SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information

SoberRecovery : Alcoholism Drug Addiction Help and Information (
-   Friends and Family of Alcoholics (
-   -   Should I tell him? (

queenteree 04-24-2007 08:36 AM

Should I tell him?
My grandson's 6th birthday party is this Saturday at 2 p.m. His mother and father let us know last week and my son asked me in private this past Saturday if I would please ask my AH not to drink and/or show up drunk at the party. My AH works on the weekends till 12 or so, and ALWAYS drinks with the guys while working. He is drunk every weekend. I was thinking, AH won't even remember that there is a party (hasn't mentioned it) since he forgets everything two minutes after it's said (really), so I was thinking of leaving before he gets home and going to the party without him and just not telling him. This is something my gut tells me to do because we all know we can't trust them not to drink and/or get drunk, especially if we ASK them not to. I don't care if AH finds out and gets mad (and he doesn't know how to get to my son's house), but I don't want my grown kids to think I'm to blame for him not coming. I feel this is in everyone's best interest. What's your opinion?

parentrecovers 04-24-2007 08:39 AM

i'd go without him. whether or not you TELL him, don't know. it's a tough one. will he crash it? my ex used to get drunk and crash events. so that always comes to mind in these situations..blessings, k

LIFEOUTTHERE 04-24-2007 08:51 AM

This is your grandson's day, It is about him, you do what is best for HIM, not the alcoholic.

Cynay 04-24-2007 08:53 AM

You know....

I might have to ask my son to ask his Father not to show up drinking/drunk. That is his boundry not yours and this puts you in an ackward situation.

That being said, I know it is easier said then done. Im not sure how I would handle that... but one thing I do know, being honest does not come back to bite me in the bum as much as the web we weave does.

minnie 04-24-2007 09:03 AM

I agree. Shame that your son feels that it is your job to stop his father drinking or making an ass of himself.

That said, I don't see how you have any duty to mention it to your hubby. Surely this is the kind of thing he ought to know or remember and if he finds out after the event, then that's just a consequence of his drinking. He's an adult, isn't he? Then he should be able to organise his own social diary and committments.

You enjoy yourself, hon, and give your GS a big SR hug from all of us.

denny57 04-24-2007 09:07 AM

I agree, it's your son's place to say it to your husband. Who knows, might have an impact.

My mother's best friend is married to an alcoholic. At 77 years old, she still just goes to everything by herself. Many times she does not tell him where she is going. She also has not gone to many events, and is very bitter about that.

Hope your GS has a great day!

Graham Serious 04-24-2007 09:16 AM

Unless he is sober, which he hasn't been for a long time by the sounds of things, he does not deserve to know

Rella927 04-24-2007 09:34 AM

I agree with the fact that it is your son's boundary that needs to be made. It is not your fault your AH drinks or his but it is his party for his son!

And as Cynay said to lie it will come back and haunt you! Look at what the A's do to themselves-you are better than that.

Put your foot down and turn it back over-

HolyQow 04-24-2007 10:58 AM

I've been thinking about stuff like this for awhile...since every occassion has been ruined by AH. My son will be turning 5 in a few months. Every picture of AH for the kid's birthdays, is AH standing there holding a beer can....I am going to insist that this time, it will be a KIDS party, which means no alcohol. If AH can't handle that, he is welcome to go somewhere else to drink. (and I don't mean hide in the garage!)

No it's not your responsibility to tell AH....sad when we have to draw straws to see who has to be the one to deal with them huh? I am all for confronting him, telling him he is invited if he is sober that day, his choice at that point.

queenteree 04-24-2007 11:38 AM

You see, lesson learned with my AH is that 1) I/we can welcome him at the party sober - he would not listen, would get drunk anyway and say he "hasn't done anything wrong" and insist he is not drunk even though he'll be slurring and stumbling over, then a whole argument will ensue and 2) my kids, even though grown, don't like to say anything to him about his drinking cause he'll go on a roll forever and it doesn't get anywhere except upsets them, then when they leave, he'll go on and on to me (and he wouldn't listen to them anyway, he'd proceed the same was as above, insisting he's not drunk, etc.). We all know alcoholics like to run the show and have their way, so he will proceed to the party, drunk as a skunk, and not give a crap who says he's not welcome. Then my daughter in law will be embarassed in front of her family, not to mention my grandson will be upset. Just like one day when I actually leave him, I will have all my ducks in a row, and just leave without even saying goodbye or giving him the option to get sober. It wouldn't work anyway.

stillsearching 04-24-2007 11:49 AM

I say go by yourself, that way you won't have to dread this whole week thinking about it coming up..

WantsOut 04-24-2007 11:59 AM

I'd go alone and if AH asked why he wasn't invited/wasn't brought along/etc. I'd tell him it's cause he's such a drunken jackass that even children don't want to be in his drunken presence.

But that's just me :)

cautious 04-24-2007 12:40 PM

I'm with WantsOut on this one--if he wants to know why he was left out, tell him. Consequences 101.

atalose 04-24-2007 01:09 PM

I agree, this is your sons boundary not yours to handle. I'm sure your son doesn't understand the position he has put you in. Have you or any of your children attended alanon? I would think your adult children are well aware of dad and his drinking so why would you feel they would blame you if he doesn't show up. If he asks after the fact, the truth is always the best route to take.

queenteree 04-24-2007 01:52 PM

They actually used to think I was too hard on him or I was over-reacting, now they are able to see. My AH has been on my other son's butt to get his car out of our driveway (my kids don't live with us - they are 28, 25 and 24). Three mos. ago, AH told him he could leave it there no problem. Anyway, I e-mailed son today to tell him AH wanted it out of there. Son told me AH had tried to call him all weekend, but he knew he was drunk so he didn't pick up. He also said "my, he changes his mind quite frequently doesn't he", and that he feels bad for me to live with that everyday. See, my kids don't even really want to talk to him. And no, none of us have been to Alanon. Maybe I should suggest it to them.

Pick-a-name 04-24-2007 03:47 PM

Originally Posted by queenteree (Post 1303679)
I was thinking, AH won't even remember that there is a party (hasn't mentioned it) since he forgets everything two minutes after it's said.....

...unless he is like my exAH! The things I count on or hope he will forget seem to be the things he DOES remember. The other stuff...HUH?,What? you never told me,etc. Those things he fogets! UGH!

Good luck (maybe son will mention it since it's his party and idea) and I hope you and the birthday-boy (and the rest!) all enjoy a great time!

mama2sunshine 04-24-2007 04:03 PM

I really feel for you. I have begun to pretty much go everywhere without my alcoholic partner. He ruined my daugher's first birthday party this past january. It broke my heart. Plus I worried about the birthday party (and his being drunk through it) all the whole week leading up to it. Next year I plan to have her birthday party during the week while he is at work. I am trying to avoid allowing him to ruin important days with his drinking. I don't want my little one to grow up with these memories. Good luck to you. I would agree with those who said to go alone and then tell him why if he asks.

Sunflower 04-24-2007 06:09 PM

Let your son handle this one-what a spot to put you in!
My sister in law pulled this when my son was still drinking--Invited everyone but didn't want my son to come--I was pissed-I told her -you tell him I am he never drank at kids parties ever or made scenes ever and his little cousin worships him--which has always been a positive thing for my son--I found it interesting that there are 2 alcoholics who make scenes every holiday etc that she did invite!!!!!!
I did not go-none of us did.

queenteree 04-25-2007 09:45 AM

Last night my son came to get his car. I told him not to say anything about the party on Sat. I said I wasn't telling AH and I was coming alone. My son said "maybe that would be best." My other son (grandson's father) was there also, and I told him the same thing, he said "OK, that's a good idea" What a shame when your own kids really think it's a good idea not to tell you or have you around. I actually thought I'd never see the day! When my older son saw AH last night he said to him "so how's that having beers only once in a while coming along, still doing it that way?" AH just looked and walked away. My son never spoke up like that. Strange.

Tazman53 04-25-2007 10:27 AM

Well the old alkie will throw his 2 cents worth in on this, I have 3 kids grown and out of the house & 5 grandkids, while I was drinking I rarely got an invite to anything at thier houses, and on rare occasions they would come see my wife and I.

Now that I am sober they want me to come over all the time and they come to my place as well.

They did not want thier children, my grand children exposed to a drunk!

They love thier children more then they love a drunk old man and that is the way it should be!

Any parent or grand parent who exposes their children or grand children to a drunk needs to re-examine their priorities.

I am an alcoholic and it is one thing in my opinion if some one wants to put their self through the hell of living with a drunk and a whole different ball of wax when they expose thier children/grand children to a drunk.

If my wife was a practicing alcoholic and would not quit permantly I would dump her like a hot potato because I would want my home to be a place my kids and grand kids could visit and not have life long memories of a drunk parent or grand parent. In other words I would put my children and grandchildren ahead of the drunk in a heart beat.

All times are GMT -7. The time now is 04:16 AM.