SilverLining

I guess one reason I cut him a lot of slack is because his fiance left him last year shortly before their wedding and it appears he spiraled into drinking after that.
Anyway, I thank you all for taking the time to address my quandary. sigh.

Mr. Christian

Sounds like his fiance is pretty smart.

embraced2000

silver....the thing is here....it is not about him.

it is about whyyou are even involved with this man.

look inward. study it hard. there are reasons you want to be involved with him on any level. those reasons were what needed analyzed in my case with my ex.

see, being involved with a loser, made me feel so much better about myself...because then i felt superior to this poor person who was so down and out. i had low self-esteem. i needed someon sicker than me to bolster my own self-esteem.

very, very sick on my part. once i had this figured out....and it was a very ugly truth to be enlightened to.....i could begin to rebuild my own character.

this was my experience. it may not be yours.

take what you like and leave the rest.

loveRoy

Silverlining, guard the money!

Nuudawn

Bingo. The man is an admitted mess who can only find his answers within himself. Trust me...I've been this guy... and I've dated this guy. When I first started reading, I actually looked over at your location cuz I thought you might be chatting with me ex. Swear.

Amanda930

Silverlining, All I'd like to say is this man you met over the internet, have become friends, drinks alot, and wants nothing to do with you "Relationship Wise".... you wan to help him with his drinking. But he went all upset when u were being concerned when he was drinking before a surgery. Now you need to understand that this man isn't going to do anything about his self being unless he wants too. If he's happy and loving his wild bar nights and such and he wants no help then you have your answer. Now the question for you is "Is this man worth your worry and stree"? "Is he someone you want in you life"?

Ever hear the line "There are more fish in the sea"...... it might help for you to go out and find the right man for you. Because alcoholics are no fun to have friends or lover their bad news.

Hope I helped you seem like a sweet person dont let anyone get you down.

FormerDoormat

I'm curious, if you could have any man you want then why go after a drunk? Do you enjoy being lied to? Being manipulated? Being used? Being ignored? Being mistreated? Being cheated on? Having your finances ruined? Having your life spiral out of control? Having your friends abandon you?

Because this is the life you choose when you invite an addict into your life.

elizabeth1979

Silverlining, I would ask myself these questions:
a) What speciific characteristics about him do I like?
b) What things do we have in comon?
c) What does he do to reciprocate care and love to me?

hmmm.
Then I would ask myself these things:
a) Do I like myself?
b) Do I think I deserve an emotionally whole person?
c)Do I think I am an emotionally whole peson?
d) What do I hope to gain from a healthy relationship?

SilverLining

5 long months later and an update.
I continued to be his friend long distance. I had several family emergencies and health crisis and he was actually an awesome support.
And we dated again. He was attracted to me and says he is super shy.
Also I think I've watched 'Walk The Line' one too many times now. And buying into Love conquers all...........

CBrown

Silver Lining, I have been there. I met my XABF online 10 years ago. The great thing for liars online is that they can do exactly that. And when you're 1200 miles away like I am, they can make you believe exactly what they want you to believe. My XABF created a rosy picture of a highly successful man in politics, very cultured, very single. He seemed to be a great guy who just didn't want to commit because of a difficult childhood. Uh huh. The reality is that there were several friends online, a woman he lived with, was having affairs with two of her friends, his business was suffering because he was spiraling down in booze, and it all fell apart five years ago. I had no idea about his until two months ago when I finally got the story from some friends he had abandoned because he had to flee DC.

Well anyway, guard it all! Your heart, your money, everything! I wasted ten years of my life trying to be a friend to a man who didn't want a friend, he wanted people to use. I found I couldn't love him into recovery. He turned it around and broke my heart. Don't make the same mistake. If he's an alcoholic, he's a user. No exceptions.

gns

Dear Silverlining,

I wish you a lot of luck.

The fact that you are together makes me agree with another poster, you don´t/didn´t want friendship you wanted to snag/win him and ultimately succeeded. I am struggling with why I wanted to snag my ex and why I put up with alot to get just that.

Elizabeth1979, I copied your questions down and am asking myself those very important questions.

Silverlining, please keep us updated. I hope that he is really someone you can have a healthy relkationship with.

mallowcup

I look at this a bit differently. You can take that desire to help and channel it into helping many. Have you considerd a carreer in nursing or counceling? With all due respect and every respect for the desire of your heart, frankly, you aren't qualified to help him. He has a disease. We can all to easily satisfy our own needs if we misplace our energy. We have an intrinsic instinct to nurture. Are you of child bearing age? Are you looking to satisfy your maternal instincts by taking care of him instead of a baby?
I didn't read every post so maybe this came up already.
Do you address your issues with prayer as the first place you turn or as a last resort? God knows no degree of difficulty and distance isn't a factor for Him.
If you want to help him or anyone with an alcohol problem I think that's great so long as it comes after becoming educated formally in this area. Good Luck.

Jazzman

*best impression of Joey from Friends*

How yu doin?


Seriously though.... Why don't you find a nice guy that doesn't need fixing?

ghost99

I have to say that you have probably read this forum and know most of the answers to the questions you have put out. I really do believe you know what you are doing and the consequences of your choices.

Most of the people on these forums are caught up in a relationship with an addicted loved one. To be honest, your comment "love conquers all" is a sign of huge arrogance on your part that 'Your love" conquers his addiction. You can love him and he can love you and that part is great, but it will have little impact on his addiction, trust me.

Mr. Christian

Yes, truth be told Love does not conquer all.

SilverLining

I wasnt being arrogant.
I was referring to the movie 'Walk the Line'. The movie acts like love conquers all and I was saying I've watched it too many times and its been making me buy into that concept.

SilverLining

Speaking of the show Friends, his friends are BAD enablers.
They think he's like 'Fun Bobby' from that old show (that character was an alcoholic on it)
And they actually call him that "Fun ----"
I don't sugarcoat or act likes its fine or cool.
I send him every article on drinking and half of it does freak him out.
So even if we can't be longterm friends or loves or anything serious, i am doing a helpful duty by keeping him aware.
Im a strong chick and I have other men who like me, so no Im not letting myself be drowned along with him.
But I will keep throwing him a life saver from time to time.
I am lucky that he IS long distance. Because I can calmly appraise the situation.
And no it does not look good for him. Not only does he drink but in July he told me that has lost his faith after a lifetime of Church going.
And that since he has been the nice guy and it never got him anything but heartbreak, perhaps he should start being mean to people.
Those are glaring, daunting and staggering red flags.
Whatever flicker of a pure heart, a good soul is left of him I will offer comfort/inspiration to.
I don't hold out much hope, but will try to be kind.
I'm far from perfect and if I hadn't had friends help me at a few bleak points in my life, I don't know if I'd be the confident spirit I am today.
So I will do the same in return.



PAX

embraced2000

ok

LaTeeDa

You know, I've watched the movie "Pretty Woman" so many times I'm startin to think that if I just became a hooker, a nice guy would come along and solve all my problems.......

Barbara52