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Old 04-26-2007, 02:38 PM
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update

hi all
I posted an intro a few days ago and got lots of great support. Reading posts and information on this forum has really gotten me thinking and growing in just a few days. I wanted to share what has happened at ask some more questions...

I sent a link to this forum to my alcoholic partner. We went out to dinner last night with our 15 month old daughter and he mentioned that he registered and posted on here. I kind of doubt it but that is irrelevant. In the past I would have gotten all happy but, last night, I was supportive, yet not overly excited. I know that I cannot allow myself and my happiness to depend on the hills and valleys of his progress (or non progress). I have been lied to many, many, times by him. Well, I think he expected me to be more happy with him and then to drop this "silly business of his alcoholism". I didn't. I calmly stated that, while I hoped he found the support he needed to stop drinking, that I had to start concentrating on myself and our daughter. I said that I was in great pain and mental anguish over his drinking. I told him it had gotten to the point where my pain was unbearable and that I was going to start going to Al-anon meetings to seek help for myself.

Oh boy. What a tirade I opened up! His whole tone and demenor changed. He became very nasty, ugly, and condescending. He told me that in his experience which is much greater than mine (he is 43 and I am 30) that AA and Al-anon are "cults" and that he is very concerned that I will be brainwashed by the people involved in these groups. He says that "they" think that people who have a little problem with alcohol have to stop drinking forever. That there is no middle ground. I reminded him that, after our baby was born (after a pregnancy where he was drunk and verbally abusive and my baby's early weeks where he was constantly drunk also) I told him that he would have to stop drinking or me and baby would leave. (Well he did stop for a while but has relapsed several times and now I think he may have been drinking even when I thought he wasn't). Well, then he said that I don't have any right to tell him "what he is" and I told him that he was right. That only he can decide if he is an alcohoic or not. But that I have to decide what to do about myself and I need to get help for myself reguardless of what he decides he is or isnt'. I noticed he did everything possible to get the conversation away from himself and on to me. He tried to tell me what I should say if I went to a meeting. That I should remember that I have done bad things in the past as well and that I don't have the right to judge him.


I have more to write but my baby just woke up so I'll have to come back later. Thanks for the vent.
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Old 04-26-2007, 02:47 PM
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he sounds pretty angry and like he's in some serious denial about his drinking problem. is it possible for you to get away for a few days to get some time to yourself to think?

of course, everything is your fault and not his! sigh. he can sense that he's starting to lose power and that you're going to make his manipulation over you harder, and that worries and angers him. i'd distance yourself as much as possible (although i know it's hard with a baby).
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:10 PM
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Manipulation at its best

He's protecting his addiction by attacking you. That is pretty much standard M.O. with them. I calmly told my AH that he lied to my face about attending AA and getting a sponsor. He then grabbed a bottle of pills I had just brought home from the pharmacy and, glaring at me, said "You ARE manic depressive, aren't you? Just what are these pills for?" I explained that they are an extremely low dose of a med for anxiety disorder and, no, I have never been diagnosed with manic depression.

He then started on some rant and commanded me not to discuss "our relationship" any further with him. (WHAT relationship???) It was all I could do to keep from laughing. He was caught dead-center in a lie and just picked up my medication and started ranting on that. Oh, brother!

I admire you for your calm behavior while under attack. You spoke rationally to him and A's don't take kindly to having someone rationally explain to them that their disease is no longer front row and center in the lives of those with whom they come in contact.

It never ceases to amaze me at their adeptness to turn the tables. Here he is, sitting in judgment of you and accusing you of the very thing he is doing. That is nothing more than quacking. You made your point, stuck to it, and let it go. Bravo!
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Old 04-26-2007, 03:17 PM
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thank you. I am proud of myself for remaining calm. When he tried to go off on all these tangents I would just state that I was not able to tell him what to do but that I was in pain as a result of his alcoholism and that I was going to seek help for that pain. In addtion I have confided in two of my close friends (we all have babies the same age) about the problems going on in my family with dp's alcoholism. Up until now I had been hiding the problems from them and keeping all my anger and sadness pent up inside. I don't want to keep his secret anymore and I know my friend's are there for me. I want to open up to them and stop hurting myself by keeping this deep inside and acting like we don't have a problem. My friends reacted well and gave me alot of support.

My alcoholic partner told me yesterday that I had "open my eyes". I told him - I have.
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Old 04-26-2007, 08:12 PM
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You can always use a good friend! Stay Strong ((((HUGS)))))
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Old 04-26-2007, 10:26 PM
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Hey mama...I remember when I started telling my friends and family about what was going on...they gave me so much support. But it was really hard to break the silence after all those years of trying to handle it all on my own. Good for you for reaching out That's what it's all about - getting the support that YOU need.

I think what the others have said about him now being manipulative in order to "protect" his drinking is spot on. Don't fall for his crap. I went around in circles for a long time with my AH...and nearly went nuts...but finally realized that everything he was saying was in attempt to deflect the attention off of him and on to anything else. And it was all b.s. Yes, they are masters at this.

I am glad you are here and look forward to hearing more from you. Take care, neg
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Old 04-27-2007, 02:19 AM
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You seem to be on the right track. I know I wasted too much time and energy defending and debating with my Ahusband over his ridiculous attacks, blaming, bizarre reasoning and denial. Alcoholics will do anything to avoid accepting responsibility for all the pain and misery their drinking creates. I wish I had known then what I know now... it would have saved me so much frustration in trying to deal with someone incapable of rational behavior. My husband used to tell me I needed to go to Alanon to change my attitude .. and then when I came to this forum and mentioned that according to Alanon I was supposed to take care of me and detach ... he freaked out and became very hostile. I guess he felt Alanon was supposed to enlighten me .. so I would learn how to put all my focus on him and how to treat him nicely .. and he never took kindly to not being the center of attention. Go figure. From that point on, he got hostile if I ever mentioned Alanon or this forum.
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Old 04-27-2007, 06:59 AM
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My AH used the same speech on me. He said "you won't be happy unless I never drink again!" (said in anger, on the day that I told him he was an alcoholic) My reply to him....

"If you were a drug addict, would it be okay to have just a little bit of drugs?"

Don't let your AH bully you....you're doing great!
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Old 04-27-2007, 09:22 AM
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Originally Posted by mama2sunshine View Post
He told me that in his experience which is much greater than mine (he is 43 and I am 30) that AA and Al-anon are "cults" and that he is very concerned that I will be brainwashed by the people involved in these groups. He says that "they" think that people who have a little problem with alcohol have to stop drinking forever. That there is no middle ground.
Well in my experience he's right about there being no middle ground, I do have to go forever without drinking again if I want my sanity to remain intact. Sounds good to me!

I used to think they were cults too, until I opened my eyes and saw these programs as a way of life. The journey of recovery is awesome, wouldn't trade it for another drink or anything else for that matter.

So I'll take my cult robes in a large size, and let the brainwashing continue.

Stay strong mama, sounds like you're handling this very well.
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