flwrchld

Well, here I sit at home once again, its prom night for my son, its his Jr. year, we got a limo and him and his friends are having a great time I am sure, it should be him I am worrying about, but it is my husband that has taken that role over for him. He has been drinking all afternoon and went out with the young crowd to the bar, since they are just old enough to legally drink and he is 38, he is the old drunk guy once again. I can't help but wonder if he will get thrown in jail or worse in an accident. I have decided in my worries that if he does get into legal trouble I will leave him in jail and not bail him out. I hate nights like these they are long and miserable. I am glad that I can share my thoughts here, it does make me feel a bit better........

FormerDoormat

That's the same course of action I would take in this case and the right one based on what I've learned from the folks in this forum. Now as for worrying about what the night will hold, there's no sense worrying yourself to death. Worrying never changes anything. Action does. Focus your attention on something other than your husband and his drinking. Perhaps you could read fix yourself a nice cup of tea, pick up that book you've been wanting to read, and then get a good night's sleep.

aztchr

Hi flwrchild,

You are not alone here! Remember you didn't cause it, can't control it, and can't cure it. The only thing you can do is take care of yourself and your son. What can you do for YOU tonight while your son is out?
I know it's hard not to worry, but it sounds like you made a decision if you get a phone call. Sending you strength if you do need to act upon that.

newenglandgirl

I don't know which is worse, having an AH like mine who never left the house and just sat drinking all day, all night long, or having an AH that leaves the house to drink and leaves you alone to worry. Both scenarios are terrible. Doormat is so right, there's no sense worrying. You have absolutely no control. Can you use the time to instead deciding what boundaries you are ready to put into place? Are you willing to go through this again? For how long? What kind of life do you deserve?

When I first left my AH, I was constantly sick with worry about him. I took the advice of my friends and family and went through the motions in the hopes that the emotions would follow: I made sure to exercise, do things I enjoyed, and basically just tried really hard to take care of myself even though the last thing I felt like doing was healthy things (all I wanted to do was lie in bed really). And you know what, it's true, it does help to go through the motions. It doesn't fix everything, but it helps. It keeps you moving in a positive direction.

It helped me too to focus on the fact that my AH was a "big boy" - capable of getting help and changing if he wanted to. And that I was the one doing all the worrying, when it was really his life that was going downhill fast. All we can do flwrchild is take care of ourselves.

hang in there
neg

flwrchld

Thanks for the advice, does it sound awful to say that I wish him not to even come home in a way, because he makes me sick to even be around him when he is so messed up, he slurs, stumbles, is rude and loud, has no respect for others, and then wonders why I turn my back on him and fake sleep until he finally passes out. He thinks I am like a dog, loyal and loving no matter what, but even a dog has limits, I think I am becoming UN attracted to him. I feel bad about even saying that, but it is how I feel.

FormerDoormat

Nope. It doesn't sound awful to me. I wished the same thing. But it wasn't until I followed up my wishes with actions that things changed for me. I told my boyfriend that the next time I found him drunk, I would drive him to a nearby hotel, drop him off, and then drive away for good. That's what I did two years ago, on my 45th birthday.

It was the best birthday present I ever gave myself. My life is so much better today. I should have done that years ago.

newenglandgirl

I don't blame you! What could possibly be attractive about a slurring, stumbling, rude, and loud drunk man?! yuck. The look my AH would get in his eyes would totally creep me out and make me lose all respect for him. I can't describe it...just totally crazy and pathetic. I stopped enjoying sex with him. It was like having sex with a wino - he smelled and was, to put it gently, less than graceful. blech.

It's so amazing how all these A's take such advantage of their loved ones. The addiction is a bottomless pit - and always comes first.
It is a rude (and necessary) awakening for them when they find out that we do indeed have our limits. My A took advantage of my loyalty, and my love, so that he could take care of his number one priority - him and drinking. They will suck you dry. There is no limit to what A's will take and take and take. It is up to us to lay down the law.

WantsOut

aw flwr ... I remember feeling the exact same way. I remember how surprised my ex was when I told him I wanted nothing to do with him when he'd been drinking. He had the nerve to look hurt.

What are you going to do?

Nuudawn

I think it would be rather unusual for you to remain attracted to a man who is becoming less and and less himself. Behaviour makes the man or breaks the man at the end of the day. And a drunk has lost control of his ability to behave like a mature and honourable individual. We give it all over to the drink.
The practising alcoholic is undeed unwell...but he or she is the only one who can access the remedy. Consequences point us to answers not silence.... and not repetitive pleading for change without action or consequence.

Don't feel bad...you have every right to feel EXACTLY as you do. Disrespecting your very rightful feelings is disrespecting yourself.

chero

Oh, Flwr, I'm so sorry you are having to deal with this!

Hugs and prayers! Cheryl

LiLL

Flwrchild, I've experienced those long and miserable nights too. I hope you'll feel better soon. Things can get better if you want to. You said your AH thinks you're loyal and loving no matter what. What have you done (or not done) to send him that message? Is it possible that you can go away from home for a few days for a break?

Seeking Wisdom

You have received many wonderful and wise responses to your concerns ... unfortunately so many of us have been in your situation. We wonder if there is something wrong with us .. when, in time, we eventually learn that the person that once earned our respect and affection has been replaced by a stranger consumed by an addiction so tranforming and powerful ..and we are helpless to change or alter its course. We can only get step out of the way so the addiction does not destroy yet another life.