newenglandgirl

One of the things about setting boundaries that's hard (and crucial) is that you have to follow through. "Mean what you say, say what you mean". So only make boundaries (threats, laws, promises, whatever you want to call them) that you are sure you are willing to follow through with.

The following through's the tough part.

I know it's scary. But isn't it scarier to think of living like this for the rest of your life? That's what powered me through the chaos; I knew that things were beyond not right, they were awful, and I didn't belong there.

SaTiT

The simplest way I can explain my bounadies with my GF is.
If she is not using

Rule #1..I don't tell her what to do.
Rule #2..follow rule number 1
it's simple becuase I don't fix her, she is allow to make mistakes
or stay in her own crap until she has have enough.
Basically I let go

I learn this through my 5 years old duaghter at that time.
No matter how much i told my duaghter to put on shoes
before she gose outside..she would forget or don't .
I grounded her for a day or so ...that didn't work
I conseled her...explained why..becuase I didn't want her to get hurt.
To no avail....i tell ya.
Sure enough...she had to basically leaned on her own.
A couple of days later, she came home with a piece of glass
in her foot. I loved her and kiss her boo boo.
The poor child limped around for a week.
But i never had to tell her about putting on shoes again.lol

All I can do for my GF is just love her and expect
nothing in return as i did with my daughter.

I also have remember that my GF is still not well.
Her thinking is not all that clear so i lower my expectations.
She is still trying to cope with her emotions...I don't get
too cuaght up in pionting out mistakes...of course she makes
more mistakes than she did 5 years ago before she relapsed.
She is not going to recover overnite

I also have to remember she precieve life from a totally
different aspect. Her perceptions of life or belief is totally
differnent then mine. Her experiences are different then mine.
These are the things i learn by sharing at meetings or SR.
She is allow to disagree with me and express herself

The important thing for me is...if I was her shoes...
mmm...I wouldn't want anybody making harder than it has to be.
I repect her as a human being and a child of god first and formost.
then an alki then the rest of it.

Why did I choose to fall in love with her or love her to being with ?
This is where i have to be honest with myself and ask
what was my motives to have a relationship with her?
To simply love her...or trying to get something out of her ?

We share our lives, we don't own one another.
I'm not better than her, she is not better than me.
Heck i'm Mr. head banger...ands she's likes air supply.

I'm on my spiritaul journey not her's
Most importantly I work my program. The 12 steps is a
living program...so i'm living it to the best of my ability.
I work on my forgivness, my letting go, my emotions
My pain from my childhood and whatever else my HP
deem I need to work on.

LGLG07

chero .. you dont think he would respect your boundary because you dont respect yourself yet . you dont want to confuse it with an ultimatum either . dont say 'if you have another drink im leaving you' if leaving him is not something you are ready to do . he will have less respect for you if you dont back up your boundary so i agree with everyone on here , make it small and something you can do .
i told my ah when he gets out of rehab he is not coming home , i dont care where he goes but its not going to be here . thats it , im not going to tolerate his behavior anymore around me or my kids . i didnt tell him i wanted a divorce or that i was leaving him , just that we would need more time for him to recover and me to recover before we can work on repairing our relationship . thats my boundary and im backing it up . to be honest , i feel so good about myself that i have made this 'choice' (augh! back to choices!) to benefit myself and my kids that i feel like a new person . it really empowered me and made me grow . you will feel the same , i know you will

LGLG07

just read your post about not being able to do it .. dont do it today , like Mike said , and dont make it drastic . i loved Mikes example , if he talks to you disrespectfully just simple tell him in a normal voice that you are going for a ride because you dont like being spoken to like that . and leave . dont say it twice , dont talk over him so he hears you , believe me , he'll hear you . its hard to follow through and once you walk out the door you will want to go back in to make sure hes okay and you didnt hurt his feelings but give it a minute , than another ....... you will feel better in no time ..
wait until you are ready

TexasGirl

Hi Chero,
I too was really afraid of busting out both boundaries and also ultimatums. I wasn't sure I was ready to follow through with them, and I sure wasn't ready to be the girl who didn't back them up either. It's not the best solution because it still left me in the heart of a bad problem. I ended up skipping "recovery" in a way, and I just moved out.....I never tried "boundaries" or other recovery tools. I just up and decided it would be less difficult if I cut ties and tried to move on. Oh, sure, I told him numerous times that he needed to quit and tried to make that happen, but I didn't actually try the Alanon tools for me even though I did manage to get myself out of a bad situation. Now here I am.....I am out on my own now, but I'm starting to realize that I am still going to have to face these issues of boundaries if I'm going to have a good life for myself, even without the A around. It's not just a drinker who will take advantage of my kindness. Just tonight, I got a call from a guy I've dated a couple of times asking me for a favor after he basically stopped talking to me last week. I was kind of freaking out, wondering what to say and how to answer. I didn't want to tell him NO but didn't want to be taken advantage of either! I got out of the situation, but it's not because I really stood up for myself. So I realized just before reading this thread that I need to set rules in my life outside of my situation with XAH for being respected. I'm not very good at that either!!! All of this loooong post to say....we both clearly have opportunities to learn this and learn how to take care of ourselves. ITFM said that you have to respect yourself to set boundaries, and I believe that. I've never had that much respect for myself before. I was always too concerned with smiling and making everyone like me. Again, even though I'm out of the A relationship, I still have things to face. The cool thing is that I'm aware of it, and oddly enough, I owe it to XAH for helping me realize that I didn't love myself and that I needed to change that.

TexasGirl

Okay, I'm going to keep rambling because I'm really having a light bulb moment. I didn't end my relationship with XAH because I was practicing recovery. I moved out that day because I was about to burst. The pain of that marriage was killing me, and I ran away. It just so happens that it ended up being a very good thing for me, but ultimately, I just ran away from the problem, both his and mine. I'm only only a slightly modified version of the neurotic, people-pleasing, boundary-less girl I was. I'm a little better with boundaries and self-respect (if you read my other thread about shooting down that guy), but overall I still have a lot of work to do on me! Wow.

Sorry.....didn't mean to hijack, I'm just having some mini-revelations over here.

MsGolightly

TG, maybe leaving was your boundary... maybe it wasn't just running away. you got to a point where you said ENOUGH! and that was your own boundary in your head, so you left. maybe you created that boundary subconsciously. you said the pain of your marriage was killing you, so i imagine for some time that you had been thinking of leaving, or something to lead up to that point, whether you realized it or not.

maybe it really was a boundary!

DesertEyes

That's _awesome_ TG. You said "was". And that is way cool. You just keep doing what you're doing and you'll be less "was" every day and more "modified"

----------------------------------------------

That's just fine. You don't have to do _anything_ today. You have already made huge improvements just by understanding that you are not strong enough. Start going to those al-anon meets, keep coming here and little by little you will get stronger. One day, before you even realize it, you _will_ be strong enough. That's how all the rest of us have done it, and so will you, when you are ready.

----------------------------------------------

Mike

chero

I am understanding it a little more.

Of course he talks disrespectively to me and others things I hate. I always just take it. It never occured to me that I had a choice....

this is going to be a big week for me....

ICU

Chero, that was my first real defining moment....realizing that I do have a 'choice'.

I look at boundaries as choices....I can choose to stay here in the same room when he disrespects me and take it....or....I can choose to walk into another room, or leave the house for a couple of hours and 'not take it'.

Boundaries...choices....similar, if not the same thing (at least in my own mind that's how it worked for me)!

chero

So, boundaries aren't always drastic things?

I don't have to say if you drink I'm leaving...even though that's how I feel.

hmm...

ICU

Nope, not always. But they do have profound effects on our self-esteem when we use them wisely!

Do you mean 'leaving' as in permanently moving out? As in divorce?

Assuming that's what you mean, no, your boundary/choice doesn't 'have to' mean that if he drinks, you want a divorce. Instead, your boundary/choice 'could' just mean that while he's drinking you choose to go to a movie for the afternoon, out to dinner with friends/family, go workout at a gym....etc. That may be enough for you for now. As time goes on, and you're more accustomed to setting and maintaining boundaries for yourself, you might need to change your boundary to something a little different. Maybe not! It's all up to you and how your boundary setting makes you feel. Does it feel right? Do 'I' feel better? Etc.

I'm not sure which is harder to do...'explaining' boundary setting to someone or 'implementing' it for the first time in my own life, LOL!

LGLG07

chero , ive been keeping up with all your posts these past few days and im soooo happy to hear (or read) that you realize now how it never occurred to you that you had a choice .

remember ... boundarys arent put in place to change your A or his behavior . they are set in place to protect the respect that you have for yourself . by staying in the room when he is talking disrespectfully to you , what you are ultimatly saying is that you dont think you deserve any better than that so you will stay and listen to it . by setting a boundary and walking out , what you are saying is , i soooo do not deserve to be spoken to like that and im not going to stand for it .

i know you only from reading your posts but can tell you that your openmindedness and your willing to brainstorm and hear all different points of view and take them all into consideration and cause everyone else to do some soul searching ourselves (TG had a lightbulb moment!) shows me that you are intelligent and honest and worthy of the love you can give yourself .
now if only you can see what i see .

queenteree

As others have said, I put boundaries in place not only with my A but with my kids, grandkids, friends, etc. It is defining what you will and will not accept. With my AH, he knows that if he is drunk, he has to sleep upstairs. He can drink for a day, week, month or year, but as long as he is drinking, he must drink and sleep upstairs. I do that for me, my sanity, not for him to stop drinking. When he stops for a while, he's more than welcome downstairs and to sleep with me and we are the best of friends (and more). My adult daughter never listens to my advice and then calls me up to help her fix the mess. Being the codie that I am, and my inherent need to fix, I realized it was not good for either of us. I was getting overwhelmed by it all, and had a discussion with her one day wherein I told her that I must get rid of this inherent need to control and fix her life, since it is her life, and that from now on I won't be reminding her of things to do, advise her of the right way to handle it, etc., that she knows what she has to do and if she doesn't do it, it's not my problem, it's hers to deal with. And I always try to remember, it's not what you say, it's the delivery.

Sunflower

Hang in there Chero--you can make it--babysteps...

parentrecovers

i've actually been avoiding this thread - i am so in denial about boundaries right now. my husband and i are SO GOOD at setting good ones, and then SO BAD at following through on them. it's the hardest part for us. ugh. k

chero

Thank you all for the encouragement. I feel like I'm learning so much. Trying to understand it takes a little longer but I'm willing. It helps so much to know I'm not alone.

Bless you all! Cheryl