Sunflower

My AS seems different the last few days--all the behaviors he exibited proir to his becoming sober--anxious--avoiding me--yelling-- staying away from home....I swear the other day I got in the car and I could smell alcohol--but I always think it is just my over imagination--my gut tells me relapse.

He has to go to the PO tommorow for testing--if he is positive he will go to jail for 2 years.I know it is his choice--but I don't think I could take it.

I know there is nothing I can do--I feel very helpless.I know relapse is very common-and it is not my fault-but it still hurts me.

I feel as a mother I have taken all I can and there is not much left of me at this point-emotionally.

Aside from that I am in a huge flare up with my illness-I am weak as a kittencan't feel my arms/legs-using that stupid crutch I swore I would never pick up again--but I am determined to walk everyday with my poochie to keep as physically well as I can.

I sometimes feel like I am fighting the whole world--my illness-my AS--all things out of my control. Add the therapy of going back to childhood and I feel like I am being swallowed up again.So my psych and I are putting it on hold for a month.

I am scared --for me---for him--If he starts again I will have to be safe as he beat the crap out of me last time--I do not know if I can survive all this anymore--I am serious.Its all too much.

Please keep us in your thoughts and prayers....

Nuudawn

Gosh..this may sound cold...but if he has violated and is sent to jail...it might just be the safest place for both of you. You are in no condition to be "beaten the crap out of"...now or ever. Please have faith and surrender to God's will...

I wish you peace within.

Sunflower

it is not cold--not coming from you--I know what you mean--just last time he was there for a week it almost killed me--just too sick to deal with all this--maybe I will soon need to switch to the mental health forum if this keeps up...

Nuudawn

I'm glad you're here Sunflower. Your support and compassion is much needed. You have so much going on in your world. I worked for many years as a legal advocate for prisoners....between that work and what I hear at AA... jail can be the last stop before recovery. At any rate, nothing will be known until tommorow. Try to trust that all is exactly as it needs to be. The stress of worrying about the yet to be known...is needless and not at all good for you.

Sunflower

Thanks for the posts--I can't seem to wrap around my mind that jail is a safe place for anyone.I know it will kill me if it happens. I suppose being an A he knows all the tricks to past these screening tests...although once he walked right into the PO wasted--how dumb can one be
? Cost me 2500$ to get him out--only got him out because I was concerned for his safety-knowing that he has a mental issue as well and no street smarts at all-(he thinks he does)Plus I didnt want him detoxing there--cant help it--even with a cast on my arm and a black eye-I am such a mother bear. I did not let him come home though....now he is sober so he is home--but I just have a feeling in my gut he has slipped-I pray if he has he will catch it and go to a meeting and stand back up--
It's true--my life--its like who would even believe all this could happen to one person in their lifetime??I am not sure I would believe it if I heard it from someone else!!Never a break--always that dark cloud over my head...one thing after another...YOU guys are the only nes I tell all this crap to--thank god I have somewhere to get it out--I am hoping it will help....

Mr. Christian

Sunflower,

How on earth after being through this can you stay with this guy?

I mean really, Sunflower how much is your life worth?

Sunflower

Mr C he is my son---thats why--if this was a husband or boyfriend I would have been long gone..it's different when its your kid even if he is suppose to be a man he is still my child

kermit

Sunny! I want to say so much, I want to make you better, this illness of ours takes so much from us. I admire that even though you havd to pick up the cruch you are still walking. My back and hips have been so bad I don't know how much more of the physical pain I can take. I love you I truly do. I wish I could come a put a shield over you, but I can't. Know that I pray for you and I understand.
Love, Lynne

Sunflower

Kermie---you are a saint--you have always helped me here--I think we understand each other because we know what its like to be in constant physical pain and deal with alcoholics as well--just one of those problems would do most in--so maybe we are stronger than we think...I too-hope you are feeling better--24/7 pain is exhausting-and it wears you down emotionally--throw and alcoholic in that mix--and what a ride!!
Must be the name--lynn lynne lol-you know it means "babbeling brook"" lol that explains it hahaha....

kermit

my ride is slower than yours, lucky for me my alcoholic is in ND. : )....LOL.
Your son has made his choices, maybe 2yrs is what he needs...think of the break you will get!(always looking for the brite side!)

Sunflower

its the kind of break I cant handle though cause I will be sick even worse about everything---I wish I could see the bright side and on some days I do--some I do not like everyone!
You live in Ca????? I loved it there-I went out for a month to visit a friend in Anahiem--it was so beautiful!!!!Being a Yankee girl I didnt feel like I fit in--any more than I do when I go down south--interesting how one country has so many different dynamics--In NYC I feel at home hahaha or Jersey...

Mr. Christian

Sunflower,

It does not matter what relation, Son, Daughter, Husband ,Father, or wife.

There needs to be a certain line of respect here, and he crossed it. Yes it’s hard, very but still something that must be done.

To harm another with out just or cause is wrong. He is an alcoholic and he will bring you down.

You say he is your son, but he does not care at this time that you my friend are his Mother.

Take care of yourself, I’ve seen too many people in the rooms of Alanon lose a lot from a son.

kermit

As a matter of fact I am about 20mins from Anaheim.. I have lived here my whole life. One day I'm going to New York.. Someday. that is a dream of mine.
Lets not worrie about your son yet, maybe it is not what you think.

Sunflower

Thanks Mr C--I was waiting for your responce--as I value your opinion--You are right he has not treated me like a mother--and maybe its just me and the anticipation of the sky falling again--He has been sober over 1/2 year and has been wonderful--just like he used to be before the addiction--but I seem to be getting signals maybe he has slipped. Maybe I am wrong?I do worry if he starts up again he will hurt me or someone else as he is a violent drunk--I don't think he could bring me down any LOWER than he already has--but as a mother while he is recovery I have to support him with his efforts to have a normal life again--and it has been going sooo well--I pray I am wrong.....maybe he hasn't slipped.
Mr.C is your quote from the Prophet?

Sunflower

kermie--you will probably hate NYC--but I will tell youWhen Juliani was Mayor he really cleaned that city up!Even before 9/11.It is about as opposite of Anahiem as you can get!
You are right just talking it out here has helped me and I feel better--I am not gonna worry about tomorrow until tomorrow....

chero

Oh Sunflower, I just want to give you a hug!

You give so much love and support to all of us and I can't imagine you not here. Probably like you can't imagine your son in jail. But maybe you're wrong. I'm praying you're wrong!

I was thinking about something the Golfman said yesterday(i'm paraphrasing). He said that we(the sober ones) are so much stronger than we think. He said we give so much love, unconditionally and so much patience and have "God-like" faith and yet those very wonderful things are often our downfall too.

You are an amazing woman! AMAZING! Maybe you went through and go through all this so that when you come out on the other side you can help someone else who is going through it. I know I KNOW! that you have helped me sooo many times! You have a soft spot in my heart!

Praying for you and your son!!!
Much love! Cheryl

wezzy55

Wow I'm a drunk and trying to recover and I'd never entertain the thought of hitting my mom or dad when he was alive...My son probably has the right to hit me---------but he better not........But never say never.......Thats one thing I've learned never say never..........my day may be coming........at any rate GOOD LUCK...

Mr. Christian

“They can be a great people Kal-El, they wish to be. They only lack the light to show the way.”

This fitting line was from Jor-El. He was speaking to his son, who we know as Superman.
He was talking about the people of earth and how he gave to them, his only son.

The story does sound familiar though doesn’t it?

chero

Mr. C, Seriously, are you like 200 years old?? You are so wise!!

I've never thought of Superman like that before! What an interesting correlation.

God in you is amazing!

Thanks! Always look forward to your posts!
Cheryl

kermit

Mr C Wise? Oh my HP! LOL.