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ah called from rehab

Old 04-15-2007, 07:44 AM
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ah called from rehab

its so easy to be strong when they arent around ! after getting shot down yesterday by his counselor , with the help of all of you , i was able to bounce back .
this mrng my ah calls frantic and tells me he has to get out of there , he hasnt slept in 3 nghts and they will not give him anything to help him sleep .(he is still in detox, doesnt go to the rehab section until tmrw). i told him wait until tmrw , get settled into the rehab , and see what happens . he tells me no , they told him in detox that they wont give him anything in rehab either , he doesnt understand because all the other rehabs gave him stuff (the fact that you can even say that sentence truthfully is scary! , all the other rehabs ! gez!) so he wants me to pack up the kids (we are in the middle of a rain storm , winds suppose to get up to 50 miles ) and come get him and bring him home .. so what did i say? .. well , nothing to be proud of but he was reeling me back in and i had to get away from him .. i said 'i'll call you back' .. yup thats right , 'i'll call you back' ! i guess its the lesser of two evils , i could of said , 'im on my way'.

before i called him back (not sure i really would of) he called me . now hes really frantic so i tell him flat out 'im not coming to get you , this is your decision , if you want to leave call someone else but dont show your face around here' he freaked . told me things that we have all heard before , i dont know what its like there , could i imagine not being able to sleep at night and staring at the ceiling .. .uh yes , all those nights you didnt come home without even a phone call !!

he said hes calling someone else and coming home to get his stuff , i told him not to do that to the kids but he told me again 'i have to , i need my stuff' .. all this needing , i cant take it . then he hung up on me.

a side of me wants to call back and continue the argument . (codie side i presume?) the other side wants to do the house cleaning and laundry like i planned and start a nice dinner for me & the kids in a few hours .

should i be nervous of him showing up here? not really sure what to do about that without over reacting
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Old 04-15-2007, 08:03 AM
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Hi,
I've been reading for ages, and just wanted to say that to me "I'll call you back" sounds just fine, you gave yourself time to breathe, regroup and steel yourself for saying what you really wanted to say to him. Which you then did, be proud of your strength.
As for the rest, I'm afraid I don't know, others I'm sure will.
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Old 04-15-2007, 09:20 AM
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the staff knows what he's up to - let them deal with him at this point. don't call back. his emotions are all over the place - it may be a entirely different conversation next call. go about your day, and if he shows up - don't enter into the conversation until you feel ready. that's all i can suggest. blessings, k
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:18 AM
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a side of me wants to call back and continue the argument . (codie side i presume?) the other side wants to do the house cleaning and laundry like i planned and start a nice dinner for me & the kids in a few hours .
Oh wow, can I relate to that or what?????!!!!!! Just as i read that sentence I knew exactly how you are feeling. Go with the other side that wants to continue life as normal. This is HIS problem.....not yours. He is being unreasonable. You owe him absolutely nothing. He has shelter, food, water and a bed. That's all he really "needs". Everything else is a want and quite frankly he's gotten what he wants entirely too much.

I know what he is going through is difficult but remember, he is there of his own choices.....no one put a bottle in his hand and a gun to his head. He has a staff there to help him (but i just dunno about that counselor). He's not the first one who wanted to bail from the place so i'm sure they know what to do. I agree with the posts when they say don't engage in senseless conversation and don't call him back.

When I was with my exabf it felt like he had a rope tied to his waist and the other end was tied to mine. Every time he would jump off a cliff or a bridge I would go down to the bottom with him.

What's for dinner LG?

Last edited by appleblaster; 04-15-2007 at 11:22 AM. Reason: spelling
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Old 04-15-2007, 11:25 AM
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I know it is easy for me to say but.................

DO NOT go and get him ,that is a classic tactic they use. He'll head right to the liquor store as soon as you pick him up.

As we say in A.A, not sleeping never killed anybody. Let him feel his consequences.

And don't endanger yourself of yur kids. Ask yourself "Would he do the same for me if the shoe was on the other foot?"

Earthworm
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Old 04-15-2007, 12:30 PM
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over 10 years ago my father was in his first halfway house after many detoxes at the hospital. i visited him there the very first sunday that families were allowed. the whole family was there. he was so ashamed but i could tell he was willing to try. he complained about a couple of other people there and their terrible behaviour.....not wanting to do their part, being lazy, sneaking booze, etc.

geographically I was the closest child he had with a vehicle (there were 5 children, i'm the youngest) so he called me on a rainy night to come pick him up. he was furious with someone there....they got into an argument and he wanted to leave. normally he would yell at me with such a ferocious voice and scare me into doing things but he was subdued and defeated. that made me feel worse than if he would have yelled at me. back then i knew nothing about codependency or al anon.....i barely knew what AA was. I was about 24 years old. i do not know where the decision came from but I told him NO. I told him that I believed in him and that he could use his incredible intelligence to figure this out. He insisted that he was going to walk back home if he had to. It was storming out and he lived an hour away!!! I told him that if he was that certain of going home that night then he should bring an umbrella. That was the end of it. He didn't leave that night but he did leave the following week (early of course).

i totally didn't get it then but he was complaining about the behaviour he was guilty of. he wasn't a lazy man but he drank while saying "never give up" all at the same time. his recovery was an unfinished symphony of highlighted lines, scirbbled notes and 3 monthly sobriety chips taped securely into the back cover of his AA big book. he died at 56....basically drank himself into a coma he never could come out of. sad....my mother had to make the decision to pull the plug after the doctors were sure there was no more they could do. weather or not i picked him up that rainy night he still would have walked the path he chose.

point is....i've felt a little pang of guilt for not going to pick him up that night for the longest time....until I began recovery and realize that no matter how unnatural that felt, it was the right thing to do. I wish I had taken that attitude with my exabf. But you live and learn I guess.

They yell, they make threats, they demand, they project, they insist, they squander, they seem so strong and undefeatable but.......its all a front. He will be fine weather you get him or not. I say don't go. Sorry I rambled....I didn't mean to thread-hijack but I was hoping to shed some light.
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Old 04-15-2007, 12:47 PM
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you did shed light apple , thank you . you all do ! funny as I am the youngest of 5 children as well with an alcoholic father . hmmmmm !
Earthworm , I love that line , not sleeping never killed anyone ! But drinking has ..
I am not going to get him , I did hear from him again . He had gone to a meeting and felt he had to call and apologize , I accepted . Then he asked me to come get him again !!!! AUGH!!! Then he asked if he stayed for 2 wks would he have a home to go to . I told him no . He didnt like that very much . I told him to do what he had to do for himself . He said I was selfish and heartless (I know that I am neither) . I can tell he is still acting drunk , hes nowhere near ready to come home .
Thank you so much for all your help , everyone . I cant tell you the strength it gave me . so much that I actually told him no !!

PS We are making (kids & I) an overstuffer with some homemade stuffing , mashed potatoes & veggies .. comfort food !
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Old 04-15-2007, 12:59 PM
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He said I was selfish and heartless (I know that I am neither)
Good for you. It is very, very difficult to hear words like that used towards us and be able to remember that it's not true.
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Old 04-15-2007, 01:03 PM
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thank you TG . I have to admit , for a split second , while I never believed it I did almost want to say 'wait , let me explain why Im not heartless and selfish' but I thought better of it . No point in talking when the one you are talking to isnt listening !
Im still learning!
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Old 04-15-2007, 01:53 PM
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Hi LGLG07...maybe hubby's conselor has an extra room for hubby to go to

Hubby probably won't even remember too much...later either.
My gf don't remember much during hitting bottom, detox, and 2-3 months after she stopped.
No point in me beating her up to understand, it'll only hurt her and drive me crazy.
it took her 3 months to call her doctor...will , duh...i knew that from day 1.
I don't emmesh or get envolve in her recovery.

Last edited by SaTiT; 04-15-2007 at 02:13 PM.
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Old 04-15-2007, 02:04 PM
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LG...man, how stressful all this must be for you. Argh.

He wants the "easier, softer way"...there is none. Wah Wah...there are no med's. So what is his plan of remedy...find another rehab with med's? Go to a doctor to get med's to detox at home? Does he even have a plan? I bet he does...easiest remedy is at the corner store.

When you're done drinking....you'll do whatever it takes to get free. A few lost nights of sleep..peh! And that's enough to make him quit? He's gotta some drinking left in him.

You're doing awesome LG...absolutely awesome
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:01 PM
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Speaking of lack of sleep.

Most recoverying alcoholic will have hard times sleeping in early
recovery. It can last to 6 months to a year, depending on
the indiviual.
It's been a while..i came into AA in 1992...i had a heck of a time
sleeping or regular sleeping habits. Sometimes i would just walk
for miles and miles at night until i get tired enough so I'll fall alseep.
Much decusions about this matter in AA meetings, aside from "I didn't
drink today". Earily on..it is just the body healing itself or adjusting.
At a certain piont..it is suggested the indiviual work the 12 steps
to clear his/her consicious.

My GF....mmm had crazy sleep hours
Its been only a couple of months that she's been able to sleep
like a baby. She's now 10 months sober.
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Old 04-15-2007, 03:07 PM
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I am sure you had many sleepless nights due to his drinking...and you are still alive...so too will he be.

He is quacking, enjoy your day, it is his problem, let him resolve it.
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Old 04-15-2007, 06:10 PM
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Try and stay strong--they always call from rehab begging to come home--to make you feel guilty--no one else will pick him up probably..And they do give meds in detox--as far as I know benadryl for sleep and ativan for withdrawl if they need it...he is in good hands--he just wants to drink!
Hope you had a nice dinner...
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Old 04-15-2007, 08:36 PM
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i feel so loved ! i really do ! thank you all , you make so much sense !
i dont know why i didnt think of some of these things on my own ! I havent heard from him again today and invited my sister & her husband over for the nice dinner i cooked tonight ! we had a good time and after they left, kids went to bed and now im enjoying some me time .. i feel really really good and can assure you that while he may be tossing and turning , I will be sleeping like a baby tonight ! thank you all again
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Old 04-15-2007, 08:41 PM
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good for you - hope tomorrow is a good day as well...

love,
s
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Old 04-16-2007, 04:21 AM
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That's it...focus on you.
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Old 04-16-2007, 06:51 AM
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you responded like a champ! Good for you. letting him make his own decisoion and finding a way to get his own transport. Your like a page right out of the "What to do" alanon book of reactions.

Good going!
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