StandingStrong

This has been a big debate between a friend of mine and I. So, I thought I'd ask all of you here.

(I also wondered if the reasoning behind the answers may be similar due to our experience with codependency and living with an A)

So, here's the question..................


Can a person do something they regret - but not regret the result?


Here's an example:
I do not regret marrying my XAH. I do not regret marrying him because I don't regret my children, which I wouldn't have had without him, etc.

Debating friend says:
You can regret having had sexual intercourse with someone - but not regret the result (such as a child being born of it).

Okay - that's one example of the debate of regretting an action but not regretting the consequence.

Just thought I'd pick your mind for thoughts.

ICU

I'm applying this question to my last relationship. There certainly have been 'times' I regret ever laying eyes on him. But, since I view him, or rather our relationshp as my 'catalyst' to change, I, begrudingly say that I don't regret the outcome....in-so-far as the realizations that I have come to about my own life, and the changes I've made in myself since.

In this capacity, I would have to say since something positive came from it, then, 'no'...I can't regret doing something and NOT regret the result. Maybe I would have 'preferred' these results came about in a different manner. But since I value the result, I don't regret doing what I did to get the result. Did I just go around in a circle here, or what? LOL

newenglandgirl

I think it's natural to regret certain choices, but the truth is that without these "bad" or "wrong" choices we'd never have experiences that make us grow in important ways.

cmc

Life, to me- can't be described in such black & white terms. I've made some great choices that had both good and not so good outcomes. I've also made some poor choices that brought me the same.

Life isn't easy no matter what we do and I just try to learn from my mistakes, enjoy what blessings I have and leave the rest behind. Should have and could have don't help me much- I like to focus on what is and can be.

MsGolightly

i agree with everyone else so far!

i try to live by the motto to not regret anything - because at that time, it was exactly what i wanted... but that doesn't work all the time! there are certain things i regret, that feel so great for the time being, but leave me feeling, for lack of a better word, SAD. but, i think we learn from everything, so there's no point in regretting things i've done.

Sunflower

I am already confused enough don't make it worse--LOL

prodigal

Yeah, I have some regrets, but I can't play Monday morning quarterback and change what occurred after the fact. As far as black-and-white thinking versus grey thinking, I believe we have different perspectives here. There are black-and-white thinkers here and there are grey thinkers here. Some are a mixture of the two.

On the day I married AH, I did not have any hesitancy. I loved the man. We had a beautiful wedding. The following day, when we had said goodbye to our families and they were heading home, I had a sudden "yikes" moment. Things started happening gradually over time that had not been evident prior to the marriage. I'll never forget his best friend's mom telling me, "Honey, you're getting one of the good ones."

Yeah, I got a "good" one alright ... good (downright masterful) at blowing smoke up everyone's wazoo to the point they thought he was just a WONDERFUL fella. If they only knew the real story ...

So, I don't regret loving the man and marrying him at the time I did it, based on what I knew. The outcome is a different story. But I can't change that, can I?

I regret making the choice to follow AH out here to Arizona. However, the outcome was positive: I've met some folks from F&F who are wonderful and I treasure them. Bad choice, positive outcome ...

chero

This thread reminds of this guy I used to date when I was younger...before ah. This guy's motto was "no regrets" and he really lived by it.

But the older I get the more I can see how unrealistic it seems to say that.

I am grateful for everything I've learned but I would not have chosen this way to learn these lessons. NO WAY! And if I got a do-over I would choose a different path. I might end up at the same place but I would not pick this one on purpose again.

best

I see it all the time right here on SR.

When we reach that point in our recovery that we truly start to see the truths of life... So many times I see people (self included) say how blessed they are by learning such things but not liking what it took for us to learn them.
It took what I experienced in life for me to learn the things I have learned.
If there was another way ...I would rather take it but for what I have learned...I am grateful for the end result.

chero

I can't say I'm there yet, Best.

I know I have sooo much more to learn and if learning the new stuff is going to be as hard as learning the old stuff was....

Hmm...I guess I don't have a lot of opportunities, do I? Except to be a QUICK study!

lilac

We are the people we are today because of our choices.........good or bad.

I don't think that is a bad thing, all part of growing.

kglast

i agree with lilac....and from my personal experience, i have no regrets with my A except that he won't stop drinking. i have shared some of the most beautiful moments of my life with him and wouldn't trade those loving moments for anything. he is and always will be the love of my life. unfortunately, he is sick...and it breaks my heart to have to walk away but i don't regret being with him for 3 1/2 yrs....

SaTiT

I don't have enough marbles to figure it out or rather I don't know what the end results would be either way or anyway. I'm just doing the best that I can today. It depends what one definds as regrets. I guess I'll have to get over it wheather I regret it or not. I guess I'm still regreting alot of my chioces or not making chioces. I hate cross roads questions..lol
Then there's intuitions you gotta throw into mix.
Did that make any sense ? Cuz it dosn't to me....

So I'm just going to trun it over, now.