It's a Dark Ride!
 

Hoezit ya'll.

My sob story: I've been dating my girlfriend for almost 4 years now. She told me that she has some er mental issues , chemical imbalance and whatnot. not a problem since I loved her and hey , all chicks are crazy in their own way.

Well what I thought was effects of the imbalance and meds turned out to be mostly alcohol induced. a lot of ups and downs and a lot of promises (all broken except the last lot) later she's hit the point where she's acknowledged that she has a big problem and that she literally can't have a single drink period.

We've (well I) have been talking about the AA and she's not all that into it , get the impression that standing up and admitting to strangers that's she an alkie isn't what she has in mind at all. along with last-set-of-promises(TM) there was an agreement on her part to attend the AA and get some help .got her all the info , nicely printed out and told her I want her to drive with this . I want her to put in a 10th of the effort she put into getting drunk into getting/staying sober. I want her to drive it , take ownership , whatever the latest cliche is . is that unreasonable ?
and yesterday was supposed to be the first meeting , nothing from her and I don't want to nag anymore .


Question for the Gents with Alkie S.O. : how much do you worry about having children with your s.o. ? as far as I can figure it , we're currently in the high risk group for F.A.S. (fetal alcohol syndrome) aka the number one cause of mental retardation in america today according to wikipedia .

all chicks are CRAZY in there own way???????
cute
men make us that way!

If I may be direct...
I understand your words of describing her possible imbalance which can be magnified by alcohol but I think you need to find better understanding of how others may feel about your word choices. Being more PC would be better.

As for laying out a plan of action for her... Good job. Nice support.
As for not continuing to nag... Good job. We share the info and it is up to others to accept and act on what we shared. It needs be their choice, we can't force others.
Have a look about. Read the posts at the top of the forums that say "sticky" beside them. You will find much insight in them.

Sorry if I offended , the crazy chicks thing was mostly tongue-in-cheek, then to diffuse with humour whereever possible .

and PC ? well this is not a very PC 'disease' is it ? personally I've had enough double talk from her , I'd like to be as brutally honest about my feelings as possible - ie one of the reasons I'm here. a lot of nasty things bubbling that I can't share with her but don't want to keep to myself.

but tnx I'm working my way thru pretty much all of the post . the sad bit is how same-old same-old it is .

:roflmao true....true
add some high octain alcohol and you get a crazy thing all love.
alcohol in a sense amplified defects into over drive.

Have the Dr. jeckyl and Mrs. hyde going yet ?
There's progression involved

Seriousely...if you were dealing with a normal and a healty person.
Everything you say makes sense....but it's not mormal.
To expect normalcy will drive you to madness.

I'm sorry James...it's a heartbreak.
I'm sorry you're are going through it.
I belive you love her as we all love our love ones.
There wasn't a freaken thing I could do or did that made a hoot of difference.
Belive me tried and tried. I love her very much.
A lot of things I couldn't accept

I guess you are seeking for answers as I was.
Yeah...i had to educate myself to this thing all alcoholism and codependency

Yes tongue in cheek or even more direct were my words till I started to learn more about imbalances.

As for her actions brought about from alcohol vs any possible imbalance... They can be handled in the same manner... calm detachment and setting of boundaries that will keep your space at peace. When we let the actions of others get to us, we no longer hold onto our peace. Al Anon and oher support groups show us the tools we can use to keep our peace in any storm.

Yes it is aggravating to deal with the false promises but we can't control others, we can only control how we react to and towards others.
Alcoholism and a chemical imbalance are two different things. How we deal with each condition no matter what may be at the root of the outward actions we see is how we keep a control on the peace/serenity in our own life.

Have the Dr. jeckyl and Mrs. hyde going yet ?
There's progression involved
- Dr Jeckyl I love , Mrs Hyde I can handle , it's the bit inbetween that gets me :(

There wasn't a freaken thing I could do or did that made a hoot of difference.
Belive me tried and tried. I love her very much.
A lot of things I couldn't accept
- that's not quite true , I can make a differance , just seems that it's makes things differantly bad.

Yeah...i had to educate myself to this thing all alcoholism.
-and about her , I'm still shocked about her capacity , I'm a bigish guy , played front-row rugby and I can't get my head around her capacity! how can one person drink that much ?

Tnx SaTit !

Practice.

We learn fast.

I'm not sure how imbalanced she really is tho , had her to a couple of psychs and she lies to them , specially regards to her drinking/frequency and intake. but regardless , it might enhance the drinking but nobody's gonna make a dent into her other issues untill she gets the drinking under control .

When we let the actions of others get to us, we no longer hold onto our peace.
-unfortunatly one of the reason we're in a relationship is because they get to us , they get to us despite all our problems , our issues and whatever walls we put up.

yeah, i coudn't understand how a 110 lb woman can drink so much.

Everything I thought i knew about love, I had to re-learned.
Emotionally detaching and letting my GF hit her bottom was
the best thing I could have done for her. I felt guilty and my
mind worries about her. And her bottom was pretty ugly.
Yeah...the tougue and cheek.
"if you love someone, set them free"...but so true

Even if you and I knew it...it dosn't matter for her, she has to
grasp it. She also need to make that decision for herself.
She has to want it for herself...not for me or anyone else

Please reserch and there's a bit of information to be absorb.
Please try to focus on yourself , heal, and get support.
I'm sure it's been chaotic.

You don't need to do this alone.
it sucks...I know, not such a manly thing to do...but it's craaazy !!!
As you're finding out.

my gf is clean and sober today and we're together...so it is possiable.
yes...yes..can't live with them, can't live without them.

I'm sorry you are going through this also, but for God's sake, why are you even bringing up having kids with an alcoholic that is not in recovery?!? This should be the furtherest thing from both of your minds. All that I have endured over the past 10 years w/ my AH...I am beyond thankful that we don't have children, and that's NOT because I don't want any.

Take care of yourself! Have you tried Al-Anon?

Welcome to SR IonJames.

Imho, it's ok not to be PC here. Just say what's going on. If your words truly offend, I think people can let you know that (and why). We shouldn't be self-censoring here.

I interpreted what you said as tongue in cheek. And if I were to be offended by that comment, well, I'd be calling the "kettle black"...I've made some pretty sweeping comments about men myself!

I hope you keep reading and posting...there's lots to be learned here...it's what got me through ending my marriage to an alcoholic.

Whataboutme brings up a very good point...as sad as it may be for you, you've got to face the reality of how NOT okay it would be to have kids with this woman because of her addiction and unwillingness to get help and quit. It's hard, I know! I had to give up my dream of having children with my AH too. It wasn't easy.

Anyways, nice to meet you:)

I made a decision not to bring children into an alcoholic situation. Can't imagine doing that to a child.

nice to meet you, ionjames. i have a daughter who is an alcoholic and an addict. alanon really helps me. blessings, k

Welcome! And share away--I wasn't really offended by the crazy chick thing--but I just made a joke back to you inreply-to lighten it up....
I would have a lot of explaining to do as well for some of the bombs I have dropped here.
I made a comment once about --how a man shouldn't respond to one of my questions because it was about maternal instinct--I got a note for that one--I say let it all hang out!!!

and tnx again SaTit ! excellent post :)
especially the Manly bit , detachment has overtones of "not taking care of you woman" makes it kinda harder specially coming from a calvinistic religeos background .

This should be the furtherest thing from both of your minds.
- the funny thing is that her alcholism has made me realize that I could do it , used to be a bit 'childfree' - didn't think I could handle it but now know that I can cope with almost anything .
but not considering it ( well besides the bit that we've been together 4 years now , stable good jobs and she's getting close to 30 and I'm a bit over and got a bit of a ticking clock going)
but it features right at the top of my worst-case scenario list : we're safe and using protection but accidents happen. and twins runs in my family .. a massive stress fest , snowballing ...

and al-anon is friday ( or slightly more likely is friday flu-med fun ! damn change-of-season)

Tnx newenglandgirl and whataboutme :)

Sorry and Tnx Sunflower and yer right I do need to ligthen up , still battening down the hatches so-to-speak :(

James,

Just keep posting, reach out
Just know that you are not alone.

Yeap, being a provider and to take care of my family.
It's a bit confusing at first becuase it's going against the grain
of everything I was taught or feel.
Settle down and have a family...that wasn't too much to ask for.
That's what you're suppost to do..I thought.

Maybe if you start your recovery, she might take notice...she might not.
But at least you're making a change in the current situation.
At the very least you will be geting well.

LoL....I thought I was old when I truned 30.
I have a freind that's only 26 and thinks he's too old.
I started dating again at 38....that'll have to be another thread.lol

All i know is...as much as i love my gf, I love myself a thousand times more.

No need to be Politically Correct with me! I am a WASP male, so therefore I am the cause of all evil in the world today! At least thats what the media tells me!! LOL

Anyway, you do not even want to think about having kids with this woman. Its hard enough being married, with both parents having no addictions, to raise a child. It would not be fair to the child to bring them into the world in an unstable relationship. And yes, fetal alcohol syndrom is a very real possibility.

You can not control your GF's drinking or her choices. But you can control yours. Do not have sex without protection. You cannot trust or depend upon her to take birth control. Alcoholics lie, thats what they do!

Since you are not married, you may need to face a tough decision. Continue this relationship, or move on and find someone else. Life with an addict is no life. You are young, but life is short...........you deserve to be happy!

Man, this story sounds oh toooo familiar and so fresh...hell, Im still struggling with all the pain and hurt caused by my exA. I'd say at this point get the hell out, and save and protect your heart. Let her deal with that first then deal with her...