sthrnraizd

So yesterday I ended up having a face to face with the exAbf, which was a first since the breakup. We talked for a couple of hours overr coffee and long walks.
It was good, good for me in many ways, good for him. It was ofcourse difficult at times, more so in the end. The tears didnt really come till the end when we were saying good byes. And then because I was telling the exAbf this was the last time I planned or wanted to see him again.
He of course couldnt give a lot of answers I wanted deep in side but I knew this having the meeting. He still had the emotion switch turned off towards me. Something I will never understand.
But as I have gone over the meeting. I swear he looked or seemed different. As in not so alluring this time, not someone that was going to keep my heart broken. It was strange and difficult to explain.
I encouraged he go thru with treatment, we hugged, some tears fell, the momment seemed real. The good byes seemed real. He knows where I stand, he knows I have to cut him out of my life for now. I know of no other way to allow the emotional bond to die away.
The money he gave me didnt do anything I hoped it might. It provided $$ in the bank but didnt take any of the pain away for me. Our meeting didnt heal the wounds or change his addiction.
I think the time with what seemes like proper goodbyes did help. He is still very caughtup in his nerorsese(?) a something that reminds me of how messed up he really is...As much as I want him to say, lets work it out, it is better for us, him and myself that he keep strong with keeping me at a distance. He does have so many issues that need addressing. More than I can see in anyone alse around me.
I feel for him, Im sorry he cant love like others, Im sorry his life is so messed up. I still do not understand waht happened in his life to get him where he is.
But, with each day either a step forward or a step backwards. I keep moving, moving towards my own healing and new life...

MsGolightly

great for you! it takes a lot of strength to get to the point you're at... to be able to see him and be okay with it afterwards. if i was in your situation, i definitely wouldn't have handled it as gracefully as you did! it sounds like you're really doing great... keep it up!

sthrnraizd

I still cried today. And will for days to come I'm afraid. But with each tear I get closer to the bottom of "this" jars of tears. There will come a day that I no longer cry over this. Maybe I'll save one or two for tears of joy. Joy that one day i will hear great news about him and his healing.

Cynay

Good endings make for good beginnings hon.

Mourn it, relationships/love are beautiful gifts ... and when they end they deserve to be mourned. Sounds to me like you are on the right track, just keep moving forward hon, it will get better I promise.

sthrnraizd

So I have printed out several Al-anon meetings in my neighborhood area. I guess i will check it out. I hate to accept that his dease has made me sick...

I have been made to deal with enough but I guess I can handle more.

Cynay

Have you considered that you might have been sick to start with? It was not just the Alcoholic in my life that made me sick (though he did not help) If I had been all that healthy in the first place I would not only have seen the red flags but of the ones I saw... I would have acted on them. Where is a reason I attract and am attracted to Alcoholics.

I had a degree in Co-dependency before him..... He just helped me get my Masters.

sthrnraizd

I find myself struggling with these what if, or if he hadnt, or if.... or if....and I cry and I cry....and Im at work.....
I seemingly only have it together for minutes at a time.

I am a reader as well, I always try to be self aware and balanced. Or trying to be that continually. At least in the last few years.

I had just placed all my hope and dreams and future in this one person that said they loved me and wanted our future together. Unfortunately your correct I didn't react to the red flags, I chose to ignore them. I admit that, and they bit me in the butt for sure....I just didnt want to admit the flaws I saw in the one I loved so much.

Now I grapple with my own created world of pain.

MsGolightly

i can relate to that all too well. i had those promises, even when my ex was sober for a year... i was promised that we would live the rest of our lives together. it hurts having to admit that maybe that's not the way things are supposed to unfold.

i overlooked a lot of things too, out of love, and out of respect for someone who repeatedly let me believe they were "trying to change."

i'm sorry you're hurting, but it will end when the time is right.

sthrnraizd

Ive been crying for 11 straight days....sucks

Cynay

Wrong person to put all your hope and dreams and future into. He probably does/did love you and want a future hon.... But there is no person on earth that will give you "All" of what you need and if you put your whole world into someone elses hands you are bound to have alot of pain.

We have all done it, your in some really good company here. I looked the other way, or I could fix them, or they would come to their senses etc........

But the one thing I can say is.... Im a stronger person today then I was before this happened. I also feel that I have a depth to me that many will not understand because you have to walk through the flame to get here.... I know that today I can reach out to people in need that are hurting and I can give back the love and kindness that was so freely given to me... all this enriches my life hon....

Trust you will come through a richer and more beautiful person. I have been using this one alot lately but your the catapilliar, I know it hurt, I know your scared ... and no... you have to go through this ... but when your done and you choose to keep working on yourself, the butterfly will emerge and life will take on a whole new beauty... I promise

MsGolightly

i totally agree. i'm still in the midst of this myself, but i can already tell that i'm a stronger person, and there's a lot that i won't put up with or overlook in my next relationship... and that will all happen when i'm ready for it.

sthrnraizd, you clearly know that you didn't deserve this relationship. you know what you're worth and this wasn't it. imagine 20 years from now, only then finding out what you know now, and not having the time or the courage to walk away.

i cried for weeks, i still do sometimes, and i cried myself to sleep every night. i had nights where i laid in bed until 4 or 5am, just crying my eyes out, and totally unable to think about anything else besides the pain i was in. it will all pass, i promise you that. get your tears out, and soon enough you'll see that there's no reason to cry anymore...

Sunflower

so true

aztchr

You can also have a created world of joy! You can create anything you choose! Remember, without the pain, we wouldn't know the joy.

mallowcup

Consider your tears, your detoxification. In each one of those tears is a toxin that needs to come out. They are the tears that need to flow and they will stop. It is important to make yourself get up and take a walk. Activity lifts depression. You can't wait until you feel like it. It doensn't work that way. When you make yourself get out, even by yourself, you will feel better. There is a whole bug nonscolholic world out there waiting for you.
Trust me when I say that in a year from now, you will lok back and not even recognize yourself.