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Dating Someone in Recovery

Old 04-24-2007, 01:04 PM
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Question Dating someone in recovery

I am new to this forum and actually found it by surfing the web for information regarding dating someone in recovery. I am the son of an alcoholic mother and father yet do not have the disease myself. Both of my parents are in recovery and have been sober going on a couple years now. I am 24 and in college living with buddies in an apartment.
I started dating a young lady who goes to school on the other side of the state (about 5 hours away). She is twenty years old and is an alcoholic that has maintained sobriety for a year and a half. Her sobriety is the most important thing in her life and she will not compromise herself or whats best for herself for anyone. We have been togother for four months and decided to take a break for a couple of weeks. She has had a lot of demands placed on her recently and been dealing with a few painful anniverseries. Not to mention the fact its the end of her semester.
I am too much for her to deal with on top of everything else so she needed time.
I care for this woman a lot and things are amazing when we are together and not stressed about other things. I do not want to lose her. But I could not live with the fact that I drove her to drink again, it is the last thing I want to do. Again, I will mention that I somewhat understand how close to death she always is.

Can someone give me some advice?
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:52 PM
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YOU will not drive her to drink. regardless of how busy she is and what she as going on in her life right now, she's going to continually have more and more situations like this to face - such is life! - but would never be your fault if she started to drink again.
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Old 04-24-2007, 02:56 PM
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Welcome to SR, this is the greatest place and glad you found us. I am so happy your parents found recovery.

Sorry, but in my opinion relationships are difficult. The recoverying alcoholic is fragile and may take years to get a good hold on dealing with life on life's terms. Also they can relapse as you know.

You are already walking on eggshells due to your knowledge, if possible I would let this relationship go.

Sometimes recovery is forever full time for some.

This is just my thoughts, Take what you can use and leave the rest.
Caring, understanding hugs.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:00 PM
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Hi.... there you are. I was afraid we were going to loose you in that other post.

Welcome to SR..... I cant give you advice but I can share with you my ES&H...

Have you considered Al-anon or ACoA??? seems that you have alot of Alcoholism following you around in life. I did want to say that...

You can not "drive" her to drink. Your just not that powerful.... if she drinks again or not is entirely up to her. You never have to feel responsible for her soberity.

Stick around, get to know us, read the stickies.... I look forward to getting to know you.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:14 PM
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IMHO a person in recovery should date no one....they have to work on themselves and need no distractions.

My advice for you is consider what you have witnessed growing up. Why would you even consider a relationship with an alcoholic? You do not have that much time invested in this relationship......move on.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:19 PM
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Hi there, mhubb.

Having been in both a long distance relationship and one with an alcoholic (although not recovering), I can say that I would have grave reservations about doing either again, even if the alcoholic was in recovery.

Listen to what she is telling you. She is not ready.

Last edited by minnie; 04-24-2007 at 03:36 PM.
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:33 PM
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Originally Posted by Zoey View Post
Sorry, but in my opinion relationships are difficult. The recoverying alcoholic is fragile and may take years to get a good hold on dealing with life on life's terms. Also they can relapse as you know.

You are already walking on eggshells due to your knowledge, if possible I would let this relationship go.

Sometimes recovery is forever full time for some.
Well said Zoey, thanks for sharing that.

Welcome mhubb, glad you're joining us here.

Alcoholics have so much to process in recovery, even with two years of sobriety I feel like I'm just starting the scratch the surface on dealing with my emotions.

I'm not going to advise you to run in the other direction or say that a relationship definitely won't work, I'll just suggest that you be understanding and let her lead the relationship a little. If she doesn't want it, you can't force it. Al-Anon could be a tremendous help to you in understanding her disease. I attend Al-Anon meetings on occassion in addition to my nightly AA meetings, and I've never left one without a feeling of peace and understanding.

And no, you won't make her drink. If she's as serious about her recovery as you've indicated, she knows that she's the only one responsible for her sobriety.

Best wishes to the both of you.

Scott
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:53 PM
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Question

Thank you all for your insight and suggestons. I have attended Al-anon before and occasionally accompanied my mother to one of her nightly AA meetings. They always provide encouraging and uplifting messages. Not just applicable to sobriety, but to all of life's little curveballs. We began our two weeks of purposeful incommunication on Mon. and I want to be as well prepared as possible to make the most rational decision.

As far as I can remember, there was never a problem of me being codependent with a partner, but, it seems that may be the case now because I'm going a little crazy wondering if I have lost her.

I try and tell myself it's all up to God now and really there is nothing I can do. If she wants to talk to me, she knows how to find me. BUt it's so hard not to worry.

Thanks again everyone for sharing

Matt
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:56 PM
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Hey Minnie

whats sr
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Old 04-24-2007, 03:57 PM
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Well heck try a CoDA meeting while you're at it;-)

Give yourself a pat on the back too. I wish I'd had the sense at your age to do something about my drinking. Pretty cool that you're taking this opportunity to look at yourself and someone you care about.
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Old 04-24-2007, 11:19 PM
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To start... we can't cause others to drink.
If I pick up a drink, it is my doing.

If you are wanting to continue this relationship, you may find Al Anon meetings will give you much understanding of things so you will be better prepared to deal with what ever comes along.
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Old 04-25-2007, 06:19 AM
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Run, run, run and run. Too direct, run!!!! in the other direction. You are too young and sensible to deal with a 3rd..
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Old 04-25-2007, 08:39 AM
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First off, I'm not minnie, but I'll answer...

"SR" = Sober Recovery - this wonderful website you found your way to.

So, I think I can give you some insight on this one, as I'm currently in a relationship with a recovering alcoholic. Search for some of my other posts to see some of the isolated issues I've come up against in this if you please - but here's my thoughts...

My girlfriend is a wonderful, strong, amazing woman. But one of the things I've learned quicker than anything when dealing with her is that she does not know how to show or handle her emotions. She supressed them with her disease for so long that she now views showing her emotions as a sign of weakness.

When she gets overwhelmed with stresses in her life, she just needs her space - and even though at times it can come out of nowhere - even at times when we had plans to go do something - you just HAVE to give it to her. These are all things that, as much as we want to be there for them, they have to face on their own. We can't hold their hands through their recovery - all we can do is be supportive in whatever way they need us to.

But what's even more important than their wants and needs are OUR wants and needs, because if WE aren't okay, then it's not a good relationship for us to be in. I would highly recommend going to Al-Anon more than just "here and there," and make it a regular thing. Growing up around the disease, I'm sure you have a fairly decent handle on how it can affect people - in recovery or not - and can leave you, someone who loves an A, feeling very lonely at times. The biggest thing I've gotten from both Al-Anon and this website is a feeling that I'm NOT alone in my feelings, emotions and struggles that arise because of my relationship with her.

I'm sure everything will work out for you and your gf the way it's supposed to - even if it doesn't seem like it at first. If she's telling you she needs space, then as hard as it may seem to be, it's truly your only option. If the relationship was meant to be, it won't be a permanent thing.
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