Ways to keep our mouth shut, and our peace of mind

Old 04-21-2007, 10:20 PM
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Ways to keep our mouth shut, and our peace of mind

We all know we shouldn't argue with the A, tell the A how to get sober, keep saying "you've been drinking again!", criticize them etc... because it's all useless and even makes us feel guilty afterwards. Let's talk about your ways to resist the urge to do all the above

For me:
1. Go grab my recovery books and read, read, read (i labeled a couple of pages for emergency use)
2. Imagine how my AH will react and defend himself if I say what i want to say. After playing the scene in my head, i already know that it'll end up nothing constructive
3. If it's my AH who starts it, i respond with OKs, oh really's, maybe you're right... then make excuses to leave the conversation
4. Pretend that i'm an actress and my part is not to talk
5. Ask myself why i want to say what i want to say.

Yesterday my AH had a hanger and said to me "Wierd! i have a headache all morning".... i almost burst out saying "Sure! that's because you drank last night". then i thought i should say something more clever, like "oh! maybe you ate or drank something wrong?" And then i thought to myself, why say anything at all! i was so sure i wouldn't be happy with his answer. So i said nothing and felt kinda proud of myself afterwards. haha!

i do experience quite often these "compulsions" to open my mouth. Would like to know how you all deal with them.
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Old 04-22-2007, 04:01 AM
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Compulsions to open one's mouth in response to the alcoholic's never ending irrational, bizarre, frustrating behavior is as normal as breathing. Of course in time we realize we are wasting our precious breath as we could have a more intelligent conversation with the living room couch. All we receive in return is denial, anger, blame and hostility ... and nothing we ever say seems to change or alter their choices. About all we can do is accept the fact we are not communicating with a sane, rational person ... but instead an addiction that doesn't want to hear what we have to say .. and for some strange reason does not think our clever retorts are funny! This was so hard for me to accept .. but eventually I just learned to tune it out and try my best to focus on the my ever growing list of responsibilities .. and in vain would secretly hope that someday the person I married would see the light and eventually return.
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Old 04-22-2007, 04:10 AM
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I'm delivering some clothespins to my exA today. It will be very difficult to keep from saying anything; however, I'm not quite sure what he will use them for once I take my washing machine. I doubt that he'll want to buy a washer right away. That would take away from his booze money. Oops....sorry!
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Old 04-22-2007, 04:14 AM
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Originally Posted by LiLL View Post
4. Pretend that i'm an actress and my part is not to talk
Good list of suggestions LiLL.

I must admit though, I could do #4. 'Pretend' only for so long. I have a history of 'stuffing' what I really feel. A sign that I've done it for too long is when I explode...apparently for 'no reason'!

I've found it best to be honest with what I'm feeling, 'at the time I'm feeling it' so it doesn't build momentum when stuffing it.

But then again, I'm no longer in an alcoholic/abusive relationship that I was once in either.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:07 AM
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How about saying what ever we want and not caring what they say? I have a voice and a brain and not talking seems like another form of manipulation. I think the world needs balance. Should the most obnoxious and stupid people on the planet be the only ones talking?
If my husband drinks and has a headache the next day, I'm talking, I'm going to keep talking about anything I can think of.
Not talking doesn't shut my hus
band up when he rants. He rants to me, the TV or to himself.
Don't even drink all night and tell me you have a headache, you'd be setting yourself up.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:21 AM
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Okay, mallowcup.....I agree with you....actually quite a bit.
And, I will most likely open my mouth ONCE all of my belongings are out of his house. Actually, I may even hire a lawyer to get my money back.
I just have to keep my mouth shut right now while he still has possession of my things. I also worry about him hurting those dogs that I love so much. If I ever find out that he hurts them AGAIN, I'm turning him in.

Wish me luck today!
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:36 AM
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Lill, I think what you describe as "compulsions" are actually healthy and normal reactions to living with any "difficult" person. In our cases, though, the "difficult" person just happens to be a raging alcoholic, and therefore cannot process in any sort of rational/sane way anything we might say.

I know there are people out there who have honestly found peace through detachment. I do not understand how it is done!

I am a very opinionated and outspoken person...I just can't see myself getting to the point of being able to see such dispicable behavior and not having an emotional reaction.

I know for a fact that I never got how to do detachment...for me, it seemed like a total scheme to rationalize living in a total crazy-making situation:

you either hold it in and feel like you're drinking poison and feel like a crazy woman and make yourself an emotional wreck in the process...

or you let it out and feel like a crazy woman because you're totally wasting your breath and making yourself an emotional wreck in the process.

So to answer your question about what I do to handle the compulsion to open my mouth, my answer was to get out of the situation that was giving me so much to say.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:36 AM
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i couldn't keep my mouth shut.....now i am divorced.

even after i learned through al-anon to refocus on myself, his personal attacks on me, and the statements he would make....like.....' is the chicken DEAD?!" (the chicken i was serving for supper....)....well, it was just to ridiculous to let go.....

living with the alcoholic/mentally disturbed comments from my alcoholic was just too much to endure for me.

when i found myself responding with the obvious...."hell, yes, the chicken is dead, ya fool!"......the only thing i could see wrong with how i handled it, was calling him a fool......i should have thought of a much more appropriate title.

it always felt like i was dealing with a tantruming 3 year old. and always felt like he was peeing on my leg and then trying to tell me it was raining.
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Old 04-22-2007, 09:12 AM
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Hey all, I really appreciate all your replies! I guess we're all just doing what is good for us. To open or to shut our mouth, in the end, it is for us, not for others.

I agree that it's all natural for us to have emotions and have the need to let out our feelings. I do that too! There have been times that I was so angry that I woke my AH up in his sleep just to say something to humiliate him in order to make myself feel better. The problem for me was, I only felt good for a while, and then I always felt more frustrated afterwards.

I don't remember when I decided to give detachment a try. Sometimes I think I get it, sometimes I don't. Keeping my mouth shut is probably my way of "faking it till i make it", but it gets easier and easier. (When I say I try to keep my mouth shut, it's mostly to do with my urge to say something related to my AH's drinking.) Lucky enough for me, my home did become a lot more peaceful than before, because we stopped hating each other. And I don't have to say things that I'd regret afterwards.

But again, if "just say whatever you want" makes you feel best, why not. Love to hear more about your views on this.
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Old 04-22-2007, 10:36 AM
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I talked my responses aloud to the mirror; I prefer to call it the "mirror test." Then I picked my battles. Some things I wished to say I kept to myself on the advice of my attorney. That was the hardest part because I wanted to stand there all smiley-faced and say "Hasta la vista, baby. And I won't let the door hit me in the a$$ when I leave!" I had the frequent urge to tell him I didn't like him.

I never bothered with his drinking. That was an exercise in futility. He was fiercely protective of THAT, well duh! I realized that the more I talked, the more he tuned me out so I finally just learned to shrug him off.

Difficult, considering I love to have the last word and I do have a biiiiiggggg mouth!
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Old 04-22-2007, 10:43 AM
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I have all of these with incredible success. All are responses, but by using one of these I don't get sucked into a battle of wits with an unarmed person...

"OH... ?"
"Really."
"wow"

"huh" Or "Well, huh." I use this one a LOT. It works as well as work as it does at home. It works especially well when someone asks me "What do you think?"

and my all time personal favorite: "Let me know how that works out for you." I used that more with my kids than my spouse... and they will all tell you I used it WAY before Dr. Phil !

OH I almost forgot. A ready supply of Jujubees just in case I need to shove something in my mouth to keep me from saying something I really shouldn't.....
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Old 04-22-2007, 11:18 AM
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I don't think it's whether you reply or not...I think it's whether you believe the garbage he is saying. If you believe it, you will naturally reply, defend yourself, and completely lose your mind trying. If you remember that whatever is being "thrown" at you, like name calling, is just simply not true then, then it becomes easy to not respond.

Sometimes my response to AH is: Why don't YOU think about that for awhile, and let me know if that's really possible/true.....pause....no reply from AH....and I say "that's what I thought".....

Not saying that's a good answer, but it makes him go quiet for a whole minute sometimes. I guess what I am really learning is how to manipulate him right back. Stupid way to live, but sometimes we just have to do what we have to do.
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Old 04-22-2007, 06:52 PM
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Once I actually got that nothing I said when he was drunk/ranting etc. made one bit of difference then I kinda understood detaching and could totally get the logic behind it, so then it became alot easier to put into practise.

I too am really stubborn, am quite opinionated and have belief in the things I say and think, so it becomes quite difficult sometimes to just ignore their rants and not respond...but then I know if I get "into it" with him that I'm gonna be sat there for hours, nothing I say will make any differece to what he's ranting about, he won't remember anything I've said tomorrow, he'll purposely disagree with anything I say even if it does make sense, and even if he does agree with me....he'll just disagree to be argumentative...What's the point?!

Sometimes I forget myself and I do get into "it" with him...I always regret it and everytime I do "lapse" it makes it easier not to the next time..

Ways I get out of it are....

Just completely ignore him like he wasn't there
Nod alot
Reply "Yes dear"
Put my ipod on (loud!)
Leave the room
Go to bed
Go on SR (with the ipod on)
Go and do the dishes or housework in another room

Luckily he isn't the type to follow me around the house, so getting out of it is quite easy.
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Old 04-22-2007, 08:00 PM
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I think most of the time they are just trying to humiliate us more by having us answer stupid obvious questions...also some As are just waiting for you to give them a smart answer--so they can drink again--or start a huge arguement--I prefer and have learned best to just keep quiet
Most of what they say is so ridiculous it's not worth the effort of a reply...
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