lanie67

I am in pain and I need to share. It's a long complicated saga, I just typed out the whole sordid sequence of events and then erased it because it is too confusing. What happened is that a friend betrayed me. She drinks a lot. She supported me for a while when a man I had a flirtation with was disparaging me because I'd found out he was being dishonest with me, told a friend, who told someone else and it got back to him. When I told her that I was uncomfortable with several things happening in our friendship, she took brilliant, diabolical revenge on me in a way I've never really experienced in my life. She went to the man and announced to him that he was right, I am 'crazy', (which was what he was saying about me because he was angry I'd caught him in a lie). She flirted with him and continues to. She aligned herself with him and began disparaging me in the same way he has, saying that I am 'crazy'. I know it's trivial, but I am beyond hurt by this. I would not do these things to someone, ever, I can't even wrap my head around the need for this kind of revenge, just because I wanted a little distance from the friendship. Apparently she has massive abandonment issues, and the daily drinking helps numb out whatever remorse she is capable of.

The thing is, I am hurting and I am furious with myself for being hurt about this. I'm angry for not seeing it coming, that I could be so badly duped into thinking someone was my friend, when there is no way our friendship could have been real for her to do these things. I feel stupid and humiliated and like I have lost some dignity. I am having bad feelings about this all around, and the problem is I can't let go because I'm so angry at myself for allowing this to happen, and allowing myself to be fooled, that I can't process through my feelings and let go. I was stabbed in the back by three people in a row and she was the third, but I never expected it from her. I'm sorry if sharing this is self-indulgent and childish, but I am worried about the pain this is causing me and the fact that I have been holding back tears over this because I am too proud to let myself cry over it. To watch this woman flirt with this man that I cared about so much, and that I confided *everything* to her about him, to know she is sharing with him the most vulnerable emotions I shared with her about how he hurt me, when I was trying to keep a stiff upper lip in public...and the worst of it is that I feel guilty for feeling so much pain about it because there is so much real pain in the world. I am telling myself I have no right to my feelings, and should be ashamed about being hurt over being 'played' by this man, and then by her. Again, sorry if this sounds like a soap opera...I've just not seen a woman do another woman this way since I was in high school, and I'm almost 40. I didn't listen to the red flags I guess. I'm only sharing this because I'm worried about my reluctance to process through these emotions because I'm so angry that I allowed something like this happened to me. I feel I should have been smarter, and I feel completely humiliated. Okay, I'll shut up.

Sunflower

seems you can't trust anyone with your private info no matter what age----its not worth even thinking about----consid
er the source

lanie67

You are right. I was very, very childish in my behavior, and what's worse is this is a pattern for me. I can't count how many times I have confided in people and had my confidences broken. I need to learn to keep my mouth shut. I don't know, do other people have this happen to them on a regular basis? I ignored red flags in both her case and his and I am paying for it. This is ACOA stuff, it's on that list of 13 characteristics that someone posted here the other day, #12, the one that resonated with me the most, being loyal in the face of evidence that that is the worst thing that I could possibly do. I am just so angry with myself for having gotten myself into this situation. It's my anger at myself that is causing the problems and not allowing me to move out of it.

Golfman

Turn off the a*s kickin' machine and give yourself a break. What's done is done, you can't go back and change it. I used to take these kind of things and mull them over for days. You know..."If I'd only done this, if I'd only done that." All that crap never changed anything.

it's what you do from now on that will make a difference. Not allowing you to move on? BS!!!!! It's you, not the anger holding you back. You want to continuously beat yourself and figure the longer you beat yourself, the better the chance might be that you won't do it again.

Fact is, nothing changes if nothing changes. "If I always do what I always did, I'm always gonna' get what I always got." Change something in the way you look at things. I know it's very hard to do. I spent 17 years doing the same thing thinking that the results were going to be different. Definition of insanity.

We'll love you till you love yourself and then we'll keep loving you. Help us help you by doing anything different than you used to do it before.

mallowcup

Tell your diary your troubles next time instead of your friends. Writing things down and thinking them through helps you work things out. If you tell people your personal business, it stops being personal and can become a vulnerability.

Ngokpa

I hung out with the wrong people for years because I was terrified to be alone.

I thought the choice was to trust everyone absolutely or trust nobody at all.

I had to get smarter about how to have friends, how to be a friend, and which friends to have.

To do that, I had to work with the mess, and find the right places to sort it out.

Hope you get there.

lanie67

That second sentence is what I do. Or rather, I pick someone, anyone, whoever is nice to me, and just fling absolute trust their way. I have had very few friends in my adult life outside of AA, and even those I never really let get close to me. I know that finally hp is telling me that it is time to work on this stuff. I feel bad sharing about it here because it seems so minor, but this has been going on for a couple of months and I can't allow myself to feel pain about it because I feel so stupid about it, because I did this to myself. I am only a victim of my own stupidity here. Well, I have a few tears now, so that's good. What the person said above about telling the journal is the truth. I know that as a child I got no validation from my mother when I was in times of crisis, she was a severely abused child and when bad things happened to us as children she just would shut down and not react emotionally at all, or blame us, in cases where we were hurt physically. I think I am looking for a 'mother figure' in these people that I can confide in and be validated, and that just is not going to happen, except with hp. As I said above, it is not so much the situation but my refusal to allow myself to process the pain that I am worried about...hence my post.

I'm editing to add that I have major waterworks going on here now, which is good thing, so I thank everyone for allowing me to share about this and for responding. I have Aspergers syndrome, so I do not have many friends, and have a lot of trouble in this area...for me to get close to someone is rare. I haven't really had a friend in about 5 years or so, and I got really close to this woman I thought, and now I see that it was not genuine from her end. Aspies have a lot of trouble discerning things like that, which is a topic really for an autism forum and not here, but that is part of why this is what it is for me. I just needed to do something to kick start this emotional process; in response to golfman, starting this thread is the thing I wouldn't normally do to...but I have to get this out however stupid (and embarassing) it is.

Zoey

Getting it out is the best thing you can do, Tears heal also.
Keep coming back. Share any time

Caring, understanding hugs.

mallowcup

Glad you found this place, you can tell us and we won't hurt you with it.

LGLG07

I have had a similar situation happen to me about 7 months ago . I will not go into detail as its a long long story but my immediate nxt door neighbor and I became very good friends when we moved there 4 yrs ago . Her kids were always at my house and we did most things together (with or without our children) We were very close and both had some marital issues . My ah was in & out of rehab last summer and I confided everything in her . Only to hear later that what she said to me and what she said behind my back were totally different things . She even said that I did some horrible thing to her that I never even came close to doing .

It was so difficult to imagine that someone could do something so horrible to me . I've had the same friends for 20 yrs and never so much as had an arguement with them . This whole situation was foreign for me and , like you , I had no idea how to handle it .

It was weeks until I stopped crying and could eat again (lost 10lbs ! , not a diet I recommend) And then it was months before I could keep the situation from consuming my every thought . I never beat myself up over it because I was truly hurt , she attacked my character and because I feel so strongly about who I am and know deep down that I didnt deserve what she did to me I felt justified for feeling that way .

I did after a few months manage to put it behind me . I see her all the time still (we are neighbors , kids go to the same school) but I look right through her , no feelings whatsoever . I never talked about her , never told any of our neighbors (with the exception of 2 that witnessed it) about he incident and it just died out .

The reason you are so hurt by this is because you know you deserve more and if you didnt love yourself you wouldnt feel that way . Now you just have to pick up those pieces and put it behind you . Avoid her at all costs if thats possible and dont speak a word abt her to anyone , talking about it just keeps it alive . Learn from this and like Mallow said , Keep a diary !

parentrecovers

i'm sorry, lanie. i'm glad you came here and got it off your chest. blessings, k

Sunflower

I am like you as far as being far to open about my life--I also ''fling''truth at everyone-sometimes maybe too soon

. Do you think thats negative or positive??Most people I meet after describe me as a happy go lucky person--and sooo friendly--I'll take that over being called a ""bitch"" at-least I know what the truth is. I know it helps others to share with my life because it usually causes them to open up--

Its when it comes to male/female stuff you need to be more careful.

And really who cares what anyone thinks about you except you?You have to start being good to yourself--love yourself--then being alone isn't that hard.


I am also disabled with lupus and fibromyalgia--it does shut you out from the ''real''world--and like it or not friends/loved ones/ they walk away when you are young and ill. I have lost lifelong friends--I don't even think about relationships anymore.I put that in the HP hands.

You tend to be outgoing when you don't get out much.Don't look back and question yourself and whatt you said or didn't say--Its a done deal.

You can tell us here anything----we won't hurt you....

lanie67

Thank you so much for relating that, especially your timeline for healing. I have been obsessing about it and I really just need to stop, but I can't. I grieved it a little bit after posting this and that helped...this woman is very, very well-liked and charming, and her saying this just add credence to what the man was saying, it's like she underscored his accusations about me although she knows better than anyone that they are not true. It was completely diabolical...just witnessing something like this has stunned me because I've never really met anyone so conniving. I am hung up on trying to 'understand' or 'make sense of' the behavior, which makes no sense to me at all. This woman has had two suicide attempts in the last year, so I know that there are problems there. Well, I am not her higher power, so I just need to let go. Like you I have pulled my energy out of the situation, and have no contact. I have had to do that with three people in a row. This is just something foreign to my experience, like with you, but you have no idea how much your sharing helped me, to feel less alone. I guess everyone has experiences with people like this, who seem to be conniving and lack remorse. Thanks for relating your experience, it really helped.

Pilgrim

Does she have someone she cares about? Have a wee makeover, go shopping, dress nicely and go flirt!! Living well is our best revenge.

LGLG07

Im glad my story helped you . Believe me when I tell you , I know exactly how you feel but you cannot talk sense into senseless people . For the first few weeks I debated talking to her about it because certainly I can make her understand . Im so glad I didnt do it . It would of just escalated .

Take care of yourself now . You learned a valuable lesson even though it was painful . Grieve for a reasonable amount of time and then move on , taking the lesson with you .

Lots of luck to you ! I'm rooting for you !
M

lanie67

you are right, and I do think that this woman and one of the men involved are like the main characters in "Dangerous Liasions"; they do this for sport, it seems, just playing with people like chess pieces. Of the whole sordid saga the seeming lack of remorse is what I find most incomprehensible. I wouldn't be able to sleep at night if I'd behaved in that way. I realize now that I need to take myself out of that whole setting that rewards this kind of behavior over honesty. I did have a sense that the woman was surprised it didn't turn into a tete a tete so to speak, I truly believe she wanted to have more confrontations after the initial betrayal. One thing I have noticed with several of the parties is that they kind of 'misbehaved' at me, in order, it seems, to get me to express some anger at them. I think it's because subconsciously they feel guilty and anger from me is what they feel they deserve. They aren't going to get it though. If they ever get into the program they can make a real amend, other than that the relationships are just over. Thanks for your experience, strength and hope.

justjo

Lanie, I relate a little to you. I agree with everything Golfman said,especially now I am older with 3 grown kids of my own.
I grew up not trusting anyone. I know why and found it incredibly hard to make friends. Everyone would say how nice I was but I couldnt get close. When I did let my guard down, push!!! someone would take advantage of me.
Now at 47 I am a strong, confident woman has come along way (and Im proud to say that) who loves people not matter if they are bs artists or not. I decided its ok thats who they are, Im not taking them home with me tonight.
You know what I did? I started thinking about what was really important.. you know - did it matter if someone said something or lied or whatever. Did it matter what any one else thought. I knew I was a good genuine person.
Hold your head high whenever you see her and feel sorry for her.

lanie67

Thanks. In this case I am having to remove myself from the whole scenario because at first it was just one man and then another man jumped on the bandwagon and then she, my supposed 'best friend' did as well. When three people say you have lied, (I have not, throughout this whole scenario I kept my side of the street clean) and these people are 'well-liked' and very charismatic personalities, you are kind of out-numbered. I know that the lesson is that I needed to disassociate myself from that group of people because it was not a healthy environment for me. This was just higher power's way of brining it about. I know that God can work through the arseholes and the angels both to put me where I need to be. I had signs these relationships were destructive and I didn't listen, and just like with alcohol hp just let me get into a point of pain where I was willing. What hp has shown me is it is time to really focus on my ACOA and codependency issues, I've hit a bottom with this situation in that way. When I hit a bottom with alcohol it was really the greatest thing that ever happened to me, and this will be a great thing once I fully let go.

crrogers22

Although I would have to see your friend to be certain, it sounds like your friend has something called borderline personality disorder. The base rate of this disorder in persons who abuse EtOH and/or cocaine is pretty high -- around 50%. Therefore, it's nothing you did and therefore nothing you should be ashamed of. If she has massive abadnonment issues, realize that you need to emotionally detach from her. Detaching gently is even more urgent if she is borderline because they will make frantic efforts to keep you from leaving.

lanie67

Thanks for posting that. I don't know if she is a borderline, of course this is armchair for me but I think it might be NPD. Whatever it is, the abandonment issues are horrendous but I had no idea about them until that diabolical revenge got put into action. I'm still in shock about it, never having had this happen to me before. I mean, I've had confidences betrayed but never someone go this far to support someone in things she knows are lies. I detached the moment this happened, completely cut off contact. Same with the other two. I have just used very bad judgement and now I am paying for it. I didn't listen to my red flags. Thanks for that information, I didn't know the rate of addiction was so high.