Can it be any clearer?
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: bristol tn
Posts: 11
Your story broke my heart..thank you so much for sharing! Leaving my alcholic was the last thing in the world i wanted..i had left him three times just to show him that i was hurting and miserable and longed for his sobriety! he broke our hearts(me and the kids) over and over! It hurt to watch him choose the bottle over us over and over again! Broken promises...im sure somewhere deep inside he wants too be free...but he will have to find it on his own this time..i did all i knew to do...now its up to him because 7 weeks ago i left for the last time..too much pain from the 4 years we shared..emotional..verbal..physical abuse! ill always love him..but it will have to be from a distance. Ill forever pray for him..care for him...and i forgive him for all the hurt! he didnt make me stay as long as i did..i chose too!!! But when the hurt became great enough...i now choose to let him be! i can only pray he will find his way before it is too late...so taz...THANK YOU...THANK YOU..THANKS AGAIN..for sharing!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Tazman has not posted here in a long time. I don't even know if he posts on the SR forums any longer.
But his post, IMO, is one of the best doggone insightful posts I've ever read by an addict-in-recovery. His honesty about what he was like, how it affected his loved ones, and how he got recovery is forthright and speaks volumes of what recovery is all about.
He made valuable contributions to this forum. I wish him the best.
But his post, IMO, is one of the best doggone insightful posts I've ever read by an addict-in-recovery. His honesty about what he was like, how it affected his loved ones, and how he got recovery is forthright and speaks volumes of what recovery is all about.
He made valuable contributions to this forum. I wish him the best.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
My gosh, this is so accurate in the way I've seen my AH treat me and the kids. Beer and his alcoholic "friends" are first on the list. It's amazing and very eye opening for me. I am leaving him and see a lawyer on Thursday. I know now that the only real chance he has for recovery is if I leave and take the kids. Then he has two choices: Work toward recovery or climb into a bottle and never come out. I can't help him with his choice I know. Knowing what I know about him it will be a huge miracle if he recovers. I think the more likely scenario for my AH is to find another alcoholic (or just keep the alcoholic OW he has now) and go down hill together. Sad. But at least he won't be dragging us down too.
Recovering Codependant
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Liverpool, Great Britain
Posts: 1,335
Originally Posted by Tazman53 
...I pray that I can answer any questions from the other side of the fence in a manner that you all may have a bit of a grasp on what we really do not totally understand our selfs. Just keep in mind I have a disease, we are different, what makes sense to us may make no sense at all to you all. This is the primary reason that the best person to help an alcoholic is an alcoholic, we understand each other.
I do not understand the mind of alcoholism, but I do understand the mind of codependence. So would it not seem accurate to extend Taz's thought?
That the best person to help a Codie is another Codie, as we understand each other.
Lily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: Chicago
Posts: 72
Originally Posted by Tazman53
Please do not make us out to be monsters in their eyes, just be honest and let them know that we are suffering from a disease that the only person who can do a darn thing about it is us.
Follow Directions!
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Fredericksburg, Va.
Posts: 9,730
Thank you all very much, my sobriety makes it possible for me to be of maximum service to all those I can be.
A huge part of me staying sober is helping others in any way I can by sharing my experience, strength and hope.
Lilyflower brings out an excellent point, the best person to help a codie is a codie, they have been there and done that.
I know a lot of codies that go to OPEN AA meetings trying to understand us, I can appreciate that, and I am more then willing to offer those with questions an insight into what I as a recovered alcoholic can share from my experience.
That being said I will honestly admit that I do not understand codies, even when I was drinking I would never have put up with half of what many of you put up with from us, I can assure you that I, along with many other recovering alcoholics are thankful that some of you did, but once sober and recovering, we begin to see the hurt and pain we have brought to you all and it leaves us mystifyed that you did put up with even half of what we put you through.
There is a difference between a codie and an alcoholic though. We have no need or desire to understand a codie when we are drinking, the only thing we care about when we are drinking is how we can continue to manipulate you to allow us to continue to drink without driving you away, we do not have a need to know why you are the way you are. A codie, especially while thier alcoholic is still drinking has (at least from what I have seen) a need to understand us and why we do what we do....... I can not tell you why I did what I did, I can share with you merely what I was thinking when I was drinking and my feelings and thought processes when I was drinking and now that I am sober. I do this in the hope of opening some folks eyes to the fact that our drinking problem can only be addressed and resolved by us, there is nothing you can do to help us stop drinking except stop helping us drink by helping us function with less pain.
If you are a codie seeking recovery I strongly encourage you to seek out codies in recovery for help, I will continue to be more then happy to answer any questions you may have, but the only thing I can help you with in your recovery is to encourage you to get help from those who have have found recovery from the problems you are going through.
A huge part of me staying sober is helping others in any way I can by sharing my experience, strength and hope.
Lilyflower brings out an excellent point, the best person to help a codie is a codie, they have been there and done that.
I know a lot of codies that go to OPEN AA meetings trying to understand us, I can appreciate that, and I am more then willing to offer those with questions an insight into what I as a recovered alcoholic can share from my experience.
That being said I will honestly admit that I do not understand codies, even when I was drinking I would never have put up with half of what many of you put up with from us, I can assure you that I, along with many other recovering alcoholics are thankful that some of you did, but once sober and recovering, we begin to see the hurt and pain we have brought to you all and it leaves us mystifyed that you did put up with even half of what we put you through.
There is a difference between a codie and an alcoholic though. We have no need or desire to understand a codie when we are drinking, the only thing we care about when we are drinking is how we can continue to manipulate you to allow us to continue to drink without driving you away, we do not have a need to know why you are the way you are. A codie, especially while thier alcoholic is still drinking has (at least from what I have seen) a need to understand us and why we do what we do....... I can not tell you why I did what I did, I can share with you merely what I was thinking when I was drinking and my feelings and thought processes when I was drinking and now that I am sober. I do this in the hope of opening some folks eyes to the fact that our drinking problem can only be addressed and resolved by us, there is nothing you can do to help us stop drinking except stop helping us drink by helping us function with less pain.
If you are a codie seeking recovery I strongly encourage you to seek out codies in recovery for help, I will continue to be more then happy to answer any questions you may have, but the only thing I can help you with in your recovery is to encourage you to get help from those who have have found recovery from the problems you are going through.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: New York, NY
Posts: 6,262
I stopped drinking when I saw that my entire support system was going to collapse all at once! I was going to have to do everything for myself with out the help of anyone!
Thanks so much for posting this!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Winchester, VA
Posts: 129
TazMan that post could have been written by my AH verbatem, with the exception of the kids. I'm still waiting for either my AH to hit bottom or for me to. One of us has to go and I have a feeling it won't be him. Congratulations on your upcoming Sober Anniversary. If you're not already speaking publically or otherwise you should consider it. Your writing is eloquent, to the point and REAL as I imagine your speeches would be.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Colorado, USA
Posts: 433
Thoughts I have after reading this excellent thread: I've chosen to stay with my spouse and I wonder if he'll ever be able to "reach bottom" because of that. I don't know that he's an alcoholic or not. However, his drinking has certainly affected me and over the years there have been isolated bouts of definite over-drinking, otherwise tightly controlled and highly functioning.
For many, many years I've detached and sought my own sanity through counseling, hard personal work/change, Al-Anon, and sponsorship, which has saved my life. I think I'm still his emotional life-line and it strikes me that despite my best efforts at keeping myself emotionally/spiritually healthy as I'm able, it is still Enabling him to remain in denial.
For many, many years I've detached and sought my own sanity through counseling, hard personal work/change, Al-Anon, and sponsorship, which has saved my life. I think I'm still his emotional life-line and it strikes me that despite my best efforts at keeping myself emotionally/spiritually healthy as I'm able, it is still Enabling him to remain in denial.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Tennessee
Posts: 255
Thanks for sharing this. It's quite an eye opener. My grown daughter has finally thrown up her hands and given up on AW. It's sad, but probably healthier for both of them. Daughter is getting married next Spring, and I've told her to go on and live her life. AW has chosen alcohol over her family, and that is difficult to accept.
When she's sober, she practically worships our daughter, and you'd think hurting her is the last thing she would want to do. But, when the drinking starts, it's almost as if AW becomes the petulant teenager rebelling against a strict parent. It's horrifying to watch.
This doesn't make things any easier, but at least I have some idea what I'm dealing with now. I'm pretty sure we're headed for a bitter divorce, most likely followed by financial ruin. I'm putting it off until Daughter is safely on her way. I just hope we can all survive until then.
When she's sober, she practically worships our daughter, and you'd think hurting her is the last thing she would want to do. But, when the drinking starts, it's almost as if AW becomes the petulant teenager rebelling against a strict parent. It's horrifying to watch.
This doesn't make things any easier, but at least I have some idea what I'm dealing with now. I'm pretty sure we're headed for a bitter divorce, most likely followed by financial ruin. I'm putting it off until Daughter is safely on her way. I just hope we can all survive until then.
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 7
But, what if the alcoholic is financially secure and has no responsibilities? No job to lose. What if there is no family to embarrass or alienate (because there isn't).. What if there is only a mid 50's wife who can't work for health reasons and depends on the alcoholic's investments? What if the alcoholic will hide the $$ offshore or something if the wife puts her foots down and totally detaches as suggested at the beginning of this thread. It sounds great for a wife who is financially secure on their own.. But, if not that person continues to be a codie due to necessity. She wants the alcoholic to heal, but after 30 years of marriage there isn't exactly a loving spark anymore. Just a duty to support and comfort her partner who is dying a slow death.... with as little confrontation as possible.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Originally Posted by Hopeful4Change
But, what if the alcoholic is financially secure and has no responsibilities? No job to lose. What if there is no family to embarrass or alienate (because there isn't).. What if there is only a mid 50's wife who can't work for health reasons and depends on the alcoholic's investments? What if the alcoholic will hide the $$ offshore or something if the wife puts her foots down and totally detaches as suggested at the beginning of this thread. It sounds great for a wife who is financially secure on their own.. But, if not that person continues to be a codie due to necessity. She wants the alcoholic to heal, but after 30 years of marriage there isn't exactly a loving spark anymore. Just a duty to support and comfort her partner who is dying a slow death.... with as little confrontation as possible.
Thirty years of marriage entitles you to some percentage of the money. Consult an attorney to find out more about that in your state. If he controls the money, why do you assume it will be there for you later on? Being financially independent is tough but it is a choice. There are avenues but it might require a lifestyle change.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: USA
Posts: 2,393
Wow, thanks for resurrecting this thread. Powerful truth from Tazman, I hope he's still doing well (this was all posted before I joined). I hope those who want to hide the ugly from the public to make themselves look good (eg my sister and BIL) or those who support their A because they don't believe the A can make it on their own and will become homeless if they don't (friend of mine) could learn how to move on with their lives and stop the crazy the A causes on theirs with this real life experience from Tazman. Hopeful, I'm so sorry for your predicament, but as MissFixit says... you may be surprised. I would at least speak with a lawyer for what rights you have. My dear friend is leaving his drunk of 52 years... she gets 50% of everything in the divorce (investments, his pension, house, cars, and bank accounts).
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