A painful lesson
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
If you are angry with your spouse and don't work through it and look at what part or what issues of your own might be contributing it simply won't work. Please, work on your own recovery. If you stay married, do your part to recover. Don't let your marraige end up like mine.
[/QUOTE]
K,
Thanks for writing this. My AH and I have a young daughter and we are in the process of a separation. I am angry and I know it. I know I cannot carry this with me forever. That is why I am taking a step back. It's hard b/c I know there are things that I need to work on -- just as in any "normal" relationship. I tend to be bossy and am a bit of neat freak.
But, Al Anon tells us we "didn't cause it." I feel conflicted at times b/c I know I cannot feel that this all happened b/c of me. When you wrote above "what issues of your own might be contributing" -- it struck a cord. My AH has been going down this road during recent discussions and it makes me feel like it's my fault and he is inadvertently passing blame. What I do know I need help with is overcoming my feelings of anger and resentment -- those feelings are definitely contributing to the situation. I hope I am making sense... that is just how I am feeling right now.
However it may go with you two, I think your long period of staying sober is phenomenal. Keep going -- if only for yourself and your kids. Did you mention marriage counseling too? I am a communication major and felt my AH and I were getting nowhere in our discussions -- nice to have a 3rd party perspective in a safe and open environment.
I'm so glad you posted. It is good for me to hear another side of the story -- and the fact that 13 years have passed with your H still feeling angry makes me realize how long the pain can continue if issues are left unresolved. Best wishes.
TroubledNC
[/QUOTE]
K,
Thanks for writing this. My AH and I have a young daughter and we are in the process of a separation. I am angry and I know it. I know I cannot carry this with me forever. That is why I am taking a step back. It's hard b/c I know there are things that I need to work on -- just as in any "normal" relationship. I tend to be bossy and am a bit of neat freak.
But, Al Anon tells us we "didn't cause it." I feel conflicted at times b/c I know I cannot feel that this all happened b/c of me. When you wrote above "what issues of your own might be contributing" -- it struck a cord. My AH has been going down this road during recent discussions and it makes me feel like it's my fault and he is inadvertently passing blame. What I do know I need help with is overcoming my feelings of anger and resentment -- those feelings are definitely contributing to the situation. I hope I am making sense... that is just how I am feeling right now.
However it may go with you two, I think your long period of staying sober is phenomenal. Keep going -- if only for yourself and your kids. Did you mention marriage counseling too? I am a communication major and felt my AH and I were getting nowhere in our discussions -- nice to have a 3rd party perspective in a safe and open environment.
I'm so glad you posted. It is good for me to hear another side of the story -- and the fact that 13 years have passed with your H still feeling angry makes me realize how long the pain can continue if issues are left unresolved. Best wishes.
TroubledNC
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Charlotte, NC
Posts: 27
If you are angry with your spouse and don't work through it and look at what part or what issues of your own might be contributing it simply won't work. Please, work on your own recovery. If you stay married, do your part to recover. Don't let your marraige end up like mine.
[/QUOTE]
K,
Thanks for writing this. My AH and I have a young daughter and we are in the process of a separation. I am angry and I know it. I know I cannot carry this with me forever. That is why I am taking a step back. It's hard b/c I know there are things that I need to work on -- just as in any
[/QUOTE]
K,
Thanks for writing this. My AH and I have a young daughter and we are in the process of a separation. I am angry and I know it. I know I cannot carry this with me forever. That is why I am taking a step back. It's hard b/c I know there are things that I need to work on -- just as in any
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
After rereading my original post It occuredd to me that it could be interepreted to mean that I think other people's issues contribute or cause the other person's drinking. That is NOT what I mean at all. Nobody is responsible for another person's drinking.
Just wanted to clarify that.
-K
Just wanted to clarify that.
-K
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
Many of us in life make the wrong choices based on our past and old wounds that have never healed--that you see them now is good--work from there.....some heal--some can be forgiven---some not,,,you need to keep working on you....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
TroubledNC,
What I mean is you are responsible for yourself. I think, in my case I was referring more to owning your own sh** in the relationship. I also was talking in terms of living with someone who is sober. I am struggling to explain what I mean...Let me think on it. Hopefully others with more experience and eloquence will stop by and comment.
Reading and learning about codependency was very helpful to me. Alanon is about looking at yourself and your issues, working on your own recovery. You have "issues" just as the alcoholic. You have been infected by the disease of alcoholism if you have lived with one, and it sounds like you have.
A book that was very helpful to me was Codependant No More by Melody Beattie.
I'm sorry, this post is all over the place. Not very cohesive.
-K
What I mean is you are responsible for yourself. I think, in my case I was referring more to owning your own sh** in the relationship. I also was talking in terms of living with someone who is sober. I am struggling to explain what I mean...Let me think on it. Hopefully others with more experience and eloquence will stop by and comment.
Reading and learning about codependency was very helpful to me. Alanon is about looking at yourself and your issues, working on your own recovery. You have "issues" just as the alcoholic. You have been infected by the disease of alcoholism if you have lived with one, and it sounds like you have.
A book that was very helpful to me was Codependant No More by Melody Beattie.
I'm sorry, this post is all over the place. Not very cohesive.
-K
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
The alcoholic "bad" behavior is just more obvious. Just as the addict must choose to stop, I needed to choose the same. For one, I had the martyr bottle to my lips for far too long. Of course, I didn't it call it that, but I've learned a new definition for compassion so it no longer fits to what I used to do - enable someone in their suicide.
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