sthrnraizd

So I'm finding it very very difficult to let go of this even after 6 days. I thought by now I'd be feeling less like I must reach out and make him talk to me. Explain, atleast face me!
He did give me 20K to help me with my finances. I know that sounds like alot and it was purpused to pay off my car so that payment would ease things. But I'd give it back I think if I had him...now thats messed up, but its is so not about the money....
How do you manage closure when they wont give it to you???

Astro

I wish I could offer more than sympathy, but I know what you mean by closure. My ex turned over savings accounts and equity on our home just to get me out the door faster. I'm very grateful for that because it gave me the chance to set up a small home for our children and I to live in, but more of an explanation would've been nice.

Since I was the alcoholic though, I know she'd been giving me explanations for years, I was just too sick and stubborn to listen.

parentrecovers

i'm sorry it is so difficult. addiction is a horrible disease. it hurts people. i'm sorry. blessings, k

bv1979

I know that no amount of money could create closure...and it must be rough. All you can do is work on yourself, and help yourself close out that chapter of your life. It will happen on your own time, and on your own terms. I've learned that you can't count on others to give you closure on things like that. I've had a couple relationships end (and even the same one twice) where the other person was selfish and completely non-understanding. It hurts...but all you can do is become at peace with yourself, and pray for the best for the other.

I wish there was more that I could say that could help...but it's just one of those situations that there's no clear cut answer...

MsGolightly

the thing that sucks about these relationships is that we don't get closure, we don't get answers, we don't get the thing we need to make us feel better.

i keep reminding myself that they're sick, and that it has nothing to do with us. maybe they can't give us closure because they don't even know what the heck is going on in their own heads. you not being able to get your answers has nothing to do with you.

sthrnraizd

*UPDATE* I spoke with the (ex), I have a good sense of closure just doing that. He received a referral to a better suited treatment center for him. He hasnt follow up with that yet. I encouraged him to. I see that his mind set is the same and he dosnt understand what he has done, or any of the blame. He still see's my anger of his lying, cheating, drinking as the cause of our problms. And that is ok with me. I understand things better. I told him I do not hold ill feelings towards him. I only wish him the best. (and I do). I now will learn what it is like to live "single" and that is my biggest struggle. But it will be my next summited mountain top as well. :-) I am better, I am at peace, (for the mst part ;-))

Janitw

Until they embrace recovery they dont care if we have closure and wont admitt to doing anything to us that would make us feel like we need it or deserve it....in their minds we deserved what we are getting....and that is the truth of it. So unless we get closure in our own ways we wont ever have it at least not so long as they are using...I know of a man who is gone now but he left his family, wife and job for a woman who of course drank with him and it was over 20 years before this man admitted that he made a terrible mistake and that he was sorry for it....his exwife couldnt have cared less how that man felt after those 20 years.....ohhh the damage that all this causes......

MsGolightly

i agree janit... we need to find closure on our own because we're just not going to get it from them. sad, but true.

BigSis

I am glad you found what you needed, sthrnraizd.

For me, the question around my relationships has long been... why me? Why do I get with such men? Before Mr. Big, every man with whom I was ever involved was alcoholic...as is Mr. Big (only dry for 23 years).

The common denominator ... is me.

I pick 'em... I am drawn to them... they are drawn to me. What IS it? Shared backgrounds? Common ways of communication? Tolerance? Do they adore me... that one seems to fit. I need more than just a balanced relationship, I demand adoration! And control. And the ones who will give me that (unstated, of course) are also looking for something.... and the longer I am with them, the more clear that "something" becomes.

My curiosity about these things has been there for a long time, my awareness of MY part in it came when I started working the traditions in Alanon.

((((sthrnraizd))))

Pick-a-name

I'm writing this with the TV on in the background....got me thinking. Like looking for the "why's" for the shooting at Va. Tech.......it's not just a "reason" I really want (and won't get) for "why" my AH has divorced me,his behaviors, the lack of understanding he has about how he continues to spiral out of control ......my mind wants a GOOD reason. There is none and never will be one,except to say he is sick and is not thinking in a rational way. Same as that young man who killed all those people and then himself. There is no explanation that can make those actions or the behavior of an addict (especially in relationship to loved ones) "make sense" and give peace of mind about them. JMHO

It goes against our human nature.

Looking for the "reasons" was what fed my denial that I could find them and fix "it".

Sunflower

I was left homeless with a small child and the clothes on my back-no money-no car-nothing except a broken soul at 21.Thank God for my parents-but there are those that don't have even that--I see them everyday walking out into the cold winter with their children in tow coming out of the shelter they spent the night in.Thank God you ex at least helped you financially and you have a home for you and your children...

lillian

my husband gave me what he could/signed the house over to me-- this was generous- at the time he abandonned me, he was being incredibly, uncharacteristically nasty to me-it was sudden- no explanation or closure- i too would have traded in what he gave me materially in exchange for closure- but i think he couldn't give closure because he didn't know himself why he was leaving me- i think the generousity is their way of letting us know they love us/giving what closure they can. i can't look to my husband for closure on this--i have to find an explanation that fits for myself-- it's not easy. and i have only given up asking him "why" after four months-- and if he called today, i might still slip in a "why"-- and maybe two years before that if you count asking him why he left the first time. i don't think there's an answer he could give me that would make me understand. right now, he can't explain and i can't understand. i love him, but look forward to enjoying a new life where i don't feel like i'm hanging on for dear life to someone who isn't doing much to make sure i'm there with him.

WantsOut

I have come to believe that closure is a myth. It's so sitcom-ish. In real life the threads just dangle ...

Janitw

Lillian.....Your life mimicks my own....except that my ex abandoned us 8 times in 22 yrs and ya know what? He couldnt and wouldnt ever give a reason as to why he left on any of those occassions.....and I never asked him why because I just wanted the whole thing to go away and didnt want to keep that fire going....

appleblaster

isn't there a song about that? go on.....take the money and run......

i don't mean to make jokes about your situation....just wanting to make you smile.

i know what you mean about giving it back to have him like you need him to be. i would have given my right arm....or my left....any appendage to have him sober. now i wouldn't give a rat's a$$ if he called or not.....oh, but i do wish him well.

hugs, we are with you.....

Sunflower

I know I would give anything to have my AS have a whole new life--somethings money can't buy

steve11694

If a person gets committed to a facility for being insane that might be closure. Think of the addict in the same light.

Recovering addicts have told me they believe their families suffered more than they did because they were living in a fog, numb in an illusion. Using and associating with people using were the ONLY things that mattered in life. Imagine jumping out of a plane without a parachute and FEELING EVERYTHING is OK?

Just be VERY HAPPY YOU are not addicted

Zoey

I do not believe there ever is closure. I hated the word when I first heard it on TV, rhen everyone on TV was useing it, finally someone stated "There is never closure"

The pain becomes less, sometimes we can accept such as death of parents, as we have no choice, our parents will die.
acceptance isn't closure.

Just my belief, right or wrong.