embraced2000

help....i'm stuck in the blecchhhs and can't get out. i'm gonna eat worms if something doesn't shift here.

don't know what's wrong.....been funky for goin on two weeks now i think.

don't know what's wrong.....i know plenty that is right, tho.

feel this real quiet anger brewin and it's starting to really bother me.....i feel fear for this anger that is stewing in me. like if i let it out of the closet, it is going to make me go invisible.

this is a really, really bad feeling folks. nothing has changed as far as meds. no major changes in my life.

i feel like if i even recognize this anger i am feeling towards my x and give it some sort of life, i may spin off the face of the earth.

now, i know this is all really drama....ok?

just having a real hard time turning it over.

i'm so ticked that he is the alcoholic and does the outrageous things, hurtful destructful things, criminal things, cruel things, awful things......but yet i am the one sitting in a meeting every week acknowledging with a bunch of other victims of alcoholism (yes....i said....victims) that I AM THE SICK ONE THAT NEEDS HELP!!!!!

bouncing off the walls and all over the map today

hopeangel

you know, i was thinking about you and i sensed something was wrong. maybe just acknowledging it and getting it out will help? i hope. (((hugs)))

Pick-a-name

I have been in a funk like that recently,too......I find myself starting to get angry at myself for feeling that way. UGH.

Hope it's a passing thing for both of us....maybe we are healing and "processing" things in a different and unfamiliar way and fear our reactions in the past. Maybe it's just another layer of the onion... Who wouldn't be angry? Now; where do we go from here ?

Hope today is the beginning of this lifting...for both of us!
hugs to you, Jeri

Cynay

Wow hon.... Its called Healing ((Embraced))

Anger, Sadness, Fear and Sorrow. Those are the healing emotions and you have alot to heal from so it makes sense that the anger is deep and scarry....

Just let it go, they are only feelings and you dont have to act on them.... but to heal you will have to feel ALL of them.

WantsOut

I don't see any sick victims around here. I see a lot of strong people who just needed some guidance to find their way out of a dark forest.

MsGolightly

i think we all get like this sometimes, and we come out the other end, and we think "man, what a funk i was in!"

i believe it will pass and you'll come out stronger than ever... but for now, i know how much it stinks. i'll be thinking of you.

elizabeth1979

Me too.
I did realize though that I was getting angry in part because I hadn't forgiven myself for staying, leaving, controling, enabling, sacrificing, martyring, whatever. I was so ashamed of myself that I tolerated that behavior in my home for so many years that I think I was becoming a mean mean woman.

I forgave myself. It helped a litlle!

parentrecovers

i understand and bleccchhhhhhhhhhh!!!!!! describes it very well. when i get stuck - and i do often, believe me - sometimes alittle extra reading in alanon lit helps. or i just get moving, distract myself with a project or some exercise.

it's ok. it'll lift if you keep coming back.

blessings, k

embraced2000

hope...one thing about us all....we have good "sensors" don't we? i guess we can look at that as a gift that all of this has given us. i've been thinking of you too.

pick...peeling that onion.....one day, maybe we will reach that brightly, shining, blinding light that is at our core, huh? hope your funk passes, too, pick.

cynay....you are always the voice of reason for me.....i cyber love ya!!! you are right...they are only feelings....my feelings do not have a physical prescence with the power to overtake me.

wants....i sit in al-anon meetings each week and as i look around, (and although i am truly grateful for being there) i find myself resentful that the alcoholic in my life and others have caused so much damage to all of these spirits....but, yet, are they not also a spirit? oh, it's just too much, sometimes to wrap my head around. the dark forest has grabbly, swinging, thorny branches, for sure.

inthis......your dog looks exactly like my rudy-dog!!! exactly!!! mine is a maltese mix, 15 lbs and so smart i have to spell in front of him....he figured that out, so now i speak pig-latin if it's something i don't want him to know. think i have lost it?????? nahh!!!!!!

elizabeth.....your description hit dead on....something else i would add for myself would be the uncertainity of rebuilding this new person from the inside out.....am i up to it? am i capable? will i like me? am i worthy? today is a really weird-ed out day for me.

parent.....i admire so much your ability to reach out to others during your own journey with your daughter. so many people have remarked about the difference of this experience with a mate/spouse, or a child. i hope i never, never have to find out. i feel selfish even complaining when there are parents with children that are in trouble with this awful demon. blessings to you, k....many, many blessings. talk about powerlessness....i always had the false idealization that i could just swallow up my chidren whole to keep them safe....

fluffyflea

You aren't a victim, you are a survivor going to meetings and acknowledging you need help.

Focus on you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Earthworm

Zoey

I feel like that often, so no wisdom here, just wanted to send hugs.

Astro

Must be some funkiness going around, I feel that way too.

And I hate to say it but another meeting is probably what I need most. Then I'll be reminded that I'm not a victim, I'm a volunteer. Yeah, OK, whatever. God I hate it when they're right;-)

embraced2000

well, astro, i can honestly tell you that although i volunteered for most of it, he did plenty of victimizing, too.

plenty. i got out of it....yep, i got out.

i'm getting very tired of feeling somewhat brainwashed about my part in it all.

sometimes i feel like a bleeting sheep following some light to someplace i don't know, all the while saying all the recovery phrases.......over and over.

Astro

I know he did, Jeri, being an abusive alcoholic I'm coming to understand how we do that to the ones we love. I'm sympathizing more than anything.

And now for another stupid recovery phrase- This too shall pass (I'm gonna choke the next person who says that to me)

embraced2000

here's a bleeting sheep singing my song of the day:

n-n-n-n-ooo b-b-b-body l-l-l-ikes me me me me
eeevvvvery b-b-b-boddddyyyy h-h-h-h-ates me me me me
g-g-g-gues-s-s-s i'll e-e-e-e-at a w-w-w-w-ormmmmm


ahhhhhhh, i just need to go sit in the dirtpile today and dig with a spoon and drool in a cup. and clap both hands when i find a pretty rock.

Astro

Weird visual there of an adult sitting in a dirtpile drooling, but I can see an active alcoholic doing it!!

BigSis

For me, those feelings are mostly attached to dying expectations.

Before ALanon, I LIVED in the future. I was often in a dream state, spent hours writing fantasy stories, my favorite books were Science fiction (why? because those are often set in a FUTURE time).

I built entire worlds there.

Then addiction/active alcoholism came into my life, and like a bull in a china shop... it DESTROYED my pretty visions.

That made me mad. It hurt. It made me feel defeated and unworthy.

But what I am coming to discover, is that the present is not such a terrible place. As my trust in a Higher Power grows, so does my appreciation of the "present". Being present all the time means having, and acknowledging feelings.

What I also know is that "This too shall pass".

And if it doesn't, then with prayer and medication, I will make it through.

... and yeah, you read that right. Sometimes, we need to see a physician just to be sure that we aren't dealing with early menopause, clinical depression or other physical/chemical imbalances.

(((hugs)))

Sunflower

yup you need help too---I posted a while back that when my AS became sober and stayed that way--I started to freak out for too much quiet as I was used to riding on that rollercoaster---once the melodrama stopped--all MY bad stuf can to the surface---hang in there...

HolyQow

Don't you have diabetes? Did you test today?

When my daughter is in a foul mood, for no apparent reason, I make her go test..... if the number is fine, then she is in trouble, and if it's up too high, then she gets a break. Her moods are directly related to her BG level...and the rest of the time, PMS has struck down another one! I am not sure which is worse!

(even if she tests okay, I usually check back a few, because if it has been bouncing high to low and back again, her moods reflect that, even if she tests fine at that moment.)

You have to make a trip to McDs to get gift certificates anyways, so go outside and get some sunshine!

embraced2000

yup, i have diabetes, and my numbers are really good and have been good for a long time. i've been through the menopause thing, too.

just eatin' worms today, that's all (and the past two weeks)!

holy, my son has type 1, too....he was diagnosed at 15.....so many kids now have type 1.....it's scary, huh?

btw...if that's your pic, your skin is absolutely beautiful.


i guess what i'm doing is having growing pains.....at least i hope so. maybe i'm putting to rest some left over garbage that needs to be thrown out.

eeee gads, i hate to say it....but this too shall pass.