I am so ticked off!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
I am so ticked off!
I have been on this site reading to my little heart's content and am quite frankly TICKED OFF that I have unwittingly for the past 10 years been ROBBED of a once great husband and marriage due to alcoholism!!!
We met in 1987 while stationed in Sicily, married in 1990 [17 years next month] and it is over! AH has been spiralling out of control the past eight months and I just can't take it any more!!!! I just recently learned that I am the A typical denial-enabling-codependent! Why is it that those like me who are intelligent, studious, with a lot of common sense are so easily sucked into the dysfunctional world of alcohol??? Honestly, I didn't have a clue what alcoholism was or is, since I never grew up around it---although seeing my AH's father die from it at age 54 in 2001 should have clued me in!!
I did know that alcohol was slowly becoming a problem with AH around 1997, but again, I didn't have the experience or knowlege to understand its true destruction...mainly because I was so consumed with working full-time, raising our kids, doing the mom thing, all the household finances, cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc.!! Double that with the fact that I absolutely HATE having arguments or conflict [childhood thing]...so there I was, too damn busy creating order out of AH's disorder that I didn't even realize I was being completely manipulated by his put-downs and nasty behaviors, so I would just hole away in my office, do the kid thing or hang out with friends so AH could use his reason [bad me] to drink uninterupted and in peace!!!! UGH!
AH has had a remarkable military career, however, I found out why---because I DO EVERYTHING in and for the household and family!!! All he has to do is put on his uniform and turn into Mr. Hyde for 8 hours, then come home and drink himself drunk 4-6 nights in front of the TV every week! [avg. 20-25 oz of whiskey, gin or scotch per night] I have been miserable for so long, yet I have unwittingly kept this dysfunctional play going, keeping HIS dirty little secret, whereby, I now know that the fantasy marriage we once had before the alcohol and shared responsibilities was abandoned by AH when he turned to the mistress [bottle] and slowly shut me out of his life! I thought his excess in drinking had something to do with his job or guilt about going on long deployments [Bosina, Africa, Saudi Arabia, etc.], but looking at him and what his father looked like when he came to visit us right before he died of pancreatic cancer [drank 1/2 gallon of vodka in two days], I now realize it's a genetic sickness and he was meant to become an alcoholic.
It is completely amazing that someone with my education, abilities and knowledge [business & law] could or would allow a DRUNK TO MAKE ME FEEL UNWORTHY!!!!! But it was a sneak attack, and I unwittingly fell into a trap where my A type personality couldn't accept failure, couldn't forsee the destruction coming, nor had the energy to deal with it!
My neighbor over the past few months kept telling me I needed to detach, and look up codependency (she grew up with an alcoholic father) and BAM --- THE LIGHTS CAME ON!!!!! Damn him! I feel like I have been literally ROBBED by this chemical and how it has effected not only me, but my two sons [16 & 14]! I feel like the worst mother on the face of this earth, especially when you catch your 14 year old son turn into your AH's drinking buddy, sneaking it in Dr. Pepper cans, and caught by my older son drinking in his room --- that was the LAST STRAW!!!!
I confronted AH and told him your an ALCOHOLIC, our son is turning into an alcoholic and I AM DONE!!! He just stared at me with a glazed look in his eyes and said: "fine, I have been wanting to get rid of you for 10 years now!" What a LOSER! He just got orders to the NW and I am heading to the SE [Charleston, SC],a lthough I have never been nor know anyone there, because I have to move FAR AWAY so I will not get sucked into AH's dysfunctional madness---heck with detaching, I'M DEPARTING! They say when the family and health starts deteriorating (AH has severe pain in hands, feet, coughing up blood, severe mood swings, blackouts,) then the job is the last to go. At least he is well past the retirement stage [26 years] so it won't affect his career if AH ends up getting in trouble over his drinking....better yet, I won't have to wait as long to get my 50% share...LOL!
Sorry for ranting, but I am extremely angry, bitter and feel utterly exhausted by all of this! I know I HAVE TO get out, solely for self-preservation, or AH will completely suck what little sanity I have left! I'm attending Al-Anon and continue to do further study by reading and absorbing dozens of books so I may never fall into the trap of codependency again, although at age 41, not sure if we can learn new tricks ;o)_
We met in 1987 while stationed in Sicily, married in 1990 [17 years next month] and it is over! AH has been spiralling out of control the past eight months and I just can't take it any more!!!! I just recently learned that I am the A typical denial-enabling-codependent! Why is it that those like me who are intelligent, studious, with a lot of common sense are so easily sucked into the dysfunctional world of alcohol??? Honestly, I didn't have a clue what alcoholism was or is, since I never grew up around it---although seeing my AH's father die from it at age 54 in 2001 should have clued me in!!
I did know that alcohol was slowly becoming a problem with AH around 1997, but again, I didn't have the experience or knowlege to understand its true destruction...mainly because I was so consumed with working full-time, raising our kids, doing the mom thing, all the household finances, cleaning, shopping, cooking, etc.!! Double that with the fact that I absolutely HATE having arguments or conflict [childhood thing]...so there I was, too damn busy creating order out of AH's disorder that I didn't even realize I was being completely manipulated by his put-downs and nasty behaviors, so I would just hole away in my office, do the kid thing or hang out with friends so AH could use his reason [bad me] to drink uninterupted and in peace!!!! UGH!
AH has had a remarkable military career, however, I found out why---because I DO EVERYTHING in and for the household and family!!! All he has to do is put on his uniform and turn into Mr. Hyde for 8 hours, then come home and drink himself drunk 4-6 nights in front of the TV every week! [avg. 20-25 oz of whiskey, gin or scotch per night] I have been miserable for so long, yet I have unwittingly kept this dysfunctional play going, keeping HIS dirty little secret, whereby, I now know that the fantasy marriage we once had before the alcohol and shared responsibilities was abandoned by AH when he turned to the mistress [bottle] and slowly shut me out of his life! I thought his excess in drinking had something to do with his job or guilt about going on long deployments [Bosina, Africa, Saudi Arabia, etc.], but looking at him and what his father looked like when he came to visit us right before he died of pancreatic cancer [drank 1/2 gallon of vodka in two days], I now realize it's a genetic sickness and he was meant to become an alcoholic.
It is completely amazing that someone with my education, abilities and knowledge [business & law] could or would allow a DRUNK TO MAKE ME FEEL UNWORTHY!!!!! But it was a sneak attack, and I unwittingly fell into a trap where my A type personality couldn't accept failure, couldn't forsee the destruction coming, nor had the energy to deal with it!
My neighbor over the past few months kept telling me I needed to detach, and look up codependency (she grew up with an alcoholic father) and BAM --- THE LIGHTS CAME ON!!!!! Damn him! I feel like I have been literally ROBBED by this chemical and how it has effected not only me, but my two sons [16 & 14]! I feel like the worst mother on the face of this earth, especially when you catch your 14 year old son turn into your AH's drinking buddy, sneaking it in Dr. Pepper cans, and caught by my older son drinking in his room --- that was the LAST STRAW!!!!
I confronted AH and told him your an ALCOHOLIC, our son is turning into an alcoholic and I AM DONE!!! He just stared at me with a glazed look in his eyes and said: "fine, I have been wanting to get rid of you for 10 years now!" What a LOSER! He just got orders to the NW and I am heading to the SE [Charleston, SC],a lthough I have never been nor know anyone there, because I have to move FAR AWAY so I will not get sucked into AH's dysfunctional madness---heck with detaching, I'M DEPARTING! They say when the family and health starts deteriorating (AH has severe pain in hands, feet, coughing up blood, severe mood swings, blackouts,) then the job is the last to go. At least he is well past the retirement stage [26 years] so it won't affect his career if AH ends up getting in trouble over his drinking....better yet, I won't have to wait as long to get my 50% share...LOL!
Sorry for ranting, but I am extremely angry, bitter and feel utterly exhausted by all of this! I know I HAVE TO get out, solely for self-preservation, or AH will completely suck what little sanity I have left! I'm attending Al-Anon and continue to do further study by reading and absorbing dozens of books so I may never fall into the trap of codependency again, although at age 41, not sure if we can learn new tricks ;o)_
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Welcome to SR
As much of an education as you have doesn't mean a thing when it comes to getting sucked in. As much of an education as the alcoholic has doesn't matter about them getting sucked in by the disease either.
Alcohol knows NO boundaries. Not even if you are the First Lady (Betty Ford remember her?)
The good news... There are solutions, support and answers available.
As much of an education as you have doesn't mean a thing when it comes to getting sucked in. As much of an education as the alcoholic has doesn't matter about them getting sucked in by the disease either.
Alcohol knows NO boundaries. Not even if you are the First Lady (Betty Ford remember her?)
The good news... There are solutions, support and answers available.
I'm no angel!
Join Date: May 2005
Location: tampa, fl
Posts: 6,728
The one little four letter word that got you sucked in is Love...such a simple word, but one that holds so much power over us, over our intellect...we are in that stage of trying to allow our hearts to do the thinking, it always leads to defeat...as our heads are designed to do the thinking, our hearts are not.
You'll be fine, I just know it!
You'll be fine, I just know it!
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Ah but we can learn new things.
I spent 9 years with my wife and saw the slow decline also.
Yes and taking over everything does fall onto us .
It does take a little time to get back to where you feel you have footing, but it WILL happen.
I’m glad to hear you decided on going Alanon, this is a big step to you moving forward.
I spent 9 years with my wife and saw the slow decline also.
Yes and taking over everything does fall onto us .
It does take a little time to get back to where you feel you have footing, but it WILL happen.
I’m glad to hear you decided on going Alanon, this is a big step to you moving forward.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Originally Posted by sprylynx 
Why is it that those like me who are intelligent, studious, with a lot of common sense are so easily sucked into the dysfunctional world of alcohol???
I was just talking about this with one of my SR buddies today. Then with my therapist this afternoon. I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that I thought my intelligence, common sense and studious application of reason and love would cure him. I let go of all that once I educated myself on the disease itself, not the person.
Al-anon helped me greatly in dealing with anger, resentments, etc. Individual therapy has been invaluable. There is much you can start to do for yourself, now, if you are going to be removed from the alcoholism.
Take care and keep posting. It helps to vent.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by dollydo
The one little four letter word that got you sucked in is Love...such a simple word, but one that holds so much power over us, over our intellect...we are in that stage of trying to allow our hearts to do the thinking, it always leads to defeat...as our heads are designed to do the thinking, our hearts are not.
You'll be fine, I just know it!
You'll be fine, I just know it!
LOVE...you hit the nail right on the head! My neighbor [a godsend] said the same thing to me last night, and there are only two reasons one should ever give their unconditional love to: 1) children; and 2) pets!
I feel like I'm on a rollercoaster that won't slow down. Although I'll be fine physically and financially...its the heart thing I'm not too sure about.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by sprylynx
...its the heart thing I'm not too sure about.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by denny57
Welcome, sprylynx, glad you're here!
I was just talking about this with one of my SR buddies today. Then with my therapist this afternoon. I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that I thought my intelligence, common sense and studious application of reason and love would cure him. I let go of all that once I educated myself on the disease itself, not the person.
I was just talking about this with one of my SR buddies today. Then with my therapist this afternoon. I think the conclusion I'm coming to is that I thought my intelligence, common sense and studious application of reason and love would cure him. I let go of all that once I educated myself on the disease itself, not the person.
I think this is the hardest part to deal with or understand. I am trying to separate the alcohol as a _disease_ from the person who willfully gives it to themselves (like smoking), than say one with cancer or a diabetic. I am having a very difficult time wrapping my brain around a chemical dependence that is self-imposed by choice v. a genetic disease that one has no choice over.
I obviously have a lot to learn about this subject.
Don't get undies in a bunch
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: South Shore MA
Posts: 7,120
Originally Posted by sprylynx
I am having a very difficult time wrapping my brain around a chemical dependence that is self-imposed by choice v. a genetic disease that one has no choice over.
I obviously have a lot to learn about this subject.
I obviously have a lot to learn about this subject.
that I have unwittingly for the past 10 years been...
Maybe I am giving more info then you need or want at this moment so I will just say that you will find understanding and answers with time and with Al Anon and the added support from SR you will find at both
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: MT P, SC
Posts: 15
Originally Posted by best
The more we learn about alcoholism and about ourself ... our heart also comes out of things ok. Matter of fact, it can come out stronger and healthier but it does hurt as we grow. You will do ok. Time does help and it does get better.
I doubt my heart will ever be the same. I will always love my kids (and pet if I get one) unconditionally, however, to give my heart away to another man [so nonalcoholic] with a high uncertaintainty that he will be able to guard and protect it---is too high of a gamble for me, especially when you look at the odds.
I know time heals wounds, but a broken heart is another matter.
Fool To Do Your Dirty Work
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Greenflower Street
Posts: 362
hi sprylynx, welcome. i am in the process of ending my relationship to my Afiancee. it is very hard...my heart is breaking too...but i also know i deserve the best him he can be, the sober him.....and i am SURE i don't want the drunk him anymore...there is so much great advice and information here - keep reading!
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