What to do???
 

Hello, all. Haven't posted for quite some time. My AH was in rehab back in October. He's been home for the five months and doing quite well. My problem is this ... from time to time (say, every other week or so) when he comes home from work, I "think" I smell beer, although it is very faint. Of course, I question myself and say to myself, "Give him the benefit of the doubt." My AH is not the type of alcoholic who appears drunk. He basically always maintained an "even keel" to deal with life. His therapist says that he has been self-medicating with alcohol/drugs, as he suffers from depression and anxiety. I have been very proud of him and his recovery thus far, but these occasional moments when I "think" I smell alcohol drive me crazy. I've been trying to adhere to Al-Anon principles and to detach with love. I understand that his sobriety is NOT my responsibility. I know about the three C's. But do I confront him? And if I do, is there really anything I can do about it? Has anyone else been in this situation? I am really trying to give him time to recover, but I am SOOOO afraid of going down that old path. I've told him that I won't do it again ... if he starts the drinking and the lies again and risks losing everything again (many job losses, bankruptcy, foreclosure, hurting me and his kids), I won't be able to put on the mask I wore for so long of the happy family. Would appreciate input if any of you have been in similar situation and can share your wisdom!

i struggle with this with my daughter and drug use - being suspicious. but then i figure if she IS using, and ask her - she'll just lie to anyway..

blessings, k

Hi, Hopeful--so sorry. I am also in the situation where I can't always tell if AH has been drinking, although he has not had a successful period of sobriety.

My thought is this--if you ask, he's going to say he hasn't been drinking. And that will mean (a) he hasn't, but you're going to go nuts wondering if he's telling the truth, or (b) he has, and you're going to go nuts wondering if he's telling the truth. What a spot, eh?

You've been through bad already with him. Sit down in the most objective mood that you can and get out a piece of paper. Write down the behaviors that are below your bottom line--the behaviors that are observable, not that you have to count on him to confirm. Really decide for yourself if you can get out for good if he crosses that line. Then become a watchful observer.

This probably sounds cold--I'm typing quickly because I'm on my way out the door for work. But my heart sank reading your post because I can physically feel that no-win situation. Best wishes.

Thanks.
 

Thanks for your responses. That really puts it in perspective for me. You're right ... confronting can only lead to my remaining suspicious even if he is telling the truth OR him lying. So I think I will do as you said, Cautious. I will determine what I can accept and will remain watchful for behaviors that cannot be disputed. Makes good sense!

So sorry for your situation ...it is one I spent the better part of my adult life dealing with as well. My Ahusband managed to maintain the lie of "I am not drinking" for many years, even when I noticed strange behavior, glazed eyes and the funny smell. He had never lied to me before so I was caught up in his irrational behavior too long... thinking he might actually telling me the truth.

In my case, it was only when I found the actual evidence that the deceit stopped and he admitted he had a problem and he sought treatment. With my husband, he had to be confronted with actual proof before the lying and cruel mind games stopped. For me, whether or not there was actual drinking made a world of difference as to how our life proceeded. Could he be trusted to work and make decisions rationally? Could I trust him to drive somewhere with the kids? Did I know whether our life was ready to go into an out of control tail spin or if in fact he was on the road to recovery and someone I could depend on? Our whole family's future depended on whether he was sneaking alcohol or if he was in fact truly sober. I never spent that much time looking for alcohol.. but once the truth came out, I knew how to proceed and set boundaries ... and I felt validated since he was always trying to convince me and both of our families that I was imagining everything... a cruel selfish mind game. The stress of never knowing whether you are dealing with someone committed to their marriage, family and sobriety ...or someone lying to hide an addiction with inevitable catastrophic consequences is a miserable way to live. Also having children makes it that much more important to know if he can trust him to be there to support them and help care for them... or even if you can trust him to even take your children places in the car. There are no easy answers ... but once I felt there were too many behaviors that were suspicious .. I just assumed he was drinking again, I let him know... and at that point I felt it was up to him to make the changes necessary.