bv1979

So my RAGF obviously still has many alcoholic tendencies as far as the way she interacts with people.

One of them that I'm dealing with is her instinct to manipulate certain people to either get something she may want, or to satisfy some sort of egocentric need.

In particular, I'm talking about the way she deals with one of her ex's. This ex is still in love with her, constantly sending her text messages and leaving voice mails saying "I love you" and "I'm going to fight for you," and I honestly know that she does not want to be with this person.

However, she'll still hang out with the ex in exchange for getting rides to her meetings and classes when I'm not available to take her due to work or having to pick up my son from class, and used to justify it by saying she still wanted to be friends with this person, as they used to work together and were always good friends, and knows the pain that she caused when she broke up with them.

The ex, when frustrated with the situation, becomes rude and says very mean things that are upsetting to my girlfriend, and has even said at one point that space is needed to get over her. My girlfriend, in a conversation with me last week, agreed with the assessment - but even last night had the ex take her to and bring her home from her class.

I trust my girlfriend, and I know that there is nothing more wanted on her end other than friendship - I've known my girlfriend long enough that if she wanted to be with someone besides me, she would be with that person. This is, by her own admission, a combination of compassion for someone that she still does care about (just not in a romantic way) and a way to get certain things that she needs. She also made the comment to me that although she doesn't have any sort of romantic feelings for her ex, her ego doesn't want the ex to get over her.

It can be pressing on me at times, because I feel like I'm the only one who should be sending her texts saying that I love her, and she gets mad when I get upset over it. She also has maintained good friendships with past ex's that have moved on and have new significant others, and I'm fine with that - in fact, we've hung out with one of them and his girlfriend before.

But this one does bother me...mainly because I still have issues with my ex-wife trying to make my life hell, and trying to destroy any relationship that I may have, while I know that's what her ex truly wants. My gf doesn't like the way I handle my ex-wife sometimes (and she KNOWS that there's no chance in hell I'd ever go back to her), but says that I'm being insensitive when I make comments about her ex and the way she interacts with them.

Has anyone else dealt with anything like this? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

denny57

Is your girlfriend a teenager?

Cynay

Ok... I want to tell you up front to take what Im saying knowing this is a trigger for me..... So if my reaction seems stronger then it should ... just know its not you, its my trigger and if you dont want some of my harder honesty you might want to skip this post.


Why on earth would you want a RAGF who you know ... and watch .... treats people that horrible? That is just plane mean to play with someones emotions like that.

There is IMHO NO compassion in what she is doing... that is just mean, hurtful and wrong to string a person along and knowing you can because you use their emotions against them.

Toy with another persons emotions???? I have to ask, has she no feelings? Has she never been hurt deeply by someone she loves?

I have to say, if she will do this to another person she will also do this to you. Im not sure what you think your trusting... what that she is not sleeping with him... woopee.... to me that is an emotional affair and that is just as bad, I would be bothered too... If she really loved you why would she do anything to put the relationship in danger and excuse me but keeping her ex in her life....knowing he is trying and would love to break the two of you up....

Man she has an amazing game going on, having her cake and eating it too.... not to mention the flipping frosting of her ego trip....

OK.... Im done, Please know it is only my opinion, Take what you want and leave the rest hon.

cagefree

Someone said this in another post and it's still strong in my mind:

an addict is a dependent, not a partner

My XABF claimed to be in "recovery" from the day I met him. That didn't stop him from lying, deceiving and manipulating to get what he wanted...then, when he would get what he wanted, he wouldn't want it anymore - a total lack of gratitude and appreciation.

Funny thing is, the last time he "threw me out" he tried to do it in a way that kept me coming around. Joke's on him - he lost at his own game...

MsGolightly

i agree with cynay.

the fact that she can treat someone else this way, means one day, she will likely also treat YOU this way. no one has given her any consequences for her actions, so her manipulation will continue for as long as she lives... until she actually faces the reasons WHY she is doing this to her ex, you, and herself.

i personally would be extremely worried if my girlfriend was behaving this way. they're expert manipulators, which is very hard to realize sometimes. if she can do this to him, she WILL do it to you. she shouldn't be tolerating these messages from her ex, PERIOD, if she really was over him and had no intention of being with him. in my opinion, i think her cover of not wanting to bruise her ego is b.s. i think there's more going on, and if she can manipulate him, she could also be doing it to you, without you even realizing it. i'm not sure he realizes it either.

SaTiT

She comes home to ME...Thats my MO.
She dosen't belong to me, I don't own her
I don't think to much about it.
Guys hit up on my GF all the time
However..I can always go to steples and buy another
blackbook. She dosn't own me either. I go home to her.
If she can't figure that out...I don't know what to tell her.

Some lessons one learns in life. As bad as my ex-wife
and I got. Onething I'm not... is a jealouse person today.
Too much pain and suffering. I won't do it or slip back
into that mindset again.

As you stated...she won't mess around, if she leaves
you, she'll leave ya.

Step #1
I'm powerless over people, places and things and
my life had become unmageable...

Rella927

I just want to say in my opinion too-I'm a one that loves advice when people decide they want to give and I appreciate everything and anything I can get! I'm a work in progress and it has been a very bumpy road for me but I'm learning and living! I guess I agree with alot of people in here and disagree with alot as well....which is my choice! I happen to agree with Cynay 100 % on this-Cynay makes total sense with this situation-I was a little disappointed with the very little feedback and support that I got from my post this morning except for those who did post and I thank those-and the reason that I mention this is that maybe it is me having a very bad day kind of a hang over if you will from being on the roller coaster again last night and not by my choice-but I must say-looking at the game I was going through with my X who I was with together for over 2 years and have been broken up with for close to 1 1/2-and actually dealing with his X wife as a continual part of our relationship because they had a child. And then reading this post why on earth if as Cynay said she loves you would she possibly keep him around!?????????????????? Or better yet why would stay involved with that kind of chaos????????

Just another opinion!

bv1979

I appreciate all of the thoughtful replies - and I do understand some points, while others I feel like perhaps I didn't do the situation justice...so I'm going to tell the rest of the story now...


First off, I knew you would all assume a "him" as the ex...but the case is actually that it's a "her." Perhaps I didn't feel like explaining that one - so I'm still not going to, as my girlfriend is not a lesbian - just has some bi-sexual tendencies, I'd say.

*EDIT - So in re-reading this after I wrote it, I lied - guess I did explain it the best I could...lol*

Their relationship started off as just being friends. Her ex is strictly a lesbian - never having been with a guy before. Their relationship was one of comfort on my girlfriend's side - she needed a shoulder to cry on at the time, she was there as a friend, and my girlfriend was grateful for it - and still is. The ex took her to her meetings, and did quite a bit for her as far as helping her with her recovery at the time.

I honestly believe that my girlfriend, although not wanting to be romantically involved with her (especially not in a lesbian relationship "Not that there's anything wrong with that!") still feels indebted to her for the help that she gave her. They lived together, under the guise of "roommates," and she became close with my gf's daughter and dog. The dog loves her - and if you read my post about my girlfriend and her dog, she treats her dog very much like a human, and knows that the dog enjoys when her ex takes her for walks and such.

My girlfriend has told her (I heard her end of the phone conversation) that she's in love with me, and that she wanted to be friends - but she wasn't going to keep telling her to stop saying the things she was saying, because she felt like they were falling on deaf ears.

When my gf and I reconnected, her ex was still living in the house, but the actual relationship was already done as my gf had told her that she needed to find somewhere else to live but didn't want to put her out on the street, as the ex had violated my gf's privacy by going through her text messages on her phone. My gf went out with me for lunch one day, and then out to San Francisco the next night, and that weekend, after her ex threw a fit, my gf asked her to move out of the house - not because of me.

But in the ex's eyes, it seems that way - so even though the relationship was over (I had been talking to my gf about this for weeks before our relationship rekindled - and getting back into a relationship with her was never the original intention...I thought we were just going to be friends. There was no malicious intent on my part, as the relationship was over), the ex still hung onto hope that my gf would change her mind.

That didn't happen, obviously. And my girlfriend isn't just using her - she paid for her to get a pedicure. She really does enjoy the girl's company as a friend, and when they hang out she doesn't pull all of the "I love you" stuff with her - it's only when they're not hanging out.

My gf feels like she's stuck between a rock and a hard place. She knows that the situation bothers me - but she doesn't want to further hurt someone who really did help her through some tough times. I guess in a way she's hoping that the ex will eventually realize that it truly is over, but I'm concerned that as she's learning to deal with her emotions again, she's not seeing what is emotionally best for the both of them.

I've tried to explain to her that by continuing on the path that they're going, she'll never move on - and that if she wants to have a normal friendship with this person, she's got to detach for a while and let her get over the entire thing. She says she knows - but again, it comes back to her not wanting to hurt her but cutting her off completely.

That's where the self-admitted "alcoholic tendencies" of the manipulation step in - she figures while she's got her still willing to help, she's going to take advantage of it while she can. Once she has her driver's license back, she won't need the rides anymore.

It's a tough situation - she's really not a cold hearted person, and like I said, maybe I just didn't explain the situation enough.

The bottom line is that it still does bother me when she says "Oh, (name protected) just sent me another text saying she loves me..." and thinks that I'll find it funny.

I don't know...like I said in the first post...I know she loves me. I'm the one who's with her five nights a week, and if she would have rather had someone else there, I wouldn't be there. It's just, in my eyes, a matter of her figuring out how to deal with "real life" again...

Cynay

Im glad you cleared that up.....

But the only thing I would change in my response is....

There is IMHO NO compassion in what she is doing... that is just mean, hurtful and wrong to string a women along and knowing you can because you use their emotions against them.

I dont think the fact that she is bi makes any difference at all.... just looking from the outside in?? I would say everyone to their own cornors for 3 months no contact.... then come out fighting.

denny57

I don't see the difference, either. Just seems like a lot of drama and excusing. What matters is if you're happy in the relationship. Are you?

Sunflower

from the first time you posted--this relationship sounds like a train wreck!!!-I can't imagine why you are staying. You are being played--JMHO
She is manipulating everyone-all around....She is a Lesbian==thats why she wants to be with other girls-you cannot change that fact. There is nothing wrong with that-I have many friends who are Gay-but they are open about it not "pretending"--this girl is going to hurt you very badly in the end-you deserve better...

MsGolightly

by staying friends with her and hanging out with her, she's doing exactly that. she's leaving the door open for their relationship, in case the one with you doesn't work. she IS using her, as a fall back, as comfort, etc. the ex sounds like she still cares for your girlfriend, which is why she's wanting to stay in touch, and it's why your girlfriend is letting her. the rest is an excuse.

as friends or not, whatever your girlfriend is saying they are, they have no reason to stay in contact, and if they do - whether it's from her ex or from your gf - feeds the cycle that they can remain this way, and it leaves both of them with the possibility for something in the future.

MsGolightly

and, sorry, i didn't mean to come across mean or hurtful. i've been in your shoes, and i wish i had this board and these posts a long time ago, while we were still together. i wouldn't have let the lies and manipulation come this far.

whether or not there is nothing physical going on between them, there is an emotional affair. it doesn't matter if she's spending the night with you every night of the week for a year, it really doesn't, because as long as this girl is in her life, their affair will continue.

it's something to think about. i wish i had when i was at your stage in the relationship. i don't think anything good will come from this, and that's just my honest opinion.

her recovery should be about everything. the drinking, the lies, the manipulation - absolutely everything - and it should be molding her into a better person - one who wouldn't treat you or her ex this way. just a thought.