What I hate about being a Code...

Old 04-10-2007, 04:46 PM
  # 41 (permalink)  
Let Go Let God
 
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just the contrary jc , ive thought about you alot since yesterday and im hoping that you are feeling some relief reading all the wonderful posts on your thread , theres help all over this website , it really is amazing and im so happy that you are here .

i think you need to detach yourself from your mom , even the good side of her , accept that she will not ever be the mom you want/need her to be and allow her to be herself . work on you and learning more about yourself and how much you have to offer , all the positive stuff instead of the negative. too much emphasis is put on her and what she did/does , you cant change her or make her be a way she isnt . she nds medical help and isnt getting it , doesnt even think anything is wrong . nothing you say or do is going to make her see it differently so dont even waste your time .

i hope you stick around
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Old 04-10-2007, 04:54 PM
  # 42 (permalink)  
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Whine away JC;

By the way, it is not whining. You need to talk. I know what

I saw in my mother in law before I was even married, the change

in her personality, the total self centeredness. She was brilliant,

so beautiful, and gracious when well. I could tell when a change

was coming on....her eyes darted back and forth and she licked her

lips a lot..... a day or two later my father in law would take off on

a bike trip ...he could not handle it and my boyfriend at the time

would have to take care of her. Up all night, singing and dancing,

cursing and praising God, whatever. She would cry in despair. He

would give her meds, and then she would smile at me when he left

the room and spit the pills in the trash can. Then want me to hug

her and cry again. I became terrified of her. When --- was a boy

there was sexual abuse , just exposure, not of an invasive nature.

But the long term effects were tremendous.

Hospitalization would ultimately follow. She eventually gave up on all

meds.

JC: I want to take the time to thank you for letting me

share this.

You see, I am bipolar type I, as she was. I was absolutely frozen

in terror when i was diagnosed 10 months ago. But I surrendered

this just as I did to my addictions and placed all in God's hands.

I am stabilized and carefully monitored monthly by an excellent

treatment team at my local Behavioral Health Center.

I agree with LGLGO7 that you need to focus on your mental

and emotional recovery, but it seems you want to know

what is really wrong with your Mom?


Talk to us, JC, we are listening.

Love,

:

Sherry
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:17 PM
  # 43 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by IO Storm View Post
Whine away JC;

By the way, it is not whining. You need to talk. I know what

I saw in my mother in law, the change in personality, the

total self centeredness. She was brilliant, beautiful, and

gracious when well. I could tell when a change was coming

on....her eyes darted back and forth and she licked her

lips.. a day or two later my father in law would take off on

a bike trip and my boyfriend at the time would have to

take care of her. Up all night, singing and dancing,

cursing and praising God, whatever. She would cry in

despair. He would give her meds, and then smile at me

when he left the room and spit them in the trash can.

Hospitalization would ultimately follow. She eventually

gave up on all meds.

JC: I want to take the time to thank you for letting me

share this.

You see, I am bipolar type I, as she was. However, I

am stabilized and carefully monitored monthly by an

excellent treatment team at my local Behavioral Health

Center.

Talk to us, JC, we are listening.

Love,

:

Sherry


I am told I am a rapid cycler bi-polar. I am back in therapy and I have a P-doc appt this Thursday.

Someone said to get away from my mom, and that is pretty much what I do. She wonders why no one wants to spend time with her.

I don't like even mentioning here because in all honesty, I hate how cliche it all is "blame it on my mother".

All I know is that I am at my wits end. I went to a therapist because I have plans to kill myself. Before it went to that I wanted to get help. But it is getting harder and harder.

I am just fed up... I am exhausted all the time. It can't be the apnea, I have been 100% compliant since day one (I have really been trying to improve my life since I turned 30, 3 years ago with seemingly no luck). I have headaches. My heart aches all the time. Its hard to breathe and I get that sick to your stomach feeling, like I know my report card is coming and I am going to get in trouble (of course, I am guessing I am the only one here whose mother beat them in FRONT of their sixth grade teacher during a report card conference. That was my first "F". I paid for it).

I can't think when I am hungry and I am constantly hungry. I go to the gym 5days a week now but nothing seems to help, no energy, always ravagingly hungy. I initially lost 25 lbs going to the gym when I started. Down to 193 (I am 5-10) from 225. Now I am gaining it all back. Since i Have to get up at 4:30 AM to go to the gym before work, I resent going to the gym too.

I hate my job. I hate my life. I have nothing to look forward to and if you were to hold a gun to my head and ask me what would make me happy, I honestly couldn't tell you because I can't put any faith in my answers... I get a wild burr and decide I want to build scale models.. so.. $3K later, I build one model and could care less. I do that kind of stuff ALL THE TIME and I hate it. I know it won't work, but I am maybe happy for an hour or a week.. and I so desperately want to be happy.

I don't know how my wife hasn't left me. I guess she is too busy with her horses to care what I do.

I hate my stupid hair.. I hate going to college, I ALWAYS seem to have something to do with school. To do what? To get a 2 year associates in business that will be useless? I will be the first one in my family ever to get a college degree... but.. ya know... so what... I go in debt for that, only to have to turn around and keep going, doing something I hate? I dunno.

I guess if I was too sum this all up. I hate me, and I really don't deserve to continue being a leech on society and my family.

Last edited by justcrash; 04-10-2007 at 05:42 PM.
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:20 PM
  # 44 (permalink)  
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Originally Posted by LGLG07 View Post
just the contrary jc , ive thought about you alot since yesterday and im hoping that you are feeling some relief reading all the wonderful posts on your thread , theres help all over this website , it really is amazing and im so happy that you are here .

i think you need to detach yourself from your mom , even the good side of her , accept that she will not ever be the mom you want/need her to be and allow her to be herself . work on you and learning more about yourself and how much you have to offer , all the positive stuff instead of the negative. too much emphasis is put on her and what she did/does , you cant change her or make her be a way she isnt . she nds medical help and isnt getting it , doesnt even think anything is wrong . nothing you say or do is going to make her see it differently so dont even waste your time .

i hope you stick around

Basically what I do now is, when she has a big enough episode, I simlly, like a surgeon, cut her out of my life until she calls and apologizes. Somes times its months, its went as long as two years.

The hard part is I know one of these times she WILL die and I will have to live with that guilt too.

Its funny... when I was a little boy I would sit on my dads lap and pull his chest hairs. My mom told me not to do that, it causes cancer. (just crap you tell kids, I guess) He died from cancer. My mom remembered to mention that to me.
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Old 04-10-2007, 05:43 PM
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Not sure if you ever saw the movie "The Kid" with bruce willis.
You might wanna check it out. It helped me.
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Old 04-10-2007, 07:46 PM
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i dont know how to do that quote thing but you said jc that you know the pulling the hairs out of your dads chest causing cancer was just one of those things you tell kids (kinda like if you cross your eyes they will stay like that i guess ??) by saying that you know its just one of those things goes to show you that you didnt believe her . you know she isnt in her right mind , dont hold it against her . she did the best she could under the circumstances (even if her best sucked) , find forgiveness in your heart for her and let her go . by saying let her go i dont mean for you to cut her off completely (shes your mom , i understand ) but distance yourself and know what you are going to get from her , dont expect it to change , she will always be this way until she wants to get better .

Now for you . Do you have a Higher Power ? Do you believe in fate ? I do . I believe whole heartedly that we are all here for a reason . We may never know that reason until the end of our journey but then we will see that we were right where we were supposed to be all along . The thing is we were blessed with free will . As a kid you think God is watching all the time and if he didnt want you to do it , you wouldnt be doing it ... thats simply not true because of free will . God , or your Higher Power , has given you the power to choose for yourself , He can only guide you and hope that you see the signs and make the right decisions but He cannot and will not make those decisions for you .

I can tell you with 100% belief that He did not put you here to take your own life . He gave you life and thats a precious gift , you need to care for it. you have 2 beautiful children who deserve a shot at living as an adult without all the pain that their father felt . you need to stop that cycle for them and from that you will be fufilled . Maybe your purpose to to raise them to be something spectacular ??? or maybe its to recover and help others that suffer .. showing your children you did not suffer all those years in vain ..

I hope i make sense and didnt offend .. Im still thinking of you
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Old 04-10-2007, 07:59 PM
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Amen LG, Amen.
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Old 04-10-2007, 08:12 PM
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As a kid I live in a third world. if you didn't do your home work
you would get a spanking in front of the class.

As a child a would build modles, my father came home from work
after a bad day and just stomes on it. I had a burning desire as an adulit to
sabotage my life before somebody stomes on it. I needed that control.

I took an early interest in flight as a child but a wall got in the way.
For the longest time in my life, if i thought about my father i would
always see that wall hitting me and a loud noise, first.

I got beat so damn hard, i pee in my pants and i would get beat some
more for peeing in my pants.

My father would wip the crap out of me if I got a C. I either over achived
or don't do anything, oneway or another i was always get in trouble.
I was never good enough, always never good enough.

I blocked a lot of it out,so I could survived.
I lived in constant fear

I wasn't allow to speak back or say anything.
I sholved whatever I felt inside of me, deep inside of me.
I suffer from depression due to surpressing my emotions.

dad would get me stuff after and episode.
I had a habit of buying crap as an adult just to feel okay.

I tried to commit sueicide at the age of 20

Last edited by SaTiT; 04-10-2007 at 08:39 PM.
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Old 04-10-2007, 08:22 PM
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you werent good enough because nothing was good enough . had nothing to do with you or who you were .. you were there and that was enough reason he needed to abuse you , you could of been the boy next door or the girl around the block . we shouldnt have to carry the shame of their misfortune with us as adults , time to let that go and thank God that you didnt succeed when you were 22 .
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Old 04-10-2007, 08:57 PM
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I'm just sharing my ESH.

All i know is the floor felt like knives stabing me as i walked out
of the hospital after the sueicide attemp. i hated the fact
that i had to lived another day. i hated god for keeping alive.
I hated the doctors and nurses for bringing me back.
Food and water tasted bitter very breath i took burn my lungs
I didn't want to be touched or fixed by anyone.
I felt shame for trying to kill myself. I felt ashame for failing to do that.
I could not even talk about that to anyone for years.

Life is un-fair JC, however you are not alone
Life did not single you out.

I'm living a happy life today...anything is possiable.
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Old 04-11-2007, 05:29 AM
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Originally Posted by SaTiT View Post
dad would get me stuff after and episode.
I had a habit of buying crap as an adult just to feel okay.

My mom would do the same thing. Weird. Must be their way of apologizing. I buy a lot of crap now, myself.

Thank you for your response.
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Old 04-13-2007, 07:48 AM
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hey jc .. wondering how you are feeling .. if you log on give an update please ... thinking of you
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Old 04-13-2007, 08:10 AM
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Originally Posted by LGLG07 View Post
hey jc .. wondering how you are feeling .. if you log on give an update please ... thinking of you

Pretty much the same, but I want to get better. I guess that counts for something, right?

I went to meet my P-doc yesterday for the first time. I had an hour session with him, I have a therapist appt next week. The P-doc prescribed me a mood stabilizer to help with recovery and sleeping pills. He told me he didn't believe I was bi-polar, and that he often sees in cases as bad as mine, a misdiagnosis of bi-polar. He believes I am heavily co-dependent.

Thank you for asking. It means a lot.
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Old 04-13-2007, 09:52 AM
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the fact that you want to get better is great .. keep wanting it and it will happen . positive thinking can work wonders too .
glad you saw your p-doc . how long before the medication will kick in , i know somethings its 2 wks , sometimes 4 or 5 , or hopefully in this case it will work faster . and im assuming you felt a connection with him ? good luck next week but i hope to see more of your posts before then ..

keep checking in and read everything you can .. if you are a severe codie i must say , you are not alone and you are at the right place !!
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:34 AM
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Originally Posted by LGLG07 View Post
the fact that you want to get better is great .. keep wanting it and it will happen . positive thinking can work wonders too .
glad you saw your p-doc . how long before the medication will kick in , i know somethings its 2 wks , sometimes 4 or 5 , or hopefully in this case it will work faster . and im assuming you felt a connection with him ? good luck next week but i hope to see more of your posts before then ..

keep checking in and read everything you can .. if you are a severe codie i must say , you are not alone and you are at the right place !!

Thank you. He didn't say how long but yeah, I would assume 2 weeks. he was a nice guy.
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Old 04-13-2007, 10:54 PM
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This thread has been on my mind since you posted it. I've given it alot of thought and I've decided what thing I believe bothers me the most about being a codie - and is one thing that I still have issues with.

I take things (words, actions, etc) very personally if they come from someone that I care about.
Often times, I am told that I shouldn't take these things personally - as they aren't really personally. I just simply take them as such.
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Old 04-14-2007, 05:32 AM
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong View Post
I take things (words, actions, etc) very personally if they come from someone that I care about.
Often times, I am told that I shouldn't take these things personally - as they aren't really personally. I just simply take them as such.
Oh, Standing, I do this, too! Why is it that the people we love the most have the ability to hurt us the most? Oh, that's right, we're codies!

It just stinks!
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Old 04-14-2007, 06:02 AM
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Originally Posted by StandingStrong View Post
This thread has been on my mind since you posted it. I've given it alot of thought and I've decided what thing I believe bothers me the most about being a codie - and is one thing that I still have issues with.

I take things (words, actions, etc) very personally if they come from someone that I care about.
Often times, I am told that I shouldn't take these things personally - as they aren't really personally. I just simply take them as such.
I do the EXACT same thing. I often come across as cold to strangers. Probably because I am absolutely empty inside in the "nice" department. I exhaust my supplies on friends and family. They are the ones that can reduce me to tears with a word.
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Old 04-14-2007, 07:00 AM
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I was that way for a long time , then my husband went into rehab . i delvd a baby when he was there so it was kind of hard to hide his absence . little by little my neighbors began to find out , which was fine with me as my life is on my sleeve but this was really my husbands business so for his sake i tried to keep it on the low ... its at moments like that when you see peoples true colors and how judgemental they can be . for the most part everyone was very good to us (to our faces) but then people feel the need to tell you what other people are saying behind your back . it would have broken me if i let it . i had to stay strong for my kids . i didnt want them to be ashamed of their dad so i had to follow the same advice i gave them , hold your head up high and let them say what they may .

i see it like this .. in every window of every house i look into in my neighborhood there is a story to tell , everyone has their share of problems and all the problems are different , whether there be an alcohol situation , physical or mental abuse situation , affairs .. whatever it is . who am i to judge them for those who judge have something to hide . I have nothing to hide . like i said , my life is on my sleeve . if what i have been through could possibly help another person in this world get through , then its worth it to me to tell my story . you cant please everyone in this world , there will always be people that dont like you . this is where the 'love yourself' comes in .. if you are truly happy with the kind of person you are and love yourself deep down , through all your faults and fears then other peoples words cant hurt you anymore .

just my opinion
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Old 04-14-2007, 07:06 AM
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i just get so tired from lack of sleep..
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