disrespect
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
disrespect
i am so angry tonight. i come home from work and ah is talking on the phone to this woman who he knows i do not like and do not want him talking to. i have made my feelings clear.
he was in a band with her,which stopped thank goodness. she is married, but is known to mess around with every guy in town. she flashed her "new breast implants" right to my husband, in a bar full of people-with me there.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band and i wasn't supposed to catch him talking to her. yea right, it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door. he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink. he, of course, didn't think he did anything wrong and acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions. for what? my totally normal response to his actions. oh and, my being angry triggers the posttraumatic stress...
he was in a band with her,which stopped thank goodness. she is married, but is known to mess around with every guy in town. she flashed her "new breast implants" right to my husband, in a bar full of people-with me there.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band and i wasn't supposed to catch him talking to her. yea right, it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door. he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink. he, of course, didn't think he did anything wrong and acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions. for what? my totally normal response to his actions. oh and, my being angry triggers the posttraumatic stress...
full of hope
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Oklahoma
Posts: 1,170
OMG! I can relate, Hope!
I just said the same thing to somebody a few minutes ago..."I'm not supposed to get angry because it might make him drink!"
I'm so mad tonight and I don't have any place to put my anger.
I just said the same thing to somebody a few minutes ago..."I'm not supposed to get angry because it might make him drink!"
I'm so mad tonight and I don't have any place to put my anger.
Acting not reacting
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: My happy place
Posts: 1,788
And as an fyi....
My ex drank when he was happy, sad, angry, excited, content, and every emotion in between. Its not about us..even when they say those things.
If they werent drinkers and acted that way, would it be excuseable?
My ex drank when he was happy, sad, angry, excited, content, and every emotion in between. Its not about us..even when they say those things.
If they werent drinkers and acted that way, would it be excuseable?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
i don't know
with this guy it could be a million things. i think i will ask him just what that messasge is though dolly. he'll do whatever he knows will upset me.
chero hon, feel free to hijack my thread and vent your anger all you want. it is allowed here
pm me if you need too.
chero hon, feel free to hijack my thread and vent your anger all you want. it is allowed here
pm me if you need too.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Don't you see you have the answer?
He's jerking your chain. Power. Control. "I am omnicient. I am God." Yep. Typical A thinking. And it's working. He's yanking and you're reacting. Believe me, I put up with some pretty looney stuff. I reacted. Then I just got tired of being ticked off. Yeah, I'll still pick my battles, but they're boundaries. They work. If my AH comes onto my radar scope and starts upsetting my peace I cut off all communications. Or I give him a response that is right. Why? Because I make it clear that "cut that crap" means just that. Nothing more.
I don't wander into the "character defects" zone with him any longer. I have enough of my own to handle, thank you. It takes time. I have blown up and gotten irrational from time to time even after this many years. Here's what I do - I walk into the bathroom. I start talking at the face in the mirror. I talk it out. I decide if I want to argue a point, let it go, go to bed, go out, whatever. I've had a lot of practice at this (after many years) and now I really don't let much of it bother me.
You have a right to be bothered. I certainly would be. But you KNOW he's doing it to get a rise out of you. Thus, it has NOTHING to do with you, does it? This is about him. Leave it be.
I don't wander into the "character defects" zone with him any longer. I have enough of my own to handle, thank you. It takes time. I have blown up and gotten irrational from time to time even after this many years. Here's what I do - I walk into the bathroom. I start talking at the face in the mirror. I talk it out. I decide if I want to argue a point, let it go, go to bed, go out, whatever. I've had a lot of practice at this (after many years) and now I really don't let much of it bother me.
You have a right to be bothered. I certainly would be. But you KNOW he's doing it to get a rise out of you. Thus, it has NOTHING to do with you, does it? This is about him. Leave it be.
IO Storm
Join Date: Mar 2007
Location: Southern California
Posts: 18,436
Hopeangel:
A note from a friend from "the other side". An active alkie
will use anything as an alibi or excuse to go and get the
drink. Never allow yourself to "be" the reason. That is just
plain bull----. Sorry you are hurting. How long will you put
up with this and what will you do when the band plays on?
Love,
Sherry
A note from a friend from "the other side". An active alkie
will use anything as an alibi or excuse to go and get the
drink. Never allow yourself to "be" the reason. That is just
plain bull----. Sorry you are hurting. How long will you put
up with this and what will you do when the band plays on?
Love,
Sherry
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: In Search of Finding ME!
Posts: 1,246
Pointing out a few things you said:
and asking - is this the man you wish to spend the rest of your life with? Is this the life you wish to live?
You do have choices.
Just a friendly reminder - as it took me a long long long time to realize that I had choices.
i am so angry tonight.
i come home from work and ah is talking on the phone to this woman who he knows i do not like and do not want him talking to.
i have made my feelings clear.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band
it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door.
he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink.
acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions.
i come home from work and ah is talking on the phone to this woman who he knows i do not like and do not want him talking to.
i have made my feelings clear.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band
it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door.
he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink.
acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions.
You do have choices.
Just a friendly reminder - as it took me a long long long time to realize that I had choices.
Guest
Join Date: Feb 2007
Posts: 1,826
It's disrespect and psychological abuse he's laying on you.
Earthworm
Earthworm
Originally Posted by hopeangel 
i am so angry tonight. i come home from work and ah is talking on the phone to this woman who he knows i do not like and do not want him talking to. i have made my feelings clear.
he was in a band with her,which stopped thank goodness. she is married, but is known to mess around with every guy in town. she flashed her "new breast implants" right to my husband, in a bar full of people-with me there.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band and i wasn't supposed to catch him talking to her. yea right, it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door. he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink. he, of course, didn't think he did anything wrong and acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions. for what? my totally normal response to his actions. oh and, my being angry triggers the posttraumatic stress...
he was in a band with her,which stopped thank goodness. she is married, but is known to mess around with every guy in town. she flashed her "new breast implants" right to my husband, in a bar full of people-with me there.
he said he called to invite them to the show this weekend -he is playing out in band and i wasn't supposed to catch him talking to her. yea right, it was right at 5:30 when i walk in the door. he purposely does thinkgs like this to upset me to give him a excuse to drink. he, of course, didn't think he did anything wrong and acted like a complete child. shutting the door on me and lying and leaving to go to the store to get something for dinner -not coming back till two hours later drunk.
then tells me i have to learn consequences for my actions. for what? my totally normal response to his actions. oh and, my being angry triggers the posttraumatic stress...
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It sounds like you are reaching the point of change for yourself. We all know these women and it is particularly insulting that our husbands talk to them when they are so hypercritical of us. These women wouldn't know a moral if they tripped over one. More than any anger it provokes, it hurts to the core. I think most of our anger is really hurt.
We blame the behavior, we get angry. It is really the tangible slap int he face that tells us exactly how our husbands really feel for us that makes us made. It makes us face it and we don't want to. We have all been in love. A person in love would hang up. I don't have any desire or need to talk to another man when I am in love.
Aren't we really saying, "STOP rubbing my face in the truth!!!"?
I'll tell you I have faced the same thing in my first marriage and here's what made me change. I reached a depth of self disgust.
We anticipate leaving when we reach a level of disgust with them.
My ex was bad enough but it was me I couldn't stand. I hated who I had become, the total crap I was accepting.
The world also has a view of it.
While we consider what the world thinks of it, and we wonder if they are wagging a finger at our alcoholics, they also wonder what's wrong with our heads for staying in it.
I think that's why some of our closest friends and family don't say anything to us. If they did we wouldn't like what they'd say.
Your husbands behavior is 100% unacceptable by any married persons standards. He wouldn't tolerate that behavior from you for a split second.
I decided that I wasn't going to try to win my husband back from a bar hag. What will you do?
We blame the behavior, we get angry. It is really the tangible slap int he face that tells us exactly how our husbands really feel for us that makes us made. It makes us face it and we don't want to. We have all been in love. A person in love would hang up. I don't have any desire or need to talk to another man when I am in love.
Aren't we really saying, "STOP rubbing my face in the truth!!!"?
I'll tell you I have faced the same thing in my first marriage and here's what made me change. I reached a depth of self disgust.
We anticipate leaving when we reach a level of disgust with them.
My ex was bad enough but it was me I couldn't stand. I hated who I had become, the total crap I was accepting.
The world also has a view of it.
While we consider what the world thinks of it, and we wonder if they are wagging a finger at our alcoholics, they also wonder what's wrong with our heads for staying in it.
I think that's why some of our closest friends and family don't say anything to us. If they did we wouldn't like what they'd say.
Your husbands behavior is 100% unacceptable by any married persons standards. He wouldn't tolerate that behavior from you for a split second.
I decided that I wasn't going to try to win my husband back from a bar hag. What will you do?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
mallow
"It sounds like you are reaching the point of change for yourself."
i am always amazed at your perceptiveness. you are so insightful and the answer is yes, i am reaching that point. i guess maybe it shows in my posts. that is good. there are going to be changes this year-one way or another. i am just disgusted by the behavior anymore. i just don't have the emotional connection to him anymore like i did. i can feel it. and yes, the reality is settling in.
i am always amazed at your perceptiveness. you are so insightful and the answer is yes, i am reaching that point. i guess maybe it shows in my posts. that is good. there are going to be changes this year-one way or another. i am just disgusted by the behavior anymore. i just don't have the emotional connection to him anymore like i did. i can feel it. and yes, the reality is settling in.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2005
Location: Lake Luzerne
Posts: 1,786
It really wasn't my intention to be a "living with an alcoholic specialist". What a goal. ha! It really is a matter of perspective and most of it came from this very site. I read what others write and think, "Holy Toledo!, that's a perspective I hadn't thought of. There is a secret source of strength found here. We don't have to leave the house or explain. It just pours into us from all over. It is a vein of perspective they haven't corrupted. The people here are angels with words of hope and health. None of us sits alone anymore!
Member
Join Date: Jan 2005
Location: HK
Posts: 115
Hi hopeangel. They can really drive us crazy don't they!
It's quite obvious that your AH knew how to tick you off. He knew you would react and he knew you are afraid of him getting drunk. Actually he had planned to get drunk. But he wanted to make it look like it's your fault.
I remember those days when my AH and I were like enemies to each other. The more I tried to control his drinking, the more he rebeled. It's so easy for him to win - all he had to do is pick up another drink! The only way for us to win is not care about whether they drink or not. It's not easy. But at least, we can act as if we don't care.
Here you can read the excepts from the book Getting Them Sober, Chapter 35: Don’t Get Scared When He Threatens to Drink. It helps me a lot.
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html
It's quite obvious that your AH knew how to tick you off. He knew you would react and he knew you are afraid of him getting drunk. Actually he had planned to get drunk. But he wanted to make it look like it's your fault.
I remember those days when my AH and I were like enemies to each other. The more I tried to control his drinking, the more he rebeled. It's so easy for him to win - all he had to do is pick up another drink! The only way for us to win is not care about whether they drink or not. It's not easy. But at least, we can act as if we don't care.
Here you can read the excepts from the book Getting Them Sober, Chapter 35: Don’t Get Scared When He Threatens to Drink. It helps me a lot.
http://www.ceu-hours.com/gts/gts1.html
Last edited by LiLL; 04-20-2007 at 08:24 AM.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
mallow
its funny, your not the only one that has really sensed a change in my attitude. ah noticed it too. the other day i was talking and i swore, i normally don't, not in a angry way, and not directed at him, more of a very opinionated kinda way. anyway, he said geez, what has gotten into you? what's up with the potty mouth? i just said that is just my attitude lately and smiled.
i don't think he really knows what exactly my plans entail, but he can smell it. i think he saw how serious i was about the trashy thing he did and he has promised to not ever call her again. does that mean dittely squat to me?, no! i am a lot stronger than i was.
thanks everyone.
i don't think he really knows what exactly my plans entail, but he can smell it. i think he saw how serious i was about the trashy thing he did and he has promised to not ever call her again. does that mean dittely squat to me?, no! i am a lot stronger than i was.
thanks everyone.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
Hopeangel:
your life sounds alot like mine and my husbands, he is setting himself up for a really fun weekend of partying with his buddies and just told his coworkers in front of me how he was talking with one of his friends wives and told her to leave him at home and just bring herself, then after nobody in the room reacted, it was complete silence he backpeddled and said he was only kidding to her. I live with his flirtations and sexist remarks daily, and it only gets worse when he is drunk and high. I am detaching from this man emotionally without saying a word to him, no nagging about drinking and drugs, and really trying to concentrate on MY and my kids life. It has taken 18 years but I guess every one is different on how much they can tolerate. I was hoping for him to mellow out and become a real husband instead of leading a double life and pretending that everything is ok, I can't live a lie any longer. I have to be honest with myself, for myself.
your life sounds alot like mine and my husbands, he is setting himself up for a really fun weekend of partying with his buddies and just told his coworkers in front of me how he was talking with one of his friends wives and told her to leave him at home and just bring herself, then after nobody in the room reacted, it was complete silence he backpeddled and said he was only kidding to her. I live with his flirtations and sexist remarks daily, and it only gets worse when he is drunk and high. I am detaching from this man emotionally without saying a word to him, no nagging about drinking and drugs, and really trying to concentrate on MY and my kids life. It has taken 18 years but I guess every one is different on how much they can tolerate. I was hoping for him to mellow out and become a real husband instead of leading a double life and pretending that everything is ok, I can't live a lie any longer. I have to be honest with myself, for myself.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: oh
Posts: 757
flwrchild
"mellowing out" would mean they would have to grow up, be a man, and face the realities of life and actually deal with issues... a whole other story and not an easy thing for them to do....
Member
Join Date: Aug 2006
Location: Small Town
Posts: 46
I actually think that all of that gets too boring for him, or something, he tries for a while maybe a week or two, then he either disappears or finds a reason to need to go out and twist off as he puts it. He feels it is his right to be able to do this. For the longest time I believed that and thought all men were needing to "twist off" but then something (or everything) he did over time got really old. and I am sick of it. I feel like I wasted alot of years with him, like maybe I was here to just be a cover for him so he looked as if he had a drug free and just a drink once in a while life, because I never told anyone, then my kids started asking me about Dad and his smoking pot, and why he buys a (large) bottle of whiskey and case or two of beer at least once a week to have on hand all the time. I didn't know whether to tell the truth or cover for him. . . . . . he has made a wreck of me, and I let him do it. . . . . . sometimes I get so depressed..then I find something to busy myself and focus on something positive and bounce back. Having a husband who is addicted, is very, very draining. Most don't see it, but I am able to relate here to people who actually are going through the same thing I am. I don't feel so alone now. Thank you to all who read, listen, or share. . . . . . . .
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