Want to help, but am I just getting sucked back in?

Old 04-09-2007, 08:07 PM
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I think you should go back to Alanon.
I didn’t like it either. Then I got evolved in it.
There are many different types of meeting also.

Nice that your seeing a doc and doing some reading, but frankly you need the right tools to work on this.
I mean you cant hammer in a nail with a tuna fish.
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Old 04-09-2007, 08:25 PM
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new enaglandgirl that is exactly how i felt about my on again off again AB.. i thought that i was the only one in this world that could help and that would be willing to help him as he lives here with me oohh well i should say he use to as of last week after another binge drinking episode and $700 later..... and his family are all alcoholics and i use to think well maybe thats why he does what he does as he has lived with it and its somewhat "normal" for him but no matter what the living surroundings at the end of the day he has a choice whether to drink or not to drink he knows the consequences of his drinking that he will no longer be able to live with me and his children....and still he chooses to drink and then thinks that he can come back here after hes had a good time and has no where to go supposedly but you see when hes drinking he has plenty of places to go.........and no money left and i must say i use to let him do this up until last weekend when he done it for the last time i now refuse to let him back into the house i now choose not to listen to the blame and the lies and all the rest of it that comes with someone that doesn't believe he has a drinking problem and i have now realized even more so now that i sit here ands read these posts that A are all the same they all sing the same tune.... and blame everyone else for their own problems....i now have to realize that i CANNOT change him and that i CANNOT help him no matter how desperate he ,may appear if he wanted the help you would get the help instead of looking for money to go and have another drink.....i CANNOT do this with him anymore................i will now CHOOSE not to.... i do hope that what i have said will help you in some way...and the whole ...for me i cant break off all contact with him as we have 2 children together and he should be able to see them but from now on i will be meeting him in a neutral place and letting him spend time with the children and not use them to get to me... as he tried to do yesterday..........i have broken myself off financially, emotionally.....as much as i can...but so the struggle continues.........i do hope my post ,makes sense to you and helps you in any way that it can........good luck and do what is right for you not him.............
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Old 04-09-2007, 08:31 PM
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neg, i also haven't yet attended al anon... i think i will at some point but it's just not something i'm interested in right now, but like you, i've been able to move forward without it. it's not for everyone. it sounds like you're doing such amazing things for yourself. i know that you are someone whose posts i often enjoy reading because it makes me see what i have to look forward to in terms of my own recovery. i think you're doing wonderfully, and i'm jealous
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Old 04-09-2007, 11:08 PM
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anyone incoherant and threatening suicide needs to be hospitalized in the psych ward to detox-then from there to a inpatient rehab--its not always all about us--you have to do the right thing as a person on this planet--he is sick he should be in a hospital--next time he calls that way--find out where he is and call 911 and tell them he is a suicidal alcoholic--they will pick him up and bring hime to the ER where if he needs it he can be sectioned for a few weeks
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Old 04-10-2007, 03:33 AM
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NewEnglandGirl,

You can't help him and you are getting sucked back into his life. His parents are taking the right approach......hands off.

He needs to bottom out. By "helping" him you would be "enabling" him which is what he wants.

Earthworm
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Old 04-10-2007, 04:45 AM
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hi sweetie

HE knows that if HE wants to go to rehab you will support him in that right? i think that is all you can do. i would call 911 though if he was threatening suicide.

take care of you hon.
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:08 AM
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You all totally rock. Thank you so much for all the support and great advice.

I feel stronger this morning.

I think I'm starting to realize that this is a pattern...how he sucks me into this crazy dance every couple of weeks. How vulnerable I still am to his drama. How important it is that I let him figure things out on his own - make his own decisions. I mean, I just found out that he filled out the paperwork for a loan that he wants...so he should be able to check himself into a rehab, right? I think so.

Yet, as you all know, it is just so crazy-making and heartbreaking to hear someone totally wasted cry and beg and rant.

I'm taking baby-steps, and sometimes even leaping towards protecting myself against this onslaught. For example, when I first left him, I used to answer every single phone call and spent hours trying to reason with him while he was drunk. Now, I do not answer his calls at all, unless it is before 10am (usually his sober time of the day), and then only sometimes.

But at the same time, you are right Sunflower, it's not all about me...he is a human being who has lost his mind due to alcohol abuse and I should call 911 if he is threatens suicide again.

big hugs to all of you!
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:40 AM
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Yes it's heart-breaking for awhile NewEnglandGirl but they also depend on your heart breaking so much you'll go back and help them. It's called MANIPULATION.

Earthworm


Originally Posted by newenglandgirl View Post
You all totally rock. Thank you so much for all the support and great advice.

I feel stronger this morning.

I think I'm starting to realize that this is a pattern...how he sucks me into this crazy dance every couple of weeks. How vulnerable I still am to his drama. How important it is that I let him figure things out on his own - make his own decisions. I mean, I just found out that he filled out the paperwork for a loan that he wants...so he should be able to check himself into a rehab, right? I think so.

Yet, as you all know, it is just so crazy-making and heartbreaking to hear someone totally wasted cry and beg and rant.

I'm taking baby-steps, and sometimes even leaping towards protecting myself against this onslaught. For example, when I first left him, I used to answer every single phone call and spent hours trying to reason with him while he was drunk. Now, I do not answer his calls at all, unless it is before 10am (usually his sober time of the day), and then only sometimes.

But at the same time, you are right Sunflower, it's not all about me...he is a human being who has lost his mind due to alcohol abuse and I should call 911 if he is threatens suicide again.

big hugs to all of you!
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Old 04-10-2007, 04:43 PM
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putting someone in the hospital and walking away to let the pros have a look at him for a while is not getting sucked back in--they say now some As do not need to bottom out---i am not saying hold his hand and sit with him I am saying--if he calls threatens to take his life----is incoherant---call 911---they will take him to the ER---probably admit him for evaluation---you will be doing him a favor---then you can walk away knowing you handled this like a mature adult---he called he was suicidal--you sent the cops---he won't call you again after that---and if he is mentally unbalanced what harm have you done?
What he wants is for her to keep taking his calls and feeling guilty about his condition.....if he is suicidal--thats not enabling him--he is still a human being--and if he is a danger to himself---he needs to be off the streets///
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