The Heart of Addiction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Boston, MA
Posts: 1
The Heart of Addiction
Hello,
My mother was sober for nearly three decades, but after my father’s death a year and a half ago, my brothers and I discovered that she had started drinking again. We confronted her a number of times and got all sorts of responses. Some examples:
She drank only “a little wine” now and then.
She didn’t have liquor on her breath – it was her mouthwash.
She’s not falling down and getting arrested, therefore it might be o.k. to drink occasionally.
She’s able to hold down a full time job with a lot of responsibility, and she can make an Easter brunch for 30 people, therefore it might be o.k. for her to drink occasionally.
After each of our conversations about her drinking, she would end it by saying that she didn’t want to worry us, and that she was going to stop. We tried to encourage her to go back to AA, since that was a tremendous help for her before, but she would reply, “I am fine.”
This past weekend, her attitude changed. Her latest response was (paraphrased): Leave me alone. I asked her why she recognized that she could not handle alcohol 30 years ago, but today thinks that she can. Her response: The problems that she was facing back then are gone. I replied with the obvious: Her problems today are no less significant than the problems she faced back then. She didn’t have an answer for that.
One thing that apparently has influenced her (irrational) thinking is a book called "The Heart of Addiction” by Dr. Lance M. Dodes. Has anyone here read this book? Does it really teach that once the problems triggering problematic drinking are gone, it’s o.k. to start drinking again?
Thank you...any feedback would be appreciated.
My mother was sober for nearly three decades, but after my father’s death a year and a half ago, my brothers and I discovered that she had started drinking again. We confronted her a number of times and got all sorts of responses. Some examples:
She drank only “a little wine” now and then.
She didn’t have liquor on her breath – it was her mouthwash.
She’s not falling down and getting arrested, therefore it might be o.k. to drink occasionally.
She’s able to hold down a full time job with a lot of responsibility, and she can make an Easter brunch for 30 people, therefore it might be o.k. for her to drink occasionally.
After each of our conversations about her drinking, she would end it by saying that she didn’t want to worry us, and that she was going to stop. We tried to encourage her to go back to AA, since that was a tremendous help for her before, but she would reply, “I am fine.”
This past weekend, her attitude changed. Her latest response was (paraphrased): Leave me alone. I asked her why she recognized that she could not handle alcohol 30 years ago, but today thinks that she can. Her response: The problems that she was facing back then are gone. I replied with the obvious: Her problems today are no less significant than the problems she faced back then. She didn’t have an answer for that.
One thing that apparently has influenced her (irrational) thinking is a book called "The Heart of Addiction” by Dr. Lance M. Dodes. Has anyone here read this book? Does it really teach that once the problems triggering problematic drinking are gone, it’s o.k. to start drinking again?
Thank you...any feedback would be appreciated.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: anomaly
Posts: 2,180
I'm sorry your mother started drinking again.
No, I havn't read that book.
My GF relasped after 8 years of being sober. It got worst and worst.
The contributing factors of life on life's term was too much for her.
Her father had just passed, he was her hero. She rushed to the
hospital to be there with him, but he had already passed.
She stayed strong for her mother, who was falling to pieces.
A week after burring her father, she had a miss cariage of the twins.
Too much lost all at once.
Dealing with the lost of our twins was more than I can bare.
I can't imagine the grift and hurt my gf felt. I try to be strong
for her through the years. I escaped into purchasing toys and
was in a dream state. Purchaing r/c toys and getting into activities
tryin to live a life that the twins didn't have. i also escaped into
gambling. I finally relaped into drinking. None of my eacaping
worked. i had to hit a bottom of what drinking and gambling
brought me, before I could grieve.
Three years had gone by before I shade a tear for the twins.
A lot of wreackage cuased in three years.
My gf is sober again, she is grieving in her own ways.
She is also a social work, her job is to help children,
but we dodn't have any children of our own...
very, difficult circumstance for her to work with.
She wants to bring the babies home and gets hurt
that other people are throwing away of something that she can't have.
No, I havn't read that book.
My GF relasped after 8 years of being sober. It got worst and worst.
The contributing factors of life on life's term was too much for her.
Her father had just passed, he was her hero. She rushed to the
hospital to be there with him, but he had already passed.
She stayed strong for her mother, who was falling to pieces.
A week after burring her father, she had a miss cariage of the twins.
Too much lost all at once.
Dealing with the lost of our twins was more than I can bare.
I can't imagine the grift and hurt my gf felt. I try to be strong
for her through the years. I escaped into purchasing toys and
was in a dream state. Purchaing r/c toys and getting into activities
tryin to live a life that the twins didn't have. i also escaped into
gambling. I finally relaped into drinking. None of my eacaping
worked. i had to hit a bottom of what drinking and gambling
brought me, before I could grieve.
Three years had gone by before I shade a tear for the twins.
A lot of wreackage cuased in three years.
My gf is sober again, she is grieving in her own ways.
She is also a social work, her job is to help children,
but we dodn't have any children of our own...
very, difficult circumstance for her to work with.
She wants to bring the babies home and gets hurt
that other people are throwing away of something that she can't have.
Last edited by SaTiT; 04-12-2007 at 06:52 AM.
Member
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
sjn, Welcome to SR. this is a great site,however we have no answers.
Each person is different. It is possible she abused alcohol, and is not an alcoholic, but I would not bet on it. Is there alcoholism in her family?
You can set boundries, such as if you go to visit and she is drinking you will not stay.
Read eveything you can find on this disease.
Others will be by to share, I have to run now, keep coming back, glad you are here!
Each person is different. It is possible she abused alcohol, and is not an alcoholic, but I would not bet on it. Is there alcoholism in her family?
You can set boundries, such as if you go to visit and she is drinking you will not stay.
Read eveything you can find on this disease.
Others will be by to share, I have to run now, keep coming back, glad you are here!
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Canada
Posts: 4,580
I have not read this book. I am also a recovering alcoholic. From my perspective her responses reek of "denial". If you're drinking, where else can ya go but denial. There are exceptions with anything...yet I've heard few stories of people who've gone to AA ..and then magically later learn to drink socially. Don't know. This is her problem to work out for herself... as hard as it may be for you to witness.
up and out
Join Date: Jan 2007
Posts: 185
I'm with Nuudawn. She's in denial to the point that she won't admit a problem exists. She won't admit she's powerless over alcohol. I've not read the book about the heart of addiction but I know what i've experienced. I'm not an alcoholic but I tend to fall hard for em. You never really 'get rid' of alcoholism.....you're always an alcoholic. You have to abstain from alcohol. Plain and simple. If this were not true then you wouldn't see people with decades of sobriety still in AA, no one would fall off the wagon and they can all just start using again and everything would be fine.
Al Anon and these forums will help you greatly if you are interested.
Hugs to you.
Al Anon and these forums will help you greatly if you are interested.
Hugs to you.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
