aztchr

My friend just left me a message. She said she finally filed for divorce and signed for a restraining order against her AH. She has a 3 year old daughter and I know how hard it was to follow through with everything. She's waiting for him to be served with the RO so he'll have to leave the house. They are married, but the house is in her name only. I don't get why they can't force him out now. Something to do with it's his residence until served then she can change locks, etc.

I know she has family support and has been seeing a counselor. My role now is just to listen and support her through all of the emotions. I want to stay positive and reassuring that she's doing the best for herself and her daughter.

What is most helpful in this situation? I'm still working through my own experiences and I don't want to come across as insensitive toward her, but I also need to protect my time and self-care. Although I'm further along in healing, she's just starting. How do you help, but also not hurt your own progress?

newenglandgirl

Great question Aztchr. I'm no relationship wizard, but I would say that the best thing to do would be to visit with her and tell her honestly how much you care about her and how much you want to be a support to her, but that you are also going through a very sensitive/hard time and you need to make sure to take care of you too. Do you think she's the kind of person who could understand this? Also, I love to get my friends going through rough times gifts that I think will brighten their day and/or be of help. Like a book, a plant, some flowers, home cooked meal, etc. I think it is so wise to be protecting yourself and your own needs. That should be your priority. But think of ways you can show her that you care, while at the same time respecting what YOU need to keep recovering.

aztchr

Thanks!
I just had an hour long conversation with my friend. Mostly, she told me the progression that led up to her final decision. I'm proud of her and let her know I'm here for support and it's ok not to be strong all of the time. It's ok to go through every emotion possible and it's ok to repeat as needed.
Most important though is to continue to live and take care of herself and her daughter. No one should ever stop her from doing just that. She doesn't have to accept anything she doesn't want to ever again.

I know it may get worse before it gets better for my friend and so many others here. I remind everyone and myself that when you get to the bottom, there's nowhere else to go, but UP!! It does get better with support, helping yourself recover, and time!

Zoey

I think helping her, just by listening and encouraging will not cut into your growth time. It will help you grow in MO.

In AA the best thing we can do in our program is help another person who still suffers.

However, we don't loan money, we do not take them into our home, but we can help by listening. Meet them at the library, we Al-Anons need to stay out of sight of an irate husband.

If it is community property state and house bought after the marraiage, he may own half, I am sure her lawyer would have told her that.

If someone told me they had to have time for their things, I would feel not important and would not call.
One can protect their important things by just saying I wont be available such and such, but call me between such and such when I am free to talk.

This just my thoughts and suggestions, take what is useable.
Caring hugs to you.

Zoey

PS, if too heavy and pulls you down, then perhaps cutting ties will be what you will need to do. We are all different.

aztchr

I just don't want to get caught up in her anger and emotions I have let go.
Also, I let my willingness to help others overwhelm me sometimes. I didn't mean I don't want to listen, but I might have to set boundaries.
Thanks for the suggestions about setting time limits.

aztchr

P.S. My friend bought their house before she even dated him. His name isn't on anything. Since I'm not married, I don't know how that works with property, etc.