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Old 04-18-2007, 06:15 PM
  # 21 (permalink)  
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Philadelphia
Posts: 518
I felt like I wanted to comment on this, even though my boyfriend is an addict.
I can truly feel your pain about being in a moment where you are acutely aware of how awful the situation is and how insane you have become.

Someone on the Sub. Abuse Friends and Fam forum said something very wise to me- they described their attachment to their addict/alcoholic as an "investment." I related to this tremendously as the reason why I kept trying to put the pieces back together with my bf was because of the investment I had already began with him.
In alcoholism or addiction it is as if we put up with so much for so long that we cease even seeing how we are contributing to our own unhappiness. The longer we stay with someone who hurts us, the more we begin to believe we somehow deserve it and the harder it becomes to "see the light" so to speak.

I definitely think distance is what breeds perspective as someone above told me. I, too, struggle tremendously with detaching from my bf- the whole emeshment portion of my relationships and the codependent role I've played in them is what often keeps me latched to them. The emotional dependence (regardless of the fact that someone this sick can NEVER give us what we want, logically) is what keeps us stuck.
I am thinking about you!
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Old 04-18-2007, 06:56 PM
  # 22 (permalink)  
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Location: Jacksonville, FL
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HKAngel24, EXACTLY! An investment is exactly how I feel. Almost 11 years together, 7 years of marriage. Only in recent months, as things have gone down hill very quickly, have I seen/accepted my role in my own unhappiness.
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Old 04-18-2007, 07:14 PM
  # 23 (permalink)  
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Holy Cow HKAngel24.... Bravo!

In alcoholism or addiction it is as if we put up with so much for so long that we cease even seeing how we are contributing to our own unhappiness. The longer we stay with someone who hurts us, the more we begin to believe we somehow deserve it and the harder it becomes to "see the light" so to speak.
I love that part.... Also about the investment in another person that we stay stuck and cant let it go. Do you ever wonder if staying stuck does not sometimes feel safer then letting go to the unknown, at least the pain of being stuck is a known pain. I know when I let go of a person I love, really let go, There will be extreem pain, I dont know how deep, or for how long but I know that I will "have" to go through the pain to get to the other side....

Sometimes that is just too scarry. Thank God I know there is a "other side" out there and if I just "let go" Im one step closer to senerity, happiness and the relationships that I deserve.
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Old 04-18-2007, 08:52 PM
  # 24 (permalink)  
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Posts: 1,351
Comfort zone????where??? sounds like living with him is a nightmare.
There is NOTHING wrong with you-he has the problem --.Maybe you are finally getting to the end of your can only take so much...So sorry for your troubles....
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Old 04-18-2007, 11:09 PM
  # 25 (permalink)  
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Location: Starting over all over again
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I invested almost 20yrs in my marriage. When her addiction took over I couldn't let go. I was addicted to what the marriage used to be, and lost sight of what it become. I was living in a fantasy marriage instead of the reality.

There's a story i've heard in al-anon about a monkey and a candy. You build a small cage, with bars just barely big enough for a monkey to stick it's hand in. You chain the cage to a tree, and put a piece of candy inside the cage. A monkey comes by, slides it's hand in thru the bars of the little cage and grabs the candy in it's fist.

Problem is the monkey's fist is too big to slide back _out_ of the cage. The monkey will _not_ let go of the candy, and you can walk right up to the monkey and capture it. If the monkey would just let go of the candy it could slide it's hand out, but the monkey is so focused on the candy that it doesn't see the reality.

I was like the monkey. The addiction changed my marriage into a cage, and my own fantasy of what I wished the marriage to be became the candy I couldn't let go of. When al-anon and this forum helped open my mind to the reality of my marriage I was able to let go of the "candy". That was when I was able to let go and do what was best for my own sanity, and to stop enabling my ex-wife.

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Old 04-19-2007, 12:10 AM
  # 26 (permalink)  
Join Date: Jan 2007
Location: Pasadena,Ca
Posts: 147
What a great analogy. As always your experience and insight is so helpful.
Thanks, Mike

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Old 04-19-2007, 03:40 AM
  # 27 (permalink)  
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Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
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I was thinking the same thing! That is so good, Mike.

I think I've got both my hands in the cage. One trying to hold on and one trying to let go!

Thanks! Cheryl
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Old 04-19-2007, 09:51 AM
  # 28 (permalink)  
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: United States
Posts: 25
I have been exactly where you are. A week ago I asked my ABF to leave. First of all, I had to stop feeling ashamed of not being able to leave before I could do actually leave him.The Getting Them Sober books by Toby Rice Drews helped me do that. It is okay if you are not ready. (THe books are NOT about getting them sober, they are for the people who live with the addict.) My sister's drug counselor gave it to me. Do NOT feel ashamed of not being ready yet. It is ok. You are in my prayers.
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