My Bottom
 

I am truly at the very lowest point of my entire life. I feel completely defeated, and really ready to just give up. I have always considered myself a strong, independent person - well before life w/ my AH anyway. Things are just so bad right now. He has no job. We have no money, yet he still finds the means to drink. He is verbally abusive - sober or drunk. And I don't mean name-calling, etc. He's just mean. If it wasn't for you...The last 10 years with you have been misery, no wonder I drink... I know it's the alcohol. But I really do believe that I no longer feel like I deserve better than this. I feel like maybe I am what he says. I certainly have played my part in this disease. I am deeply ashamed by many, if not most, of the things that I have done and said with regard to his drinking. I have screamed, threatened, belittled, thrown his stuff out the door, thrown him out the door (well just gave him a friendly "push" really), etc., etc., etc. My actions have certainly been just as bad/destructive as his drinking. Sometimes I actually want him to talk his talk in the hopes that it will finally give me that push that I so desperately need to get the hell out of this nightmare marriage. Did I just write that? I WANT him to verbally belittle me?!? Forget what is wrong with him, what is wrong with me? I just don't know. I don't know what I am afraid of. Living alone. Being alone. Never having a real family (I am 35, we have no kids). Never meeting anyone else. Chaos has become my comfort zone.

After my husband was d/c from his last stay in rehab, he ran off for a few days to stay with a "friend" that just happened to be a woman that he met in rehab. I actually drove to her house and picked him up. I absolutely hate myself for being so weak. I am so embarrassed and ashamed of this. I am truly a fool and all but gave him permission to treat me like such. For so many years I have been second best to the alcohol and finally to another woman, excuse me "friend".

I know what I need to do. I just can't figure out what has kept me from taking that step. I just needed to get some of this out. At this point, I truly believe I am worse off than my husband. At least he gets to drink and zone out for a bit. Thanks for listening. This week has been so bad.

:(

i can sense your anger and frustration, and i know how hard and difficult it is. but, do you really think you'll be happy in this marriage?

the way i see it is: we only live once. you can take this opportunity now to move out on your own, to buy a puppy or a cat if you don't already have one, and get through the pain that way. i hate to say it, but it doesn't sound like this marriage is going anywhere, and chances are it's not going to be the happy ending you've thought it would be.

do you still love him? do you love yourself? you sound so miserable and unhappy and it makes my heart hurt for you. if you can only control yourself, what can you do to make your life better? write some ideas down and do one of them. living alone and being alone shouldn't be your reasons for not wanting to leave - although i can understand them! you don't deserve to be treated this way or feel this way AT ALL, and i can bet you that you won't be alone forever as long as you have the strength to pull away now, while you can.

you know what you deserve, and it's a lot better than what you've gotten. if you don't change the direction you're headed, you WILL end up where you're going, and so will he. please keep posting! i hate to see others in this kind of pain, i know how difficult it must be :(

hey whataboutme. You put it into words so eloquently. You are very fortunate not to have children with this man but I know in some strange way that probably is not a comfort to you. It was not a comfort to me with my exabf (btw, i'm close to your age....36).

This sticky may help you to identify why you're "stuck" in this relationship that you know is not good for either of you.

Check it out:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...tionships.html

I am glad you are here. Thank you for reminding me of what i've defeated in my life and why I shouldn't miss him for one second. He is someone else's problem now. PM me if you would like to talk. Much love to you.

Do I love him? I honestly don't know. I don't even know who he is as a sober husband anymore - and I don't mean just abstaining from drinking that day/days with all the retraint that he can muster, I mean really sober. I guess I love what I thought, or hoped, our life together was going to be - financial security, a nice house, kids, friends - as normal a life as anyone could hope for with manageable stress/chaos. And it's none of that.

Do I love me? No. I absolutely loathe the person I have become, that I have allowed myself to become. It's a wonder that I don't drink. I have felt second best to alcohol for so many years and on top of that, to some codependent bimbo that he met in rehab that "understands him" and really just wants to help him get well. And what the heck do I want? For him to continue drinking?!? I guess my own self-esteem may be getting in the way of me letting go of this marriage.

Could we ever be happy (without the drinking)? I always thought I could learn to forgive his behavior while drinking...up until the "other woman" from rehab. That was about a month ago and I have been sitting on this seething rage ever since. I don't know if anything physical even happened between them, but it clearly seems like the intent was there.

The answer is clear. My lack of strength to do what is clearly best for me is as frustrating and irrational as his continued drinking. There really should be a rehab for friends and family of alcoholics. I feel sicker and more out of control than him. I know I should leave, but don't. He knows and admits that he shouldn't drink, but does. Maybe we deserve each other. Misery loves company right?

Thanks for that link appleblaster. "Lack of Individual Identity" seems to just about sum up the way I feel right now. I am nothing with him, but I fear I would be even less without him, if that's possible.

Maybe you are hooked by the irrational belief that: "I am a nobody without a somebody in my life." If you are, you maintain no boundaries with your relationship partners because you are very dependent in getting your identity from being with your partners. You are willing to do whatever it takes to make the relationships happen, even if you have to give up your health, money, security, identity, intelligence, spiritual beliefs, family, country, job, community, friends, values, honor and self-respect. The rational message needed to establish healthy boundaries from this hook is: "I am a somebody, just by being who I am. I am OK just the way I am, even if I do not have my relationship partners in my life. My value and worth as a person is not dependent on having one or more significant others in my life. It is better for me to be on my own and healthy than to be with my relationship partners and be sick intellectually, emotionally and/or physically. I will work diligently with my relationship partners to correct this faulty thinking which has made me too dependent. By being more my own person, my relationships will flourish and grow healthier."

you don't deserve it! start telling yourself that.

pretend this is your best friend in this situation. what would you want her to do? what would you tell her?

why stay in this if it's only driving you crazy and making you angry? life is too short! look at that massacre at virginia tech. at any moment, any one of us could die, and that would be it. some of us would not have lived the lives we wanted to live, and it's our only one! you don't want to be living the last few minutes of your life, one day, and regret that you didn't do more for yourself, or that you didn't try to seek happiness while you could.

why don't you move out for a bit? the pain will be hard to bear at first, but i promise that it will subside...

sounds to me that you are actually better off today than you were yesterday. Today you came to these very heavy conclusions and thats the first step in the right direction .

IMO its time for you to leave this marriage . Its so unhealthy for you to feel this way about yourself . Forget about him and leave him to whoever he is with , they deserve him , you deserve better

((((((huuuuuugs)))))))

"There really should be a rehab for friends and family of alcoholics."
There is.....al-anon and guess what....its free! All you have to do is show up.

"I am nothing with him, but I fear I would be even less without him, if that's possible."
Okay so you cannot get less than nothing so that's a start. Baby steps. Its okay to take baby steps because although they are not huge strides, they move forward just the same. If you can gain one grain of courage then one grain of knowledge then you are on your way!! But of course you will stay until you hit your bottom. I hate to see you do that.

"I don't know if anything physical even happened between them, but it clearly seems like the intent was there."
Let me put it to you another way....its clear that you're resentful towards him (with good reason) so chances are you are not as good of a supply as you used to be to him. A supply of what you may ask? Sex, love, appreciation, joy, acceptance, friendship, money, everything. Alcoholics need a huge supply of these things and they will move to another supply once they exhaust the old one. Its a formula....any alcoholic will tell you....they consume. That's just what they do. If she will tolerate him and not yell then he will hang with her. If she gives him sex then he will hang with her. It could really be as innocent as friendship and his farce of her "understanding him" is really just his joy at finding a fresh supply. But if he is indeed cheating....that's just a dealbreaker and you don't really need a better reason to leave.

"I know I should leave, but don't. He knows and admits that he shouldn't drink, but does. Maybe we deserve each other. Misery loves company right?"
I used to think like that. If you leave you will be scared. You will be lonely for a time. That's okay. Find everything you can to take up your time....good constructive things. Al anon meetings will take up time. Again, you will stay until you just can't anymore unless you gain clarity and leave.

One day you will look back on this and not bash yourself for what you allowed yourself to be put through. You will love yourself and forgive yourself for not taking better care of yourself and your spirit. You will have compassion for him too without feeling the need to help, fix or take anymore of his bullsh*t. You will feel okay with the guidance of your Higher Power and you'll know...........that this was all in your Higher Power's plan all along. Until then remember that no matter what you might think, you are much more valuable than you know. What made it stick for me is hearing that my Higher Power does not waste time making worthless people and surely you must have an important role in this world if you're still here.

Oh, What, I can totally relate to what you said about your comfort zone being in the chaos.

It's so painful to read what you wrote. I, too, have hoped that my AH would do just one more thing to give me the kick I need to get out. Or that he would just leave me since I'm not strong enough to do it myself.

Why do we stay??????

What About Me, you said:

There is such a place for you right now. It is the Women's Shelter in Jacksonville. No you are not physically abuse, however, you have been MENTALLY ABUSED for quite a while now. They can help you. They have councillors. They have programs to help You.

Please give them a call YOU ARE WORTH IT even if you don't think so right now. They can help you.

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care!

Love and hugs,

i think this is some really great advice. follow your gut, what does it tell you? why are you really so afraid to leave?

you aren't getting what you deserve and you know it, so what can you do to make yourself happier?

Square one, that's what I call it and I learned to embrace it so it didn't kill me.
There is a real beauty in being a square one, you can make your life exactly what you want it to be. There is nothing left to lose. Save yourself and start over.

hi- i can relate to your feelings. is there any way you can get separation? go stay somewhere else for a few weeks, have no contact with your AH so you can reestablish your sense of self? if not, try to make it to an alanon meeting, keep posting here, call friends-- don't think you are crazy-- i hung in there until my husband left-- it didn't get too bad before he left, but it is scary- i think i might have hung in there for way longer than i should-- i know because when there were things going on that were not acceptable, i didn't leave/was afraid to make an issue of those things because i didn't want him to leave me-- and he did anyway. you don't have to figure all of this out TODAY-- you don't need to beat yourself up for finding yourself in a bad situation- it took a long time to get there- little things happened to let things go in a way we aren't happy with now-- so maybe little things will happen to get to a place where we will be happy. my husband is sober and gone- i miss him, am lonely-- but, i can take my dog for a walk, exercise, try to eat well- i moved my tv out onto the porch, and haven't watched it for a few weeks-- i think that has helped me- i would turn it on to have noise-- when my husband was here and drinking, we'd watch movies- it was something we shared, but it sure is easy sitting in front of a machine- you don't need to talk/it makes time pass- anyway, i am hoping/banking on the fact that i will feel better so long as i move forward- i'm sorry you are in so much pain, but maybe the pain will direct us to a better way of living. keep posting- there are people here who understand very well what you're going through i think.

(((HUG))) We all know what its like. We see them for what they are yet still hang in there just hoping that one day ... and with this take all the pain, emotional abuse etc. We are grown sensible women yet our hearts dont do as our heads say so nothing makes sense!

As a friend said to me - Its not what it was, its not what it could be but its what it is. This made real sense to me. Can you deal with a future with him as he is NOW? You deserve so much more. I know its painful but sometimes it is better to leave the broken glass on the floor (as in your marriage) and save yourself the damage from trying to fix it.

Take care of yourself. You are a wonderful person and deserve so much more happiness. You are in control of you, put on a big smile, hold your head up high and be proud to be you.

(HUG)

I am so sorry for your pain. You sound like you know what you need to do.
You have experienced that painful moment of awareness where we know we can no longer deny what is really going on and also we are able to see our part in it. As horrible as it feels, awareness really is the first step in changing. It sounds like you are right on the edge of change. I am sending you thoughts and wishes and prayers for the courage to do what you need to to.
It is time to start the life you deserve to have. You are young (I can say this because I am older, lol).

Prayers for courage and healing.

Love,
-K

Lillian (that was my grandmother's name) you WILL get better if you keep moving forward. You have a great plan.

Whataboutme, I like what Lillian says about maybe separating. You really do need to restablish your sense of self. You may emerge with a different perspective.

Picture this.....when you're standing in front of a building and you see a bird on the ground. Then you walk up 4-5 flights of steps and look down at that same bird. It looks so much smaller. Although the bird looks significantly smaller, the bird is the same size, it is your perspective that has changed.

gosh, apple, you're full of some good ones today!

lillian was also my grandmother's name! :) lillian, i think you've probably come a long long way from where you were before. you're living your own life, and there will be lots of happiness and wonderful days in store for you. i can feel it! in the end, good things happen to good people, so your time will come :)

Thank you all so much. You are all right, and I do feel so very close to making the move. It feels like it's right on the tip of my tongue, but I just can't seem to get it out...yet.

You know, I work all day in medical sales. I'm confident and I'm assertive. I walk with my head held high. I believe in my products and know the benefits they have to patients. I am often in the OR to observe surgical cases as a resource to the Physician during surgery. My customers (docters) actually see me as a value-added resource. How can I be so successful and on-track in one aspect of my life and completely ass-backwards in another? No one in my "professional" world would ever believe the life I live at home. I can't even believe it.

I guess I need to forgive myself before I can believe that I deserve better than this mess. Not so much different than the alcoholic I guess.

i'm thinking about you, whatabout. please don't lose hope. blessings, k

I had to forgive myself, too for not being able to fix things. I accepted something that was unacceptable out of fear of being alone, failing, etc. for too long. I'm so much better off now that I left my exabf. I let go of the hopes for a future like you mentioned. Now I have room for when it's acceptable to me. Please keep posting! Others' experiences and guidance pushed me into the next part of my life.

WhataboutME-- It is time for YOU!!! You'll be ok and you'll get there when ready! Nothing changes if nothing changes!