How do you know when they have really changed?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: southern indiana
Posts: 2,145
i took mine back many, many times after rehabs, detoxes, half-way houses,,,too numerous to list. he always seemed sincere. because, he was sincere at that moment....he was sincere about getting back into his comfort zone so he could continue his relationship with the sweetest mistress of all....his alcoholism. and his comfort zone was in my care....in our home...with my income....and him with no responsibilities except to continue his vicious cycle of sobering up enough to escape legal trouble, but not enough to improve his life, and everyone around him.
and i was always standing in the background, wringing my hands, with everyone in my life looking at me like i was crazy, and me saying pitifully......but, but, i lllloooooooooovveee him.......in a whiney voice.
i finally got help for myself and shook the dust from my feet.
good luck and best wishes
and i was always standing in the background, wringing my hands, with everyone in my life looking at me like i was crazy, and me saying pitifully......but, but, i lllloooooooooovveee him.......in a whiney voice.
i finally got help for myself and shook the dust from my feet.
good luck and best wishes
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
Let me ask this..have YOU changed?
I mean, have you changed your wants, needs, deal breakers, etc?
Why if you feel like this... would you be thinking about getting back together?
Ive gotten back into relationships before bc the other person wanted to, even though I didnt. Its a nightmare and not too super healthy for me to be with someone simply bc they want me.
Just bc he wants to get back together with you does that mean he gets too?
To your question how do you know they have changed..their change is displyed by how they live their life and its obvious. If I have to ask that question..trouble.
I mean, have you changed your wants, needs, deal breakers, etc?
Why if you feel like this... would you be thinking about getting back together?
Although I want to see him, I realize that I don't want to get back together with him right away and I think seeing him may re-ignite something.
Just bc he wants to get back together with you does that mean he gets too?
To your question how do you know they have changed..their change is displyed by how they live their life and its obvious. If I have to ask that question..trouble.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: Los Angeles, CA
Posts: 5,075
Somewhere along the journey, I realized my desire to see change in AH was more about me (of course LOL). I also realize how hard it has been to effect change in my own life. I still have a long way to go. That helps me keep perspective on it all.
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CindeRella is proof that a new pair of shoes can change your life!
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Spreading my wings
Posts: 7,163
I took mine back as embraced to many times to list! I suddenly got a glimpse of what happiness is all about one morning after an Al-Anon meeting and said this is what I WANT! I will not allow him to WANT me because it is a comfort for him so he continue to do what he WANTS. I wanted to work on myself and stop having everyone think that I was nutz again like embrace stated because "I loved him" ....no I loved what I knew or thought he could be without his other girlfriend (LOL good anolgy e-) his bottle-but that was not my choice-so I left him with my choice to change myself into a happier person!
Hon they will keep you on the roller coaster until you jump off-as long as you ride they will keep it going-look at some of the messages in here from other A's they know...they were the one's doing it-until they decided to stop the roller coaster because they knew it was the only way to live!
1. They do not change unless they want too-(again not over night by any means!!)
2. No way going to see him would not be a bright idea!
Hon they will keep you on the roller coaster until you jump off-as long as you ride they will keep it going-look at some of the messages in here from other A's they know...they were the one's doing it-until they decided to stop the roller coaster because they knew it was the only way to live!
1. They do not change unless they want too-(again not over night by any means!!)
2. No way going to see him would not be a bright idea!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
It's interesting to me how there are so many similar stories on this board. I asked the very same question about a year ago and got similar replies. Some of them from the same people, LOL.
At that time I think I was wanting an 'easy way.' If he would just change to suit me, then I wouldn't have to worry so much about changing myself. I still wanted to control everything so I didn't have to deal with what was really making me uncomfortable.
Well, he did change. He quit drinking and started taking responsibility for himself. Doing a lot of the things I had wanted him to do for so many years. So, we took a shot at reconciliation. We did not move back in together (thankfully), because we knew it would be hard on the kids if we did and it ended up not working out.
After several months of both of us really trying to make our marriage work, I decided that it was not. You see, I had changed too much. Even though he was changing, he still had very different ideas about life, goals, etc.. than I did. And he was still selfish. The difference is, I had become selfish, too. I was no longer willing to give up what I wanted in order that he could have what he wanted. I was no longer willing to 'go along' with his agenda to keep the peace. I was no longer willing to be a junior partner in the marriage.
So now, one year later, I can see that the question to ask was not 'has he changed?' but 'can I live with who he is?'
L
At that time I think I was wanting an 'easy way.' If he would just change to suit me, then I wouldn't have to worry so much about changing myself. I still wanted to control everything so I didn't have to deal with what was really making me uncomfortable.
Well, he did change. He quit drinking and started taking responsibility for himself. Doing a lot of the things I had wanted him to do for so many years. So, we took a shot at reconciliation. We did not move back in together (thankfully), because we knew it would be hard on the kids if we did and it ended up not working out.
After several months of both of us really trying to make our marriage work, I decided that it was not. You see, I had changed too much. Even though he was changing, he still had very different ideas about life, goals, etc.. than I did. And he was still selfish. The difference is, I had become selfish, too. I was no longer willing to give up what I wanted in order that he could have what he wanted. I was no longer willing to 'go along' with his agenda to keep the peace. I was no longer willing to be a junior partner in the marriage.
So now, one year later, I can see that the question to ask was not 'has he changed?' but 'can I live with who he is?'
L
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