To me, a marriage is about intimacy, trust, respect, anbd love. I couldnt have those things with my ex after I detached. Thats just me though..many people can!
Sounds like you are already detaching!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
Everyone's situation is so different, there is no one answer that will work for everyone. It sounds as if you have found an acceptable situation to maintain a relationship without being overwhelmed by it.
My husband was too domineering and controlling and no matter how much I chose to overlook or dismiss his behavior, he would still constantly be seeking me out, demanding I focus all my attention on him. My Ahusband and I did live separately for many years, there was no other choice as his behavior was so out of control, we could not co-exist under the same roof without him always pulling me into his troubled, chaotic world. However, like you, we had numerous ties that forced us to be in continual contact... including a business and children. I spoke to him almost daily and many times he would stop over to our house because of these ties. I began to treat him more like a sickly relative than a husband .. which made it easier for me to cope .. meaning we didn't have to live together in order to have some type of relationship. I had told myself if he ever became sick and could no longer get the medical help he needed, I would be there to assist him .. just like I would any sick relative that had no one else to help him. That didn't mean I would let myself get caught up in his confused mixed up world ... I just let him know from time to time, he needed to get clean and sober because his life had more value than what he had let it become .. and then I went on about taking care of my work, children and personal responsibilities.. knowing it was ultimately up to him to change his life. I also wanted to stay in our home as it was not just walls and a roof... it was where our children were raised and something familiar and stable to our family - which our children so badly needed to counteract the roller coaster existence created by their father's addiction to alcohol .
My husband was too domineering and controlling and no matter how much I chose to overlook or dismiss his behavior, he would still constantly be seeking me out, demanding I focus all my attention on him. My Ahusband and I did live separately for many years, there was no other choice as his behavior was so out of control, we could not co-exist under the same roof without him always pulling me into his troubled, chaotic world. However, like you, we had numerous ties that forced us to be in continual contact... including a business and children. I spoke to him almost daily and many times he would stop over to our house because of these ties. I began to treat him more like a sickly relative than a husband .. which made it easier for me to cope .. meaning we didn't have to live together in order to have some type of relationship. I had told myself if he ever became sick and could no longer get the medical help he needed, I would be there to assist him .. just like I would any sick relative that had no one else to help him. That didn't mean I would let myself get caught up in his confused mixed up world ... I just let him know from time to time, he needed to get clean and sober because his life had more value than what he had let it become .. and then I went on about taking care of my work, children and personal responsibilities.. knowing it was ultimately up to him to change his life. I also wanted to stay in our home as it was not just walls and a roof... it was where our children were raised and something familiar and stable to our family - which our children so badly needed to counteract the roller coaster existence created by their father's addiction to alcohol .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2006
Location: London
Posts: 74
Originally Posted by Seeking Wisdom 
Everyone's situation is so different, there is no one answer that will work for everyone. It sounds as if you have found an acceptable situation to maintain a relationship without being overwhelmed by it.
My husband was too domineering and controlling and no matter how much I chose to overlook or dismiss his behavior, he would still constantly be seeking me out, demanding I focus all my attention on him. My Ahusband and I did live separately for many years, there was no other choice as his behavior was so out of control, we could not co-exist under the same roof without him always pulling me into his troubled, chaotic world. However, like you, we had numerous ties that forced us to be in continual contact... including a business and children. I spoke to him almost daily and many times he would stop over to our house because of these ties. I began to treat him more like a sickly relative than a husband .. which made it easier for me to cope .. meaning we didn't have to live together in order to have some type of relationship. I had told myself if he ever became sick and could no longer get the medical help he needed, I would be there to assist him .. just like I would any sick relative that had no one else to help him. That didn't mean I would let myself get caught up in his confused mixed up world ... I just let him know from time to time, he needed to get clean and sober because his life had more value than what he had let it become .. and then I went on about taking care of my work, children and personal responsibilities.. knowing it was ultimately up to him to change his life. I also wanted to stay in our home as it was not just walls and a roof... it was where our children were raised and something familiar and stable to our family - which our children so badly needed to counteract the roller coaster existence created by their father's addiction to alcohol .
My husband was too domineering and controlling and no matter how much I chose to overlook or dismiss his behavior, he would still constantly be seeking me out, demanding I focus all my attention on him. My Ahusband and I did live separately for many years, there was no other choice as his behavior was so out of control, we could not co-exist under the same roof without him always pulling me into his troubled, chaotic world. However, like you, we had numerous ties that forced us to be in continual contact... including a business and children. I spoke to him almost daily and many times he would stop over to our house because of these ties. I began to treat him more like a sickly relative than a husband .. which made it easier for me to cope .. meaning we didn't have to live together in order to have some type of relationship. I had told myself if he ever became sick and could no longer get the medical help he needed, I would be there to assist him .. just like I would any sick relative that had no one else to help him. That didn't mean I would let myself get caught up in his confused mixed up world ... I just let him know from time to time, he needed to get clean and sober because his life had more value than what he had let it become .. and then I went on about taking care of my work, children and personal responsibilities.. knowing it was ultimately up to him to change his life. I also wanted to stay in our home as it was not just walls and a roof... it was where our children were raised and something familiar and stable to our family - which our children so badly needed to counteract the roller coaster existence created by their father's addiction to alcohol .
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: state of confusion
Posts: 351
My husband drank excessively for around 23 years before he admitted he was an alcoholic ... and was he very functional during most this time ...and he worked hard at hiding the degree of his problem.
It was not until I found where he was hiding alcohol in our garage, on top of what he was drinking openly, did I know for sure he was an alcoholic .. instead of just someone that drank a little too much as he had tried to convince me for many years. He could no longer deny he had a serious problem, as hiding alcohol is one of the red flags for alcoholism ...however, it still took him a couple more years of playing games ..and drinking and hiding it, before he finally admitted he was an alcoholic and started going to AA. Like so many, for the first 6 months to a year he could be difficult to be around as his mind and body adjusted to sobriety, ...but after about a year he started acting more like the guy I married, became highly functional again. We had a normal work related relationship and for a while, I finally was able to stop worrying about what he was doing for the first time in many years. We went through an especially good few months, our business was thriving, we took a fantastic vacation with our kids for the first time in years ... and many other really good things started to happen ... and then his mood began to change, he would be fine one moment and then become hateful - back and forth...and more and more hateful. He became meaner and more hateful than he had ever become in his life... and I was totally confused and deeply hurt beyond words.
It was in these moments of complete despair that I found this forum... and started reading about all the symptoms of alcoholic behavior, the blaming, anger, denial, the roller coaster behavior .. and finally everything made sense for the first time. He had started drinking again and hiding it... and lashing out at me as a target due to his own frustration at having started drinking again after 2 years of sobriety. His decline this time was significant, he started developing health problems and started to miss work for the first time in his entire life over the next several years.. and within about 3 years from when he relapsed, he died due to complications of alcohol.
My own father was an alcoholic that was able to turn his life around in his forties and give his family a much better life ...and I had always hoped it would happen in our family as well. I later learned that what happened with my father was the exception, not the rule .. due to the high degree of relapse and progression associated with alcoholism. My husband's life ended tragically ... and all the years of struggling, all the pain and misery and hoping he would get better for good.. never evolved.
It was not until I found where he was hiding alcohol in our garage, on top of what he was drinking openly, did I know for sure he was an alcoholic .. instead of just someone that drank a little too much as he had tried to convince me for many years. He could no longer deny he had a serious problem, as hiding alcohol is one of the red flags for alcoholism ...however, it still took him a couple more years of playing games ..and drinking and hiding it, before he finally admitted he was an alcoholic and started going to AA. Like so many, for the first 6 months to a year he could be difficult to be around as his mind and body adjusted to sobriety, ...but after about a year he started acting more like the guy I married, became highly functional again. We had a normal work related relationship and for a while, I finally was able to stop worrying about what he was doing for the first time in many years. We went through an especially good few months, our business was thriving, we took a fantastic vacation with our kids for the first time in years ... and many other really good things started to happen ... and then his mood began to change, he would be fine one moment and then become hateful - back and forth...and more and more hateful. He became meaner and more hateful than he had ever become in his life... and I was totally confused and deeply hurt beyond words.
It was in these moments of complete despair that I found this forum... and started reading about all the symptoms of alcoholic behavior, the blaming, anger, denial, the roller coaster behavior .. and finally everything made sense for the first time. He had started drinking again and hiding it... and lashing out at me as a target due to his own frustration at having started drinking again after 2 years of sobriety. His decline this time was significant, he started developing health problems and started to miss work for the first time in his entire life over the next several years.. and within about 3 years from when he relapsed, he died due to complications of alcohol.
My own father was an alcoholic that was able to turn his life around in his forties and give his family a much better life ...and I had always hoped it would happen in our family as well. I later learned that what happened with my father was the exception, not the rule .. due to the high degree of relapse and progression associated with alcoholism. My husband's life ended tragically ... and all the years of struggling, all the pain and misery and hoping he would get better for good.. never evolved.
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Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
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Jen if it was me when I was still drinking as long as you were helping me in any way I was going to continue to do what I as an alcoholic do best, drink, lie, and manipulate. When I became aware that it was just going to be me and my bottle was when I quit.
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