OT- Would like your opinions and advice please
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
OT- Would like your opinions and advice please
Sorry this is so long guys, but this has been burning me up all day and I'm dwelling and dwelling on it, and well, I'm hoping you guys will give me some advice.
I have a long time (ex) friend whom my daughter rents from. We are no longer friends because she is (IMO) a greedy, self centered, mentally ill person. Anyway, your opinions please. This woman is 47 years old, always lived at home w/her parents until they died. She lived in the basement apt., never paid a dime of rent (even tho her husband worked 2 full time jobs), spent money constantly trying to "keep up with the Jones", filing bankruptcy 3 times, owes the IRS tons of money (and is not even worried), before her parents went into a nursing home, they transferred the deed to their house to their 3 children (my friend is one of them) with the understand that my friend could live there forever. My friend mortgaged the place (which was free and clear) to the hilt, didn't pay mortgage payments for over 2 years, had me call and pretend I was her to keep her out of foreclosure, I have lent her money (all the while her husband working 2 jobs, her working 1), finally they were going to foreclose on the house, her brother bailed her out and put the mortgage in his name, then my friend's husband (who she treated like a dog, cursed at every day, and made him clean the house from top to bottom before he could sleep) died as a result of a car accident, she stood to gain $500,000 (double indemnity) from the life insurance cause of accident death, she only got the original $250,000 cause there were other contributing factors, she spent that already (this was only last year), claims she is in therapy for over a year cause she is a grieving widow and when her brother and sister wanted to be bought out of the house (at dirt cheap price), she thought they had nerve since she is grieving the loss of her husband. Her 21 year old daughter won't drive a car or leave her mother's side, mother claims it's because of her father's death (the 21 year old treated her father like dirt, but now that he's dead it's "my daddy"), that same daughter has had asthma all her life (so do many other people) but her mother (my exfriend) is taking her to drs upon drs. (each dr. says after a while it's in their heads so they find new ones) to say how deathy ill this 21 year old is. This friend also has never paid a bill in her life, owes everyone and was so happy that she didn't have to pay her dead husband's debts, has owed me money many times over the years (never paid) and my daughter rents an apt from her. In the past I have paid my daughter's rent to her six mos. in advance (several times and my daughter paid me monthly) to try and save that house from foreclosure. My exfriend doesn't think of that as a favor, she thinks I wanted to do that for me. My daughter lost her job (due to injury) for over a month and a half, fell behind on the rent, now she is back working and trying to catch up, made a deal with exfriend to pay a certain amount a week, exfriend went snooping in my daughter's car and apt to find paystubs, is now demanding more money and thinking she did nothing wrong by snooping because she feels my daughter (her tentant) should tell her how much she makes, what her expenses are and show her her budget. She feels she did nothing wrong. She also takes my daughter's pots, pan, socks and towels (I know that to be a fact because I bought my daughter certain towels and exfriend cut the tags off with the maker's name on it). She also won't ever remember a conversation they way it really happens. She twists it all in her head. After my daughter told me today what had happened, I called this exfriend and told her exactly what I thought of her (in a horrible, mean way), called her greed, self centered, told her she mooched off people her whole life, and was downright trash among other things. In a way I feel horrible about saying it, but it burned me to no end that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to snoop in my daughter's personal space, that she had every right. I also told her now my daughter is not paying the back rent, if she doesn't like it, evict her but the IRS will know she received all that rent money for the past 6 years. I now expect she will retaliate against my daughter, and I don't know how to handle it. I am so mad at myself for blowing my recovery. I reacted, not acted. And now this weekend, when I'm away, my AH said he was going over there to put a padlock on my daughter's apartment so exfriend can't come in. I'm a little nervous about that. Any suggestions would be helpful.
I have a long time (ex) friend whom my daughter rents from. We are no longer friends because she is (IMO) a greedy, self centered, mentally ill person. Anyway, your opinions please. This woman is 47 years old, always lived at home w/her parents until they died. She lived in the basement apt., never paid a dime of rent (even tho her husband worked 2 full time jobs), spent money constantly trying to "keep up with the Jones", filing bankruptcy 3 times, owes the IRS tons of money (and is not even worried), before her parents went into a nursing home, they transferred the deed to their house to their 3 children (my friend is one of them) with the understand that my friend could live there forever. My friend mortgaged the place (which was free and clear) to the hilt, didn't pay mortgage payments for over 2 years, had me call and pretend I was her to keep her out of foreclosure, I have lent her money (all the while her husband working 2 jobs, her working 1), finally they were going to foreclose on the house, her brother bailed her out and put the mortgage in his name, then my friend's husband (who she treated like a dog, cursed at every day, and made him clean the house from top to bottom before he could sleep) died as a result of a car accident, she stood to gain $500,000 (double indemnity) from the life insurance cause of accident death, she only got the original $250,000 cause there were other contributing factors, she spent that already (this was only last year), claims she is in therapy for over a year cause she is a grieving widow and when her brother and sister wanted to be bought out of the house (at dirt cheap price), she thought they had nerve since she is grieving the loss of her husband. Her 21 year old daughter won't drive a car or leave her mother's side, mother claims it's because of her father's death (the 21 year old treated her father like dirt, but now that he's dead it's "my daddy"), that same daughter has had asthma all her life (so do many other people) but her mother (my exfriend) is taking her to drs upon drs. (each dr. says after a while it's in their heads so they find new ones) to say how deathy ill this 21 year old is. This friend also has never paid a bill in her life, owes everyone and was so happy that she didn't have to pay her dead husband's debts, has owed me money many times over the years (never paid) and my daughter rents an apt from her. In the past I have paid my daughter's rent to her six mos. in advance (several times and my daughter paid me monthly) to try and save that house from foreclosure. My exfriend doesn't think of that as a favor, she thinks I wanted to do that for me. My daughter lost her job (due to injury) for over a month and a half, fell behind on the rent, now she is back working and trying to catch up, made a deal with exfriend to pay a certain amount a week, exfriend went snooping in my daughter's car and apt to find paystubs, is now demanding more money and thinking she did nothing wrong by snooping because she feels my daughter (her tentant) should tell her how much she makes, what her expenses are and show her her budget. She feels she did nothing wrong. She also takes my daughter's pots, pan, socks and towels (I know that to be a fact because I bought my daughter certain towels and exfriend cut the tags off with the maker's name on it). She also won't ever remember a conversation they way it really happens. She twists it all in her head. After my daughter told me today what had happened, I called this exfriend and told her exactly what I thought of her (in a horrible, mean way), called her greed, self centered, told her she mooched off people her whole life, and was downright trash among other things. In a way I feel horrible about saying it, but it burned me to no end that she thought it was perfectly acceptable to snoop in my daughter's personal space, that she had every right. I also told her now my daughter is not paying the back rent, if she doesn't like it, evict her but the IRS will know she received all that rent money for the past 6 years. I now expect she will retaliate against my daughter, and I don't know how to handle it. I am so mad at myself for blowing my recovery. I reacted, not acted. And now this weekend, when I'm away, my AH said he was going over there to put a padlock on my daughter's apartment so exfriend can't come in. I'm a little nervous about that. Any suggestions would be helpful.
My Cape Is at The Cleaners
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Metropolis
Posts: 1,117
Well I think it's up to your daughter to handle this, not you.
As hard as it is, since your daughter is on her own, this is one of the things she must deal with.
Just stand back for right now.
As hard as it is, since your daughter is on her own, this is one of the things she must deal with.
Just stand back for right now.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
How old is your daughter? If she's old enough to live away from home, then I would suggest she is old enough to fight her own battles. Although, that doesn't mean you can't make the suggestion that she starts looking for somewhere else to live.
Recovering Nicely
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2006
Posts: 935
Thanks everyone, my daughter is 25, single mom of two girls (6 and 4), doesn't get any child support, father of them is not in picture (he in an alcoholic who hasn't seen them in 4 years), and an LPN. You're right, it is toxic and she is going to look for another place, it's a matter of what to do while she is still living here. This exfriend's lover is an ex-con who started some crap with my daughter a while ago also. It's hard to step back when this person is soooo vendictive. But I'll try.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
Im sure you feel involved just based on the fact that she was, at one time at least, a friend.
But I agree with everyone else . Your daughter can handle it . Support her while she looks for another place and stand back , as hard as that may be .
good luck to you , i hope shes out of there fast !
But I agree with everyone else . Your daughter can handle it . Support her while she looks for another place and stand back , as hard as that may be .
good luck to you , i hope shes out of there fast !
Member
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,351
OK--no one will agree with me AGAIN on this--but I wouldn't step back--she is your daughter--raising kids alone (just like I did as a nurse with no daddy in the pic for my son or childsupport)
I would assist her in finding a place to live and help her move--she may be an adult but she has her hands full and you are probably all she has.I have been there.
I still don't get that thinking that if your adult child has a problem you should walk away-why? What is wrong with helping her? She is trying to make a life for herself and her children and needs some help. Are you supposed to walk away everytime something goes wrong? To me that is a cop out as a parent. We are not talking about enabling an A here.
Some parents wonder why their adult children never help them--maybe this is why? The day will come where you will be older and need help--should they jus walk away from you?
As far as your ex friend--I know to many like her-they get away with everything-everyone gives them everything-and they always land on their feet.
So sorry you slipped and got angry and told her off....oh well she probably deserves it.....
I would assist her in finding a place to live and help her move--she may be an adult but she has her hands full and you are probably all she has.I have been there.
I still don't get that thinking that if your adult child has a problem you should walk away-why? What is wrong with helping her? She is trying to make a life for herself and her children and needs some help. Are you supposed to walk away everytime something goes wrong? To me that is a cop out as a parent. We are not talking about enabling an A here.
Some parents wonder why their adult children never help them--maybe this is why? The day will come where you will be older and need help--should they jus walk away from you?
As far as your ex friend--I know to many like her-they get away with everything-everyone gives them everything-and they always land on their feet.
So sorry you slipped and got angry and told her off....oh well she probably deserves it.....
let it grow!
Join Date: Oct 2006
Location: USA
Posts: 15,540
i can agree with a lot of what you say, sunflower. rule at my house is we'll help our adult daughter if it works towards her recovery AND she asks nicely. it's a fine line, though, sometimes - enabling and helping. so i know why it is a big topic on this board..
but agreed, my family never turned their back on me, and i'll never turn mine on them. as long as everyone is working towards a common and positive goal - there is a great amount of strength and comfort in numbers.
blessings, k
but agreed, my family never turned their back on me, and i'll never turn mine on them. as long as everyone is working towards a common and positive goal - there is a great amount of strength and comfort in numbers.
blessings, k
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
I guess it comes back to my guiding phrase - "Wait to be asked".
Stepping in unasked risks falling into the rescuing trap, which only de-skills the rescuee. I learned my best lessons when I had to deal with things on my own and decide when and whom to ask for help.
Stepping in unasked risks falling into the rescuing trap, which only de-skills the rescuee. I learned my best lessons when I had to deal with things on my own and decide when and whom to ask for help.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: England
Posts: 3,410
Nope. But then neither have I ever suggested leaving q's daughter high and dry. Support is fabulous. Making decisions and solving problems for an adult who has not indicated that they are unable to either both does no-one any favours.
I hope everything gets sorted without any majot hassle. Your daughter has enough on her plate, q, without the added stress.
I hope everything gets sorted without any majot hassle. Your daughter has enough on her plate, q, without the added stress.
Let Go Let God
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: jersey shore
Posts: 437
i totally agree with helping her daughter out , however , i think the daughter should handle the landlord on her own . She needs to be able to take care of herself especially if she is a single parent .
As far as helping her get on her feet again and finding another place to live , absolutely , do as much as you are able to do for her and your grandchildren. Family is family and mine has never let me down
As far as helping her get on her feet again and finding another place to live , absolutely , do as much as you are able to do for her and your grandchildren. Family is family and mine has never let me down
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