Coping with Anger and Resentment
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Join Date: Dec 2006
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Coping with Anger and Resentment
I did it. I told him I wanted a trial separation of at least 6 months and now that plan is underway. Problem is, now I feel even more anger and resentment!!! As a stay-at-home Mom for three years, now I HAVE TO go back to work. Work isn't that bad, I had a career before and managed just fine, but now I feel like I'm not going back on "my terms". Yet, I finally reached that breaking point and I just will not take it anymore!!! My daughter and I deserve better!!!
I hate feeling "trapped" like Mama2Sunshine just wrote about. You just want to be so strong and just get out like you know you really should, but you feel so tied... financially and emotionally (especially with a child involved). And, I don't want to be the "girl who cried wolf" -- I'm leaving if you... (BLANK) and then not following through.
How do you work at overcoming the resentment and anger? I am pissed off. I am stuck finding a rental home, seeking daycare options (when personally, I would rather raise her at home while she's still little), trying to sell our current home (which has been on the market for three, long months), and finding a job. He's still in the house for another few weeks before moving out and I just cannot act like everything's honkey dorey.
And like Mama2Sunshine said, we get stuck with all the childcare stuff. There's resentment there for me. I wanted a partner in all this who was SHARING the responsibility... not shirking it.
And, I just feel like when I finally do get on my feet, new home, daycare lined up, routine in place... why would I take him back in????????????? I have no good feelings left about him. Only pain, dishonesty and mistrust.
Thanks for letting me vent. Yes, I know I need an Al-Anon meeting. I'm definitely far from peace!!! Tell me it gets easier. Tell me I can do this.
TroubledNC
I hate feeling "trapped" like Mama2Sunshine just wrote about. You just want to be so strong and just get out like you know you really should, but you feel so tied... financially and emotionally (especially with a child involved). And, I don't want to be the "girl who cried wolf" -- I'm leaving if you... (BLANK) and then not following through.
How do you work at overcoming the resentment and anger? I am pissed off. I am stuck finding a rental home, seeking daycare options (when personally, I would rather raise her at home while she's still little), trying to sell our current home (which has been on the market for three, long months), and finding a job. He's still in the house for another few weeks before moving out and I just cannot act like everything's honkey dorey.
And like Mama2Sunshine said, we get stuck with all the childcare stuff. There's resentment there for me. I wanted a partner in all this who was SHARING the responsibility... not shirking it.
And, I just feel like when I finally do get on my feet, new home, daycare lined up, routine in place... why would I take him back in????????????? I have no good feelings left about him. Only pain, dishonesty and mistrust.
Thanks for letting me vent. Yes, I know I need an Al-Anon meeting. I'm definitely far from peace!!! Tell me it gets easier. Tell me I can do this.
TroubledNC
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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I sooooo remember feeling just like you do when I made the decision to leave my ex-AH....
I promise it gets better, but it takes alot of work so you do not get stuck in those feelings. Please, Please dont get stuck. I have friends that are still feeling that 18 years later.
Lets start with this..... You are in control... You are the one that made the decision that enough is enough. You are the one taking action, you are the one that has decided you and your child deserve better... . sounds like you have taken control.
I know this is not how you planned it... I still struggle at times with that myself. This is not the life I planned, nor the life I would have choosen.... I have to remember though... Life is what is happening while Im making other plans and to be honest Im not at all sure God is listening to how Im telling him to manage my life. What I can tell you is that I left my daughters father just before she was 2 years old, I have basically been a single parent sense then and she is now almost 18.
You know what .... I spent the weekend having a heart to heart with my daughter who is graduating next month. OMG ... she is the most beautiful person I have ever met.... She is everything I ever dreamed she would be when I held her at 2 scared to death because I would have to do it alone.
She would not be who she is today if my life did not happen exactally as it did.... Im so blessed that God knew what I was doing.
I promise it gets better, but it takes alot of work so you do not get stuck in those feelings. Please, Please dont get stuck. I have friends that are still feeling that 18 years later.
Lets start with this..... You are in control... You are the one that made the decision that enough is enough. You are the one taking action, you are the one that has decided you and your child deserve better... . sounds like you have taken control.
I know this is not how you planned it... I still struggle at times with that myself. This is not the life I planned, nor the life I would have choosen.... I have to remember though... Life is what is happening while Im making other plans and to be honest Im not at all sure God is listening to how Im telling him to manage my life. What I can tell you is that I left my daughters father just before she was 2 years old, I have basically been a single parent sense then and she is now almost 18.
You know what .... I spent the weekend having a heart to heart with my daughter who is graduating next month. OMG ... she is the most beautiful person I have ever met.... She is everything I ever dreamed she would be when I held her at 2 scared to death because I would have to do it alone.
She would not be who she is today if my life did not happen exactally as it did.... Im so blessed that God knew what I was doing.
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Originally Posted by TroubledNC 
How do you work at overcoming the resentment and anger?
You're already paying the price, why not reach out and take the help that's freely offered to you?
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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Originally Posted by Cynay
You know what .... I spent the weekend having a heart to heart with my daughter who is graduating next month. OMG ... she is the most beautiful person I have ever met.... She is everything I ever dreamed she would be when I held her at 2 scared to death because I would have to do it alone.
She would not be who she is today if my life did not happen exactally as it did.... Im so blessed that God knew what I was doing.
She would not be who she is today if my life did not happen exactally as it did.... Im so blessed that God knew what I was doing.
aw, cynay, that brought a tear to my eye!
but you're exactly right. everything happens for a reason, whether it's to benefit you or someone you love and want the best for. i'm sure no one here would have chosen the path we ended up on, but we'll all come out on the other side, even you Troubled!
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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yes that story was terrific---but she is one of the lucky ones--my son ended up worse off than the ''father'' I took him away from at 2 years old-even though they never saw each other again--and I raised him the best I could--maybe I am not a good enough mother---he always used to say''look at me-you made me this way--see what you have done?" still sticks in my brain to this day.
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for me, it was a process. just like grieving for a death of a loved one.
after grieving for several years, being angry and resentful, i realized i was stuck. and was behaving no differantly than the alcoholic who quits drinking but does not work a program.
how alike i was with all that i despised from the alcoholic in my life!
i went to al-anon, and got a huge wake-up call.....i'm a little more unstuck than i used to be, but still insist on getting out the super glue once in a while for a good ole stickin to the stinkin thinkin of my really, really, really stuck days.
much love to you
jeri
after grieving for several years, being angry and resentful, i realized i was stuck. and was behaving no differantly than the alcoholic who quits drinking but does not work a program.
how alike i was with all that i despised from the alcoholic in my life!
i went to al-anon, and got a huge wake-up call.....i'm a little more unstuck than i used to be, but still insist on getting out the super glue once in a while for a good ole stickin to the stinkin thinkin of my really, really, really stuck days.
much love to you
jeri
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Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
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Sun... God is not done yet.
You dont know today what your son will become.... maybe he just needs to reach a different depth then you think so that when he comes out of this he can help a person who is soooo much sicker then we could imagine... maybe he is an example to another person.... See we just dont know.
It was not about you, my daughter told me this weekend how she would do things differently, that she never wanted to have a life like mine. How she would do things so much different.... she brough me to my knees to be honest.... it hurt so much hearing that... what it said to me is that I was her bad example, not her hero. We just do the best we can with what we have to work with at that time.... and that is the best we can do.
You dont know today what your son will become.... maybe he just needs to reach a different depth then you think so that when he comes out of this he can help a person who is soooo much sicker then we could imagine... maybe he is an example to another person.... See we just dont know.
It was not about you, my daughter told me this weekend how she would do things differently, that she never wanted to have a life like mine. How she would do things so much different.... she brough me to my knees to be honest.... it hurt so much hearing that... what it said to me is that I was her bad example, not her hero. We just do the best we can with what we have to work with at that time.... and that is the best we can do.
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Originally Posted by TroubledNC
I did it. I told him I wanted a trial separation of at least 6 months and now that plan is underway.
TroubledNC
TroubledNC
15 years ago -- before I started drinking heavily -- my SO asked for a trial separation. She had no good answer to my question of what's the purpose, so I left first.
We definately had problems in our relationship, and I certainly played my part in that, but there is no way a "trial" separation would have helped those problems, so I simply ended the relationship.
I certainly am in no position to judge your relationship, but I would suggest if you are going to leave, then leave. For good. Do not put the words "trial" and "at least 6 months" in the conversation, all you are doing is keeping yourself from moving on.
Finally (and I will get off you case after this) what does "the plan is underway" mean? Other than physically moving, what is there to do?
IMHO you have zero intention of leaving, trial or otherwise.
Sorry if I jumped on you too much, but I had to respond to this.
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Woww.......
I Also did the trial seperation and I have to beg to differ.... it was the best possible plan of action to take at that time.
What it gave us was time... the time we needed seperate from each other to look at things more clearly, without the demand that the relationship end... I also totally understand "the plan is underway" too.... it takes time to unravel your living/life from another person. I had to find a place to live, make different arrangements for my daughters care, change my work schedule to work around the new life style... God you name it ... I have to change it.
In the end of 6 months... my husband and I came to understand that we were better seperate then together, we were able to part with a better feeling and without so much anger... we did give ourselves time to think it over and come to the answers without making a hasty decision we would both regret because of taking action out of anger.... when our 6/7 months was up we made the decisions out of a choice to act.... not out of reaction.
It worked for us... all I can go on is my own experience.
I Also did the trial seperation and I have to beg to differ.... it was the best possible plan of action to take at that time.
What it gave us was time... the time we needed seperate from each other to look at things more clearly, without the demand that the relationship end... I also totally understand "the plan is underway" too.... it takes time to unravel your living/life from another person. I had to find a place to live, make different arrangements for my daughters care, change my work schedule to work around the new life style... God you name it ... I have to change it.
In the end of 6 months... my husband and I came to understand that we were better seperate then together, we were able to part with a better feeling and without so much anger... we did give ourselves time to think it over and come to the answers without making a hasty decision we would both regret because of taking action out of anger.... when our 6/7 months was up we made the decisions out of a choice to act.... not out of reaction.
It worked for us... all I can go on is my own experience.
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Well, when we marry we intentionally tie ourself to someone so getting out of it means undoing all of that. It sounds like you are being introduced to the realities of singlehood and all that goes with it.
The anger goes when you make a plan based ont he reality of the situation.
Think about how much energy it takes to be angry. You don't have that kind of energy to spend on anger.
Yes, you will face interesting situations oin single parenting and single incoming.
I can promise you this, nothing will feel so good in relying on yourself and creating a life no one can take away.
I think peace comes when you start with the cold reality of looking at just where you are at and making a plan.
I'm afraid that if you rely on someone else for money or helping you parent, you will continue to resent their deficits.
You can do it, you can do it alone.
He can't get out of paying support even if it builds in arrears.
You had a job once, you can get one again.
Whatever you have to live without is far more precious than what you were living with.
What will live in you is what you feed. What you don't feed will die. Out of all the things you could be, don't pick anger.
You can do it, it's hard but it's wonderful. Is it really anger or is it fear, maybe some of each.
The anger goes when you make a plan based ont he reality of the situation.
Think about how much energy it takes to be angry. You don't have that kind of energy to spend on anger.
Yes, you will face interesting situations oin single parenting and single incoming.
I can promise you this, nothing will feel so good in relying on yourself and creating a life no one can take away.
I think peace comes when you start with the cold reality of looking at just where you are at and making a plan.
I'm afraid that if you rely on someone else for money or helping you parent, you will continue to resent their deficits.
You can do it, you can do it alone.
He can't get out of paying support even if it builds in arrears.
You had a job once, you can get one again.
Whatever you have to live without is far more precious than what you were living with.
What will live in you is what you feed. What you don't feed will die. Out of all the things you could be, don't pick anger.
You can do it, it's hard but it's wonderful. Is it really anger or is it fear, maybe some of each.
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I can't respond any better than Cynay. That's how I am feeling. With a daughter involved, the last thing I want to do is be hasty and act out of pure emotion. And, I do not feel that separation will have to lead to divorce, but it might. That time will give us both time to work on ourselves and not be caught up in hightened emotions and tensions during recovery -- and to not subject our daughter to that.
I guess this brings up another question for me, though. How many have separated from their alcoholic spouse and then gotten back together? How many have called it quits after separation? I know it is different for everyone.
Troubled
I guess this brings up another question for me, though. How many have separated from their alcoholic spouse and then gotten back together? How many have called it quits after separation? I know it is different for everyone.
Troubled
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We did not get back together..... we ended up divorced and to be quite honest I spent way too much of my daughters young life being angry and bittler with her father.
But it did not take me long to see the difference and how toxic we were for each other... At that time I dont think it would have mattered if he got sober or not, I was done.... the feelings were gone. I am really glad though that I took the time to make the decisions I did out of a peaceful and calm place rather then the crazy persons that I was when I first moved out.
But it did not take me long to see the difference and how toxic we were for each other... At that time I dont think it would have mattered if he got sober or not, I was done.... the feelings were gone. I am really glad though that I took the time to make the decisions I did out of a peaceful and calm place rather then the crazy persons that I was when I first moved out.
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Hi troubled, god it is hard isn't it? Listen you look after you. End of story really, damn it is hard but he is just dragging you down. I have been the dragger before, you need to shake us off. Keep fighting hun. 
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Hi Everyone! Thanks for your wonderful responses!
You will never believe this... some good news. Crazy, but REALLY GOOD!!! First of all, I am seeking an alternate place to live with our daughter. We were building a home in this great 600-home neighborhood and when this all went down with AH, we had little choice but to back out of the contract (more resentment!).
I was heart-broken b/c the neighborhood is so chock full of young kids -- big pool with waterslide, clubhouse, fenced in playground, the works! Anyway, today I put a deposit down on the ONE and ONLY townhouse that was available to RENT in this neighborhood and the rent is only $950 for a 2-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath with hardwoods, plantation shutters, cherry cabinets, stainless steel fridge, washer/dryer, 1 1/2 car garage!!!! I am thrilled! Plus, we will still have use of all the neighborhood amenities! Yeah!!! Thank you, God! What a find! There is someone really looking out for us, I feel it now.
Then, I am facing job interviews and am several sizes smaller than I was three years ago when I was working. I don't eat when I am stressed -- LOL! So, I went to Kohl's and found this darling suitcoat in just my size on the clearance rack for $12!!! (reg. $60!). The pants that matched it were BOGO free, so I got a pair to match the jacket and some khaki dress pants. Ready to interview!
THEN... to top off the stroke of good luck (AMEN!), I got an immediate call back on a resume I submitted this morning. They want to meet to discuss opportunities with me!!!
Thanks for all your prayers. I feel off and running! Now, I'm just trying to take it one little bit at a time b/c my lease begins in two weeks! I'll keep ya posted.
Not Troubled Today
You will never believe this... some good news. Crazy, but REALLY GOOD!!! First of all, I am seeking an alternate place to live with our daughter. We were building a home in this great 600-home neighborhood and when this all went down with AH, we had little choice but to back out of the contract (more resentment!).
I was heart-broken b/c the neighborhood is so chock full of young kids -- big pool with waterslide, clubhouse, fenced in playground, the works! Anyway, today I put a deposit down on the ONE and ONLY townhouse that was available to RENT in this neighborhood and the rent is only $950 for a 2-bedroom, 2 1/2 bath with hardwoods, plantation shutters, cherry cabinets, stainless steel fridge, washer/dryer, 1 1/2 car garage!!!! I am thrilled! Plus, we will still have use of all the neighborhood amenities! Yeah!!! Thank you, God! What a find! There is someone really looking out for us, I feel it now.
Then, I am facing job interviews and am several sizes smaller than I was three years ago when I was working. I don't eat when I am stressed -- LOL! So, I went to Kohl's and found this darling suitcoat in just my size on the clearance rack for $12!!! (reg. $60!). The pants that matched it were BOGO free, so I got a pair to match the jacket and some khaki dress pants. Ready to interview!
THEN... to top off the stroke of good luck (AMEN!), I got an immediate call back on a resume I submitted this morning. They want to meet to discuss opportunities with me!!!
Thanks for all your prayers. I feel off and running! Now, I'm just trying to take it one little bit at a time b/c my lease begins in two weeks! I'll keep ya posted.
Not Troubled Today
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Join Date: Feb 2007
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cynay--I took what you said about your daughter as if she thought you were the BEST! You must have been hurt badly--everything she would have done differently?Someday she will think back and realize how wrong she is--but that comes with time.
Well you Are one of the best for me!!! You hold me together when I am falling apart--which is often it seems!!!
I don't know what will become of my sons life-maybe you are right-and it will all turn out positive!
Well you Are one of the best for me!!! You hold me together when I am falling apart--which is often it seems!!!
I don't know what will become of my sons life-maybe you are right-and it will all turn out positive!
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