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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
new here
hello all
don't know if this is the right place for an intro but here I am. My partner of 9 years is an alcoholic. I used to drink with him but I quit when I got pregnant with our daughter. He drank heavily all through my pregnancy and in the early days of my dd's life. She is now 15 months old, a perfect, precious child. The drinking has slowed down some but still happens pretty consistently. He lies all the time. He told he he quit drinking when dd was 2 months old but I have caught him drinking out of a bottle in the car, in the pantry, ect . . . Each time I threaten to leave and take dd with me and he says it will never happen again. He went to one AA meeting and refused to go to anymore saying "I am not like those people". Last night he came home trashed again. He stank of liquor and stumble and slurred. This means he drove home drunk. Of course he told me he didn't drink. He passed out in bed at 5 o clock. I had been caring for dd all weekend. I get no help from him with taking care of her. I cannot trust him with her to go take a walk myself or shower without her. I am exhausted. The lying kills me. He is extremely verbally and emotional abusive to me when he drinks. I would say he is abusive to dd too because he stomps around, slams doors, bellows at me while she is trying to sleep/nurse, ect . . . My poor baby girl. I hate myself for keeping her in this situation. She deserves a sober, responsible father. She deserves everything. I cannot leave. I keep threatening to leave if he drinks again and then he does drink and I still don't leave. I took that quiz in the sticky and all of the questions applied to me. we have no friends as in other couples that we do things with because I am embarrassed of how my partner acts around people when he drinks. I am at the end of my rope. I feel trapped. I feel like hurting myself often but I don't know why exactly. I am so angry at myself for exposing my baby to this monster who I love.
well, that was quite an intro....
don't know if this is the right place for an intro but here I am. My partner of 9 years is an alcoholic. I used to drink with him but I quit when I got pregnant with our daughter. He drank heavily all through my pregnancy and in the early days of my dd's life. She is now 15 months old, a perfect, precious child. The drinking has slowed down some but still happens pretty consistently. He lies all the time. He told he he quit drinking when dd was 2 months old but I have caught him drinking out of a bottle in the car, in the pantry, ect . . . Each time I threaten to leave and take dd with me and he says it will never happen again. He went to one AA meeting and refused to go to anymore saying "I am not like those people". Last night he came home trashed again. He stank of liquor and stumble and slurred. This means he drove home drunk. Of course he told me he didn't drink. He passed out in bed at 5 o clock. I had been caring for dd all weekend. I get no help from him with taking care of her. I cannot trust him with her to go take a walk myself or shower without her. I am exhausted. The lying kills me. He is extremely verbally and emotional abusive to me when he drinks. I would say he is abusive to dd too because he stomps around, slams doors, bellows at me while she is trying to sleep/nurse, ect . . . My poor baby girl. I hate myself for keeping her in this situation. She deserves a sober, responsible father. She deserves everything. I cannot leave. I keep threatening to leave if he drinks again and then he does drink and I still don't leave. I took that quiz in the sticky and all of the questions applied to me. we have no friends as in other couples that we do things with because I am embarrassed of how my partner acts around people when he drinks. I am at the end of my rope. I feel trapped. I feel like hurting myself often but I don't know why exactly. I am so angry at myself for exposing my baby to this monster who I love.
well, that was quite an intro....
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 792
welcome 
it sounds to me like your husband (are you married?) doesn't think he has a drinking problem, and won't stop until he does. i'd worry about your safety and the safety of your child. you're right, this isn't an environment that you'd want to raise a child in... you need to think about what's fair for both of you in the long run.
you say you make threats but can't follow through on them. that's the hardest part to do. it's so easy to set up boundaries, but it's terrible to not have the strength to act on what you say - especially because it continually shows them over and over that you're not going anywhere.
please think about yourself and your daughter. it doesn't sound like you're in a safe situation to me.
it sounds to me like your husband (are you married?) doesn't think he has a drinking problem, and won't stop until he does. i'd worry about your safety and the safety of your child. you're right, this isn't an environment that you'd want to raise a child in... you need to think about what's fair for both of you in the long run.
you say you make threats but can't follow through on them. that's the hardest part to do. it's so easy to set up boundaries, but it's terrible to not have the strength to act on what you say - especially because it continually shows them over and over that you're not going anywhere.
please think about yourself and your daughter. it doesn't sound like you're in a safe situation to me.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Welcome to SR Mama2sunshine. Glad you found us.
I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain, but when you read around the threads here, you'll realize that you are not alone in your feelings.
Have you given any thought to attending some Alanon meetings in your area? I think it would be a great step for you to meet with other's face to face in addition to coming here.
Just keep on reading the threads/stickies, and keep coming back.
I'm sorry this is causing you so much pain, but when you read around the threads here, you'll realize that you are not alone in your feelings.
Have you given any thought to attending some Alanon meetings in your area? I think it would be a great step for you to meet with other's face to face in addition to coming here.
Just keep on reading the threads/stickies, and keep coming back.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
we are not married. he wants me to marry him but I will not unless the drinking and lying stop. I feel it will be easier to leave someday with my daughter if we are not married.
I know we are in a bad situation. I can't seem to leave. Nobody, (irl) knows the extent of the problem. I leave the house when he is drunk. Me and dd go to the park, to a friends house. If we can't leave, like at night. I lock us in the bedroom and we read books and play. I try to act happy for her, I try to make life good for her.
When he is not drinking he will sometimes admit that he has a problem with alcohol but he says he "knows what he needs to do" to fix it himself.
I am going to try an al-anon meeting this week. I am not going to leave right now. There are reasons to stay most importantly the fact that if I did leave, he could get some visitation/custoday of dd. He might be allowed time alone with her and that would be dangerous. I do not trust him not to drink. He works a decent job which allows me to stay home with dd. That is very important to me - to be with her. It is easy to just tell me to leave . . . but there are so many factors to consider.
I need help to figure out how to change my behavior. I am obssessed with his drinking. I think and worry about it constently. I cannot be at peace.
I know we are in a bad situation. I can't seem to leave. Nobody, (irl) knows the extent of the problem. I leave the house when he is drunk. Me and dd go to the park, to a friends house. If we can't leave, like at night. I lock us in the bedroom and we read books and play. I try to act happy for her, I try to make life good for her.
When he is not drinking he will sometimes admit that he has a problem with alcohol but he says he "knows what he needs to do" to fix it himself.
I am going to try an al-anon meeting this week. I am not going to leave right now. There are reasons to stay most importantly the fact that if I did leave, he could get some visitation/custoday of dd. He might be allowed time alone with her and that would be dangerous. I do not trust him not to drink. He works a decent job which allows me to stay home with dd. That is very important to me - to be with her. It is easy to just tell me to leave . . . but there are so many factors to consider.
I need help to figure out how to change my behavior. I am obssessed with his drinking. I think and worry about it constently. I cannot be at peace.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Posts: 1,358
Originally Posted by mama2sunshine 
I am not going to leave right now. There are reasons to stay most importantly the fact that if I did leave, he could get some visitation/custoday of dd. He might be allowed time alone with her and that would be dangerous. I do not trust him not to drink.
It is easy to just tell me to leave . . . but there are so many factors to consider.
It is easy to just tell me to leave . . . but there are so many factors to consider.
You need to do what's best for you and your daughter, and no one knows better than you just what your situation, and him, are truly like.
When you look at the stickies at the top of the forum, check out the ones on abuse....just to become a little more familiar with them. There's also phone numbers that you should have handy for domestic violence. I'm not saying you will need them, but it's good to be aware of them, just in case. The fact that you need to lock you and your daughter in your room speaks to me.
Keep coming back.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Welcome to SR.... glad you found us.
You dont have to leave, that is a personal choice only you can make when you are ready hon... I too suggest Al-anon, it will give you the tools you are going to need to live with your alcoholic and it will give you a fellowship that really knows what your going through.
Just a little bit to think about.... Im an adult child of a raging Alcoholic Mother... My father did not leave for fear of not getting custody of us as well, but this is along time ago and he would not have gotten the 3 of us... But Im here to tell you that living in that enviroment had its effects... regardless of how much my father "tried" to sheild us. I just wanted you to know that though Im sure you do your best to sheild her... there is still an effect, dont beat yourself up about any of it.... just be aware.
You dont have to leave, that is a personal choice only you can make when you are ready hon... I too suggest Al-anon, it will give you the tools you are going to need to live with your alcoholic and it will give you a fellowship that really knows what your going through.
Just a little bit to think about.... Im an adult child of a raging Alcoholic Mother... My father did not leave for fear of not getting custody of us as well, but this is along time ago and he would not have gotten the 3 of us... But Im here to tell you that living in that enviroment had its effects... regardless of how much my father "tried" to sheild us. I just wanted you to know that though Im sure you do your best to sheild her... there is still an effect, dont beat yourself up about any of it.... just be aware.
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I couldn't find peace until I ended my relationship with my alcoholic boyfriend. Being a stay-at-home mom is a nice perk, but not at the cost of leaving you defenseless and having to raise your daughter in an alcoholic home. Take a look around the Adult Children of Alcoholics forum to get an inside look at the damage alcoholism does to children who live with alcoholic parents. You can't shield your daughter from your partner's alcoholism with painted-on smiles and false laughter. Perhaps it's time to think about going back to work and establishing a career for yourself. That way you will no longer be dependent on him and you and your daughter can live the life you choose. One that's free from the effects of alcoholism.
I wouldn't worry too much about your partner seeking joint custody or even unsupervised visitation. He's too involved with his drinking to be thinking about anything else. The only reason you're stuck in this mess is because you've chosen to be stuck. You can make new choices.
I wouldn't worry too much about your partner seeking joint custody or even unsupervised visitation. He's too involved with his drinking to be thinking about anything else. The only reason you're stuck in this mess is because you've chosen to be stuck. You can make new choices.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Jacksonville, FL
Posts: 240
Sorry you are going through this. We all know from experience how alone, frustrated and even hopeless you are feeling right now. I am right there with you with my own AH. I lived with this "secret" for many, many years. It has really helped me to open up here and attend Al-Anon meetings. You need to let this out, to vent, or you'll drive yourself crazy. I have also isolated myself from friends and family (when my AH is around) out of fear/embarassement of what he'll do / if he'll drink. It's a lonely life. A lonely marriage/relationship, no friends, etc.
I highly recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - It really opened my eyes to how insane **I** had become with regard to my husband's drinking.
I know it sounds easier said than done, but you need to focus on you and your daughter. I understand that you may not be ready to leave this relationship yet, for various reasons. I have not left my husband yet either. Forget him and his drinking. Stop with the threats, especially if you don't follow through with them. At this point, he doesn't believe that you'll leave him anyway. You're just wasting your breath.
This is a hard life. You and your daughter deserve better.
I highly recommend the book Codependent No More by Melody Beattie - It really opened my eyes to how insane **I** had become with regard to my husband's drinking.
I know it sounds easier said than done, but you need to focus on you and your daughter. I understand that you may not be ready to leave this relationship yet, for various reasons. I have not left my husband yet either. Forget him and his drinking. Stop with the threats, especially if you don't follow through with them. At this point, he doesn't believe that you'll leave him anyway. You're just wasting your breath.
This is a hard life. You and your daughter deserve better.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
thank you for all the help and support everyone. I'm glad I found this place. He makes me sick right now, he really does. He has me (a great partner if I say so myself) and a beautiful, beautiful, child. We are in a much better place financially then we have ever been. He has a good job with a future. Alcohol could cause him to lose all of this. Why risk it? I feel like he does not care about us enough to change.
I am sick and tired of being a punching bag. I DON'T mean physically, I mean verbally and emotionally. When I tell him he needs to stop drinking he brings up things from the my past that I regret - drinking, drug use, being a stripper, - I've change all that now, since having my little one. I've changed my whole life for her and I don't know why he can't do the same. He uses the things in my past against me, saying I'm a hipocrite for criticizing his drinking when I have done this, and this, and this . . . but I have stopped.
I actually feel violent towards him. I have never written that or admited that before. But when he stumbled in last night (after I took care of dd alone all week and weekend with no help) and collapsed on the bed that me and dd sleep on I really wanted to kick him hard in the head. I feel such hate towards him for doing this to us.
And the embarrassment. I am so embarrassed .. . A few of my close friends know that he is an alcoholic but I never bring it up or talk to them about it. I am so resentful hearing about their nice, calm, husbands who watch movies with them. Who take care of the kids so that the mom can go out for coffee or take a bath.
I hope it's okay that I am ranting and raving like this. . . .
I am sick and tired of being a punching bag. I DON'T mean physically, I mean verbally and emotionally. When I tell him he needs to stop drinking he brings up things from the my past that I regret - drinking, drug use, being a stripper, - I've change all that now, since having my little one. I've changed my whole life for her and I don't know why he can't do the same. He uses the things in my past against me, saying I'm a hipocrite for criticizing his drinking when I have done this, and this, and this . . . but I have stopped.
I actually feel violent towards him. I have never written that or admited that before. But when he stumbled in last night (after I took care of dd alone all week and weekend with no help) and collapsed on the bed that me and dd sleep on I really wanted to kick him hard in the head. I feel such hate towards him for doing this to us.
And the embarrassment. I am so embarrassed .. . A few of my close friends know that he is an alcoholic but I never bring it up or talk to them about it. I am so resentful hearing about their nice, calm, husbands who watch movies with them. Who take care of the kids so that the mom can go out for coffee or take a bath.
I hope it's okay that I am ranting and raving like this. . . .
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
welcome mama2, glad you're here!
Al-Anon really helped me and I hope it does the same for you. I think I would start writing down his behavior so you have a log when it comes to any custody matters. Simple notations is all it takes. It's probably true that many people irl don't know the extent, as I found out, but I was also surprised at how many who did. They were usually those who had some addiction in their own families.
I hope you'll keep posting. Look forward to hearing how it goes at your first meeting.
((()))
Al-Anon really helped me and I hope it does the same for you. I think I would start writing down his behavior so you have a log when it comes to any custody matters. Simple notations is all it takes. It's probably true that many people irl don't know the extent, as I found out, but I was also surprised at how many who did. They were usually those who had some addiction in their own families.
I hope you'll keep posting. Look forward to hearing how it goes at your first meeting.
((()))
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
Alcoholics have a disease sweetie.....
I know this is going to sound really rough.... and I say this with all the love in my heart, but you dont have a right to "tell" him to stop, he is an adult and has a right to toss his life to the side if he chooses. No amount of yelling, begging, fighting, crying is going to have an effect till "HE" chooses to stop and he will have to stop for himself. It will however (as your seeing) give him cause to make your life misserable and he will defend his first love at all cost.
I applaude the changed you decided to make in yourself when you became a Mother... I know when I gave birth to my daughter I made major changes as well. I realized that as a dysfunctional/co-dependent person there was no way I could raise a healthy child.... So I went to get help and have been in recovery since then... I also decided that I did not want my daughter to think that a marriage like her father and I shared was how love/marriage should be... his being an Alcoholic and her living in it..... So before she was 2 years old I left.
It wonderful that your ranting.... that is why we are here, Please dont take on his embarrassment, it is not yours to carry and you have enough on your plate. Regardless of what you want.... this is what you have. You can only control yourself, set boundries for yourself and decide what/how you will live with this or make plans to change it....
I know this is going to sound really rough.... and I say this with all the love in my heart, but you dont have a right to "tell" him to stop, he is an adult and has a right to toss his life to the side if he chooses. No amount of yelling, begging, fighting, crying is going to have an effect till "HE" chooses to stop and he will have to stop for himself. It will however (as your seeing) give him cause to make your life misserable and he will defend his first love at all cost.
I applaude the changed you decided to make in yourself when you became a Mother... I know when I gave birth to my daughter I made major changes as well. I realized that as a dysfunctional/co-dependent person there was no way I could raise a healthy child.... So I went to get help and have been in recovery since then... I also decided that I did not want my daughter to think that a marriage like her father and I shared was how love/marriage should be... his being an Alcoholic and her living in it..... So before she was 2 years old I left.
It wonderful that your ranting.... that is why we are here, Please dont take on his embarrassment, it is not yours to carry and you have enough on your plate. Regardless of what you want.... this is what you have. You can only control yourself, set boundries for yourself and decide what/how you will live with this or make plans to change it....
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Originally Posted by WhatAboutME
Stop with the threats, especially if you don't follow through with them. At this point, he doesn't believe that you'll leave him anyway. You're just wasting your breath.
One slight difference in my story, I did as much as I could to help out around the house and take care of our children, to be a functioning alcoholic. After all, if I was being a good father my wife wouldn't mind me drinking a little, right? So I'd drive our kids around drunk, let them fall off the changing table on their faces, dropped them off my shoulders on their faces, pass out while I was supposed to be watching them, bathed them in water that was too hot, put my hand over their mouths when they cried too much, etc., etc. It's not abuse if it's not intentional, right? Yes, it is. I could lie, deceive, and manipulate my wife to the point where she questioned her sanity, she knew they were lies but I was so convincing. And of course when she confronted me about my drinking I promised I'd slow down, which I'd do for a week and then come back drinking more than ever. We didn't go out with friends and family much either. I'd accused her of sleeping with any male friends we had, and everyone else I considered the enemy if they knew how much I drank.
It lasted for 11 years, and then thankfully she'd had enough of me and had the sense and strength to throw me out the door. I walked into AA the same day, have been sober since then, and our children have the father they deserved to have all along.
I hope that Al-Anon is a help to you and that you focus on taking care of yourself and your daughter. He will not change unless he chooses a program of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
Thank you Cynay and others . . .
Well, if I know I can't leave now, what CAN I do. Should I stop keeping this secret? Should I tell all my friends what's going on? uh oh, baby crying, gotta go
Well, if I know I can't leave now, what CAN I do. Should I stop keeping this secret? Should I tell all my friends what's going on? uh oh, baby crying, gotta go
Member
Join Date: Apr 2005
Location: Phoenix, AZ
Posts: 3,812
My suggestion is start with Al-anon and the book Co-Dependent no more...
Keep reading the board, especially the stickies at the top..... and sit back and get to know us, Im looking forward to getting to know you.
Keep reading the board, especially the stickies at the top..... and sit back and get to know us, Im looking forward to getting to know you.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Welcome to SR.
I agree that the book "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read! I've read it a couple of times actually and get something new out of it each time.
I really related to alot of what you said in your post. So I really do understand where you are coming from. What I see as a blessing in your situation that I didn't have is that you are aware of the issues, you have internet, and you are using that to your benefit. I didn't have the tools and things available to me back then that I do now.
Please remember that this situation you find yourself in didn't happen overnight and it's not a "quick fix" in finding peace and happiness in your life again. Like you, I was obsessed with my A husband. It took alot of changes for me to finally find some serenity. Try taking it one thing at a time so that you don't get overwhelmed, okay?
Have you checked out the "Sticky" posts yet? Excellent information and reading in there as well!
I agree that the book "Codependant No More" by Melody Beattie is an excellent read! I've read it a couple of times actually and get something new out of it each time.
I really related to alot of what you said in your post. So I really do understand where you are coming from. What I see as a blessing in your situation that I didn't have is that you are aware of the issues, you have internet, and you are using that to your benefit. I didn't have the tools and things available to me back then that I do now.
Please remember that this situation you find yourself in didn't happen overnight and it's not a "quick fix" in finding peace and happiness in your life again. Like you, I was obsessed with my A husband. It took alot of changes for me to finally find some serenity. Try taking it one thing at a time so that you don't get overwhelmed, okay?
Have you checked out the "Sticky" posts yet? Excellent information and reading in there as well!
Belgian Sheepdog Adictee
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: In Today
Posts: 6,101
Welcome to SR, here you will find some GREAT people who have been where you are now, and some that are where you are now.
I noticed that you listed your area as Portland Oregon. Portland has a pretty good Women's Shelter with lots of resources. You and your daughter are being subjected to abuse. It may not be physical YET, but it is certainly mental and emotional abuse.
They have resourses to help you get into or back into the working world, they have resourses for councilling and for good day care, please give them a call.
Also, try some alanon meetings. They can be of great help in planning your's and your daughter's future.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
I noticed that you listed your area as Portland Oregon. Portland has a pretty good Women's Shelter with lots of resources. You and your daughter are being subjected to abuse. It may not be physical YET, but it is certainly mental and emotional abuse.
They have resourses to help you get into or back into the working world, they have resourses for councilling and for good day care, please give them a call.
Also, try some alanon meetings. They can be of great help in planning your's and your daughter's future.
J M H O
Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing, we do care.
Love and hugs,
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: portland, OR
Posts: 24
thanks again to everyone. just have a minute here but I just got off the phone with my partner. I wanted him to admit to drinking last night. It's so obvious that he was drunk. He wouldn't admit to it and I found myself getting angrier and angrier, practically begging him to admit it. I heard my voice get so angry and looked at my daughter playing on the floor having to listen to her mama yell again. I stopped and hung up.
What am I suppose to do tonight? Not say anything? Pretend it didn't happen. I know he will say he didn't drink. Then, if I say okay, I believe you or whatever, he will be nice and calm and we may have a pleasant evening. If I push the issue, we will have a horrible evening. It will set him off onto a rant that will not end until he falls asleep. So what do I do? I am tempted to say nothing and keep the peace, knowing that I will try to attend an al-anon meeting this weekend.
Also, can I bring my daughter to the meeting? I have no choice really, if she can't go, I can't go . . .
You know, if he just admited it, I would have felt so much better. It would have been a false better but . . . The worst thing about the lying is how it's like he thinks I am stupid.
What am I suppose to do tonight? Not say anything? Pretend it didn't happen. I know he will say he didn't drink. Then, if I say okay, I believe you or whatever, he will be nice and calm and we may have a pleasant evening. If I push the issue, we will have a horrible evening. It will set him off onto a rant that will not end until he falls asleep. So what do I do? I am tempted to say nothing and keep the peace, knowing that I will try to attend an al-anon meeting this weekend.
Also, can I bring my daughter to the meeting? I have no choice really, if she can't go, I can't go . . .
You know, if he just admited it, I would have felt so much better. It would have been a false better but . . . The worst thing about the lying is how it's like he thinks I am stupid.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Scottsdale, AZ, one big happy dysfunctional family!
Posts: 23,051
Originally Posted by mama2sunshine
I wanted him to admit to drinking last night. It's so obvious that he was drunk. He wouldn't admit to it and I found myself getting angrier and angrier, practically begging him to admit it.
You know, if he just admited it, I would have felt so much better. It would have been a false better but . . . The worst thing about the lying is how it's like he thinks I am stupid.
You know, if he just admited it, I would have felt so much better. It would have been a false better but . . . The worst thing about the lying is how it's like he thinks I am stupid.
And I did want my ex to think she was stupid, that'd take the pressure off of me actually being the stupid one. Who's the stupid one now?
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