SilverLining

I don't know why I'm even writing here. I find myself in a weird situation.
I got to know a guy online. We've met in person once before, but there were no romantic sparks on his end.
There were for me, but oh well I'll live.
Still he and I have continued to talk online even after our 1 date fizzled for him.
We share the same political/religious beliefs, taste in movies/music/books.
He has a super outgoing and fun personality and entertains me a lot online.
Since he is so easy to share things with, I have found that I actually care about his drinking problem.
He has told me on several occasions that he "drinks a lot" , "drinks regularly"
& wants to find a girl who is cool with drinking.
Recently he told me that he might have surgery.
When I mentioned it's not prudent to drink before or after surgery, he got all upset.
He has told me he drinks 4-5 times a week, at home and at bars.
Is there anything I can do to help him out ? I feel frustrated because I live 2 hours away and only talk to him online.
Whats doubly annoying is that Im moving to a city near him this Summer (he originally started talking to me online because he thought I already lived in his area but I had to delay my move)
I feel badly for him and afraid that when I move nearby Ill have to witness how bad his problem really is.
One factor is that he seems to have shaky self esteem. Really handsome guy but preoccupied with his looks. Wants plastic surgery and is petrified of aging/wrinkles he tells me. And he's only about 34 !
And besides that he admits to having trouble with money and controlling his appetite (but he stays in great shape with excessive 6 day work outs)
So yes he has some serious issues besides drinking. sigh.
But still he is quite endearing and since he's a lot like me personality wise, I somehow want to help the poor *******.
Any advice deeply appreciated.

WantsOut

I think you need to ask yourself why you want to rescue a stranger. I bet there are things going on in your life that would benefit you if you put all that effort and energy in.

Love

socalgal

My advice....Run like h*** in the other direction. Seriously, you can see all of the red flags. Do not get involved with this man. There is a sticky at the top of the forum, in the Classic reading thread, about red flags, please read it.

-K

FormerDoormat

This guy is trouble with a capital T. And what's even more troubling is the following:

1) You find yourself attracted to a person with low or non-existent self-esteem, a person who's emotionally unavailable, who's finances are a mess, who suffers from alcoholism, compulsive overeating, and compulsive exercising as well as serious hang-ups about how he looks. And those are just the problems that you've gleaned thus far!

2) You know he has serious problems and you should run the other way, yet you find yourself wanting to fix him.

Seems to me that he's not the only one who needs help. Have you asked yourself why you're interested in men like this? If you have and still can't figure out the answer, then you'll find the answer you seek on this forum, in Alanon meetings, and with the help of a good therapist.

I hope you'll stick around and post often. He's not the kind of online buddy you need. We are.

MsGolightly

the short answer is no... you can't help him. as much as you might want to, as much as you might care, it's all wasted, unless he wants to help himself.

it's nice to care about someone, but "helping" him in any way isn't possible. let him know that you believe in and support his sobriety, but beyond that, it's all you can do.

prodigal

SilverLining, welcome. I am glad you found our site. In this situation, you are stepping into a very dangerous area. This guy, as FormerDoormat pointed out, has MAJOR issues. Take it from someone who married a guy I met online - my current and soon-to-be former husband - who answered the question in his online profile "How often do you drink?" by responding "Daily." That was it. No other problems when we met, became buddies, then started dating seriously.

Except his drinking. I walked right into the jaws of the lion with my eyes wide open. We've all been involved with addicts here. You end up with a lot of heartache and you don't end up with someone who is capable of a truly mature, loving, two-way relationship. End of story.

You need to take a serious look at why you are hanging out with this guy in cyberspace for a year. I don't know if you are dating other guys or involved in other activities, but what you are engaging in is not going to do you any good.

Please keep us posted.

dollydo

Turn off cyber for awhile, and get out in the real world. This deal is a must miss.

SilverLining

I've actually only known him online for 3 months. He did write me a year ago, but I never got other emails from him until this year.
He did write on his profile that he drinks regularly, so that should have tipped me off.
I guess one reason I have sympathy is that he has been upfront about his issues.
Yes huge red flags to date the guy, but he's not even interested in that and I was wondering about just helping him as a friend.
I'm a pretty cute girl, former model, smart with almost 200k saved in the bank now that I'm 30 and have no problem meeting other guys.
I've been able to help a couple other friends get their lives on track, but this guy is stumping me with his problems.
The guy goes to Church a lot, visits his parents all the time and does have some redeeming qualities.
I guess its not my place to offer more help, but I just felt like helping since he was vulnerable and has shared the fact that he knows he drinks a lot.

Sunflower

If you want to help him as far as the surgery and drinking---drop him a line e-mail and let him know he has to be 100% honest with his Doctor and Surgeon re;his alcohol problem--they deal with this all the time and can handle it BUT--he is going to get anesthesia I assume and that can be dangerous if he has not been honest with the medical professional--AND he does realize he will go into DTs if he stay more than 2 days in the hospital....

dollydo

You don't need a one sided friendship. You don't need to get his life on track, it is up to him.

Move on, forget about his issues, and no, it's not your place.
Let him share his miseries with someone else.

embraced2000

this is a major heartache waitin to happen...imo

this guy is drawing you like a magnet....this whole situation is not about him....it's about why you are attracted to this man.

i've been there.....i know that feeling, as do all of us here. we have all had our hearts broken and our faith tested beyond reason.....all of us fought so hard to save or help our loved one that we totally lost ourselves in the insanity we found ourselves in........

please keep reading and posting....and look at the true, true reasons you are attracted to this man and his problems.

in my case, i found many reasons why i wanted my xh, but in the end, i was finally forced to look at the real real real reasons that i wanted him...that was the beginning of myself getting healthy.

FormerDoormat

Not everyone you meet online is a friend. There are lots of predators out there, like addicts looking for a new co-dependent to take care of them. Want to know another way to be taken advantage of by an online predator?

Let it slip that you have plenty of money in the bank. You might want to re-think that practice as well.

MsGolightly

i thought the same thing too... i've always been the positive, straight edge influence in my friends' lives, and the alcoholic that i fell in love with was the second addict i've dated (the first was cocaine - at least that story has a happy ending), but i very very very much loved my ex and could do nothing to help her. she told me time and time again that i can't save everyone, and honestly, that wasn't my intention, although i did help her while we were together. but, at the time, she WANTED to be sober and she desperately wanted to get her life on track, and i was the support she needed at the time to do it.

the sad truth is, her desire to drink eventually overcame everything, and destroyed our relationship, as she changed the kinds of people she wanted to spend time with (those who drank, a lot) and the kinds of people she wanted to date (those who drank, a lot).

i know that i was able to help her while we were together, but only because she thought she had a problem and she actually wanted help. she loved herself and wanted to lead a meaningful life. all that changed as her friends changed, and i was pushed away. as much as you want to help him, he can only help himself. you can support him, though, if you care about him as a friend. beyond that, there's not a whole lot you can do. and believe me, i know what it's like to care about someone so much that you want to "help" them, even to sacrifice yourself and your happiness (which is what it will all boil down to, in the end). we all do.

Carpet Burn

If by just mentioning that he shouldn't drink b4 surgery upseted him then definitly he isn't prepared to accept your help or any help. He sounds a lot like my bf i met 2 years ago. It was almost as if you were discribing him. I tell you run and don't look back, the alcohol problem will get worse for him and you will start to feel guilty for nothing or just coz u wern't able to help him now. Don't get deeper into his problem. He already knows he drinks too much and from what u said he isn't willing to stop, he is only looking for a girl that can accept his drinking problem. don't be that girl.
if u stick around make sure you don't get emotionaly involved at all, and encourage him to continue with his exercise. My BF was so much into exercise when we first met, i think he thought that if he exercises he can make up for all the alchole he concumes, now he hardly goes to the gym. He gave up.

fluffyflea

Why do you want to waste your time?

And have you told him you 200k in the bank? That's not info I would want to share on-line.

Earthworm

justme5

you've had lots of insightful replies already, the only thing i wanted to add is my personal take on this...i'm not able to help the A in my life, and he lives with me...sleeps in the same bed, eats 2/3 of all of his meals with me, his clothes mingle with mine...i'm powerless over him and his addiction, no matter where he is...i want to help him, i want to fix him, but i didn't cause it, i can't cure it, and i sure as hell can't control it...simple and yet complicated as that... *hugs*, and i hope the situation works out well for you...

parentrecovers

hello silver, nice to meet you. trust your gut on this one. blessings, k

Mr. Christian

Nope cant help him, even if he was passed ou in front of you.
And if he was I would tell you to step over him and walk out the door.

Nuudawn

Then go meet some.

Hon..this I know is gonna sound harsh. What the hell are you thinking??? You say you want to help him as a friend. Pfffftt...big fat lie. You have already noted you are attracted to him. You want to fix this broken bird. You want to fix him ...so he'll love you...validate you...approve of you.

He's not looking to be fixed. He's looking for a chick that's "cool with his drinking".

This guy has a right..yep a RIGHT..to his own choices (bad as they may be). You are disrespecting this man by wanting to fix and change him. Has he asked you to?? Nope. So who the hell are you? You are not his mommy...therefore, he has a right to live exactly as he chooses..without your help.

I'm a former drunk. And if ANYONE pitied me whilst I was still drinking..figured they could fix me etc...they wouldn't be someone I'd like very much. I wanted someone who would get drunk right along with me...until I didn't anymore. But that was my choice...no one else's.

There is some incredibly wise advice from my fellow posters. The relationship you need to focus on ..is the one you have with you.

MTBChick

I don't mean to hijack this thread....but, I know this is what I need to do focus on the relationship I have with myself.... I just don't know how to do that.... I've done Al-Anon but it didn't seem to help.... I have also done therapy with the same results. Am I just being inpatient? I belive the A ex-bf is actually getting better and that makes me extremly jealous.