newenglandgirl

Hi everyone.

It's been a rough day, I just needed some SR tlc

My AH (we are living apart...getting a divorce) has lost his job it seems. He has told me two different versions of why, told a friend another version, and did not tell his parents at all.

He's been calling me and leaving voicemails...so drunk, so sad, so incoherent. It just breaks my heart. I don't know what to do. Apparently his parents are taking a "hands off" approach of sorts, and I feel (once again) like I'm the only one on this planet who could "help" him. I called him this afternoon and told him that if he wants to go to a month long+ rehab program we will set it up for him. He doesn't even answer the question. He just rambles about irrational things. He sounds totally crazy.

I was so scared this morning when I check my phone...he had sent 3 texts the night before...just saying in a very broken way how much he needed help, how the pain was too much for him...then I couldn't get in touch with him...began to wonder if he was dead. Then got really scared because I don't know if I've done enough to try to get him help.

I took him to detox once, and he started drinking the minute he got out. That was 3 months ago.

It's just gotten worse with every passing week.

I am I really supposed to just break off all contact with him like everyone tells me I should?

I don't want to get sucked back into this craziness!!! But I also want to do the right thing.

LGLG07

i can relate newenglandgirl..my ah (we are still living together..for now) was in rehab 3 times over the summer last year and just this mrng went into rehab #4 .. as you can see , not much has changed . when i look back now at all the times i tried to help him , i wish i didnt , it did me no good and it did him no good . sat nght he left the house at 7 pm .. didnt even call until 11 the next mrng (Easter Sunday , we have 4 kids , the baby celebrated her first Easter) i told him flat out to pack his bags and leave . he pulled the 'i'll die without you' card .. i told him there was nothing i can do help him anymore .

i guess what im trying to say is this ... if 6 months ago i walked away like i wanted to but hesitated for obvious reasons (kids , house , money , just plain ole not ready to) i would be 6 months into my recovery and starting over , id have a new home by now (maybe a rented one but a home none the less) my kids would be set up in a new school (provided they had to change schools) and would be 6 months into making new friends and adjusting . the worst would be behind me but instead , here i sit , the same exact place i was 6 months ago with a husband in rehab , an uncertain future and 4 kids that are depending on me and only me ... hind sight really is 20/20

this is just my story , i hope you can use it to your benefit .. good luck !

dollydo

You cannot save him, he must do this for himself...he is an adult, treat him as such, he created the problem, let him solve it.

Whether you break off contact with him or not is up to you, but you do need to take off your rose colored glasses and see the truth, when he is ready to seek recovery, when he finally has had enough and falls to his knees he will do something...there is nothing more, you, or his family can do.

It is his life to live, not yours, he is making his own choices and you need to make the right choices for you and your well being.

newenglandgirl

Thanks LGLG - it REALLY does help hearing other people tell their stories like this. I'm just so scared (like you were, I am sure) that if I don't keep in contact with him, and keep trying to get him to go to rehab, that he will die in some terrible way...and that then I'll have to live with that the rest of my life. But, you are so right...hindsight is 20/20...I don't want to spend the next 6 months doing all of this worrying for no reason. I keep trying to remind myself of what so many people here have told me: if he WANTS help he will find a way to get it. Right?

newenglandgirl

Right - he's an ADULT! I keep forgetting that one too!
You are right...he has to be the one to making the decisions. I am still dancing the dance with him. sigh.

dollydo

When the music ends, so does the dance.

You'll be fine, keep posting...recovery from codependcy is tough, one step at a time, left, right, left, right.

lilac

It is his choice......as hard as it is for us to realize this to ourselves.

When I moved out, I did not stop all contact and I have found that is has slowed my own recovery. However, I think everyone's recovery comes at their own pace.

Much love to you, you are not alone in this.

LGLG07

this is how i see it and it might so cold , forgive me if it does .. if hes going to take his own life , then hes going to take his own life . you being there isnt going to make a difference . if a person wants to die at their own hands , they will . we do dance the dance and think that we are holier than thou and we can save them , truth is we cant save what dont wanna be saved .
if we take a step back and look at it from outside the box , we can see it more clearly . i think you are doing that now

cmc

Hi newenglandgirl,

You can never do enough to help him get help...because he needs to do it for himself. I know it's hard because you care about what happens to him.

You took him to detox....he drank immediately after.

Rehabs and detox centers are full of people whose loved ones have brought them there and...halfway houses full of people who have been in and out for years. It's not what anyone of us want to face but...the truth is that the addict/alcoholic will not get help until that willingness is there. What it will take to get to that point we can't predict.

When I take "me" out of things, my loved one will have to make the choices without me and there will be motivation to succeed.

I personally hit bottom the last time I bailed my son out of another problem and found myself standing on a street corner very late at night, with a sick husband and the police in a bad part of town. Why was I standing there right next to a dangerous group of drug dealers who were being arrested for 'stealing' my son's car? So that my son would get his car back without it being impounded. I put myself in danger- and enabled my son to continue using. I had got his car out of impound twice before. I finally got angry at my son for asking us to help and putting us in that position for those people to see our faces, our car etc, and then I became angrier at myself.

I will be honest- that night was not the last time I saved him from trouble, but I was taking those baby steps and still am to this day.

This is what I had to keep repeating to myself:
A grown man can get himself into treatment if he wants to.
He knows where to get help.
When he reaches the end of his resources he will stop.
He needs to do this without my help or it won't work.

I feel for you right now and hope you will find out what you need to do and not do. Only you know what you can live with. There's support here no matter what you decide.

take care,
cmc

StandingStrong

While I know nothing about having an A that seeks recovery and/or help through a detox/rehab center - I can tell you that I understand your fear of getting sucked back into the chaos by helping. I also understand that you are second-guessing yourself and feeling guilty (questioning yourself if you have done enough - afraid of him hurting himself, etc). But after all the H*ll that I went through - I finally came to the realization:

I couldn't save my XAH - but I could save myself.

I chose to save myself. It's up to the A to save themselves.

No one can tell you if you should go no contact completely - only you know what is best for you. I do however believe that it is the best route for one's codependant recovery. I learned this from experience as I didn't do the no contact and it truly did slow down my own recovery just as someone else mentioned above.

Do what is best for YOU. And remember - no matter what you do or don't do - you can't save him. You can only save yourself.

newenglandgirl

It's so hard for me to understand being codependent vs. caring. I suppose that's the quintesential codie questions, right? It's just that after reading what a few A's have posted here about their S/O not giving up and being there to get them help, it makes me question myself. You are so right: I'm feeling guilty, and I'm second guessing myself. I get scared that he's so mentally ill at this point that even if he wanted help he wouldn't know what to do.

It is so good to be reminded...thank you for reminding me

MsGolightly

neg, i struggle with this often, so i'm so glad you posted this tonight. while i have distanced myself from my ex - we hardly ever talk anymore - i find myself wondering if i should reach out again, especially when i can see in her eyes that she's not living the life she wants to. is she stuck there? is she unable to see any way out? does she think i'm not there for her anymore? does she think this is something she can't do alone? does she NEED me?

honestly, i don't know the answers to any of those questions. i'm scared to even ask her, because i'm sure it would be a lie anyway (whether she said she needed me or whether she said she didn't... i'd still think she was lying!). i think you did the right thing by offering your support and telling him that you'd help him check in somewhere if he wants to. there are still times throughout the day, i'm sure, where he hasn't been drinking, and it's still his choice to pick up that next bottle or go to the store to buy more. during those same moments, he could be deciding he's had enough and it's time for help.

look at what he's lost. unwavering love and support from you. i don't know what you should do but i think you've done a great job so far. please keep us posted because, as i said, this is something i struggle with every day.

Mr. Christian

Doing the right thing would be stepping back.
Stop helping, because in the long run your not.
You’re only enabling this to go further.

He will never do anything for himself or get help if you keep picking up after him.
This may sound hard line but your only prolonging it.

cmc

I think there is a huge difference between supporting a person who is getting help vs helping them get help. It may seem like a fine line there, but they are not the same. Not giving up hope, cheering someone on- loving them no matter what they do are all good things imo-as long as I stay out of their business and protect myself from their addiction and from mine.

I see nothing wrong with giving a list of resources for someone to use- names of place to stay etc. I did that and then let it go. I may give an opinion- if asked (okay...even if not asked!) but after that I need to leave it alone.
I learned to say "you figure out what to do" or "it's your decision to make"

I used to feel that my son and his friends were unable to get help too, but was surprised at how resourceful so many actually are and all they need to do is ask for help and it's there. There are meetings all over- at all times of day- emergency hotlines to call, plus fellow addicts in recovery (and out) will often help a friend get help. They are not helpless.

Mr. Christian

Tell me, how is Alanon treating you?

nogard

Can't do anything for anyone else, but I can as cmc says support them and cheer them on, nnot pick them up and try to walk their journey for them.

Here is a story I heard in the fellowship, hard but with some value.

Addict: Hi fred (sponsor) I am thinking of killing myself tonight.
Sponsor: Ok well perhasp we can have dinner next Tuesday and talk about it.

(((newenglandgirl)))

newenglandgirl

I went once, but I did not like it. I know they say you need to go to at least six meetings. But I am not interested. So how I am getting healthy? Well, I am seeing my therapist weekly, reading self-help books (codependent no more, etc.), reading posts on SR, exercising, spending time with friends and family, dedicating more time to doing research. I am moving forward. But I still have rough patches.

newenglandgirl

That is so funny Nogard

cmc

Have you read any of the Alanon literature? They have some good books with daily readings that helped me alot.

I must tell you that what helped me most...was meetings, meetings, meetings. AA, NA and Alanon.... Maybe sometime you might feel like giving it a try again.

In open NA and AA- I learned from the experts themselves, and in Alanon I learned from those who went before and learned how to manage their lives amid the insanity of a loved one's self destruction.

Experience is the best teacher- I can experience for myself or gain wisdom from someone else who is has been there and knows the ropes first hand.

newenglandgirl

Yes, I have read lots of Alanon literature. It has been very helpful.