Mr. Christian

We often wonder and even hope that the alcoholic that has got would ever get better.


Would ever find themselves out of that bottle, out of the chaos and turmoil.
Many have and still do hold on to the glimmer of hope that everything will be all better only “if”.

I’ve said in the past and still do; it’s all up to them. How they want to live or die.

After a call last night, again I stand correct.

Now before I go on with this little story I already hear the voices in the heads of some of you, “Oh but mine is different”. So I’ll just sit back and laugh as they go on dragging themselves under along with the other people in their lives.
Yes I said laugh, because it is an utterly ridiculous situation, and it does not have to be.

My heart goes out only to those who blind devotion leads them into the abyss.


So on with my twisted story.

I get a call from my ex. After some forced pleasantries she says I’m calling for something, and when do I not.


She asks when the divorce will be final and I inform her that I’m waiting for the default hearing to take place. I thought it would have been over by now but since she likes to vanish, this is what I have.
Well she just started to go on about how her other divorces did not take this long. So I changed the subject and asked how she was doing.

She met some guy in December and shacked up with him in January. She does her time on the weekends and is still facing more. She still drinks and says she has no intention on stopping.

She then starts in on taking my inventory, how bad I was , how I made her drink and if it gets any worse for her she just will take herself out.
How she was the best thing that ever happened to me and I blew it!

What hope and clarity.



I told her that I would inform her when the divorce was final. That I did not want to go over everything that we have gone over before and I hope the best for her.

I guess the point I’m trying to make here is that only they can do for them.
All the court appointed programs, all the love of others can not do it.

I have learned this and so have others here. Now the rest of you need to gain this knowlage.

cmc

(((Mr C)))
Sorry it continues to be so stressful. I think it's good you didn't get pulled in to rehash it all to death. You spared yourself alot of quacking.
I may be out of the loop on your situation- but why isn't her/your attorney handling the communication between you?

Mr. Christian

She has no attorney. She was served and never responded so it went into default. It takes longer this way but less $$$ and dealings with her.

cmc

C,
Thanks, I was wondering about that and I neglected to mention that the point of your post is well taken...WE can't do it for them, help them to do it, nor can their own circumstances push them...until they say 'enough.'
You stress the importance of Acceptance ...thank you for sharing and giving me such a good reminder of that.

lovemypup

I know what you mean. There is not a thing you can do or say to make them understand why. I have been divorced for over a year and to him its still all my fault and I ruined his life by leaving him and it almost killed him.
My girls can not even bring my name up to him because he is so hateful.
I don't think some of the A's will ever get it. They will never admit they have a problem and everything was all our problem.
I don't really care anymore, I just think its sad for him. It's his choice. I made mine.

LGLG07

thank you mr c .. my MIL is always wondering why her son is an A .. afterall, she tells me, he has a great wife , 4 amazing kids , a nice home , a good job ...
hello ?? as if that matters ?? he can win the lottery too and it will just be drinking money to him . if i felt for one minute responsible for his disease (by not being a better wife or a skinnier wife or a prettier wife) id be curled up in the fetal position 24/7 ... not to say i dont have my moments of such but thankfully for my sake they are few & far between

Mr. Christian

We make many choices in our lives. We can either deal with problems on an adult level how ever long it takes, or we can self medicate and hide from life.

Funny but after she has been gone for 4 yrs she still gets DUI’s, still ends up in jail and strips to make a living.

I had lost everything, but made the effort to change my life, and I did. I see no future for this woman. She tells me this guy took her to Hawaii, which I guess is nice, if you can remember it.

LGLG07

thats the hardest part for me .. they never seem to see the light, the ones that dont (or arent ready to) recover . they are always smarter and better and know more and have more ... meanwhile they cannot even see their lives crumbling around them .

hmm a trip to hawaii, a clean and sober life ... a trip to hawaii , a clean and sober life. no trip is worth a clean and sober life

fluffyflea

Mr. C,

Quackity quack quack quack. They are all nuts. Thank god today we can choose our battles.

My ex moved in with someone who has been sober? supposedly 25 years.

He's still drinking and apparently I never "helped" him.

Earthworm

prodigal

Mr. C, you are so right. I took it so personally and was so upset, crazy, hurt, you name it, when AH used to blame me for everything - even things I never did. Didn't matter .... he'd make something up.

It's taken me a long time to see it for what it is and let it go. He's still nuts, he's still drinking, and he still lies. "But I love him ..." That person died a long time ago and what is left I don't even like, let alone love. I love the man he was 15 years ago but I can't live in the past. Long time comin', long time gone....

MsGolightly

i can't even STAND my ex anymore. it's amazing how quickly they can change, huh?

mr C, i'm sorry for this whole issue with your ex. it's so sad that these people we once loved have become a fraction of who they used to be.

StandingStrong

Mr C, I just want to tell you that you sound really good and healthy in your post. As much as it pains us - you are absolutely correct when you say that only they can recover themselves. It truly doesn't matter what we do when it comes to their addiction.

Good for you for having found some peace in this difficult situation.

Your recovery is showing.

embraced2000

thanks for sharing, mr.c....don't it just astound you when they tell you that they were the best thing that ever happened to you and you blew it???!!!

mine used to tell me this, as he stood swaying over me, drunk off his arse, unemployed, abusive, no vehicle or license,........yup, he was a catch fer shure. and stupid me screwed it up big time.

just another shining example of how pathetic it all can be, how sick we can become, and how wonderful we can make our lives, if we only make the choices.

StandingStrong

Ya know, my XAH one time during one of those episodes of trying to guilt me - told me how *I* was the one that was wanting this over - and *I* was the one that was throwing everything away, etc - but the thing that caught my attention the most during that whole conversation was when he told me that "No one would ever love me like he did". My first thought was "Thank God".
I think that was when I realized just how over we were! If that was love, I didn't want it!!!!

prodigal

Embraced, what you said brought to mind the time my AH was trashed and told me I was nothing more than a gold-diggin bi***: "Well, missy, YOU got to live in MY house for the nine months I was in Iraq, didn't you?" Yeah, I sure did and I took care of his dog that messed all over the place, a basement that flooded THREE times, a busted water heater, busted oven, busted dishwasher. (Things always break down when they're deployed.)

Anyway, I was MARRIED to the guy. Where the heck was I supposed to live-on the side of the road in a used refrigerator box???? LOL!!!!!!!

embraced2000

standing....thanks for the belly laugh!!! that cracked me up.

mr. c....i agree with the others....you sound strong and healthy.
i still understand how it tugs at our hearts for them, tho.

every day that passes for me, my x looks more and more foreign to me. and the reflection of our time together begins to become more clearer to me.....which in turn, puts the questions back on myself and what i am made of, why i made the choices i made, why i fell so hard for him, why i stayed in it, why i tolerated it, why i loved him, why i loved him so damn much it hurt, why why why why......but it is all goooooood now. thank god.

lilac

C, your recovery is shining through.....I am so proud of you for how you handled the situation... Don't you just hate it when they tell us it is all our fault, etc?????? Yeah, whatever !

Best of luck to you !

Sunflower

(((HUGS))))Mr.C--my Hero!!!
So sorry you had to hear all the same crap from her all over again!
She was lucky you ever even bothered with her--she sounds like a real loser--
I am sorry to disagree--but when it is a companion-spouce-partner-etc... it is a lot different then when it is a child..Then I do believe my love and my help with boundries does matter.
I can't walk away from my AS--but I had no trouble walking away from my EXAH many years ago...
It had to hurt you all over again to see that she has not changed--yup she is lost--she is the only one who can change it.
Isn't it bad enough what they put us through--but they have to keep reminding you ''its all your fault'''
My EXAH used to tell me I was a ''fat *****'' hahahaha--I was 5ft2in and weighed 98 pounds-never cheated or even thought about it,,,,,they seem to have this desire to just try and bring us down to their level---
Glad you were able to handle it all in such a healthy way...

chero

Mr. C, I'm very happy for you. You are where you need to be and it is obvious you did the right thing.

But I feel sad too. Maybe I am going towards the abyss and maybe the glimmers of hope I keep getting are really the light fading away as I sink further down. But tell me, then, how you came to this realization. You were once where I am now...married to an A. Tell me what changed you. Surely, you didn't always know what you know now. What made the difference for you.

Did you just wake up one day and had had enough? It's obvious we can take a lot off our As. Did you just one day reach your end? Did you one day just have enough?

I don't mean to be offensive. I just want to know. I'm not purposefully walking towards the abyss. Is the only way out really to sever the relationship?

duet_4-8

My EXAH (I am calling him that even though our divorce is not final either) does this to me every time I accept a phone call; he always starts out talking about support issues (he has yet to pay a cent for the son he supposedly loves so dearly and hates to lose), or some other such subject, but before long we are back on the merry-go-round and I am the wicked witch of the west who has organized some sort of vast conspiracy and turned his grown sons against him.

So I just quit answering the phone. Even when he called 17 times in 3 hours and left multiple voice mails that were all over the map. I called my attorney and said 'make it stop', so she filed contempt charges and he may go to jail.

Which of course, is also my fault. "look what she did to me"...geeeeez!!

There really is hope and clarity here, Mr. C, and it's ours!!!